How do I get my wife to embrace variety in...

[maple05]

Hi All.. my wife is very conservative. Not in a religious sense (she's not religious), she's just not into talking about sex, what it feels like for her, positions, variety, etc. She gets annoyed when I ask her. She's into the same position all the time. She would probably be more adventurous in a resort/spa/hotel, but with a 2 year old and working that can only happen maybe twice a year. How do I keep it from getting boring and draw her out of her shell at home, so she will at least be a little adventurous. We do have videos, etc, that she has liked before, but she won't consider watching them in the house. Our sex life was a lot more exciting in the first two years we were together. We're not exactly sexless, but I'm afraid it's close...

Call me crazy, but I wonder if she would feel differently with another man (ie the perfect man)? I know I drive her crazy sometimes...but don't husbands do that every once in a while?

Any advice?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

SHe has to open up sexually or it will kill your M! have you thought of going to a MC? take her to a sex store...it might excite her more than you think. Or try this if you haven't already...next time you make love..put extra detail into making it all about her...hopefully she will catch on and the next time it will be all about u...sometimes men don't understand that they are doing something wrong..I'm not saying that you are...but my ex BF was this way and it was all about him when we had sex..after a while..I had no interest in him sexually...

 

just my 2 cents.

[tnttim]

Call me crazy, but I wonder if she would feel differently with another man (ie the perfect man)?

Any advice?

 

You can be her perfect man. I read some great books on how to turn her into a sex goddess. The problem is you, and your attitude towards sex. If you change your attitude and be more seductive to a women than you will be rewarded greatly, and she will too, not a bad cycle to get in to.

 

I bet you have jumped on every opprotunity to have sex with her

I bet you suggest to her ways to make it spicy

I bet you get mad sometimes when you don;t get sex

[maple05]

You can be her perfect man. I read some great books on how to turn her into a sex goddess. The problem is you, and your attitude towards sex. If you change your attitude and be more seductive to a women than you will be rewarded greatly, and she will too, not a bad cycle to get in to.

 

I bet you have jumped on every opprotunity to have sex with her

I bet you suggest to her ways to make it spicy

I bet you get mad sometimes when you don;t get sex

 

You are EXACTLY right on everything! OK, so the book on a sex goddess, where do I find it, and what would you suggest I do? I want to be that perfect man for her. I feel right now, if I don't ask her about sex, we'll never have it! Seduction, where do I start?

[You Go Girl]

You get mad sometimes when you don't get sex?

 

First thing is to NEVER let that happen again in her lifetime.

 

The SECOND that you put your sexual desire above her feelings, you are guaranteed refusal.

Why don't some guys get it...it's so simple...not for one second of our lives is your desire worth more than our dignity and respect.

You get angry? That means you dont' respect us at that time.

Wives aren't ho's.

[RobM]

You get mad sometimes when you don't get sex?

 

First thing is to NEVER let that happen again in her lifetime.

 

The SECOND that you put your sexual desire above her feelings, you are guaranteed refusal.

Why don't some guys get it...it's so simple...not for one second of our lives is your desire worth more than our dignity and respect.

You get angry? That means you dont' respect us at that time.

Wives aren't ho's.

 

You're joking right? Guys can get turned down over and over and over and we're not supposed to take that as rejection, we're not supposed to ever get mad about it?

 

How long have you been married?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Rob, when you guys get turned down over and over, you're supposed to look at your approach, not get mad at us! I'm seriously turned off by being ignored all day, then growled at, then groped. Unfortunately, there's a lot of guys who employ this method.

 

Women in general fall all over themselves to boff a guy who is considerate AND interested (in more than his penis).

[RobM]

We should combine this thread with another one that going on too.

 

This is my point of view and experience, that what you're saying is just a bs excuse for why it's not your problem.

 

I did do all those things, everything to make her feel good etc, .... and guess what, it works!

 

Once or twice then it's not something different and things go right back to normal because she just didn't want sex as much as I did, and we're not talking everyday, just a couple times week.

 

So after trying all the stuff you girls keep saying to do we finally figure out it only works once or twice and then we start to get frustrated and mad at being rejected.

