Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I'm at work so I don't have my personal email, time to talk personally on the phone or facebook to chat with friends. I just need to get this off my chest! I'm so lost and conflicted! I have no clue what I should do any more. One day I'm ready to leave him and then he convinces me to stay. He always pulls this whiney thing and begs. I don't want to hurt him and I can tell that it really does! The other day he tried to make me promise I wouldn't leave, how the hell can I promise something like that? I couldn't! I do love him but I just don't know if I want to be with him. I feel like I really just need to do something for myself and quit pleasing everybody else. But then to see him hurt, really gets me. He doesn't see that this choice hurts me too. He has been trying and has been more attentive and nicer lately. I do have to give him that credit. But I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. He keeps asking if there is someone else. There is but it's ME! I'm sick of the house we are living in, I'm sick of the drive to work, I'm sick of my job (well that's been a long time on that one!), I'm just plain sick and tired of everything and feel like I need a change. Maybe it's not all him but he hasn't helped the situation. I feel like it's a little bit too much a little too late. He told me not to string him along but that's all I feel like I'm doing. I want him to be happy too. I just don't know any more! I feel so bad for everything that is going on! I truely never thought something like this would or could happen. I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I'm so much of an independent person and love to get out and do things. He's trying more to do that but he always complains that he had a long day at work and doesn't want to do anything on the week days. His temper has gone down a lot and he's not saying a lot of mean things any more but I feel like the damage is done. And who knows how long it will last! We are supposed to start marriage counseling but I don't even know if I want to go any more. I just feel like it's going to put us in a worse situation! I just needed to get this all of my chest to someone!
onedayatatyme Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Lindsey, I'll talk to you. You sound just like my wife. Difference is my wife didn't communicate these feelings to me clearly until after she had an affair. Kudos to you for not having an exit affair. That is a real killer. My wife and I are headed to divorce. You are at a fork in the road. My wife and I have already passed that fork about 4 months ago so I can give you a little perspective on how things look from here. I have learned alot about myself since I have detatched from my wife and started living my own life. I have found that many of the things that she was complaining about have changed naturally BECAUSE I am away from her. We were causing each other stress. Now I'm more patient with the kids and my co-workers. I have time for my own activites. I've started playing softball and I plan to start boxing classes after the divorce is final. In the marriage I thought I never had time for this stuff but it turns out we were just smothering each other. I had time, I just felt I needed to spend it all with her. Very misguided. If we had taken the right action before the affair (assuming she would have communicated with me), the marriage probably could have been saved. I would suggest that you both start living your own lives. My guess is that your husband is so clingy right now that he will resist, you will have to force him. Separation might be the only way to do that. Maybe you guys should live appart for a while and do marriage counselling or retreats. Maybe there is something better out there for you but let me ask a few questions. Could it be just a case of greener grass on the other side? Could it be that your marriage could be saved with some drastic changes? How seriously do you take your vows to stay with this man forever no matter what? You are talking about what else might be out there for you. Marriage is not supposed to be completely about you. What about him? What about your kids (if you have any)? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just pointing out that this is what marriage is supposed to be, a lifelong covenant. I don't mean to come across as judgemental. There are certainly some marriages that cannot or should not be saved. Maybe yours is one of those. But if the only reason to leave is that you feel there might be something better out there, then it sounds to me like yours could be saved with the right commitment from both of you. When I say saved, I mean with both of you guys happy, healthy, well adjusted, and in-love. Have hope.