I feel horrible

[Mogliettina]

Hi,this is my first post.

It's not easy for me to write this,too many confused thougts,and english is not my first language,so it may get a bit difficult,but I really need opinions,and I don't really have anyone that I can talk to here.It's not really about my husband,I think it's more about me,but I'm not sure anymore.

We are both going to be 25 in a couple of months,and we have been married for three years.I love him with all my heart,and I know for sure he love me the same way.We have been together since we were 18,know each other since 16.

We argue sometimes,but not that much,and most of the times,it last 10 minutes,and then we are just laughing about it and everything is ok.I'm not the kind of woman who keep everything inside,if I'm pissed at him for something I tell him right away,and this always kept our relationship safe from resentment.He is thankful because I don't make him guess what's wrong and I feel good because he usually do his best to fix what is bothering me.

Anyway,I feel like there is something I absolutely can't tell to him.I can't even get myself to admit it to someone else,I can't even say it out loud.I feel too guilty and an horrible person.

When we got married,we started right away to try to conceive.It never happened.At first I tried to not think too much about it,but after almost a year I panicked.I thought it wasn't normal that at 22 years old we weren't able to conceive in an entire year.He as always been supportive,in some ways,but I never felt he was fully in it as I was.I don't even know how to explain it properly.It was like he wasn't suffer from it,when he always said he does,like it wasn't a real problem to him.Anyway,during that time I lost my bestfriend because she started to tell me that I was a freak and I deserved to not get pregnant,so I kicked her ass out of my life,and she badmouthed me with all our friends.He never got up for me with this.He said it was my buisness.I got mad,but I figured it was because her boyfriend is one of his bestfriends,so he didn't wanted to risk their friendship,and in all fairness his firend never got into it too.

He is always like this,and it drive me crazy.He say it's because he growned up trying to be liked by everyone,because for him it was easier to live peacefully if he was liked.This was because when he was little,his pediatrician got a disease wrong,and from then he is almost deaf.He can hear,but he usually hear voices very low and other noises very loud,way louder than we hear them,so he was teased a lot.He also started to be the funny one in the class,because he figured that make them laugh with him,was easier and less painful than having them laugh about him.But now he is grown,and I think that he need to find other and more mature ways to deal with this.He don't stand for me even when his mother attack me.Don't get me wrong,I do love his mother in some ways,but I don't like her as a person and i don't like spend time with her.She has done a lot for me,however,so I do love her and i'm grateful to her for this,but I can't like her when she badmouth me as soon as her son turn his back.when those things happen and I tell him,he laugh because he find it funny and think that I'm fully capable to handle this by myself.sure,i always tell her to **** off and mind her own ****ing buisness,but it still hurt,and I would like that he say to his mother to quit it,because he knows and it's not ok with it.But he find funny that I tell his mother to **** off.Oh,well..

Anyway,last june we discovered that the problem lays with him.He can't have children naturally,because of the really low number of sperm.Insemination is our only chance.Obviously,because it wasn't enough,in June i lost my job and I've been home since.

In september,he relevated the bakery where he worked before,so now he has his own buisness.The bakery is doing well,it has been open 50 years now,so it already has a name and a lot of customers.I never had a problem with his work,even if he is always asleep during the day and away at nights.We always found a way to have together time,but now it's different.His parents are helping him with this.I know he is not able to do this alone,and that's one of the reasons I was totally against this project,but he has just done what he wanted.Anyway,I'm not against his parents helping him,and his father is the person that really organised everything from the beginning and is helping him a lot,but he decided by himself that I have to do the accounting of the bakery even thought I have never done it before.Obviously it's not the only thing I do,all the boards there are to do,I do them.i've cleaned the heck out of that place with his mother for almost a year now,and she is still calling me for clean more.I hate it.I hate the accounting,and he knows.I feel like they are in our lives too much,and I told him that after the first three years (we are renting now,in three years we have to buy this or another place) things have to change.If he still need daddy to help him it's ok,but once a week and not all the times like now.Also,I don't want to do the accounting anymore and I don't want his mother to come anymore.I will go every morning and help him cleaning the place,but not with her.So at this moment I really don't like to see his parents or to spend time with them.I do love his sister like my own,though.