[Nancydrew]

but with a 2 year old and working that can only happen maybe twice a year

I take it the care of this 2 year old is split 50/50? I also take it when you say 2 year old you're referring to a child?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

We should combine this thread with another one that going on too.

 

This is my point of view and experience, that what you're saying is just a bs excuse for why it's not your problem.

 

 

There are certainly women who just don't like sex, for whatever reason I can't fathom. I can only explain my reasons why I went off sex temporarily. FWIW, now my husband has said that he is unsure how to turn me down for sex when he's tired, not into it, would rather watch tv. Um, drives come and go. It takes a very compassionate partner to allow a temporarily lower drive without getting all woggy about it.

[xxoo]

How do I keep it from getting boring and draw her out of her shell at home, so she will at least be a little adventurous.

 

If she likes movies, but doesn't want them in the house (I can understand that, with kids)...what about erotic stories? Have you tried getting some books with sexy stories (not romance novels...real erotica), and seeing if she responds? Maybe she'll be willing to bookmark something that excites her, if she is too shy to actually speak her sexual thoughts and feelings.

 

I agree with previous posters that anger is NOT a helpful response when turned down. If you have turned down over and over and over, that is a separate issue to be explored. What is the problem? Is it a difference in drive? (in which case you might be able to avoid being turned down repeatedly if you ask with less frequency). Is it approach? Is she sick or exhausted? Is there something that can be done outside the bedroom that would help?

 

In the moment, disappointment and even frustration are understandable. But anger would be a red flag for me, and affect my desire to connect in the future.

[tnttim]

You are EXACTLY right on everything! OK, so the book on a sex goddess, where do I find it, and what would you suggest I do? I want to be that perfect man for her. I feel right now, if I don't ask her about sex, we'll never have it! Seduction, where do I start?

 

Super Sex Power Magnetism by CR James

 

It all starts with you. You have to first raise your sexual value. you have to follow these rules:

 

 

1. sex is no longer top priority, don't get mad or disappointed if she cuts you off
   
2. Cut her off once in a while, and don't blame her. Say you aren't in the mood
   
3. Do something that you would normally expect sex after wards, like rubbing her back, and then don't have sex
   
4. Don't jump at her first attempts to start sex, make her work for it, play hard to get
   
5. Make her aware that other females are attracted to you, but you can't tell her directly, she has to come to that conclusion by the way females interact with you. Waitresses and sales women are perfect targets.(my personal favorite)
   
6. When you see a hot women and your wife comments on how pretty she is, you tell her "I would cut her off in a heart beat, she looks too easy to me, plus I'm turned on by women that ___________." Fill in the blank with something your wife feels great about. For mine it's writing.
   

You will see a huge change if you only do the above.

 

All the above does is make you worthy of having sex, now you have to turn her on. The CR James books will help with that. You want to become more of an alpha male, some would say an A**hole. The crazy thing is that it works if you understand the difference between an a**hole with sexual value versus an a**hole with no sexual value. The reason Snoop Dogg can call all women b*tches and still have almost any chick he wants.

 

It has and continues to work for me. My sex life with W is awesome, though it wasn't bad before.

 

I got caught up in the same cycles you did. I got so bad that sex became a scheduled event, and my W lost desire for me. The act was great, but she was always upset, or withdrawn afterward. I took the feelings out of it, and she was suffering. Now I make sure before, during and after she is happy because I saw how she was when I took the feelings out of it. It works, she is now excited and borderline giddy to have sex. She usually stays happy hours after sex now too. I took the pressure off her, put feelings back into the bedroom, and made sex fun again.

 

Read those books and I guarentee you will see results, almost immediately.

[tnttim]

Rob, when you guys get turned down over and over, you're supposed to look at your approach, not get mad at us! I'm seriously turned off by being ignored all day, then growled at, then groped. Unfortunately, there's a lot of guys who employ this method.

 

Women in general fall all over themselves to boff a guy who is considerate AND interested (in more than his penis).

