AAlike Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 to summarize/further my point - if your wife read through your phone completely unprompted, that is certainly an issue that she has. I can't imagine my wife doing anything like that in our relationship. this goes double if your relationship is not something that you'd consider serious. However, if you'd consider your relationship to be exclusive and serious, and you regularly refrain from telling her things like making a lunch date with an old female friend, whether you had a history or not, perhaps the problem is with you.
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 While I totally agree that trust is key within a healthy relationship, I honestly don't understand the need for privacy when it comes to electronic communication devices. My husband and I have a wide-open policy. We have full access to each other's electronic devices. To date, I've never felt a need to look. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't looked but if he has, no big deal.
Star Gazer Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 BF and I know each others' passwords (other than our respective work email), they're the same for everything. But snooping is a deal breaker to me.
phineas Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 when it came to PC/ email/cell phone I was an open book to my wife. When her cell died I just gave her mine because I had nothing to hide. It was when she started holding onto hers, taking it into the bathroom with her, sleeping with it, waking up in the middle of the night to text ect. I got suspicous. I had a feeling in my gut. I was right. she was cheating on me. Before then I never even thought of snooping in her phone or e-mail or computer I trusted her & didn't even care to look. The next woman I'm with I will probably trust them also & not care to look at their phone or computer either unless I start seeing the signs.
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 when it came to PC/ email/cell phone I was an open book to my wife. When her cell died I just gave her mine because I had nothing to hide. It was when she started holding onto hers, taking it into the bathroom with her, sleeping with it, waking up in the middle of the night to text ect. I got suspicous. I had a feeling in my gut. I was right. she was cheating on me. Before then I never even thought of snooping in her phone or e-mail or computer I trusted her & didn't even care to look. The next woman I'm with I will probably trust them also & not care to look at their phone or computer either unless I start seeing the signs.That's the beauty of a wide-open policy. It promotes trust between you and gives you first warning, when patterns of behaviour change.
AAlike Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 While I totally agree that trust is key within a healthy relationship, I honestly don't understand the need for privacy when it comes to electronic communication devices. My husband and I have a wide-open policy. We have full access to each other's electronic devices. To date, I've never felt a need to look. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't looked but if he has, no big deal. Don't get me wrong, I don't password protect my phone (I do my work one but that is in case I lose it and it has confidential stuff on it) and I'm pretty sure my wife knows my computer password...if I saw her using my phone or my computer I wouldn't flip out about it nor care. however, I'm sorry, to look through someone's call logs or read old texts is unconditionally weird. I don't even look through my OWN call log or read my own old texts, so why would I ever do it to hers?
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Don't get me wrong, I don't password protect my phone (I do my work one but that is in case I lose it and it has confidential stuff on it) and I'm pretty sure my wife knows my computer password...if I saw her using my phone or my computer I wouldn't flip out about it nor care. however, I'm sorry, to look through someone's call logs or read old texts is unconditionally weird. I don't even look through my OWN call log or read my own old texts, so why would I ever do it to hers?I've only done this once. And yes, my ex-H was cheating on me. With this in mind, I can't in all good conscience say to people that privacy trumps your gut instincts. If you're feeling those alarm bell warnings which normally start at low-level, you'd be naive to ignore them.
phineas Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 That's the beauty of a wide-open policy. It promotes trust between you and gives you first warning, when patterns of behaviour change. Actually, her ringing up a $1500 cell phone bill talking & texting her new boyfriend is what was my first warning.
aerogurl87 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I like an open book policy. If my boyfriend wants to go look through my email, facebook, or phone he can, I have nothing to hide. And I can look through his stuff if I feel like it since I have access to his passwords, but I don't ever do so unless he asks me to check his email for him or something like that. Other than that, I don't even care, but if I start seeing signs that something is amiss, I'd ask questions first, and if the signs persist, snoop later.
