violaaa Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Reading so many stories in this forum, I am courious when infidelity involved, physical affair with no feeling or emotional affair with real feeling is more hurting to the BS and the marriage. WS in which type of affair with regret is more likely to be forgiven by the BS?
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 An emotional affair is far more painful and far more threatening that they leave... physical is really no big deal... pffft... a lot of people have learned to deal with that just being a normal, healthy human thing. what is BS?
seren Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Speaking for myself, I could better understand H's affair if he had loved OW, if it was an 'unstoppable' meeting of two people who were meant, rather than what it was. The ease in which he was able to walk away from her, with no explanation was, IMO, insulting to us both. I respect honesty, I respect love for another, I could better understand if it had been 'all that'. Having said that, we are together, it is great (mostly), but to carry on a long term affair when one or the other is still with a MP does not compute with me - If he had loved, I would have understood (been hurt) but would have respected his honesty and the need to be with the one. I truly don't understand how anyone can be in love and still be with someone else. So, an emotional affair I get, an affair based on sex, nope, which is more hurting? I suppose it depends on the individual. Sometimes the MP doesn't really know what the A is, it just is.
shadowofman Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 An emotional affair is most hurtful because it is a betrayal of love. Not only that but emotional affairs are time consuming, which means your partner is being neglected. A physical affair is just sexy.
Author violaaa Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 When it seems like physical affairs is less hurting, will the betrayed spouse(BS) easily forgive the waywarded spouse(WS) when the latter does so regret and honesty?
Owl Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I would say that you can't really define one as worse than the other. It depends on the people involved, their values, etc... There are aspects of each that make it very tough to deal with. In an EA, it's hard to accept that your spouse could love someone else as much or more than they love you. In a PA, getting rid of the "mental pictures" that so many BS's tend to form can be EXTREMELY difficult. I don't beleive that one is "worse" than the other for everyone. I think that you just gotta leave it at "affairs are devestating".
JaneInVegas Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 IMO an emotional affair without sex is far more hurtful. But I think that's because I understand the lust factor in men more than the average woman. I have a jealous heart, the physical part just isn't 'as big' of an issue for me. But that's just me ...
bentnotbroken Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 This question has been asked several times here on LS. I always find it a bit amusing, a bit condescending and just a bit ridiculous. No offense to the OP. I guess the reason it find it a strange question is because the A=Betrayal. For me betrayal isn't one of degrees. It is one of destruction, in the case of an A. So what sex wasn't involved, that just means there is no chance of STD. But it is sharing your life with someone other than the partner you promised to be faithful to. It is stealing...time, compassion, laughter, tears, smiles, hugs, sweet kisses and solidarity from the spouse. Sex is involved, now we are talking about the exchange of bodily fluids. The possible transmission of some germ that has a long name and can or cannot be cured. Just sex never involves just sex. There is communication, sharing of life's details. Details that typically include the BS in some shape or form. Whether it's talking about the children, family vacation, household needs whatever, these all involve the BS. Which is worse...hmm. Which child do I like better? Which limb would I miss the most? Which half of my life would be better whipped out? Hmm that's how I view betrayal...there is no better one.
bentnotbroken Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I saw this after I posted, it describes how I view betrayal: introduction to a book by Patrick Carnes... "Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true--counted on to be true--was not. It was just..outright deceit and lies. Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. worse, there are the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost" "You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. Everything in you wants to believe you weren't. Please make it not so, you pray. Yet enough has emerged. Facts. Undeniable. You sizzle with anger" "Betrayal. You can't explain it away anymore. A Pattern exists. You know that now. You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really as it seemed). That would be unbearable. But to move forward means certain pain. No escape. No in-between. Choices have to be made..the unusual ways you numb yourself will not work. The reality is too great, too relentless" "Betrayal. A form of abandonment..the betrayer can still be close, even intimate..but yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed. "Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state. ..."you are grieving, like everyone who has a loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness, and sadness. Yet you are unaware of these feelings sometimes because your guard is up.." "But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing--convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. This attachment causes you to distrust your own judgement, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yourself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. This attachment to the person that betrayed you has a name--they are called betrayal bonds". "Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse to a person who is toxic, exploitative, or destructive to you is a form of insanity". I can honestly say I had a brief moment of insanity. I thought there was something to be saved....then reality slapped the crap out of me.
Author violaaa Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 May I ask why you're asking? It almost seems as if you think you may be caught, and want to know what lie to tell the BS. My apologies if this is an incorrect assessment. I understand your concern and thank for your reply. I am still single and is now not having boyfriend even. As a reader of this platform, I have been losing confidence in dating and looking for loyal life partners. I seem to have read many posts about female infidelity in this forum , but my personal concern is indeed more on :)male loyalty.
Author violaaa Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Thank for all the genuine replies. Personally, I think that any affair can be devastating when truely speaking the sense of betrayal is the core of pain. But I think emotional affair is even worse since I think some day or so it would also turn into a physical affair- so that double levels of betrayal are elicited:(
freestyle Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Hey Bent, What was the title of the book you quoted?My curiosity is piqued.... (Sorry for the t/j, Viola)
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