 

So when you first fell in love with someone, like the third day after the first time. Your gonna tell me with a straight face that you wouldn't have jumped his bones if he was gone all day, or too busy for you, the second he grabbed you.

[SarahRose]

Rob, when you guys get turned down over and over, you're supposed to look at your approach, not get mad at us! I'm seriously turned off by being ignored all day, then growled at, then groped. Unfortunately, there's a lot of guys who employ this method.

 

Women in general fall all over themselves to boff a guy who is considerate AND interested (in more than his penis).

 

That is it.

 

Plus she works and has a 2 year old to take care of. I suspect she also does the majority of the household chores and errands.

 

IOW she is tired.

 

I think guys need to open their eyes a bit more to what is going on around them other than the erection in their pants and pay attention.

 

Get a babysitter sometimes. Do a good share of the chores and errands without being told and I bet she is more open to sex.

[maple05]

That is it.

 

Plus she works and has a 2 year old to take care of. I suspect she also does the majority of the household chores and errands.

 

IOW she is tired.

 

I think guys need to open their eyes a bit more to what is going on around them other than the erection in their pants and pay attention.

 

Get a babysitter sometimes. Do a good share of the chores and errands without being told and I bet she is more open to sex.

 

I do the dishes and laundry, go to the store whenever she wants anything, whatever support she needs. She handles the details with our little one, so I support as much as I can with everything else. I seriously think fatigue and stress (from other sources) is killing her sex drive.

 

As for turning her down every once in a while, well, I'll never have an opportunity to do that, because I'll never be asked.

[You Go Girl]

You're joking right? Guys can get turned down over and over and over and we're not supposed to take that as rejection, we're not supposed to ever get mad about it?

 

How long have you been married?

 

NOPE, not joking one iota.

Yes, you can take being turned down as rejection, because that is exactly what it is, if it's frequent, and not a true headache, etc.

NOPE, you are never to get mad about it. The second you get mad about it, she remembers FOREVER that you are so selfish that you think sex is all about you and your desire. You want to know why you are rejected? Start paying attention to her feelings.

Come on now, if it was about the two of you--then there wouldn't be anger! There would be compassion, and greater attempts to understand why the two of you aren't connecting as well.

But anger as in--wifey ain't giving me any, (objectifying her, treating her as sex receptacle, or her duty) is completely SELFISH, and in that case, you get your just desserts, which are none.

 

I was with first husband 20 years, 14 of those married, and now 6 on second marriage.

First husband whined during dry spells. THat is such a turn-OFF. Dry spells were extended for whining, naturally, just like you don't give a kid candy who whines about getting some all day.

2nd, never a problem with desire on my part.

[tnttim]

You're joking right? Guys can get turned down over and over and over and we're not supposed to take that as rejection, we're not supposed to ever get mad about it?

 

How long have you been married?

 

10 sex filled years

 

If you were a bowler and couldn't throw a strike to save your life would you

 

A) get mad at the ball for not hitting the pins

B) Change your approach, change your stance, change your throw

 

I chose B, how about you?

 

Insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[keltonsublet]

I am in a similar situation to the OP (but no kids) and wanted to comment on this post. I was given advice like this about five/six months ago, it wasn't exactly the same but close enough with the same central idea. Here's how I fared:

 

Super Sex Power Magnetism by CR James

 

It all starts with you. You have to first raise your sexual value. you have to follow these rules:

 

 

1. sex is no longer top priority, don't get mad or disappointed if she cuts you off (It honestly hasn't been as much of a priority as I have focused more on hobbies to take my mind off of it)
   
2. Cut her off once in a while, and don't blame her. Say you aren't in the mood (I waited six weeks with no initiation, this step wasn't possible to complete, as she doesn't initiate)
   
3. Do something that you would normally expect sex after wards, like rubbing her back, and then don't have sex (I changed up my back rub/massages then try for sex to just the back rubs/massages without any sexual expectation. The only result, she asks for massages more often)
   
   
4. Don't jump at her first attempts to start sex, make her work for it, play hard to get (Again, sex doesn't initiate, so if I play hard to get, I don't get anything)
   
