Jersey Shortie Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 This was a comment I came across else where from a man: Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws. Agree? Disagree? Thoughts? I think it is what men need. And the female comparison for me, to that, would be: wanted, trusted, number one priority, feminine, sexy, interesting, respected, cherished and taken care of. Free free to also chime in with your own comparitive list on what you think women need or if you want to elaborate on what men need or disagree with the list.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 you know jersey, you are really into these laundry list of "wants/desires/expectations" etc. are you doing some research for some sociology project at Rutgers? Trust me... nothing is more scintillating than when a woman appreciate small little details about you that almost others overlook and they may genuinely feel those things for you due to their interest/attraction/love... it also means she is potentially going to know you inside and out and be a very strong influence (which doesnt always mean a good thing.)
TouchedByViolet Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Helpful and good topic for everyone Jersey Shortie. I agree with your OP quote and would add that some of the items like heroic and masculine are more dependent on how the guy feels about himself rather than his partners feelings toward him.
Tony T Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 "Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws." This is precisely correct. That's why God made dogs. All kidding aside, the biggest disappointment of my entire life was learning that in almost all relationships there comes a point where respect, consideration, thoughtfulness, etc. erode along with one or both partners taking the other for granted. This is so very tragic when it happens but unless BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP are incredibly aware, this situation is not repaired. By nature, human beings eventually take for granted that which is always there and always reliable and that is a death blow for any relationship. I'd say only one in 500 relationships are able to retain the mutual admiration, respect, etc. necessary to keep it functioning at an acceptable level. A large part of this is due to simple stupidity. People are generally ignorant to the fact that relationships need to be maintained. Most men pay more attention to their auto maintenance than their relationship. It's tragic.
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 A relationship is like a bank account.. if you only make withdrawals... you'll find yourself in the 'red'... and you'll eventually go bankrupt.
paleblue Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 A relationship is like a bank account.. if you only make withdrawals... you'll find yourself in the 'red'... and you'll eventually go bankrupt. that's awesome lol. respect, trust, loyalty - three big things, other than that, food, sex, and a hobby. thats it. very simple. lol.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I'm not a man, but I truly believe that JS's list is right on. I think I am fortunate to have found the 2nd love of my life in middle age. I know that men in general do need those things, and I am mature and confident in myself enough to be able to give them freely and joyously. Of course, he really does deserve them; he really offers all of those things in our relationship. Our age and life experiences enable both he and I to consciously make the choice, every single day, to treat one another with respect, to be unselfish, to help one another and to show love in any way we can. Speaking only for myself, I do give him these things unconditionally. He has some major "guy" behavior that sometimes leaves me out in the cold a little bit, such as his unquestioned perspective that building me two arbors in the garden are as appropriate a display of his love as taking a bubble bath with me, followed by a 5 hour candlelight make-out session would be. In fact, it really is; he IS expressing his love. I do communicate well and I get my womanly needs met, but my point is that giving him the things on JS's list is not dependent upon that.
MrNate Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 This was a comment I came across else where from a man: Agree? Disagree? Thoughts? I think it is what men need. And the female comparison for me, to that, would be: wanted, trusted, number one priority, feminine, sexy, interesting, respected, cherished and taken care of. Free free to also chime in with your own comparitive list on what you think women need or if you want to elaborate on what men need or disagree with the list. A man should make a woman feel like a woman, and the woman should make a man, feel like a man.
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Women may try to -over-articulate but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, feminine, sexy, smart, funny, and desirable. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws. Almost word for word, it cuts both ways. Jeesh, I hate this men want/women want crap. All anybody actually ever wants is to be understood, appreciated and loved. What's so difficult about leaving gender OUT of that? Oy....
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 are you doing some research for some sociology project at Rutgers? Ha, no but how do you know about Rutgeres Mr.Berlin. I agree with your OP quote and would add that some of the items like heroic and masculine are more dependent on how the guy feels about himself rather than his partners feelings toward him. What do you mean by that Violet? I do communicate well and I get my womanly needs met, but my point is that giving him the things on JS's list is not dependent upon that. Interesting point. Almost word for word, it cuts both ways. Jeesh, I hate this men want/women want crap. It has it's place. There are common things men and women do based on their gender. Is it the be all and end all of figuring out an indivdual man or woman? Of course not. But on this board, sometimes we have to talk about the generalizations. to have any kind of discussion to begin with.
ADF Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 It sounds reasonable, except for two items: 1) "Unconditional love." Unconditional love is a myth. Asking someone to love you unconditionally is pretty ridiculous. If you are a thoughtless, callous, abusive jerk, you shouldn't expect someone to love you in spite of that. 2) "You should love us despite ourr many flaws." This is just another way to ask for unconditional love. If your flaws include things like domestic violence, substance abuse or chronic infidelity, you pretty much forfeit your right to be loved.
