Dealing with jealousy after experiencing a betrayal...

[how2forgive&2forget]

It has been a year since my ex started and affair with OW. We got back together several times but it could never work out because of my bitterness and his inability to deal with my intense jealousy.

 

I left him because I thought he was the reason why I'm always in pain but now I realize I held on to all negativity. I am trying to see a new man and I have intense jealousies to people he's seeing as well although we are not in a committed relationship.

 

I can't do this to myself any longer, I need to be free from negative thoughts and be able to process my hurt in a healthy manner. I want to trust people again and not freak out.

 

I am thinking of going for IC and hopefully get CBT because I think that will work for me. Is there something else that can help me? I'm dying to become a happy person again! Or at least, a higher EQ level.

[threebyfate]

Some questions to ask yourself.

 

How did you figure out that your ex was cheating?

Were you ever cheated on before?

[how2forgive&2forget]

I had a gut instinct, he was acting different, he refused to have sex with me, so one day while he was at work I snooped on hus recycle bin and in his tmobile calls and found out he's been looking for sex partners and has been calling one girl like 10x a day. When I asked him he never lied...he admitted the affair. He chose her over me. He got dumped by her 3 months later. He then pursued me for three months, did everything for me to make me happy. But i kept on bringing her up trying to ruin good moments. Was extremely hostile to him. When i finally left him (he pursued me for 3 months, we got back together for 3 months), I finally realized that his remorse was real and that he indeed loved me.

 

Yes I was cheated on before by my previous ex to another younger girl.

 

I have a strange jealousy over younger women although I know I am sexually much better than any 18 year old (my ex taught me well) and I can hold a better and deeper conversation than them. I've also retained my 5th grade sense of humor and have lots of fun bantering and joking with male friends/dates.

 

I'm 28 now. Was in a relationship since I was 23. We lived together. Looks-wise I have no problem getting attention or dates. My ex chased a taller, bigger-chested, skinnier girl. So now i have issues with my small chest whereas before I liked my twins just fine. I am not overweight, I'm 5'3" 120 lbs, I'm proud of my behind lol! I'm growing my hair out and keeping it naturally black (i had to cut my waist-length hairlast year because of a bad perm job....I have a suspicion that this is when my ex started straying lol!

 

I'm going through my appearance because this is at least something I can start with, while I'm unable to work on my internal problems.

 

I biked today to get the endorphins going.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to listen to self-hypnosis tapes...it might help.

[whichwayisup]

CBT, a good idea!

 

It'll help you so much, make you understand/think about your triggers, insecurities, jealous issues and learn how to control them, keep them in perspective.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

CBT? what is that?

 

I think IC is important for anyone who is going through something like this..

[Owl]

One of the big things I've tried to stress to people is that an affair is a tremendous "eye opener" for BS's. It's also a very traumatic event. IT'S DEVESTATING.

 

I'm ex-military, combat vet. I've had to deal with PTSD twice in my life...the second time as a result of my wife's EA. It was THAT devestating to me.

 

And here's part of the deal...it's an eye opener in that you come to that horrific realization that there's nothing mystical that prevents this from happening to YOU. Your marriage isn't 'special'...there's nothing unique about it that makes it immune to something like this happening.

 

And that realization has nothing to do with the wayward spouse, really.

 

Even if you divorce, and start a new relationship...you carry that new awareness with you into that relationship. You know that you run that same risk of devestation there as well.

 

My suggestion to you would be to do both IC with someone who understands the emotional trauma you're dealing with, and also start MC with the person that you're contemplating being with. Learn how to "affair proof" your new relationship as best as you can, without feeding your fears and insecurities. Learn how to setup a good foundation that makes it hard for an affair to take place, and implement that into your new relationship going forward.

 

Just my thoughts.

[how2forgive&2forget]

Yes, when I started reading about CBT I felt a relief because I think there's finally a way out of my misery lol! I got a sense of hope.

 

Blueeyedjonesy, I haven't read much yet but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a proactive way to change your negative thinking, stopping thoughts that are harmful to yourself. I think the belief is your internal

thoughts can cause external events to happen.... will be reading some

more about this.

 

Owl, that was my downfall, I thought my relationship with my ex was superior and unlikely to break apart. It was such a shock to find out he was cheating. I am very distrustful now of people and it is harming my relationships with anybody, not just romantic ones.

I think it's a good idea to have MC with my current potential bf. He's been pursuing me for 8 months, and knows what happened between me and my ex. He wants to make it official but I'm not ready....he's seeing other people as well but waiting for me to commit fully. Because of what I've been through it's going to be tough without counselling for two of us. He doubts my ability to love anybody but my ex.

[how2forgive&2forget]

Been biking, I am easily wornout and would stop after 20 mins. Very unlike me. But I'll keep doing it, I enjoy being out in the sun.

