Does separation clear your head?

[Eurydice]

I suppose it is a very valid question to ask.

 

Does a temporary separation do much to help clarify what a person wants/needs, their position in a relationship, or in large part does it seem to be a precursor to divorce or carrying on?

[just_some_guy]

For me, it has helped to clear my head tremendously. Separating has allowed me to get in touch with myself, reduce the tension, eat better, exercise more, get some badly needed sleep and think things through. My W is not at all happy about it though.

 

Clarity may or may not lead to a reconciliation, for me or anyone else. It really depends on the issues at hand. But clarity is important.

 

I was pondering this point the other day. Healthy relationships don't always end with happily ever after. However, unhealthy relationships never end with happily ever after.

[tnttim]

If your spouse is getting in the way of your growth as an adult, then yes. I heard a chick explain this on grey's anatomy, (go ahead and laugh, but I contend I was eating dinner with W and we split TV show time between us)

 

She said "when we get married our spouse chips a little away from us each day, and we shave a little ourselves so we can fit together better. Then one day you wake up and look in the mirror and you can't even recognize yourself."

 

I myself has benefited greatly from my separation, and know deep in my mind that I would not be the better man I am today without it. Mine came at a price though, she cheated on me, and I will carry that scar on my heart forever. I am very different though, I grew very fast during separation, and the changes I made will be everlasting. I hate the old H I used to be, I hate everything about how I used to act, and I deserve what happened to me. But instead of using that as an excuse I use it as a spring board to launch me into a better way of living.

 

I also learned that when I change others change too. I have remained strong and unwavering through my separation, I had a few backslides but I dusted myself off and limped forward. As soon as my changes started to show to other people their response to me changed as well. The "I feel sorry for you" "How's things going" questions vanished and normal happy conversations replaced them. My cousin helped me through the separation and because he witnessed that change is strong and everlasting he too started to change things. Now perceptions of him from my family are starting to change towards the better.

 

So my point is, if separation leads you into becoming a better person than do it. Sometimes you have to be selfish to change yourself, I really don't think you can be unselfish and change.

[phineas]

She wanted seperation.

It allowed her to keep cheating.

 

But, seperation showed me I really didn't need her anymore & made it a lot easier to make it permanent & move towards divorce.

 

She was trying to use sex to keep me hooked but it backfired.

 

She would just stop by at night many times a week just for sex then leave.

 

I started disconecting emotionally.

[You Go Girl]

It depends on what one does with that time apart.

Many different scenarios can play out.

First, let's not forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. A separation that was a good idea might end too quickly because of that. Then old problems just resurface, give it a month, back to same old same old.

If you are really doing the work of bettering yourself and examining your relationship--then it will be a good thing, no matter what the outcome.

 

Others will act out--start affairs. Obviously they will accomplish nothing, because they're focusing on avoidance of the issues, blunting the pain with something new, and playing out a midlife crisis.

 

Sure, for many, the separation is the path to the divorce, just less painful done in stages.

Only the dynamics of the two of you will tell the fate of your separation. Each story is guarantteed different.

[mimidarlin]

I think the one benefit of separation is that it breaks up the routine that we're in. When we have a lot of angry or resentment and we live with the person it is difficult to not have confrontations. Being separated is tough. It does give us time to think without the thought of ...what should I fix for dinner...are we going out with our friends...should we watch tv. It lifts the burden of having to please the other so that you can try to understand what the problems are for you as a couple.

 

Of course...it is frequently a precursor to divorce. We separated and did counseling. Now we're divorcing. I think he's taking the easy way out but at least I know I tried to make it work. Counseling while separated helped us to communicate though we were angry.