LAUNDRY! ! Long-awaited first date fizzled…and I’m still bummed.

[Gala]

So a week after this less-than-great first date, I am still preoccupied and unhappy. It was with a former co-worker, with whom I’d had amazing chemistry for months. We really couldn’t act on it, but then I was laid off from the group. He made clear almost immediately that he was interested in some kind of connection, and offered me a very cool desk ornament of his that I’d admired in the past. Despite the negative aspects of losing a job, I recognized that at least this change possibly opened a door.

 

He has been working on a project at a site in another part of the state since the fall, but he has kept his apartment here – and tries to have a life on weekends. It also seems like he really crams his schedule, and doesn’t always plan well. When he contacted me, a week after I left the company, we had to plan a date three weeks out. He apologized profusely for this, and I was OK with it. I stay fairly busy myself, but I also understand my own need for down time – and have for the last 15 years or so.

 

I am 44, he’s 35. There are plenty of things to say about this age difference, and I’ve certainly spent plenty of time in the last year second-guessing the attraction…and yet it’s been there, and had intensified. It has been my impression that he hasn’t had that many relationships, but I didn’t know that much about his personal past. I do know that his career has made relationships difficult, due to the role of travel and project work.

 

The date, in any case, was unsatisfying.

 

Pluses: He was on time, dressed for the date, and initially it seemed like he was just nervous enough that it was kind of cute (e.g., way too much cologne). When he first saw me, he gave me a hug and a little brush of a kiss on the cheek. He’d suggested a great venue – a museum we both wanted to see – and it proved really interesting. The conversation was also good; we talked about travel, college basketball, film, and other miscellaneous subjects.

 

Minuses: 1) He had e-mailed me rather than calling, and I feel like e-mail’s a bit passive. I had already told myself that he would have to step up the communication if anything were to continue. 2) He had mentioned prior that he had to meet a friend for dinner at 6:00. I was OK with this, but then he mentioned during the afternoon that he was meeting a female friend for dinner. In my view, this was unnecessary information. 3) When we got into the museum, he referred to a need for coffee after a bit of a late evening the night before. It was early afternoon, so he’d had plenty of time for coffee. 4) We eventually took a break from the museum and he talked about various plans for the year – camping trips, a month in December that he’s out of the country. He also mentioned a former girlfriend in New York with whom he’s “still friends,” and that he would probably see her when he went back for another event next month. One way and another, I was getting a picture of someone who was unavailable in various ways. He was also leaving for another work trip the next morning. I understand the rigors of this kind of travel, but in any case I felt like there just wasn’t much room in this guy’s life.

 

And then came 5). As we finished in the café and went back into the galleries, he mentioned having to leave by a certain time in order to do laundry. At this point, I just didn’t know what to think, except laundry – really? Are you serious!? I have just never been on a first date when someone started talking about laundry.

 

I don’t have any memory of whether I wasn’t talking, but he must have noticed that I was having some kind of reaction…because he started talking more about the laundry. “I’ve really let it pile up,” he said. “I don’t have any underwear left, and there are sheets, and towels…I’ve been having these nosebleeds…what’s the best way to remove bloodstains – hydrogen peroxide?”

 

Fortunately, there was enough to talk about in the museum that eventually we could turn our conversation to something besides the laundry.

 

When it was time to leave, he put the ball in my court a few different times. He asked me to let him know how an interview had gone, and what I thought of a certain film. He also offered (not for the first time) to be a professional reference, and finally said “Let me know if you want to do anything.” I ended things by letting him know that he should call me if he were in town, and interested in plans. We hugged goodbye. But afterward I had to pry my jaw off the floor of my car.

 

I am finding myself caught in disillusionment. I don’t meet too many people with whom I have common ground like I do with this guy. But after months of buildup, this afternoon was a real letdown. I have not heard from him. I may eventually, but regardless I don’t feel very positive about the prospects.

 

Thoughts? Reactions? I have mentioned this story to a few women, all of whom have laughed hysterically. I’ve laughed a bit myself, of course. One guy has said “forget it - he's a douchebag,” and another has just agreed that the dude is not available.

 

To one and all, thanks in advance.

[RobM]

To me it just sounds like he's not that into you, laundry?? really???