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Lindsey, I'll talk to you. You sound just like my wife. Difference is my wife didn't communicate these feelings to me clearly until after she had an affair. Kudos to you for not having an exit affair. That is a real killer. My wife and I are headed to divorce. You are at a fork in the road. My wife and I have already passed that fork about 4 months ago so I can give you a little perspective on how things look from here. I have learned alot about myself since I have detatched from my wife and started living my own life. I have found that many of the things that she was complaining about have changed naturally BECAUSE I am away from her. We were causing each other stress. Now I'm more patient with the kids and my co-workers. I have time for my own activites. I've started playing softball and I plan to start boxing classes after the divorce is final. In the marriage I thought I never had time for this stuff but it turns out we were just smothering each other. I had time, I just felt I needed to spend it all with her. Very misguided. If we had taken the right action before the affair (assuming she would have communicated with me), the marriage probably could have been saved. I would suggest that you both start living your own lives. My guess is that your husband is so clingy right now that he will resist, you will have to force him. Separation might be the only way to do that. Maybe you guys should live appart for a while and do marriage counselling or retreats. Maybe there is something better out there for you but let me ask a few questions. Could it be just a case of greener grass on the other side? Could it be that your marriage could be saved with some drastic changes? How seriously do you take your vows to stay with this man forever no matter what? You are talking about what else might be out there for you. Marriage is not supposed to be completely about you. What about him? What about your kids (if you have any)? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just pointing out that this is what marriage is supposed to be, a lifelong covenant. I don't mean to come across as judgemental. There are certainly some marriages that cannot or should not be saved. Maybe yours is one of those. But if the only reason to leave is that you feel there might be something better out there, then it sounds to me like yours could be saved with the right commitment from both of you. When I say saved, I mean with both of you guys happy, healthy, well adjusted, and in-love. Have hope. I've posted about the issues in my marriage before. He is a veryball abusive partner, tends to think of himself first, puts me down all the time. He is changing some of that now but I just feel like I'm done and don't want to fight it anymore. We've never had what I would consider a normal marriage. I try to communicate with him but he just fights back no matter what I say, we don't share bank accounts, etc. I do take my vows seriously, that's why I never thought I would be in this position. I do try to have my own life, I do things on my own all the time. I work out 5-6 days a week, hang out with my friends, spend time with my family. But I do feel smothered by him cause I'm the only thing he has. He doesn't do much besides sit at home and watch tv. I'm spending Saturday night at my sister's and encouraged him to go hang out with one of his friends he hasn't seen in a while (maybe that will get his mind of me for the night!). Our marriage has mostly put him first with everything. It's always what he wants. I feel it's time to do something for me. We don't have kids, not sure if we ever will I just feel like I could do so much more with my life without feeling guilty for leaving him home all the time, without feeling pressure from him about certain aspects of my life. This has been an ongoing thing since last fall. I left him right before Christmas but came back the next day cause he begged me to spend Christmas with him. But yet it's has taken him this long to even start to try to change even though I told him all this before. I don't feel like he has taken me seriously until now. And even if he is now, I'm not holding my breath that he will change for good. I feel like he's going to change long enough to keep me around and then go right back to the way things were.
mikeymad Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 So do you think your negative attitude about job, house etc is seeping into your relationship? Have you taken stock in what part you have played in this? It seems like from what you say we have what the picture in your mind is of your H. You say you want to do things...go do them. Discovering yourself is still possible within a marriage. He's more of a homebody, you're outgoing....that dynamic is not a unsurmountable hurdle. Compromise. Don't admonish him for wanting to stay home because that's not your style. If you took your vows as seriously as you say, the D word would never be brought up. You're saying that you take them seriously as long as everything is going well. The man's willing to go to MC with you. Work on how to make changes in yourself and hold yourself accountable. He should do the same. Going to MC figuring the counselor will side with you and tell him to do all the changing is unreasonable. Maybe if he is fighting back when you communicate, you are not communicating in a way that he can understand, or you are being combative yourself. Also, sharing bank accounts is not necessarily a sign of a "normal marriage". The man is doing his part to change, and you even recognize that, but are discrediting it right away as this "too little too late" stuff. That is unfair to him to box him into a corner. Get to counseling, and agree to be honest, but respectful of each other. Most of all hold YOURSELF accountable to change to make things better. Don't focus on him.