 

Went to a shrink, spent money I don't have, and was diagnosed with ADD, depression and SAD. Lol! So now I'm on meds. Hope it helps.

 

I am feeling sort of angry again at the ex and his OW. She was not pretty to me but according to him she was this gorgeous goddess of a woman. I've seen pics of her and she is plain. In person she's probably better looking. Idk but as the time goes she is becoming this Roslyn Sanchez lookalike to me and I hate obsessing on this girl who doesn't even think of me, not for one bit. Ah insecurity I hate you.

 

So right now I'm feeling loads of anger and feeling spiteful...want to email him pics of Roslyn Sanchez now just to make him remember.

 

Hope these meds work Jesus Buddha Hare Krishna I hate spending thoughts on these useless people, no matter how they look like, it doesn't affect me so I should quit obsessing.

[how2forgive&2forget]

Aaah it's such a gorgeous day! Going to bike first, then file my taxes lol!

 

 

I just took my first dose of meds and what a difference! It's such a beautiful world. I'm not looking back anymore. I'm not feeling devastated anymore.... of course there is some sadness but I'm letting go. Hopefully the meds will help me not to backslide again and again.

 

I have fully accepted the fact that it's over....and that I love my ex but this love shouldn't bring me down anymore. There's nothing I can do about it. I did not follow my NC rule but I will begin to fade from his life.

 

I'm just so excited! It's a beginning...a new life!

[White Flower]

It has been a year since my ex started and affair with OW. We got back together several times but it could never work out because of my bitterness and his inability to deal with my intense jealousy.

 

I left him because I thought he was the reason why I'm always in pain but now I realize I held on to all negativity. I am trying to see a new man and I have intense jealousies to people he's seeing as well although we are not in a committed relationship.

 

I can't do this to myself any longer, I need to be free from negative thoughts and be able to process my hurt in a healthy manner. I want to trust people again and not freak out.

 

I am thinking of going for IC and hopefully get CBT because I think that will work for me. Is there something else that can help me? I'm dying to become a happy person again! Or at least, a higher EQ level.

What is CBT?

 

Yes, go for IC and MC, if he still wants to reconcile. You NEED to learn how to trust again, even if it isn't with him. There is a book called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring which might help you.

 

Good luck.

[how2forgive&2forget]

What is CBT?

 

Yes, go for IC and MC, if he still wants to reconcile. You NEED to learn how to trust again, even if it isn't with him. There is a book called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring which might help you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will try to find it in the mIRC world (I'm cheap).

 

As far as IC, I still have to find a free or sliding-scale mentalcare in my area. I did see a psychiatrist and he prescribed me meds. Seems to work great!

 

No MC between me and the ex - no. We are not reconciling and if we were he's not a believer in counselling.

 

Between me and the guy I'm seeing, yes. If he's serious about us anyways. Too early to tell.

 

CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. Still have to read on this.

 

I'm obsessing again about the OW and I found pictures of her online. She is very cute and has a great body, I see now why my ex fell so in love. I'm considering sending the pics to the ex just to piss him off...but that's just a thought. *sigh* I can't believe myself these days what a difference cheating makes to a person!

[eddie_d_2000]

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will try to find it in the mIRC world (I'm cheap).

 

As far as IC, I still have to find a free or sliding-scale mentalcare in my area. I did see a psychiatrist and he prescribed me meds. Seems to work great!

 

No MC between me and the ex - no. We are not reconciling and if we were he's not a believer in counselling.

 

Between me and the guy I'm seeing, yes. If he's serious about us anyways. Too early to tell.

 

CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. Still have to read on this.

 

I'm obsessing again about the OW and I found pictures of her online. She is very cute and has a great body, I see now why my ex fell so in love. I'm considering sending the pics to the ex just to piss him off...but that's just a thought. *sigh* I can't believe myself these days what a difference cheating makes to a person!

 

I fully understand what you are going through, I can't seem to get that trust back either and I really don't want to get on meds either. I don't trust many people anymore, its a real shame what an A can do to a person's perception of their world. Just hang in there is all I can say, hopefully things will get better for you!!

[how2forgive&2forget]

Thanks Eddie. Whatever help i can get I will willingly take.

[how2forgive&2forget]

feeling down today. didn't take my meds because it gave me a migraine...will resume tomorrow.

 

i'm sooo scared about my new guy...although he has waited three months to be with me...and only wants me (he says)...I can't believe him and I die of jealousy whenever I imagine him with another girl.

 

and this makes me wanna run back to my ex for comfort. ironic because my ex compounded my jealousy problem in the first place.

 

ugh. i need my sanity back.

[how2forgive&2forget]

I have NC with my ex for more than 2 weeks and I'm starting to feel less confused about everything. I need about 3 months of NC more to feel stable and stronger. Thank God I'm able to do it, although it's hard at times.

 

Feeling good today.