Last month we started all the medical exams for the insemination.This thing is going to cost a lot of money,but I'm not willing to wait anymore.We made an agreement when he decided to open the bakery even if I was against,that after the first six months we would have started with the insemination.Anyway,we are.The problem is here.The more we go forward,the more I feel like I'm starting to resent my husband for his inability to give me a child.I've never felt this way before.I never resented him before.Never ever.When we got his exam with the low count,my only thought was "why us",never "it's his fault".I think everything started with the bakery thing.It made me really stressed,and I maybe started to resent him a bit for that,but since I'm home and he is basically maintaining me I never really got too resentful toward him,even because I see how much he loves his work,how much he work,even 12,13 hours a night,and in the end I know that the one that really trapped me in this is his father,that just decided for me that I was going to make the accounting(that I really hate and that stress the hell out of me,because it's not easy and I'malways afraid to make mistakes,and if it happen that i make one his fahter give me hell for this),so it's more him that I resent.

But I really feel that everything started with the bakery.i don't know if it's just because i'm exausted and stressed out,but the more exams I have to do,the more blood they suck out of me,the more needles they put in my body,the more hormonal meds I'm on (that make me really freak out sometimes.hormonal changes=not funny)the more I find myself think that this is all his fault,that I would not have to suffer so much if it wasn't for him.The same moment I realize what I'm thinking I feel so bad,so horrible,because I know that it's not his fault,and that it certainly isn't funny for him to be in this situation.But I'm the one who suffer the most,and sometimes I can't help.I'm starting to think that if only he apologize or show me that he is truly suffering too my mind would probably stop to think such things..I feel horrible.He has nothing to apologize for,but sometimes I really feel like I need to see that he really is suffering and it's not just for the sake of sayin it.I can't get him to really show me what he feel about this.He said that he is suffering,but I can't see it.I don't know if he is so ashamed about this that maybe he is trying to hide his pain,but I kind of need to see that he is were I am too.I'm an horrible person for this?I know I feel like one.I don't want to resent him,I love him to much.I don't want this to affect our relationship.But I can't seem to find a way to work this out.

I don't know anymore if is because of the pain I had in this last years,if it's because of the stress of the new buisness and the problems with the inlaws,if it's because of the meds or just because I'm horrible.Sorry for the uber long post,guys.

[jmargel]

You can't force your husband not to include his family in his life. This is his decision. My wife's dad and me do not get along. We have already gotten into a physical altercation. The best way I deal with it, is to not see him. I would never tell her she couldn't see her dad or spend time with him, but that I will not include myself in this.

 

If you feel this uncomfortable about his mother then you need to push yourself away from it. Though I would recommend talking to his mother first. I talked to my wife's father (I have a post on these a number of years ago, the guy is a psycho) and we came to the agreement that we won't have anything to do with each other. And it's worked out well in that part of the marriage.

 

As for the accounting part, they are trying to include you into this. What do you do during the day if you don't work and don't have any children? Why is it stressing you out so much? Is it because you don't quite understand it?

 

You seem to have a one track mind of having a child. That is NOT the answer to this and in fact would be only more stressful in your life. And to resent him because he can't have children is just wrong. To make someone less of a person because of something they can't control is demeaning to them.

 

And just because he doesn't feel the same hurt as you do doesn't mean he any less worthwhile. Everyone deals with situations differently and you can't blame a person for the way this happens.

 

Perhaps it's time for some counseling for yourself, I am starting to wonder if you are depressed. The only goal you have set for yourself is to have a baby. Once you have this baby, what's next? What have you been doing for yourself to help yourself feel better?