Twenty-ten Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 (edited) Ha, no but how do you know about Rutgeres Mr.Berlin. Well your name IS "Jersey Shortie" so it wasn't a huge leap for him to make. On the OP, I think those are basic needs people in general want. I don't know anyone who enters into what they would consider a healthy relationship and not require those things on a very basic level. Sure beyond that everyone's needs are different. But that's core stuff I always thought. Edit: Yes right on ADF I was going to say the exact same thing 1) "Unconditional love." Unconditional love is a myth. Asking someone to love you unconditionally is pretty ridiculous. If you are a thoughtless, callous, abusive jerk, you shouldn't expect someone to love you in spite of that.That word is used too often to refer to romantic relationships and really who doesn't have any conditions when it comes to romantic love? Edited April 7, 2010 by Twenty-ten
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Well your name IS "Jersey Shortie" so it wasn't a huge leap for him to make. For someone that lives in the USA, yes that's not a huge leap. For someone that lives out of the country, which I am assuming is the case by his name, why would they know about Rutgers in New Jersey? The only college I know out of the US is Oxford. On the OP, I think those are basic needs people in general want. I don't want to be the hero.
Twenty-ten Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I get the sense he is American living abroad. Didn't get the hero comment.
TouchedByViolet Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 What do you mean by that Violet? A heroic and masculine guy has the ability to stand up for his gf. An attitude and confidence that says you hurt my gf and I will kick your butt. (i'm not advocating violence)
threebyfate Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 There aren`t too many people who want to be taken for granted. Even martyrs who wax eloquent about their purported self-sacrifices want to be acknowledged for them. As for unconditional love, anyone who`s looking for this is looking for a parent. Drill down to the core of romantic love. We all want or expect to be loved in return, hence making unconditional love a pipedream. As for being perceived as heroic, who in their right mind wants to be a hero? Most people want to be appreciated for themselves, whatever those qualities might be. Pedestals are bad mojo.
Star Gazer Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 For someone that lives in the USA, yes that's not a huge leap. For someone that lives out of the country, which I am assuming is the case by his name, why would they know about Rutgers in New Jersey? The only college I know out of the US is Oxford. Because most Americans are ignorant of things outside their own borders? In any event, your OP is spot on and really should go without saying. It's really not rocket science.
troggleputty Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 This was a comment I came across else where from a man: Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws. Agree? Disagree? Thoughts? Yeah it's actually a very unrealistic quote, if taken at face value. It actually sounds more like something a woman would like their fantasy man to be; or, perhaps what a woman would like a man to say that he wants, or aspires to be; but is not what a man would really want, nor what a man would even typically say he really wants. Most men are not all of the following things: "needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic". And most men are not even most of these things. This is what men want: 1. Really good sex, lots of it, and willing participation by the female. 2. Good home cooking by the woman. 3. The woman should take care of the man in other ways, and not resent taking care of her man. 4. The woman should not be a nag; she should not put her man down, esp. not in public. 5. The woman should not cheat (obviously). 6. Keep the house clean. 7. Don't sit around doing nothing all day and getting fat. The woman should keep herself lookin' good. Doing the above things shows the man that the woman loves him. I think it is what men need. Well the only thing that's really important in a relationship is what the man that you are in a relationship with, needs. Not what you think he's supposed to want or need. And the female comparison for me, to that, would be: wanted, trusted, number one priority, feminine, sexy, interesting, respected, cherished and taken care of. Well since now you are speaking directly for yourself, not "men" or "women" in the abstract, the response is: If you want to be wanted, then you have to make yourself worthy of being wanted. If you want to be trusted, then you have to be trustworthy. That means no flirting, no cheating, no having lots of "guy" friends, no excessive "girls' nights out," etc etc etc. So are you trustworthy? If not, don't expect to be trusted. Number on priority is kind of self centered. The number one priority will shift depending on circumstances. Obviously in terms of romantic relationships you should want to be the ONLY priority. Feminine/sexy: If you want to be perceived that way, you have to act that way, and you have to think that way. How many women that you know in real life are "feminine" "sexy" and "trustworthy," but are still looking for a decent male partner? Interesting? Be interesting. Respected? Be worthy of it. Cherished? Be worthy of it. "Taken care of?" LOL. Do you mean "financially" or some other way? Free free to also chime in with your own comparitive list on what you think women need or if you want to elaborate on what men need or disagree with the list. How many women do you actually know in real life who fit your list concerning women? Anyone who fits all those criteria is guaranteed, NOT "looking" for a relationship, because she's already in one.
troggleputty Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 A relationship is like a bank account.. if you only make withdrawals... you'll find yourself in the 'red'... and you'll eventually go bankrupt. I agree that the man should make frequent deposits, but oftentimes its the woman who refuses to cooperate.