onedayatatyme Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I've posted about the issues in my marriage before. He is a veryball abusive partner, tends to think of himself first, puts me down all the time. He is changing some of that now but I just feel like I'm done and don't want to fight it anymore. We've never had what I would consider a normal marriage. I try to communicate with him but he just fights back no matter what I say, we don't share bank accounts, etc. I do take my vows seriously, that's why I never thought I would be in this position. I do try to have my own life, I do things on my own all the time. I work out 5-6 days a week, hang out with my friends, spend time with my family. But I do feel smothered by him cause I'm the only thing he has. He doesn't do much besides sit at home and watch tv. I'm spending Saturday night at my sister's and encouraged him to go hang out with one of his friends he hasn't seen in a while (maybe that will get his mind of me for the night!). Our marriage has mostly put him first with everything. It's always what he wants. I feel it's time to do something for me. We don't have kids, not sure if we ever will I just feel like I could do so much more with my life without feeling guilty for leaving him home all the time, without feeling pressure from him about certain aspects of my life. This has been an ongoing thing since last fall. I left him right before Christmas but came back the next day cause he begged me to spend Christmas with him. But yet it's has taken him this long to even start to try to change even though I told him all this before. I don't feel like he has taken me seriously until now. And even if he is now, I'm not holding my breath that he will change for good. I feel like he's going to change long enough to keep me around and then go right back to the way things were. All of this sounds familiar too. Can you give me specific examples of the verbal abuse? I resisted change too. Most people do when they are comfortable with who they are. Maybe he's just not properly motivated yet. Leaving for one day and coming back immediately tells him you are not really serious about leaving. Actions speak louder than words so it doesn't matter what you say or what he says in response. He will not believe you until you take serious action to demonstrate you are serious. You may actually have to leave and go NC. Accept that if he were to join LS.org and explain your leaving and NC, everybody on here would be telling him that you are having an EA/PA. That's OK. Having the doo doo scared out of him might be the only thing that makes him wake up. You have expressed some very reasonable expectations. He needs his own life, you should not bear the burden of being his "everything", he needs to adjust the way he talks to you. After you let him freak out for a while under NC, you could offer to work on the marriage on your terms. Those could include months of MC and IC for both of you. I have lots more thoughts but let's have a dialogue. I don't want to pretend I have all the answers. Remember, I'm getting a divorce myself so I'm no expert. I just see things with the benefit of hindsight for myself and probably a little insight into your husband.
onedayatatyme Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 So do you think your negative attitude about job, house etc is seeping into your relationship? Have you taken stock in what part you have played in this? It seems like from what you say we have what the picture in your mind is of your H. You say you want to do things...go do them. Discovering yourself is still possible within a marriage. He's more of a homebody, you're outgoing....that dynamic is not a unsurmountable hurdle. Compromise. Don't admonish him for wanting to stay home because that's not your style. If you took your vows as seriously as you say, the D word would never be brought up. You're saying that you take them seriously as long as everything is going well. The man's willing to go to MC with you. Work on how to make changes in yourself and hold yourself accountable. He should do the same. Going to MC figuring the counselor will side with you and tell him to do all the changing is unreasonable. Maybe if he is fighting back when you communicate, you are not communicating in a way that he can understand, or you are being combative yourself. Also, sharing bank accounts is not necessarily a sign of a "normal marriage". The man is doing his part to change, and you even recognize that, but are discrediting it right away as this "too little too late" stuff. That is unfair to him to box him into a corner. Get to counseling, and agree to be honest, but respectful of each other. Most of all hold YOURSELF accountable to change to make things better. Don't focus on him. While my previous advice is worth considering, so is Mikey's. You do need to do lots of self examination and Mikey brings up many very good points.