Putting a brave face on but every day is hell!

[hopeless4u]

I really want to get xMM out of my head and my heart but this last week or so have just been awful again.

At first I put it down to hormones but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of being alone, my friends have been fantastic and when I'm with them I feel better but mostly it's a brave face and my mind is constantly thinking about him.

 

At one point it seemed that when my mind drifted to him I could push the thoughts away for a while but it's like I'm exausted of trying.

 

I know it's not that he's back with his W that is holding me back as that was always going to happen. He always told me he would never leave her for me, if he ever left her it would be because they could not work things out, I also know it's not because we are in NC because before his W OD'd it was me who initiated the NC and I was ok, hurting but nothing like this...

 

I just don't get it, I've never hurt like this, I feel useless.

 

It's taking every ounce of energy out of me to just put that brave face on.

 

I've stayed busy, my house is spotless!! Everytime I feel myself sinking into that 'place' I do my best to surround myself with friends, clean or just keep finding things to do but it's just not getting any better.

 

I was asked at work today how things were and the tears just came again, I managed to hold them back but it was obvious as my friend just smiled and said 'it will get better' my question is 'when'????

 

I really don't want to dwell on him and I truly want to move on as he has but I'm so out of my comfort zone I really don't know what to do....

[Fallen Angel]

I wish I had a magic wand and could make it instantly better for you, but I do not.. All I can do is remind you that you are an amazing soul and you deserve better than someone who is unable to see you for your full worth.

 

Keep being honest with yourself and your friends about how you are feeling. You will have bad days, and it is okay to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for awhile, as long as you do not allow yourself to do it all of the time.

 

I recently had a conversation with my neice who is having "boy troubles" as she got herself involved with a boy who goes in an out of jail. UGH!!

 

I told her that when she gets tired of standing in a puddle of sh*t and smelling sh*t, she will crawl out of the sh*t, wash herself off and truly move on. Until then she will just stand in the puddle of sh*t, and smell sh*t and be angry that no one will spray perfume around her.

 

My point is, that only you can fix what is broken inside. Other people can offer you soap and water and perfume, but you have to pick up the scrub brush and start scrubbing.

 

Have you been going to IC?

 

Have you been open to meeting new people?

 

Have you made changes to your routine that will keep you busy during your "trigger" times?

 

You CAN do this. When you stand up and claim your value, you WILL do this.

 

I know it sounds silly, but you have to change your mindset. A good friend of mine once made me say aloud "I am a valuable person of great worth." I struggled horribly to say that, because at the time I did not believe it. he made me promise to say it to myself while looking in the mirrior every day twice a day.

 

It was horrible, and hard, and the first few days i could not look myself in the eyes when I said it, but amazing things started happening when I did. i started to believe it. I changed my core beliefs about myself.

 

You, too, are a valuable person of great worth, now you just need to learn to believe it. (((hugs)))

[ladydesigner]

(((hopeless4u))) Putting on a brave face is hell, but we don't really have any other options. We have to move forward. There will come a day when it doesn't hurt so much. I still get pangs of pain when I am missing my XAP, but they are not nearly as painful as they were 1 year ago. Eventually I will no longer feel any pain. i hope to just have fond memories and they will be just that...memories.

 

Keep going forward, grieve and give yourself time. You are doing great. You need to feel the pain to get rid of it. I know in my early stages I would try anyway to avoid it, but when I felt the pain and got it out of my system it seemed to lessen more and more.

 

Hang in there life will start to get easier for you and you WILL get over him.

[hopeless4u]

I wish I had a magic wand and could make it instantly better for you, but I do not.. All I can do is remind you that you are an amazing soul and you deserve better than someone who is unable to see you for your full worth.

 

Keep being honest with yourself and your friends about how you are feeling. You will have bad days, and it is okay to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for awhile, as long as you do not allow yourself to do it all of the time.

 

I recently had a conversation with my neice who is having "boy troubles" as she got herself involved with a boy who goes in an out of jail. UGH!!

 

I told her that when she gets tired of standing in a puddle of sh*t and smelling sh*t, she will crawl out of the sh*t, wash herself off and truly move on. Until then she will just stand in the puddle of sh*t, and smell sh*t and be angry that no one will spray perfume around her.

 

My point is, that only you can fix what is broken inside. Other people can offer you soap and water and perfume, but you have to pick up the scrub brush and start scrubbing.

 

Have you been going to IC?

 

Have you been open to meeting new people?

 

Have you made changes to your routine that will keep you busy during your "trigger" times?

 

You CAN do this. When you stand up and claim your value, you WILL do this.

 

I know it sounds silly, but you have to change your mindset. A good friend of mine once made me say aloud "I am a valuable person of great worth." I struggled horribly to say that, because at the time I did not believe it. he made me promise to say it to myself while looking in the mirrior every day twice a day.