 

If I had to decide between spending time with someone I liked or doing laundry, the laundry would lose out, but then I'm a typical guy. If I was out of clean underwear I'd just stop by the store and buy enough for another month.

[silic0ntoad]

To me it just sounds like he's not that into you, laundry?? really???

 

If I had to decide between spending time with someone I liked or doing laundry, the laundry would lose out, but then I'm a typical guy. If I was out of clean underwear I'd just stop by the store and buy enough for another month.

 

 

+1 on this, especially the buying boxers part.

[Gala]

Yeah, it does look that way, doesn't it? It's just frustrating given the long buildup, and lots of signals to the contrary over time. I just couldn't believe that he was that rude about it...and then kept lobbing "get ahold of me" requests my way at the end of the date.

[carhill]

LOL, that guy must be living in the basement of his mother's house

 

Unrequited expectations are a mutha. Good info for next time when you're crushing on a workmate.

 

Who wears underwear on dates anyway?

[silic0ntoad]

 

Who wears underwear on dates anyway?

 

Not this guy. Wearing underwear makes me think I am portraying a ritzie appeal. I mean, only the rich can really buy undergarments nowadays anyway, right?

[carhill]

Yankee thrift. Save money and ventilate the equipment

[Gala]

Thanks for your input, guys. I did not even ask him the obvious question about his attire that day, mostly because I was so appalled...I am no prude, but I do have standards about conduct, preparation, and conversation.

 

It only just occurred to me while reading your responses that he might have wanted to have the "are you wearing any" conversation...good God! If so, I deprived him of that opportunity.

 

He is actually a successful up-and-comer at a large, reputable, and highly profitable company...and is paying an insane amount of money for a not-very-big apartment in a trendy part of town (haven't seen the place, but know about it). I think a lot of his friends are getting married, and at this point I don't see the desire to do so -- or the readiness -- in him.

 

Again, thanks.

[DustySaltus]

way too much cologne

 

This just annoys the hell out of me.

 

As we finished in the café and went back into the galleries, he mentioned having to leave by a certain time in order to do laundry. At this point, I just didn’t know what to think, except laundry – really? Are you serious!? I have just never been on a first date when someone started talking about laundry.

 

I don’t have any memory of whether I wasn’t talking, but he must have noticed that I was having some kind of reaction…because he started talking more about the laundry. “I’ve really let it pile up,” he said. “I don’t have any underwear left, and there are sheets, and towels…I’ve been having these nosebleeds…what’s the best way to remove bloodstains – hydrogen peroxide?”

 

Fortunately, there was enough to talk about in the museum that eventually we could turn our conversation to something besides the laundry.

 

I would've called him out on this BS excuse. You should've offered to help him with it and see what he would've said. Because what single man in his right mind would ever turn down a woman who offered to help him with his laundry? I know I never have . I would've loved to hear his response.

 

The truth is that the guy was planning his exit. "Laundry", "got to get up early", "have to go volunteer at the soup kitchen".....all just a nice way of saying that he wants to be somewhere else....lose this guy.

[Gala]

Actually, I don't see anything "nice" about telling someone that you're ending a date to go do laundry. As for the travel, it's real, and the schedule demanding - but regardless, I deserved better.

 

What I wish I had done was tell him "hell no" straight out at the end of the date.

[make me believe]

The laundry excuse was just tacky - he should have come up with something better than that if he wanted to get away! It sounds like the expectations were just built up too high here. You two had been crushing on each other & feeling chemistry for months at work, so you both probably expected amazing things to happen on this date. Unfortunately the best way to be disappointed is to build your expectations too high!

[Gala]

Make Me Believe - your point about the expectations is also true. The date would have been a letdown on some order, almost no matter what...but laundry? Ugh.

[Gala]

On the socially clueless point - he is a chemical engineer, so there's major dork potential there. He was dressed presentably, but in clothes that didn't seem quite "him" - they were a little too trendy. And normally he doesn't wear cologne.

 

He's not a total dweeb, but I have noticed an awkweirdness that enters into his behavior. Perhaps it amplifies in dating situations. In any case, I certainly can't compensate for someone else's deficiencies...and doubly so when that person has caused me distress and confusion.