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 So do you think your negative attitude about job, house etc is seeping into your relationship? Have you taken stock in what part you have played in this? It seems like from what you say we have what the picture in your mind is of your H. You say you want to do things...go do them. Discovering yourself is still possible within a marriage. He's more of a homebody, you're outgoing....that dynamic is not a unsurmountable hurdle. Compromise. Don't admonish him for wanting to stay home because that's not your style. If you took your vows as seriously as you say, the D word would never be brought up. You're saying that you take them seriously as long as everything is going well. The man's willing to go to MC with you. Work on how to make changes in yourself and hold yourself accountable. He should do the same. Going to MC figuring the counselor will side with you and tell him to do all the changing is unreasonable. Maybe if he is fighting back when you communicate, you are not communicating in a way that he can understand, or you are being combative yourself. Also, sharing bank accounts is not necessarily a sign of a "normal marriage". The man is doing his part to change, and you even recognize that, but are discrediting it right away as this "too little too late" stuff. That is unfair to him to box him into a corner. Get to counseling, and agree to be honest, but respectful of each other. Most of all hold YOURSELF accountable to change to make things better. Don't focus on him. The first four-five times I brought up MC, he refused. Said we didn't need to go, that we can work on things ourselves. Then 4-5 months of him not doing anything until the last few weeks. I know I have my faults, I'm not hiding that fact. There are things I can work on too. It's just that up until now I was willing to and he wasn't. Now that he seems willing to, I don't feel like it's worth the fight any more. I don't think he has taken our marriage seriously while I have for the last 3 1/2 years we've been married.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 All of this sounds familiar too. Can you give me specific examples of the verbal abuse? I resisted change too. Most people do when they are comfortable with who they are. Maybe he's just not properly motivated yet. Leaving for one day and coming back immediately tells him you are not really serious about leaving. Actions speak louder than words so it doesn't matter what you say or what he says in response. He will not believe you until you take serious action to demonstrate you are serious. You may actually have to leave and go NC. Accept that if he were to join LS.org and explain your leaving and NC, everybody on here would be telling him that you are having an EA/PA. That's OK. Having the doo doo scared out of him might be the only thing that makes him wake up. You have expressed some very reasonable expectations. He needs his own life, you should not bear the burden of being his "everything", he needs to adjust the way he talks to you. After you let him freak out for a while under NC, you could offer to work on the marriage on your terms. Those could include months of MC and IC for both of you. I have lots more thoughts but let's have a dialogue. I don't want to pretend I have all the answers. Remember, I'm getting a divorce myself so I'm no expert. I just see things with the benefit of hindsight for myself and probably a little insight into your husband. Here is my original story if you feel like reading through it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225072/ I didn't really want to go back on Christmas, I wanted to stay with my family. All I kept thinking was that I wanted to wake up happy on Christmas. But apparently I'm weak. And he promised me the world and then fell back on it. I have always tried to be a good wife. There for him when he needs it, trying to keep up on the household chores (not the best but at least I try!), I don't nag (really I don't), I would love to have sex every night but my sex drive is higher than his, I love his family and I love him. I just don't feel like I get the same thing back from him until just now.
boogieboy Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Have you every thought of going on a vacation by yourself? Taking two weeks somewhere nice, alone, or with friends, so you can think about your life without contacting him. I agree you dont need marriage counceling, since youre able to successfully communicate with him. Hes working on his problems, so maybe you can take a quick break and decide if you want to work on the issues you have while he works on his. Nothing wakes you up like not being able to talk to your SO. BTW the verbally abusive thing is really hard to change, kinda like changing a persons essense.
Owl Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Lindsey, I want to ask a blunt question, but I want to make sure that you realize and understand I'm not judging or asking this in any way to hurt you. It's an honest question, raised by what I've read in your posts on this thread, and the answer really is relevent to your situation. Are you enaged in or contemplating a relationship with someone else right now? (Are you engaged in an affair, either emotional or physical, or both?) If you're not, please don't be offended by my question. It's simply that many, many times when someone posts feeling like you've described, this is a common factor. If you are, again please don't be offended by the question, just understand that it IS relevent to the situation, even if you feel that it might not be. Again...no offense is intended here at all.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Have you every thought of going on a vacation by yourself? Taking two weeks somewhere nice, alone, or with friends, so you can think about your life without contacting him. I agree you dont need marriage counceling, since youre able to successfully communicate with him. Hes working on his problems, so maybe you can take a quick break and decide if you want to work on the issues you have while he works on his. Nothing wakes you up like not being able to talk to your SO. BTW the verbally abusive thing is really hard to change, kinda like changing a persons essense. I have seriously thought about that. Last month I asked a friend where I should "run away to"!