atlnay Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Almost word for word, it cuts both ways. Jeesh, I hate this men want/women want crap. All anybody actually ever wants is to be understood, appreciated and loved. What's so difficult about leaving gender OUT of that? Oy.... I agree I think replace the word "men" with human and everyone will agree...I think where gender comes to play is in HOW the gender shows and receives the exact same wants. A man shows his love via his actions a woman via her words. If she understands that she may not always HEAR the touchy feely stuff her emotions needs, she can see that she is loved when he takes out the trash without being asked or paints the garage because it would make her happy.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Because most Americans are ignorant of things outside their own borders? So you know every college outside your own countries boarders? If you do, then you can say this. But I highly doubt you do.  Yeah it's actually a very unrealistic quote, if taken at face value. It actually sounds more like something a woman would like their fantasy man to be; or, perhaps what a woman would like a man to say that he wants, or aspires to be; but is not what a man would really want, nor what a man would even typically say he really wants. Most men are not all of the following things: "needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic". And most men are not even most of these things. A man said it and alot of other men agreed. I suspect more men do need these things then not. And yes, alot of men might not possess those qualities but it doesn't mean they don't have an inherent desire to want them. Why do you think so many actions movies center around the man saving the day? Because alot of men respond to the "hero" thing. Well the only thing that's really important in a relationship is what the man that you are in a relationship with, needs. Not what you think he's supposed to want or need. Funny that you say this. Then go on to pick apart the things I said were true for me. You don't have to like them. Thankfully, we will never date. If you think what matters is what a man really needs in a relationship, not what a woman *thinks* he needs, that goes the other way as well. It doesn't matter what you *think* a woman needs, all that matters is that you meet the needs *she* values. How many women do you actually know in real life who fit your list concerning women? Anyone who fits all those criteria is guaranteed, NOT "looking" for a relationship, because she's already in one. Many women. even women not in relationships. If everyone who was in a relationship was perfect and great, no one would ever cheat or get divorced. your "logic" is very flawed. I agree that the man should make frequent deposits, but oftentimes its the woman who refuses to cooperate. Wow, you've got issues dude.
ADF Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 A heroic and masculine guy has the ability to stand up for his gf. An attitude and confidence that says you hurt my gf and I will kick your butt. (i'm not advocating violence) Only rarely do men find themselves in a position where they genuinely need to defend their GFs. Most of the time, the reason men fight is to assert their claim on their GFs against men who are hitting on them. They're standing up for themselves, not their GFs.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Ha, no but how do you know about Rutgeres Mr.Berlin. QUOTE] ha ha ha... ahhh, how do I know the Black Kights?... I know New Brunswick well I lived in/around Princeton, NJ for about 5 years... another 4 in East village-NY
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 1) "Unconditional love." Unconditional love is a myth. Asking someone to love you unconditionally is pretty ridiculous. If you are a thoughtless, callous, abusive jerk, you shouldn't expect someone to love you in spite of that. 2) "You should love us despite ourr many flaws." This is just another way to ask for unconditional love. If your flaws include things like domestic violence, substance abuse or chronic infidelity, you pretty much forfeit your right to be loved. As for unconditional love, anyone who`s looking for this is looking for a parent. Drill down to the core of romantic love. We all want or expect to be loved in return, hence making unconditional love a pipedream. These two comments illustrate that people understand as much about 'Unconditional Love' as they do about Karma. as is usually the case, when terms are bandied about in this way, people get the completely wrong idea.... "Unconditional love." Unconditional love is a myth. Asking someone to love you unconditionally is pretty ridiculous. If you are a thoughtless, callous, abusive jerk, you shouldn't expect someone to love you in spite of that. Unconditional Love, is NOT a myth. You can never demand or expect Unconditional Love from anyone, but you can give it. Unconditional love means having affection, care, consideration and kindness for a person whether they ask for it or not, deserve it or not, return it or not. Developing Metta -caring, Loving Kindness - is one of the main objectives for Buddhists to develop. It exists and can be done. So please don't make the classic error of dismissing it, simply because you're incapable of it. "You should love us despite ourr many flaws." This is just another way to ask for unconditional love. If your flaws include things like domestic violence, substance abuse or chronic infidelity, you pretty much forfeit your right to be loved "Love me when I deserve it the least; for that is when I need it the most". This is not the Emotional love you mistakenly assume is meant. This is the engendered empathy and compassion we develop for those who are in the midst of suffering, whether thy have created their own suffering or have been subjected to it by a person or by circumstances. Who are you to judge whether a person 'deserves' love or not? They were once a tiny baby, held by loving arms. You suggest for example, that a mother deprive her child of her love because of this? As for unconditional love, anyone who`s looking for this is looking for a parent. Drill down to the core of romantic love. We all want or expect to be loved in return, hence making unconditional love a pipedream. Romantic Love is an ideal, and is ephemeral. it has no substance in and of itself. Romantic love is but a by-product of a deeper and more intense desire, to be loved in return. Romantic love is in essence, selfish. Unconditional Love is a hard-rock basis upon which to build. It needs developing, nourishing and establishing within mind and heart, to make it of endless value to ourselves and to others. we must start with ourselves. If we cannot love ourselves entirely, flaws and all, and accept that whatever we are, we are, then we cannot develop this Love for others. Please people, when you talk about things such as Karma and Unconditional Love, do your research. And before I get - "Oh, but I didn't mean it in that way, I meant it in a different way. I meant it in a westernised way of understanding....not a Buddhist way..." Then, it's not 'Karma'. And it's not 'Unconditional Love'.
Recommended Posts