Pentel Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 we know our relationships were far from perfect, we know that in order to save our old relationship or our new one, we need to realize what we did, what our partner did that grinded our gears... what makes you mad and how you react?
Timmm Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 One thing that completely pissed me off after me and my ex gf relationship was that she got into another relationship not even 1 month after our 10 month relationship ended. She also said when we broke up that she wouldnt be getting into any relationships for a long while. And she didnt even bother telling me she got a new bf i heard that she did from my best friend. And i did nothing about it and dont plan on doing anything about it. It would be very stupid if i confronted her about it. Plus i would end up embarassing myself.
monkeymaid Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 she harped on me to do stuff on her time and in her way. ...i entertained the bitching by arguing back in defense. ...i refuse to give into the bs again. i will listen to her, and supprt her emotions, but will not be dragged into being responsible for her emotions ever again! ...i will stand my ground and take care of myself before i take care of her. ...i will let her fall flat on her perfectly shaped ass if she so chooses to do ****. ...i will not protect her from herself ...i will use my time the way i see fit, and include her, but not make it about her ....i need my space. i will take it when i need it. ...there is more! this is a good train of thought youve brought up here!!! i will think more on this.
USMCHokie Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 One thing that completely pissed me off after me and my ex gf relationship was that she got into another relationship not even 1 month after our 10 month relationship ended. She also said when we broke up that she wouldnt be getting into any relationships for a long while. I've learned now that every time an ex says they are "not planning to date for awhile" or in my case "need to be single for awhile so that I can work on myself" is COMPLETE BS! +1. She gave me the old "I don't want to date for a long time" line too...within a month or so, she started dating this new guy...as much as I wanted to believe her reasons for leaving were sincere, this one act of bullsh*t made me doubt everything she had said when we broke up...and even worse, it made me doubt her feelings toward me the entire time...so to this day, I don't know the real reason why we broke up, or even if she had real feelings for me at all during the relationship... Oh well, such is life...
monkeymaid Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 i have to wonder. ...what does what he/she does after the breakup reflect in any way what happened in the relationship?? from what i gather, alot of this is breakup angst. ...dont get me wrong, i am very guilty of it as well, but we can not control the other person just our reactions to them right? ...so as hard as it is and as mad as it is, when we broke up0, they were no longer our concern ...unless they want us back. then the extraneous relationship 6 hours after the breakup up is just retarded. but that being said, what about what happened in the relationship?? what pissed you all off then? how do you see yourself growing from the actual functional part of the relationship and the short comings therein??
skydiveaddict Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 what makes mad and bitter to this day: I was never given a reason, she just left
twhisperer Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I was given a reason, he wasn't looking ahead with me. That crushed me, for close to two years.
Perhaps Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 she harped on me to do stuff on her time and in her way. ...i entertained the bitching by arguing back in defense. ...i refuse to give into the bs again. i will listen to her, and supprt her emotions, but will not be dragged into being responsible for her emotions ever again! ...i will stand my ground and take care of myself before i take care of her. ...i will let her fall flat on her perfectly shaped ass if she so chooses to do ****. ...i will not protect her from herself ...i will use my time the way i see fit, and include her, but not make it about her ....i need my space. i will take it when i need it. ...there is more! this is a good train of thought youve brought up here!!! i will think more on this. stole the words outta my mouth; you sure we're not twins separated at birth?
annxxdisaster Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 There are a few habits that I have, and I hate that I have them. Not just because they may have been a factor in my breakups, but because I've began to notice how they skew my views and relationships I have with everyone. AHEM. 1) I have a hard time letting people cool off during an argument or cooling off myself, despite the fact I know I feel better when I step back and give myself and the other person room to breathe so whatever the problem was can be discussed better. 2) I take everything too personally, not everything...but I could interpret 'I don't feel like going out tonight' for 'Wow, I really don't like spending time with you, can't you take a hint?' on days I feel really lousy. My mom usually covered up her cutting remarks, so they didn't seem like direct insults but there was always a double meaning to whatever she said. Most people don't take the time to do this, and it's been hard for me to see. 3) I can freak out if something is canceled on me last minute, after the damage has been done and I've calmed down... I feel awful for what I did, because I know if this person wasn't my boyfriend I wouldn't have reacted in such a selfish way. (A combo of problems 1 & 2) I again, take it so personally that I assume that whatever happened (granted, I've never had anyone say their mom was sick or someone was dying. I wouldn't assume that was a lie...unless the guy was a known liar but anyway..) is just a lame excuse not to spend time with me and they're too chicken to tell me that they plain don't want to. 4) When I feel someone is pulling away from me, I tend to cling. I figure that's a fairly common reaction but I want to nix that. I know deep down I am okay with or without that lover and I want to act and live my life more as a girl who believes that to be a fact. 5) This isn't something I do to the other person in the relationship, but I do think it affects how I act in it. I normally don't tell people about all the cute or great things my significant other does for me. When I was chronically single, I tried to enjoy my friend's or family member's happiness but it made me feel really cruddy sometimes to hear them gush about something that I didn't have. I try not to do that, so I downplay how happy they make me and all the cute things they do and normally if I speak about them it's when I need to vent or talk about a problem with them. I think all this focusing on the negative side of things with others causes me to be more negative towards the relationship...and that's not fair at all. ....WELL. I sure do sound like a very eligible bachelorette after all of that don't I? Man, now I'm starting to wonder why these poor saps even started dating me sheesh. A lot of my issues stem from unhealthy patterns and behaviors that I had with my mother. Luckily, I'm just about to be 21 and I've realized this so hopefully I can nip these bad habits in the butt and have successful relationships from now on.