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Lindsey, I want to ask a blunt question, but I want to make sure that you realize and understand I'm not judging or asking this in any way to hurt you. It's an honest question, raised by what I've read in your posts on this thread, and the answer really is relevent to your situation. Are you enaged in or contemplating a relationship with someone else right now? (Are you engaged in an affair, either emotional or physical, or both?) If you're not, please don't be offended by my question. It's simply that many, many times when someone posts feeling like you've described, this is a common factor. If you are, again please don't be offended by the question, just understand that it IS relevent to the situation, even if you feel that it might not be. Again...no offense is intended here at all. I'm not offended at all. I'm a pretty open person who knows that questions like this need to be asked. There isn't anyone else and never has been. I've been with my husband for 7 years (married 3 1/2) and have never even thought about being with someone else. Although he does accuse me of it from time to time and has had those thoughts himself lately. If I'm overly flirty (in his mind) with someone at work, he would get mad and accuse me. I talked about my trainer wanting me to train at the gym and he asked if I had something going on with him. He even jokingly accuses me of doing sexual things with my best friend when we hang out. Since I've started talking about leaving (and I have shared this with him since September), that's the one thing he keeps asking. I told him if there was someone else, it would be ME, not another human being. I don't want to be with anyone else, I just don't know if I want to be with him.
onedayatatyme Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Here is my original story if you feel like reading through it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225072/ I didn't really want to go back on Christmas, I wanted to stay with my family. All I kept thinking was that I wanted to wake up happy on Christmas. But apparently I'm weak. And he promised me the world and then fell back on it. I have always tried to be a good wife. There for him when he needs it, trying to keep up on the household chores (not the best but at least I try!), I don't nag (really I don't), I would love to have sex every night but my sex drive is higher than his, I love his family and I love him. I just don't feel like I get the same thing back from him until just now. I will read your original story. I know all of this is messy and in hindsight you wish you had stayed away on Christmas. You've made mistakes and he's made mistakes. Maybe he truly realizes his mistakes now and is genuinely willing to work on himself. On teh other hand maybe he's going to backslide as soon as he thinks he has you pacified. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy or doesn't love you or doesn't take the marriage seriously. He's human. It sounds like you guys aren't communicating effectively. He's willing to go to MC to work on it. Don't worry about him refusing in the past. It's in the past. Let it go and move forward. Own that there are probably things you could/should have done differently to communicate how serious you were. How do you feel about IC in addition to MC?
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Lindsey, I want to ask a blunt question, but I want to make sure that you realize and understand I'm not judging or asking this in any way to hurt you. It's an honest question, raised by what I've read in your posts on this thread, and the answer really is relevent to your situation. Are you enaged in or contemplating a relationship with someone else right now? (Are you engaged in an affair, either emotional or physical, or both?) If you're not, please don't be offended by my question. It's simply that many, many times when someone posts feeling like you've described, this is a common factor. If you are, again please don't be offended by the question, just understand that it IS relevent to the situation, even if you feel that it might not be. Again...no offense is intended here at all. I also wanted to add that when we started dating I got rid of most of my guy friends. Some were just friends but others were ex's that we remained friends. He is a very jealous guy and I didn't want that causing problems between us. I had no problems letting go of these friends at the time.
onedayatatyme Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I'm not offended at all. I'm a pretty open person who knows that questions like this need to be asked. There isn't anyone else and never has been. I've been with my husband for 7 years (married 3 1/2) and have never even thought about being with someone else. Although he does accuse me of it from time to time and has had those thoughts himself lately. If I'm overly flirty (in his mind) with someone at work, he would get mad and accuse me. I talked about my trainer wanting me to train at the gym and he asked if I had something going on with him. He even jokingly accuses me of doing sexual things with my best friend when we hang out. Since I've started talking about leaving (and I have shared this with him since September), that's the one thing he keeps asking. I told him if there was someone else, it would be ME, not another human being. I don't want to be with anyone else, I just don't know if I want to be with him. Try not to get frustrated with him for suspecting an affair. You are showing the signs. Remember, if he were to log on here and explain his view, everybody would be yelling "WAKE UP! She got someone else."