AAlike Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I like an open book policy. If my boyfriend wants to go look through my email, facebook, or phone he can, I have nothing to hide. And I can look through his stuff if I feel like it since I have access to his passwords, but I don't ever do so unless he asks me to check his email for him or something like that. Other than that, I don't even care, but if I start seeing signs that something is amiss, I'd ask questions first, and if the signs persist, snoop later. well I agree with that - I mean, really, we're just talking semantics....if the underlying point is "don't snoop unless you have reason to" then i am in total agreement, it's really the same thing in practice.
CLC2008 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I agree with sharing in the sense of an open policy but that doesn't give someone the right to invade because its their "right" too. Symantics aside, the underlying issue here is, why the op has continued communicating with a woman he was clearly involved with romantically, I mean I think its safe to assume there was some sort of history there that has mmade its way to the present and future aka lunch date. If I was in a rl with someone I would not be making lunch dates with past love interests without my bf knowing, if at all. And if the two of you are nothing more than platonic friends then you don't need to keep that from your gf.
aerogurl87 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 If I was in a rl with someone I would not be making lunch dates with past love interests without my bf knowing, if at all. And if the two of you are nothing more than platonic friends then you don't need to keep that from your gf. I agree with this also. My boyfriend is still friends with one of his exes (and they only dated briefly) who was recently in a car accident. So he wanted to meet up with her for coffee and see how she was, but he asked if it was ok first, which I greatly appreciated. And that's what makes the big difference. If it's just you two meeting up as friends why does it have to be a secret? If my boyfriend were to secretly be meeting up with his ex girlfriends I'd think something was up. Either they weren't just friends or he still had something for her.
dazzle22 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I would never trust a lover again who made lunch dates with an ex behind my back and didn't tell me, even if the meeting was 'innocent'. One of my husband's ex's hounded him a lot before we were engaged to go out 'to lunch' with her and just not tell me, and he told her he simply would never want to jeopradize what we had, for lunch with an ex... It would always bother me as to why he just couldn't be upfront, and I would wonder what else he was going to hide from me in the future. As far as her snooping, she likely 'had a feeling'....
SadKitty78 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Thanks for the posts! In my case my g/f went through my phone without my permission, found a message from a girl I once had some history with (no commitments or anything that serious) concerning a lunch date, felt threatened, and now feels like she should be able to look through my phone if she wants, and that I should cut this girl out of my life completely b/c she feels uncomfortable. She says I can look through her things b/c she has nothing to hide. She feels justified in doing what she did b/c of what she found (or thinks she found). I have a lot of trouble with this line of thinking. Did you tell her about the lunch date or message? Not having commitment with this woman doesn't mean it's not going to be unkosher. You said you had history which I would imply to mean, NOT 100% PLATONIC in the past. On the other hand what I would do to be in your gf's position right now, where all she found was a message? I found a whole slew of naked photos of a girl my BF still hangs out with and who he told me was JUST a friend! (the pictures were old, however, but still....) Sigh Anyway, I digress, but yes, why not just do an open door policy with you both then.
Author Just_dealin_with_it Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 The message with the tentative plans was received several weeks before. I was in the middle of finals and it was the last thing on my mind. In fact I totally forgot about the whole idea of lunch with her. The only thing I think I could have done differently was to tell her the day I read the message, which obviously I didn't. It was unintentional, but a mistake on my part. Now we have a trust issue. If I could go back, I would have mentioned it. The only reason I can think of why I didn't was because it was only an idea and not actually set. I suppose me not saying anything right away was thoughtless and insensitive but I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to privacy anymore either. Regardless of this mishap, she still thinks it's normal to know passwords to emails, phones, etc. of her s/o. It seems to me that eventually, this privacy issue was going to come to the table anyways. After all she did snoop through my phone without me knowing.