Ilovecake Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 What made me the maddest and the one thing I still have a hard time getting over is that I fell for all his BS. He was living a double life and gaslighting me the entire 4 years. I had a gut feeling he was just trying to make me question my sanity so that he could do whatever he wanted yet I stayed. I consider myself a staunch feminist and the guy very obviously had a very deep seeded hatred for women, he cringed whenever a woman spoke or laughed yet I stayed because I thought he would grow up. I guess I'm more upset with myself for not being stronger but I completely put all that anger and hatred on him because to me he's just an object, a nonentity.
EmperorR Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Ah I remember those days before I realize Ned ever believe a word an ex says. My ex fiancé started dating a week after she dumped n cheated on me a whole week, after telling me I don't want to date anyone I need time alone to myself. Most times someone dumps you they already have their eye set on someone else
lisal0u Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I'm just basically waiting to hear that my ex of 14 years has shacked up with his work friend!! He told me they were just friends, have been for a year or so, and he wants to be alone and wont be seeing anyone for a long longtime! Funny that a week after we split up he drove 5 hours to see her and has seen her 7 out of 8 weekends we've been split up! He still swears they are just friends but I don't believe him! I don't know why he cant be honest, it'll come out sooner or later then I'll doubt everything he has ever told me! The least we all deserve is honesty!
mickleb Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 (edited) Yes, monkey: I'm right with you. Let's keep this to what happened during the relationship and what you have learned about your responses, purlease people! (You don't want to go repeating your mistakes in the future, now do you?) Before I contribute, I just wanted to say: annxxdisaster - you're 21 and you have all that insight about yourself??! I would say that makes you fine, long-term partnership material. Please don't think that admitting to your issues, being prepared to understand them and working to improve them makes you anything less. As for me? I partook in the classic behaviour of 'mistaking intensity for intimacy' (thank you for that neat little soundbite, GC.) My ex came on strong (like a seven sense!) with the charm and, after 5 years of celibacy and getting my sh*t together, I believed I must have earned it! I had earned it but, obviously, not the actions that should accompany such sentiments. He was a CP and he fled when he realised he couldn't back up a word of it. I now have a much better grip on my own, passive CP tendencies. So, I know that if someone is worthy of all I have to offer (and that's a fair bit, LSers !), they are worth me taking my time, working slowly but surely towards them and worth the effort it takes to expose all of my less-than-beautiful features, too. In return, I'll be happy to take a look at his ugly bits and help get them working for him, just fine! Nowadays, I'll take a man strong enough to be honest with me and tell it like it really is - over one who thinks they live in some loopy, la-la land, where the sun appears to be shining every waking second - any day. x Edited April 7, 2010 by mickleb Bleurgh.
annxxdisaster Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Yes, monkey: I'm right with you. Let's keep this to what happened during the relationship and what you have learned about your responses, purlease people! (You don't want to go repeating your mistakes in the future, now do you?) Before I contribute, I just wanted to say: annxxdisaster - you're 21 and you have all that insight about yourself??! I would say that makes you fine, long-term partnership material. Please don't think that admitting to your issues, being prepared to understand them and working to improve them makes you anything less. As for me? I partook in the classic behaviour of 'mistaking intensity for intimacy' (thank you for that neat little soundbite, GC.) My ex came on strong (like a seven sense!) with the charm and, after 5 years of celibacy and getting my sh*t together, I believed I must have earned it! I had earned it but, obviously, not the actions that should accompany such sentiments. He was a CP and he fled when he realised he couldn't back up a word of it. I now have a much better grip on my own, passive CP tendencies. So, I know that if someone is worthy of all I have to offer (and that's a fair bit, LSers !), they are worth me taking my time, working slowly but surely towards them and worth the effort it takes to expose all of my less-than-beautiful features, too. In return, I'll be happy to take a look at his ugly bits and help get them working for him, just fine! Nowadays, I'll take a man strong enough to be honest with me and tell it like it really is - over one who thinks they live in some loopy, la-la land, where the sun appears to be shining every waking second - any day. x Thank you, a lot for that. I've been falling into a trap of thinking I'm a really unfit girlfriend and was wondering how I managed to wrangle these suckers in. So..it helped me stop thinking that way. Thank you again.
mickleb Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I thought your post was excellent, axxd. I couldn't help myself. x
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