Owl Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Thanks Lindsey. Your response makes a lot of sense. 1. I'd suggest this to you...give real, serious thought to what you can and cannot accept in your marriage. 2. Decide for yourself (not for your H) whether or not the things that aren't being met in your marriage are "deal breakers". (are you willing to continue to accept things as they are, or are you truly ready to leave if things don't change?) 3. Don't ask your H for MC...TELL HIM THAT IT'S REQUIRED IF YOU'RE GOING TO CONSIDER REMAINING MARRIED. If he refuses to go, you have your answers as to whether or not he's truly willing to change things...file for divorce. 4. Attend MC, with that list of changes that need to occur in hand. Make it clear that you've lived like this for as long as you're willing...and that things need to be changed long term and permanent, or it's time to end the marriage. 5. Be willing to listen to the MC, and your H, and compromise WHERE IT MAKES SENSE. DO NOT compromise on things that you simply cannot accept!!! 6. Give him time to make the changes...reasonably agreed upon time negotiated in MC. 7. If he refuses, or doesn't meet your times...make it clear that you're not willing to remain married like that, and seperate/divorce. There is nothing wrong with setting clear expectations and boundaries in your marriage...nothing wrong with negotiating and coming up with a working plan...and nothing wrong with ending the marriage if your partner cannot/will not meet your needs, and/or allow you to meet his. In other words...decide what you NEED, and take action to have it met either in this marriage, or outside of it (the right way!). Just my thoughts.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Try not to get frustrated with him for suspecting an affair. You are showing the signs. Remember, if he were to log on here and explain his view, everybody would be yelling "WAKE UP! She got someone else." The only time I get frustrated is when it's constant nagging about what I'm doing with someone else just because I'm overly nice to them.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Thanks Lindsey. Your response makes a lot of sense. 1. I'd suggest this to you...give real, serious thought to what you can and cannot accept in your marriage. 2. Decide for yourself (not for your H) whether or not the things that aren't being met in your marriage are "deal breakers". (are you willing to continue to accept things as they are, or are you truly ready to leave if things don't change?) 3. Don't ask your H for MC...TELL HIM THAT IT'S REQUIRED IF YOU'RE GOING TO CONSIDER REMAINING MARRIED. If he refuses to go, you have your answers as to whether or not he's truly willing to change things...file for divorce. 4. Attend MC, with that list of changes that need to occur in hand. Make it clear that you've lived like this for as long as you're willing...and that things need to be changed long term and permanent, or it's time to end the marriage. 5. Be willing to listen to the MC, and your H, and compromise WHERE IT MAKES SENSE. DO NOT compromise on things that you simply cannot accept!!! 6. Give him time to make the changes...reasonably agreed upon time negotiated in MC. 7. If he refuses, or doesn't meet your times...make it clear that you're not willing to remain married like that, and seperate/divorce. There is nothing wrong with setting clear expectations and boundaries in your marriage...nothing wrong with negotiating and coming up with a working plan...and nothing wrong with ending the marriage if your partner cannot/will not meet your needs, and/or allow you to meet his. In other words...decide what you NEED, and take action to have it met either in this marriage, or outside of it (the right way!). Just my thoughts. Thank you, it does make a lot of sense when you put it that way. I think I will take your suggestions to heart and go from there.
Nomad1 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 You guys have no children. No matter how much he tries to change, you are just not feeling it. In fact, his eagerness to please you has two undesirable effects: 1) You lose respect for him because he wants to change his identity to please you while losing himself in the process. 2) the more he changes to what you think he should have been all along, the more resentful you become. You are in a mindset whereby nothing romantic can come from him as far as you are concerned. No sparkles, no fireworks, no stomach churns. Like many dreamers you probably think that such a state of euphoria that being in love can produce, is out there...discoverable and perennial. Let's face it your old dude is not cutting the mustard. Divorce him and go out there and find a Luv Dr that will match and even exceed your libido. Life is too short. Marriage is unnatural. Don't waste one more day on this one! Good luck
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 You guys have no children. No matter how much he tries to change, you are just not feeling it. In fact, his eagerness to please you has two undesirable effects: 1) You lose respect for him because he wants to change his identity to please you while losing himself in the process. 2) the more he changes to what you think he should have been all along, the more resentful you become. You are in a mindset whereby nothing romantic can come from him as far as you are concerned. No sparkles, no fireworks, no stomach churns. Like many dreamers you probably think that such a state of euphoria that being in love can produce, is out there...discoverable and perennial. Let's face it your old dude is not cutting the mustard. Divorce him and go out there and find a Luv Dr that will match and even exceed your libido. Life is too short. Marriage is unnatural. Don't waste one more day on this one! Good luck Deep down, this is how I feel (except that I do believe marriage is fine).