 

It was horrible, and hard, and the first few days i could not look myself in the eyes when I said it, but amazing things started happening when I did. i started to believe it. I changed my core beliefs about myself.

 

You, too, are a valuable person of great worth, now you just need to learn to believe it. (((hugs)))

Thanks FA, yep I soo want out of this puddle of sh*t!!

 

I guess I just feel exausted from it all...

 

Your post has really given me some things to think about and hopefully I'll come out of this a better person. I'm just so tired of it all.

[norajane]

You were a whole human being before this loser came into your life, and you will be again once you recover from the heartbreak. Tons of people have heartbreak and lots of it - Loveshack is full of heartbroken people - and they do come out the other side and thrive.

 

Try something new you've never done before but always wanted to. This is the time to take scuba diving lessons, or take that vacation you've been dreaming of. Get out of your house, no matter how clean it is - do something else.

 

You will recover, so look forward to it and commit to it and believe it.

[hopeless4u]

(((hopeless4u))) Putting on a brave face is hell, but we don't really have any other options. We have to move forward. There will come a day when it doesn't hurt so much. I still get pangs of pain when I am missing my XAP, but they are not nearly as painful as they were 1 year ago. Eventually I will no longer feel any pain. i hope to just have fond memories and they will be just that...memories.

 

Keep going forward, grieve and give yourself time. You are doing great. You need to feel the pain to get rid of it. I know in my early stages I would try anyway to avoid it, but when I felt the pain and got it out of my system it seemed to lessen more and more.

 

Hang in there life will start to get easier for you and you WILL get over him.

Thanks LD, I have accepted that the pain needs to come out and it feels like it's killing my soul, sucking the very life out of me.

 

Some days (the good days) I really feel like I'm getting there, just the odd trigger that brings a tear but I think it's the lonelyness that's killing me.

 

I've been hit on and have no problem finding a man but it's the sharing the things I know he'd laugh about that I miss.

[hopeless4u]

FA- this is AWESOME! If I wouldn't get into trouble, I'd make it my signature line!

 

H4U- I agree with all FA has said. All I can add is that you need to look at what it is about the xMM that keeps him on your mind. Was it the attention? Was it the sex? Was it the constant sweet texts? These are all things you can get with someone else. Someone else that will love you and only you.

Hey J, I miss the way he made me feel when he laughed at me for doing something dumb, I miss not being able to tell him about the things that are happening with my son at uni(they got on well and he was so good with advice)

I miss the person I was when I was around him, he bought out the best in me, even my friends have said that.

 

I guess I miss all the little things, the things that made him special...sobbing as I'm typing this just thinking of those little things.

[norajane]

Hey J, I miss the way he made me feel when he laughed at me for doing something dumb, I miss not being able to tell him about the things that are happening with my son at uni(they got on well and he was so good with advice)

I miss the person I was when I was around him, he bought out the best in me, even my friends have said that.

 

I guess I miss all the little things, the things that made him special...sobbing as I'm typing this just thinking of those little things.

 

I realized some time ago that when we fall in love, we fall in love with how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone. It's really not so much him - that person is still inside you. You will find her again once the pain has eased.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks LD, I have accepted that the pain needs to come out and it feels like it's killing my soul, sucking the very life out of me.

 

Some days (the good days) I really feel like I'm getting there, just the odd trigger that brings a tear but I think it's the lonelyness that's killing me.

 

I've been hit on and have no problem finding a man but it's the sharing the things I know he'd laugh about that I miss.

 

I still have trigger days myself. Usually it's a song or I'll hear someone say his name. Almost immediately as the trigger hits I try to switch my thinking to something else, so far it has been working. As each day goes by I think of him less. What is strange is some days it feels like it never happened.

 

There is a great man out there that you may have stronger feelings for than you had for your MM. Someone who you will share things with again and hopefully laugh even more. He is out there. I believe we can fall in love many times throughout life. I hope your new man (when you find him) gives you more than you would have ever expected. You deserve it.

 

Right now pamper yourself, enjoy your friends, and your freedom.

[hopeless4u]

You were a whole human being before this loser came into your life, and you will be again once you recover from the heartbreak. Tons of people have heartbreak and lots of it - Loveshack is full of heartbroken people - and they do come out the other side and thrive.

 

Try something new you've never done before but always wanted to. This is the time to take scuba diving lessons, or take that vacation you've been dreaming of. Get out of your house, no matter how clean it is - do something else.

 

You will recover, so look forward to it and commit to it and believe it.

I am in the process N, I'm off to Vegas with my 2 best friends in 5 weeks and I'm hoping that will be the breaking of this hell and the making of ME!!

