worldgirl Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 My husband of 28 years deserted me without warning four months ago (details elsewhere in this forum) and moved abroad to live with a girlfriend he'd met seven weeks before. Since then the suffering has been incredible, although I have been making a bit of progress - at least I can concentrate on a few books and films, rather than just having my mind swirling, trying to comprehend the magnitude of my loss. We had a very richly textured and close marriage, and it survived many financial problems, several transatlantic moves, difficult in-laws, the life-threatening illness of one of our two children. Yet since the sudden desertion, I have only spoken to him on the phone twice for any length of twice, negotiating over finances mostly (he either threatens me in emails or simply doesn't take most of what I say into account). Anybody else out there been deserted? It's not a divorce, I won't even call it that, because that implies a gradual crumbling away, rows, mutual agreement to part. Nothing like that here, just a surgical strike; I am only going through the legal process because I need some money. So here I am, long past midnight, wondering how anyone can have the heart to leave so brutally (worse yet, I have some disabilities and live on benefits now). I have so many, many good memories of our life, as recently as last fall, and this year I was supposed to move to live with him in our holiday home in Europe. Instead, I have to face the fact I helped plan this lovely future, only for him to suddenly decide to share it with someone else. How could I ever possibly have another relationship when someone I trusted with my life has betrayed me so utterly?
Eurydice Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I feel for you. Your pain must be incredible right now, and you are no doubt treating the loss of the relationship like a death. It is very much the same process of grieving and recovery, and having been there (on the death side), I want to tell you: you will recover. You will heal. It may be hard, and it may not seem like it now, but please keep faith in yourself and the world. The aches will diminish a bit day by day, and though the betrayal is raw and savage now, you will be able to get past that. It is a time, I would say, to retreat into the company of friends and family. Turn towards your dearest friends, your children, and others who can help. I found some of my strongest roots by doing charitable work because, by focusing on someone else, I could get away from my own suffering. Yes, it hurt to have the loss of someone important but when you are aiding another -- no matter how small the gesture -- it gives something back.
You Go Girl Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 You know what OP-- he's deserting, not you, after so much life spent together, surviving tough times, and having good times too. Guess who is going to regret their decision in a few years? So he's found some new lust object, no doubt. He's riding high on lust. His lower head chemicals are making all the decisions for him. The guilt he's going to feel when it all calms down to a normal life is going to be incredible, and devastating to his self-esteem. You just keep being the good guy here. Do what's right. He's what we commonly call a train wreck just waiting to happen. I almost feel sorrier for him. Why? Because around the time you have mended, and are living a life without depression anymore, he's going to finally face his fate. He's years behind you in dealing with the trauma of this divorce, and knowing that he caused it all is going to make dealing with the loss of you and the marriage very difficult for many years. His burden will be huge.
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