Engadget Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 The message with the tentative plans was received several weeks before. I was in the middle of finals and it was the last thing on my mind. In fact I totally forgot about the whole idea of lunch with her. The only thing I think I could have done differently was to tell her the day I read the message, which obviously I didn't. It was unintentional, but a mistake on my part. Now we have a trust issue. If I could go back, I would have mentioned it. The only reason I can think of why I didn't was because it was only an idea and not actually set. I suppose me not saying anything right away was thoughtless and insensitive but I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to privacy anymore either. Regardless of this mishap, she still thinks it's normal to know passwords to emails, phones, etc. of her s/o. It seems to me that eventually, this privacy issue was going to come to the table anyways. After all she did snoop through my phone without me knowing. I dunno I guess it is normal if you're both completely open with each other. Me and my ex knew all of each other's passwords and everything. Of course that backfired on her when I figured she was cheating, logged on her e-mail for the first time and caught her.
SarahRose Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 The message with the tentative plans was received several weeks before. I was in the middle of finals and it was the last thing on my mind. In fact I totally forgot about the whole idea of lunch with her. The only thing I think I could have done differently was to tell her the day I read the message, which obviously I didn't. It was unintentional, but a mistake on my part. Now we have a trust issue. If I could go back, I would have mentioned it. The only reason I can think of why I didn't was because it was only an idea and not actually set. I suppose me not saying anything right away was thoughtless and insensitive but I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to privacy anymore either. Regardless of this mishap, she still thinks it's normal to know passwords to emails, phones, etc. of her s/o. It seems to me that eventually, this privacy issue was going to come to the table anyways. After all she did snoop through my phone without me knowing. So had you had sex with this woman in the past? Did your current gf know you were still in contact with this woman at all?
EmperorR Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 considering my cheating ex gave me a std, I say yes if i knew she was screwing around my back before I would not have been burned pun intended
ADF Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I agree with what you say, but the 4th amendment is only a right to privacy from the government. Not other people. That's not the point. Yes, the amendment specifically limits the invasive power of government. However, there is an underlying principle that applies more broadly. Having control over your personal affairs is basic to maintaining your dignity as a human being. A personal who violates your privacy is treating you like chattel, like they own you. That we've come to a place where people have no concept of this is sad.
CLC2008 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 So had you had sex with this woman in the past? Did your current gf know you were still in contact with this woman at all? Everyone is entitled to their privacy and that is their right. But, I can't help but think the above may be the same assumption of the OP's girlfriend and what prompted her to take action. I agree though that if she had this assumption, it would have been better for both of them had they discussed it openly first before going behind each other's back. But, that's kinda what is bound to happen if someone is keeping in contact, talking and making lunch dates with love interests from their past and keeping it from their significant other...
Author Just_dealin_with_it Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I wasn't keeping anything from anyone. Unfortunately that's how my significant other looks at it. I wasn't, I was just caught in the middle of an unconfirmed plan that I totally forgot about as my s/o snooped through my phone. She was not looking for this, and had no reason to look through my phone regarding this situation. She said she was "curious" and was "trying to get to know me better" by looking through my phone without permission. I've known my friend for over 10 years now. We never had sex, the dating (not love interest) thing was years ago when we first met. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being friends despite a dating situation not working out? I believe it's called moving on and getting over it. Not that there was all that much to move on from or get over. We simply managed to stay friends over the years that's all.
dazzle22 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 We believe you....now you just need to convince her.
linwood Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 While I totally agree that trust is key within a healthy relationship, I honestly don't understand the need for privacy when it comes to electronic communication devices. My husband and I have a wide-open policy. We have full access to each other's electronic devices. To date, I've never felt a need to look. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't looked but if he has, no big deal. I`m the same way. My wife knows all my passwords, has access to my phone, e-mail. It works both ways. I don`t see the big deal. However if my phone ever died and I asked to use hers and she hesitated or denied I`d become suspicious of why. I`d be snooping for sure after that. You`re right to privacy doesn`t over ride my right to protect myself. Sorry. Edit: I want to add that in my case the point is moot. My wife is waaay too smart to be leaving incriminating evidence on her phone or e-mail account. The delete button is so convenient. If I wanted to snoop I`d have to get far more serious than browsing her text messages.
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