5. Make her aware that other females are attracted to you, but you can't tell her directly, she has to come to that conclusion by the way females interact with you. Waitresses and sales women are perfect targets.(my personal favorite) (When we do go out, I am mildly flirty with other women, and do get flirty interaction from other women. No reaction/change from the wife)
   
   
6. When you see a hot women and your wife comments on how pretty she is, you tell her "I would cut her off in a heart beat, she looks too easy to me, plus I'm turned on by women that ___________." Fill in the blank with something your wife feels great about. For mine it's writing. (I have done things similar to this, but the only thing that shines through to her is my initial comment, and not the compliment paid to her and more often than not, it turns into an argument.)
   
   

You will see a huge change if you only do the above.

 

I understand the rationale behind these steps, but in about the five months since I have conciously altered my behavior, I have noticed little to no change in our intimate relationship. I'm sure it works for some people, but it definitely isn't a one size fits all approach.

 

All the above does is make you worthy of having sex, now you have to turn her on. The CR James books will help with that. You want to become more of an alpha male, some would say an A**hole. The crazy thing is that it works if you understand the difference between an a**hole with sexual value versus an a**hole with no sexual value. The reason Snoop Dogg can call all women b*tches and still have almost any chick he wants.

 

It has and continues to work for me. My sex life with W is awesome, though it wasn't bad before.

 

I got caught up in the same cycles you did. I got so bad that sex became a scheduled event, and my W lost desire for me. The act was great, but she was always upset, or withdrawn afterward. I took the feelings out of it, and she was suffering. Now I make sure before, during and after she is happy because I saw how she was when I took the feelings out of it. It works, she is now excited and borderline giddy to have sex. She usually stays happy hours after sex now too. I took the pressure off her, put feelings back into the bedroom, and made sex fun again.

 

Read those books and I guarentee you will see results, almost immediately.

[SarahRose]

I do the dishes and laundry, go to the store whenever she wants anything, whatever support she needs. She handles the details with our little one, so I support as much as I can with everything else. I seriously think fatigue and stress (from other sources) is killing her sex drive.

 

As for turning her down every once in a while, well, I'll never have an opportunity to do that, because I'll never be asked.

 

So what actions can YOU take to relieve her fatigue and stress?

[tommyr]

So what actions can YOU take to relieve her fatigue and stress?

 

I thought his posting was pretty clear that he DOES his share with the household chores.

 

My question would be this: what action can SHE take to prioritize her marriage over the infinite stream of possible other distractions?

 

Sounds like another case of SuperMOM syndrome.

[tommyr]

A) get mad at the ball for not hitting the pins

B) Change your approach, change your stance, change your throw

 

So the problem is his spin and delivery?

I hope YouGoGirl does not read that - talk about objectifying her !!

[giotto]

I am in a similar situation to the OP (but no kids) and wanted to comment on this post. I was given advice like this about five/six months ago, it wasn't exactly the same but close enough with the same central idea. Here's how I fared:

 

lol... you are so right... unfortunately some women haven't gotten off us, they just have gotten off sex and they are not at all interested in it, nor have any sex drive... so, yes, we can do all that stuff and wait for years...

 

Another problem is, personally speaking, that my wife is not stupid... she knows exactly why I do things (we've been together 25 years) and even a plan as tnttim's would be spotted miles away... if I behaved in a certain way for years, why the changes (regardless of how small or gradual they are)? Yes, you guessed it! Because I want sex!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

lol... you are so right... unfortunately some women haven't gotten off us, they just have gotten off sex and they are not at all interested in it, nor have any sex drive... so, yes, we can do all that stuff and wait for years...

 

Another problem is, personally speaking, that my wife is not stupid... she knows exactly why I do things (we've been together 25 years) and even a plan as tnttim's would be spotted miles away... if I behaved in a certain way for years, why the changes (regardless of how small or gradual they are)? Yes, you guessed it! Because I want sex!

 

Hell I've told her pretty much everything I do for her/the family is predicated on having sex.... She knows that..... Fortunately we are in a pretty decent space right now (and we're both too exhausted of late).....

