Sevenscars Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 This afternoon, a woman joined me for lunch. It was a small hole-in-the-wall, one of my favorites. The conversation and flow of our time together went well, and I could sense that she liked me as much as I liked her. She even impressed me by offering to pay for her half (after I had sneaked off and paid!), which I refused, then told me that she'd buy me lunch next time and set a day. I accepted, but I'm not really going to let her do that A short while after we left, she mentioned her boyfriend. I have known this girl for a little while now, and this was the first mention of him -- but we never got deep enough into anything for her to have mentioned it before. I really like this girl and can see a future with her. Though I'm not one to break a relationship, or be "that other guy." I see this girl quite frequently. What should I do to ease out of this situation, and be clear of my intentions? What can I do to help myself get over her? She really likes me, and every time we interact not only is it obvious, but we are very flirty together. How am I going to stop that?
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I honestly will never understand this type of predatory behaviour. If this was your girlfriend, would you be okay for some other guy to make a move on her? Let's flip back to your problem. Say you manage to "take her away" from her b/f. What's stopping someone else from "taking her away" from you in the future, since she bent over for you?
Author Sevenscars Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Start dating other women. Thank you for your honest, sincere advice. I like it. I honestly will never understand this type of predatory behaviour. If this was your girlfriend, would you be okay for some other guy to make a move on her? No. That's why I'm choosing not to pursue things with this girl; rather I'm asking what to do next time I see her (which is a few times a week, so I'm going to have to deal with this somehow), and how I can get over liking her so much. Let's flip back to your problem. Say you manage to "take her away" from her b/f. What's stopping someone else from "taking her away" from you in the future, since she bent over for you? Nothing, as I'm not going to let that happen.
JustLooking123 Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Start dating other women. Exactly. If she wants to be with you, she needs to end her current relationship first. Don't get into some messy, emotionally overinvolved mess when she's still with him.
D-Lish Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I think you're already in over your head... I wouldn't pay her way anymore, that would be a good start.
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 My apologies. I misread your opening post. When she flirts with you, stonewall her. When she jokes with you in a friendly way, return the friendliness to the extent of polite civility. Don't go out with just the two of you, even for lunch or a walk. Keep your distance. If she's one of these girls who gets off on being ignored and pushes for more attention, shut her down by freezing her out.
Author Sevenscars Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Exactly. If she wants to be with you, she needs to end her current relationship first. Don't get into some messy, emotionally overinvolved mess when she's still with him. Yes, I agree. It would be a messy mess to get involved with her. I think you're already in over your head... I wouldn't pay her way anymore, that would be a good start. The fact that I like her is enough to be in over my head. Now it's time to dig myself out. I was more than willing to pay for our lunch, especially since the time we spent together was really enjoyable. But that was before I found out about her boyfriend, and it's not going to happen again. My apologies. I misread your opening post. That's fine, it happens. If I was still trying to get with her, your advice is exactly what I would have needed. When she flirts with you, stonewall her. When she jokes with you in a friendly way, return the friendliness to the extent of polite civility. Don't go out with just the two of you, even for lunch or a walk. Keep your distance. If she's one of these girls who gets off on being ignored and pushes for more attention, shut her down by freezing her out. All right. It will be tough, since I'm still attracted to this girl, and we sometimes work in close quarters. But what you just said is much easier and healthier than continuing any sort of fling, and then ultimately having to end it with a lot of pain (as these things usually turn out as such). It seems as though I'll have to freeze her out anyway; I can't imagine any scenario where I'm not still liking her, with us being platonic. It really does suck, but it could be much worse.
Engadget Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Be friends, see how it develops and if you guys do hit it off for sure, lay it out for her. I wouldn't get involved with a girl who's taken, but if she does really like you, she may end things with her boyfriend for you. You never know.
confused and broken Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 stay clear.... unless she becomes single... Set your boundaries because by the sounds of it she has been leading you on, but leading you to a scary place IMO the fact that she is like that should tell you what type of girl she is... not the type you want to date... It's okay to have guy friends if you make it clear that your in a relationship (before they buy you lunch) It's not okay to give them the feeling that you really like them (lead them on) Sorry this had to happen to you... it really sucks you must have been totally crushed when she said she had a bf
Author Sevenscars Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Be friends, see how it develops and if you guys do hit it off for sure, lay it out for her. I wouldn't get involved with a girl who's taken, but if she does really like you, she may end things with her boyfriend for you. You never know. Her boyfriend has similar life goals as I do, but he got there first. I'm still a few years away. With that in mind, it's highly unlikely that I can "compete" with her boyfriend, and she would leave him for me -- at least not for a few years. Even if she did, it wouldn't be worth it. Judging from past happenings, I believe her boyfriend lives in another state and they are long-distance. I don't know for sure, as she only mentioned him once in passing, but if that is so, that makes it even worse that she is doing this. She likes me a lot, I can tell, and I like her all the same, but I wouldn't want her leaving a safe and secure relationship for one with me. stay clear.... unless she becomes single... Set your boundaries because by the sounds of it she has been leading you on, but leading you to a scary place IMO the fact that she is like that should tell you what type of girl she is... not the type you want to date... It's okay to have guy friends if you make it clear that your in a relationship (before they buy you lunch) It's not okay to give them the feeling that you really like them (lead them on) Sorry this had to happen to you... it really sucks you must have been totally crushed when she said she had a bf Maybe she's been leading me on, maybe she has not. We have not been close enough for anything major to happen, until our little date, where I made my intentions clear (now she knows for sure that I like her). This won't change much between us, besides me being more cautious around her (setting up boundaries). The thing is, she seems like such a sweet girl, and she is very datable -- I would love to have her as my girlfriend. At least, that is what I thought before I found out about her boyfriend. So I could wait until she is single, but judging on what's happened so far, I'd rather just look for a girl that is already single. On that note, her friend is super cute, and totally gave me the eye the other day! Not to mention how well it'll work out when she tells her friend all about how well our lunch went, which will probably make her friend like me even more When she said she has a boyfriend, I wasn't totally crushed. I felt bad for a few moments (maybe more confused), maybe even sad that I really like this girl and things wouldn't work out, but a girl telling you she's taken is a LOT better than her not being interested in you -- the latter is like, "ouch; there goes my pride," while the former is easier to just brush off. After all, she likes me! It just won't work out, and that's a lot easier to get over.
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