[Gala]

I wish the anticipation on this one hadn't gone on for so long. That's a larger disappointment than an afternoon that ended with a loser leaving to do laundry.

 

I have not moved a muscle, nor do I plan to.

 

I am looking forward to when I am no longer thinking about this.

[Brightmoon]

 

 

I must be form a different planet . I don't see that what he did was

so ..sooooooooo. bad..

 

I mean sure.. it was ill advised for this guy to mention laundry..

It was a faux pas for sure.. but all the other stuff about coffee.. him wanting coffee.. is .. well.. so irrelevant..

 

He was probably very nervous and did not want to betray how keen he was on you.. so mentioned mundane stuff to disguise that.

 

Too bad that the chemistry you had between you did not follow through.. He needs someone a little more willing to see past his gaucheness.

 

Just my opinion...

[cooldudeinberlin]

no offense... but this was just about a first date? with a co worker?

 

uh.... why even give it second thought... should be an easy move on.

 

and you shouldnt call the guy a loser just because he sort of blew you off with a lame excuse... you are the one hung up about all this and cant move on from it.

 

first dates mean nothing... who cares about laundry? If you guys had been seeing each other and he was blowing you off with this lame excuse, you might have some b1tching rights... but a first date? Its apparent that its a blow off... just let it be at that... even you recognized the lack of chemistry and connection on the date... it happens... I even find it funny to start joking about it with the other person sometimes and before you know it, you guys are relaxed having a great night out just as friends...

 

and hey...

you are old enough to know to NEVER date or become involved with someone you work with, no matter how desperate you both are.

[Gala]

CDIB - kindly note that we are no longer co-workers.

[2sunny]

in SO many ways and areas - he was telling you that you aren't his priority. re-read your post, he's telling you at every turn that he sees other women and has you listed below the laundry.

 

in knowing that he has many other priorities, it's time for you to decide if you intend to be that far down the ladder.

 

if nothing else - understand that he looks like a major player... do you want to casually date a player who makes small amounts of time for you on occasion? if so, date him again - if not, tell him no.

 

if a man is that interested (even if he's super busy) he WILL make time for you. he's not that interested... he's just too busy chasing lots of tails.

[Gala]

2sunny - I get you. I think perhaps he'd like to be a player, and works it as he can. Based on my observations, I'm not sure he's that successful (see reference to excessive cologne). To your point - and mine - I am not interested in being prioritized below the laundry. I was stunned that anyone would think it was OK to express this so plainly. Should he contact me again, I will let him know I'm not interested.

 

Brightmoon - the observations you viewed as "irrelevant" were about whether he seemed available, motivated, and interested. In the States we refer to an A game. He didn't bring his. Yes, there can be a fine line to walk between acting overeager and simply interested. If we was nervous, he managed that poorly.

[cooldudeinberlin]

CDIB - kindly note that we are no longer co-workers.

 

sorry, I did not see that before ;-)

 

in SO many ways and areas - he was telling you that you aren't his priority. re-read your post, he's telling you at every turn that he sees other women and has you listed below the laundry.

.

 

Yep, its quite apparent...

 

if a man is that interested (even if he's super busy) he WILL make time for you. he's not that interested... he's just too busy chasing lots of tails.

 

Very true... but not necessarily... some of us men to dont jump at the beckon call, however we will have an alternative plan in such a case

[2sunny]

 

Very true... but not necessarily... some of us men to dont jump at the beckon call, however we will have an alternative plan in such a case

 

yep, and so true in this case, and my point exactly - his alternative plan was even his laundry... shows where she is prioritized in his mind...

 

and it's obvious he's not even a player that covers up well - or he wouldn't have shared so much inappropriate info that worked against him, most are much more elusive about what keeps them so busy...

[Gala]

Well, at any rate I do need to move on. I also have some pretty intense life circumstances, and ESPECIALLY in light of these it makes no sense to be dealing with someone like this. I currently have some pretty well-paid part-time work, but need to find a more stable gig. Moreover, my mother is 91, in assisted living, with dementia and associated problems...and right now I am in the midst of deciding whether and how to begin hospice care for her. This decision has various implications that I won't go into here, but it could be one of the largest I have to make in my life. Given this situation in particular, the behavior that what's-his-name exhibited the other weekend seems even more ridiculous and unacceptable.