[SarahRose]

I thought his posting was pretty clear that he DOES his share with the household chores.

 

My question would be this: what action can SHE take to prioritize her marriage over the infinite stream of possible other distractions?

 

Sounds like another case of SuperMOM syndrome.

 

I seriously doubt he does his share with household chores. Putting a few cups in the dishwasher and putting one load in the washer isn't doing 50% of the household chores.

 

Men always overestimate how much they are helping around the house.

 

How much of these is he doing and doing completely?

 

These tasks should be completed on a daily basis to help keep your house sparkling between weekly

cleanings.

Kitchen

Wipe counters with damp cloths and disinfectant (soap and water is all you need).

Clear clutter—put dishes away, food back in cupboards and appliances where they normally sit.

Load/empty the dishwasher, or do the dishes.

Bathroom

Clear clutter from countertops and put things in their place—drop bath toys in their basket, put

cosmetics into their assigned drawers and toss garbage into the bin.

Bedrooms

Make the bed.

Put stray clothes in closets or hampers.

Clear clutter. Put reading material away and straighten dresser and bedside table tops.

Living room/playroom

Clear clutter. Put magazines into baskets and toys into bins.

 

Hallway/Stairs

Clear clutter that's accumulated—bring books to bedrooms, assorted clothing to appropriate

closets, etc.

 

Kitchen

Use a hot water/mild detergent combination to wipe greasy build up on your stove.

Disinfect countertops and wipe appliance faces.

Vacuum/mop kitchen oor.

Empty wastebaskets.

Bathroom

Wipe sinks and counters. Follow with a mild disinfectant to help stop germs.

Change towels.

Scrub toilet, tub and shower with an all-purpose cleaner, and use a powdered cleanser to get rid

of build up.

Sweep or vacuum floor and follow with mopping.

Wash windows and mirrors with a window cleaner or vinegar-and-water mixture.

Empty wastebaskets.

Bedrooms

Dust with a microbre cloth, which grabs dust better.

Wash bedding

Vacuum oor, moldings, baseboards and upholstered furniture.

Empty wastebaskets.

[giotto]

I seriously doubt he does his share with household chores. Putting a few cups in the dishwasher and putting one load in the washer isn't doing 50% of the household chores.

 

Men always overestimate how much they are helping around the house.

 

How much of these is he doing and doing completely?

 

These tasks should be completed on a daily basis to help keep your house sparkling between weekly

cleanings.

Kitchen

Wipe counters with damp cloths and disinfectant (soap and water is all you need).

Clear clutter—put dishes away, food back in cupboards and appliances where they normally sit.

Load/empty the dishwasher, or do the dishes.

Bathroom

Clear clutter from countertops and put things in their place—drop bath toys in their basket, put

cosmetics into their assigned drawers and toss garbage into the bin.

Bedrooms

Make the bed.

Put stray clothes in closets or hampers.

Clear clutter. Put reading material away and straighten dresser and bedside table tops.

Living room/playroom

Clear clutter. Put magazines into baskets and toys into bins.

 

Hallway/Stairs

Clear clutter that's accumulated—bring books to bedrooms, assorted clothing to appropriate

closets, etc.

 

Kitchen

Use a hot water/mild detergent combination to wipe greasy build up on your stove.

Disinfect countertops and wipe appliance faces.

Vacuum/mop kitchen oor.

Empty wastebaskets.

Bathroom

Wipe sinks and counters. Follow with a mild disinfectant to help stop germs.

Change towels.

Scrub toilet, tub and shower with an all-purpose cleaner, and use a powdered cleanser to get rid

of build up.

Sweep or vacuum floor and follow with mopping.

Wash windows and mirrors with a window cleaner or vinegar-and-water mixture.

Empty wastebaskets.

Bedrooms

Dust with a microbre cloth, which grabs dust better.

Wash bedding

Vacuum oor, moldings, baseboards and upholstered furniture.

Empty wastebaskets.

 

blimey, SarahRose... if I or my wife did all that on top of full time jobs + 4 kids (9-17 age range), 3 cats and dog, we would never have sex... which wouldn't change very much, though...