 

I have and will do everything I can to find myself again and the person I was before I met him, the problem is I liked the person I was once I'd met him so I guess that's part of the problem...

[silktricks]

I have and will do everything I can to find myself again and the person I was before I met him, the problem is I liked the person I was once I'd met him so I guess that's part of the problem...

 

You are still that person. He didn't make you, nor did leaving him un-make you. You are and always will be the person you like. You simply need to complete your grieving process so you can feel her again. ((((hugs))))

[Just a stone's throw]

I am in the process N, I'm off to Vegas with my 2 best friends in 5 weeks and I'm hoping that will be the breaking of this hell and the making of ME!!

 

I have and will do everything I can to find myself again and the person I was before I met him, the problem is I liked the person I was once I'd met him so I guess that's part of the problem...

 

 

Hopefully you will wake up in a really cool hotel room with Mike Tyson's tiger in your bathroom... Nothing says "takin' on Vegas like a Tiger in your bathroom! I have no other words of advice H4U, just wanted to make you smile! Hugs!!

[hopeless4u]

I still have trigger days myself. Usually it's a song or I'll hear someone say his name. Almost immediately as the trigger hits I try to switch my thinking to something else, so far it has been working. As each day goes by I think of him less. What is strange is some days it feels like it never happened.

 

There is a great man out there that you may have stronger feelings for than you had for your MM. Someone who you will share things with again and hopefully laugh even more. He is out there. I believe we can fall in love many times throughout life. I hope your new man (when you find him) gives you more than you would have ever expected. You deserve it.

 

Right now pamper yourself, enjoy your friends, and your freedom.

I think part of it is that he reminds me of what my xH would of been like, we D 10yrs ago because he played around and I couldn't forgive him but we've stayed best friends and still love eachother deaply but as friends now and I guess I never thought I'd find those feelings again and now I feel they've been ripped from me again...

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm being punished for not forgiving my xH and being made to feel how he felt as he did, has and always will love the bones of me...

[Spark1111]

I think part of it is that he reminds me of what my xH would of been like, we D 10yrs ago because he played around and I couldn't forgive him but we've stayed best friends and still love eachother deaply but as friends now and I guess I never thought I'd find those feelings again and now I feel they've been ripped from me again...

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm being punished for not forgiving my xH and being made to feel how he felt as he did, has and always will love the bones of me...

 

I don't believe in punishment by the universe. I think we are here to learn lessons, some of them very painful.

 

It sounds like you miss the friendship most of all, and affairs can be intense in the amount of communication it seems needed to sustain them.

 

But the bottom line is, were he available and back tomorrow, could you trust him or his friendship ever again?

 

And without being able to trust that someone will NEVER intentionally hurt you again, I think it is impossible to sustain any long term relationship.

 

In time, surrounded by the right friends and activities, you will learn to trust yourself again....and you will wake up one day and just know you are back, back the way you use to be with all your strengths and talents.

 

Be patient with yourself.

[hopeless4u]

You are still that person. He didn't make you, nor did leaving him un-make you. You are and always will be the person you like. You simply need to complete your grieving process so you can feel her again. ((((hugs))))

I do believe this ST but at times I just find it hard to be that person, my head tells me that I'm better than that but the tears and the pain in my heart keeps dragging me back!

 

Guess that's what LS is for, right??

[hopeless4u]

I really want to get xMM out of my head and my heart but this last week or so have just been awful again.

At first I put it down to hormones but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of being alone, my friends have been fantastic and when I'm with them I feel better but mostly it's a brave face and my mind is constantly thinking about him.

 

At one point it seemed that when my mind drifted to him I could push the thoughts away for a while but it's like I'm exausted of trying.

 

I know it's not that he's back with his W that is holding me back as that was always going to happen. He always told me he would never leave her for me, if he ever left her it would be because they could not work things out, I also know it's not because we are in NC because before his W OD'd it was me who initiated the NC and I was ok, hurting but nothing like this...

 

I just don't get it, I've never hurt like this, I feel useless.

 

It's taking every ounce of energy out of me to just put that brave face on.

 

I've stayed busy, my house is spotless!! Everytime I feel myself sinking into that 'place' I do my best to surround myself with friends, clean or just keep finding things to do but it's just not getting any better.

 

I was asked at work today how things were and the tears just came again, I managed to hold them back but it was obvious as my friend just smiled and said 'it will get better' my question is 'when'????

 

I really don't want to dwell on him and I truly want to move on as he has but I'm so out of my comfort zone I really don't know what to do....

If I'm honest and I'm not proud of this but my day consists of getting up, thinking of him, having a shower, going to work with songs on my iPod that remind me of him, spending all day wondering if he will walk through the door and then spending all night wondering if my phone will ring????

