Do I really love him or not?

[piecesofme]

I've been asking myself this question since forever.

 

We got married 7 years ago and I've always wonder if I ever truly loved him.

 

I was 21 and pregnant and not wanting to do anything that would upset my family any more than they already were. Other people's opinion is huge with them and I totally hate that we have to take that into consideration before making any big decisions and my husband has also fallen into the trap of "what will people think".

 

I totally hate that attitude and I hate myself for going along with it for so long.

 

I feel like I've lost myself. I've been pretending everything is OK for so long that I think I've almost forgotten how to be real anymore. At least at home, and I think that my husband is going through something similar though of course neither of us talks about it.

 

A few years back I let the confusion take the best of me and ended up doing things that I'm not proud of. I felt terrible and I felt that in order to move one properly I had to tell my husband everything and hopefully work things out together.

 

He forgave me and for the next couple of months things seemed to be going better than ever. I got pregnant for the second time and we were talking about things and I for a brief moment I actually thought that I was beginning to love him the way he loved me. But it didn't last long and before I knew what was happening we fell back into the old habit of not telling each other anything meaningful.

 

All our conversations were about his job, money, the children, back to his job and back to money. I think that 95% of the conversations we have (which is mostly him doing all the talking) revolve around his job and money. Sometimes I feel that I know more about his job than I do about mine and its insane. This I have told hime before. That its ok to talk about work but to please not do it all the time. Apparently he took my advice and now we talk about his job, money and his weight. Has he lost enough weight yet? Is he still too fat? Do I think that shirt is too tight for him? Do I think he needs to lose more weight to be healthy? Which is fine I guess that he is finally taking better care of himself, but the problem is I think he blames me for not eating right in the first place.

 

I guess he is partly right in the sense that I don't usually prepare him a lunch bag or do any cooking at all, at least not as I used to when we got married.

 

Just the other day he was complaining that when I wasn't working (about three years ago) I never got up to fix him breakfast or a lunch bag or anything. That he always had to take care of himself and a bunch of other stuff from ages ago. He said that it hurt him that I rather do something for people he barely knows before doing anything for him. He was referring to a time when we had to bring some food to work to share with everybody and my team had to bring fried beans and I was so tire that when he asked me to prepare some for him too I did a face. He got mad and I ended up frying more beans for him but the damage was done. I reminded him in our conversation a few days ago, that it wasn't like I woke up that day and decided to fry beans for my coworkers just because I'm such a thoughtful person. So it hit me how jealous he really is and how obvious it is that he has not forgiven me one bit. I get it that trust is not something you can earn back in a day, but to get jealous for some beans is rather stupid and it shows how much he is hurting too.

 

Also on that conversation we had a couple of days ago, he told me that he couldn't take it anymore and that he had thought about taking his stuff and leave. He said he sometimes felt like I didn't love him and a bunch of other stuff. I just told him that we needed to start talking more and maybe go to some counseling might help and he agreed.

 

But the next day he started acting as if the conversation we had the night before didn't happen. I didn't know what to do so I pretended too.

 

I know we need to talk about a lot of stuff but mainly because no matter how hard I try to force myself and I don't really love him. I feel I should be on my own for a while but I have no clue on how to tell him what I'm feeling. How will I know when is the right time to touch this issues and it scares me the reaction he might have because I don't want to lose my children.

 

Any advice, comment or anything?

Edited April 6, 2010 by piecesofme
grammar and spelling

[You Go Girl]

Ok. I understand how you are feeling. BUT! No just walking away from a marriage with children. You do that marriage, and those kids justice, by going to marriage counseling and get to the heart of your issues, because the two of you obviously never talk about anything meaningful.

You don't just leave a marriage. Be responsible, and earn your way to either a better marriage, or out of your marriage. Point being--YOU must EARN it, either walking, or improving things.

The logical thing to do for those kids, for each other, for yourself--is to try to earn yourself a better marriage before even considering walking away from the family you have created.

You walk without giving it your all, either one of you, and you'll both have been cheated, and have cheated those kids tremendously, because there is NO substitution for an intact family.

No easy way here. No easy way out, no easy way to stay married. Marriages take work. Not work like chopping wood, psychology work, giving work, compassion and consideration work.

You take the easy way out, and everybody will suffer from the complacency of thinking life, love, and marriage, are simply not worth the effort.

You have a lot of work to do. As Gunny would say, put on your big girl britches and get to work on yourself, your marriage, and your family. Get to the heart of what makes each other happy. Then see if you can be happy together.

Sorry Virginia, there's no santa claus, and the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence if you don't give life, love, marriage and family your all before bailing.

Future relationships should you bail without doing the work will be disasters too.

I know I sound harsh. Hey, I just want to help you find happiness with what is probably a beautiful family before you make a horrible mistake and believe that love will be easier with somebody else. It probably won't be.

Unless he's abusive, a betrayer, or some awful behavior that he refuses to address, you have a good man already. You might not even realize just how good of a man you have. But you could leave him, end up with an abuser, an alcoholic or a druggie or a cheater, and then you'll realize that you should have tried before bailing on your marriage.

I'd prefer to do my little bit to save your from such self-destruction, and destruction of a family.

I'd prefer not to hear that you two split for what appears to be no good reason, only to find you far more unhappy in 5 years.

I'd prefer not to have to foresee the tears of children that will have issues for the rest of their lives from the trauma of divorce, and believe me, all children of divorce have issues.

Take a harder look at that man and ask yourself--with a little harder work from both of us--can't we love each other?

[nobmagnet]

hello,

 

You married young and maybe not completely by choice but that is no reason not to work at the marriage.

 

You cheated and say you made a huge mistake (so you should) But he forgave you! Now i would suggest you get yourselves some councelling and soon. You are not going to like all you hear but you need to hear it. The chances of your husband completely getting over your affaire without having help from a councellour is vertually nil. He needs help with what you did.

 

You say you dont cook or make his pack up for work, well i suppose if you both work full time you should take it in turns not just stop. You give the impression you have just given up by your actions. How must he feel about that? Frustrated? confused?

 

The grass is not greener for sure and your children deserve you and your husband to at least try. If indeed councelling doesnt work out it should enable you both to have a working relationship when /if you split.

 

I understand that you couldnt condence 7 years in a short thread on here so keep posting with other more in depth explanations because in all honesty it sounds very meme and he doesnt sound like a bad man at all.

 

 

Nobby x

[mimidarlin]

Hmmm....the lunch making thing. I think it is just an example or metaphor for the fact that he thinks you just don't care. What do you do for him that shows you care? (I'm not judging...just asking.) My mom stayed at home and my dad worked long hard days with an early start. My mom got up and made him breakfast, thermos of coffee and packed lunch. Now this is really old school. However, when I cook a meal or used to cook a meal for my husband it meant something. Especially if I made some of his favorites. Cooking for people is one of the ways I express affection. Perhaps your husband grew up in a household with a mom who cooked a lot. Maybe he thinks this is an expression of love. You don't have to cook to express affection but you obviously need to work on your relationship.

 

You guys sound like you could use a weekend couple retreat. Reconnect...if you were ever connected. There is the family to consider but what about the connection as a couple. From your description you are both in pain and not reaching out. Not knowing how to reach out.

 

I wish you the best.