Nomad1 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 If children were involved, then I would understand your hesitation. But really, once things get to where you are emotionally, divorce is the best way forward. You might patch things up, then 6 months or 2 years down the line, you will start to feel the same way again. These feelings never entirely disappear. Things could get worse if you have children in the meantime. Marriage is unnatural, because people always start to look elsewhere after a while. Even the most beautiful, wealthiest people on earth become dissatisfied with their partners. There is no need to feel guilty about your husband. He will feel unhappy at first, but then he will be fine and maybe find someone that will be a much closer match to him. Just be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel. We only live once and there are no retakes. Take care Nomad1
Owl Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 You guys have no children. No matter how much he tries to change, you are just not feeling it. In fact, his eagerness to please you has two undesirable effects: 1) You lose respect for him because he wants to change his identity to please you while losing himself in the process. 2) the more he changes to what you think he should have been all along, the more resentful you become. You are in a mindset whereby nothing romantic can come from him as far as you are concerned. No sparkles, no fireworks, no stomach churns. Like many dreamers you probably think that such a state of euphoria that being in love can produce, is out there...discoverable and perennial. There's a gem of truth in this. If you truly don't feel that your H is capable of being the kind of spouse you want...divorce him now, rather than spend time trying to convince him to change into something he can't/won't become. Let's face it your old dude is not cutting the mustard. Divorce him and go out there and find a Luv Dr that will match and even exceed your libido. Life is too short. Marriage is unnatural. Don't waste one more day on this one! Good luck Who says marriage is unnatural? MANY animals mate for life...most of the birds of prey (like owls) for example. Drinking sanitary water and using toilet paper isn't natural...do you recommend that we all give those up as well? Marriage is simply a personal decision. Nothing natural or unnatural about it. And if someone believes that they're not capable of fulfilling their vows longterm, they shouldn't get married in the first place.
Author Lindsey Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 If children were involved, then I would understand your hesitation. But really, once things get to where you are emotionally, divorce is the best way forward. You might patch things up, then 6 months or 2 years down the line, you will start to feel the same way again. These feelings never entirely disappear. Things could get worse if you have children in the meantime. Marriage is unnatural, because people always start to look elsewhere after a while. Even the most beautiful, wealthiest people on earth become dissatisfied with their partners. There is no need to feel guilty about your husband. He will feel unhappy at first, but then he will be fine and maybe find someone that will be a much closer match to him. Just be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel. We only live once and there are no retakes. Take care Nomad1 Before I posted my original story I read Mrs. Ambevelient's (sp?) story and thought that could be me in 20 years! I don't want to wake up in 20 years and realize that I wasted my life for someone who doesn't care about me. She even responded on my story saying that she wish she would have made the choice a long time ago. I'm still young, I'm only 28.
Nomad1 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Mating is natural. Marriage is a social construction that was introduced with an overt aim of maintaining social order, but a hidden aim of subjugating and controlling women. Now that worked for a while, until women started to refuse to play ball. One could argue that women's emancipation has contributed to their unhappiness. One could be right. Ironically, men are benefiting from women's liberation, particularly those who are commitment phobe. Many single women are into no strings attached non-committal partnerships with several men. Many guys are loving it. Why hark back to traditional norms when men and women can share happiness with many like minded people.
Nomad1 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Gosh Lindsey at 28, you have six more lives! You wrote with such maturity I thought you were in your 40s! You have so much more mileage in the clock, so to speak! I ran the London Marathon, back in 2000, alongside a 97 year old man, who finished in good time. I know a woman who received her PhD from Oxford aged 93! Your journey is just beginning and each time you achieve anything, good or bad, it will be: One less thing to do in life :-)!
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