 

To handle this I put that wall up, open a bottle of wine and hope to god it will help me sleep.... Worried I may be loosing it!

[ladydesigner]

If I'm honest and I'm not proud of this but my day consists of getting up, thinking of him, having a shower, going to work with songs on my iPod that remind me of him, spending all day wondering if he will walk through the door and then spending all night wondering if my phone will ring????

 

To handle this I put that wall up, open a bottle of wine and hope to god it will help me sleep.... Worried I may be loosing it!

 

I am still there too some days and it makes me nuts. There is still not one day that goes by that I do not think of him. It sucks. But my thoughts tend to just be "how is he doing?" "does he still think about me?" and this is almost 2 years out of the A and 8 months NC. I am hoping one day I will not think of him anymore. I do not have a lot of pain associated with the thoughts, but still think of him.

 

I also drink wine to help me through. It masks the pain and is probably not good for the health, but I do it anyways.

 

I often think it would be easier for the single woman to forget because as soon as you meet someone new and better you forget, but maybe this isn't the case.

 

I am a MOW so I have my marriage that I have been working hard on, but it is not new and every big problem that arises most certainly brings my thoughts back to my XAP.

[Hazyhead]

Gosh, H4U! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I just wish I could take it all away for you. Honey, I do think you could do to stop thinking about how things are going with him and his wife, I know that's incredibly hard but it's keeping you back there in the mess with them, whether they know it or not. For what it's worth you are doing well to keep distracting yourself. When you are sitting in of an evening and the sadness comes to you is your son old enough to leave at home so that you can go round and visit a friend, maybe take the wine with you? The company will help you to wallow less.

 

Keep posting and PM people if it helps. You'll get there.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[ladydesigner]

Hope you are doing well today Hopeless4u. I sent you a message. I can't tell if it went through or not.

 

I want to post this quote again for anyone that it may help as it has helped me as far as grieving goes...

 

"I've found that it tends to go up and down for people. Like waves. You'll be okay for a while, then another wave will hit and drag you down, and then eventually you will get up again and be okay for a while, and then the next wave will hit... some things hurt so much that we can only process them in pieces. So you get one piece at a time. It's okay, though, it's all forward movement, even if it doesn't feel like it.

 

"Eventually, each wave gets smaller and smaller and knocks you down less and less until one day, the water is all calm."

[EyesOpened]

I realized some time ago that when we fall in love, we fall in love with how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone. It's really not so much him - that person is still inside you. You will find her again once the pain has eased.

 

norajane - amazing quote "We fall in love with how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone" I think that hits the nail right on the head.

[EyesOpened]

Hope you are doing well today Hopeless4u. I sent you a message. I can't tell if it went through or not.

 

I want to post this quote again for anyone that it may help as it has helped me as far as grieving goes...

 

"I've found that it tends to go up and down for people. Like waves. You'll be okay for a while, then another wave will hit and drag you down, and then eventually you will get up again and be okay for a while, and then the next wave will hit... some things hurt so much that we can only process them in pieces. So you get one piece at a time. It's okay, though, it's all forward movement, even if it doesn't feel like it.

 

"Eventually, each wave gets smaller and smaller and knocks you down less and less until one day, the water is all calm."

 

Excellent analogy! I really like this. It captures where I am very well. just dealing with the little waves...hoping calm comes soon!

[dannie19]

I read Paul McKenna's I Can Mend your Broken Heart. It talks about the healing process coming in little waves as posted above, your subconscious mind is looking after you, just giving you a bit to deal with at one time, then a breather and then a bit more but never giving you more than you can deal with. So although it feels awful you are getting better, bit by bit, wave by wave. I don't know if this helps you but understanding what's happening is really helping me. Actually this book also helps with destructive thought patterns, with lots of practical exercises you can do to control those destructive thoughts you seem to be having all day. Even has them on a cd, so you could load that on to your ipod rather than songs which remind you of him! Not working for Paul Mckenna (!) you just seem to be stuck in a cycle and reading you are hoping a bottle of wine will help you sets off an alarm bell, don't give him that control over your behaviour!

[secretlifeofjane28]

How many days has it been since you ended your A? Sorry if you posted that and I have missed it. I am day 70 NC today. I still have a long way to go and I still have ups and downs, but I have put many self protection strategies into place and that helps. You have to "fake it till you make it." And that it ok. STOP listening to songs on your ipod that remind you of him... stop doing anything that reminds you of him if you can help it... self protect, self protect, self protect... and then get to work on YOU, because right now, that is what is most important... This will hurt, but if you really are tired of standing in sh*t, you will put the effort forth in self reflection and reap the benefits of becoming a stronger woman as a result.

 

Hugs,