Rights to gf/bf emails? cell phone?

[Just_dealin_with_it]

Probably been discussed a million times on here, but I'm curious. Does your bf/gf have a right to your cell phone and emails? Should they be allowed to check up on you whenever they want? What about your right to privacy? Do you relinquish that when you decide to be in a relationship? Does wanting privacy mean you have something to hide?

 

I personally believe in a right to privacy and feel that true trust and security is never wanting to search someone's phone or emails. Basing your trust on knowing them as a person and not by what you find in a phone or email that could mean something or be misinterpreted. Isn't doing this showing that you distrust your s/o? And that you can only have trust transiently until the next phone or email checking session? To what end are you allowed to go through your partners life before you trust them fully?

 

Just want to know what others think. Privacy? No privacy? Some happy medium? If so, what would that be?

[D-Lish]

Personally, I like having that right to my own privacy. If I am dating someone, and they want access to my phone and e-mail, want to listen to my voicemails or keep tabs on me, I am turned off.

 

Conversely, If I feel the need to check everything my SO has going on, then something is wrong in the relationship. If I can't trust someone, I won't stay in the relationship.

 

A huge part of a relationship is trust. I don't need access to their VM's, TM's, or e-mail. If I get a vibe they can't be trusted, that's reason enough for me to leave.

[Citizen Erased]

I think they have more of a right of never being put in the position to distrust me so much they would even require a look.

Edited April 6, 2010 by Citizen Erased

[Just_dealin_with_it]

Thanks for the posts!

 

I agree with both. I think you should act appropriately and treat your s/o in a way that they would not feel the need to look through your things.

 

In my case my g/f went through my phone without my permission, found a message from a girl I once had some history with (no commitments or anything that serious) concerning a lunch date, felt threatened, and now feels like she should be able to look through my phone if she wants, and that I should cut this girl out of my life completely b/c she feels uncomfortable. She says I can look through her things b/c she has nothing to hide. She feels justified in doing what she did b/c of what she found (or thinks she found). I have a lot of trouble with this line of thinking.

 

We are at a standstill on the issue and it could mean the end of our relationship. Shouldn't I be the one with the trust issues b/c of what she did? Not the other way around? She claims that having access to eachother's things is normal in relationships, and this is being "open" to one another. This hasn't really been normal for me in my past relationships.

[threebyfate]

found a message from a girl I once had some history with (no commitments or anything that serious) concerning a lunch date

So, why wouldn't you have said anything to your g/f about making a lunch date with an ex?

[Engadget]

If there's trust, and there's no reason to doubt them then no, I wouldn't look at anything of theirs. However with my last ex, once I started sensing she was cheating I went on her computer and found the motherlode. I don't like doing it, at all but at the same time I needed to know and she was lying to me, and I caught her.

[bluz73]

Thanks for the posts!

 

I agree with both. I think you should act appropriately and treat your s/o in a way that they would not feel the need to look through your things.

 

In my case my g/f went through my phone without my permission, found a message from a girl I once had some history with (no commitments or anything that serious) concerning a lunch date, felt threatened, and now feels like she should be able to look through my phone if she wants, and that I should cut this girl out of my life completely b/c she feels uncomfortable. She says I can look through her things b/c she has nothing to hide. She feels justified in doing what she did b/c of what she found (or thinks she found). I have a lot of trouble with this line of thinking.

 

We are at a standstill on the issue and it could mean the end of our relationship. Shouldn't I be the one with the trust issues b/c of what she did? Not the other way around? She claims that having access to eachother's things is normal in relationships, and this is being "open" to one another. This hasn't really been normal for me in my past relationships.

I agree if you love someone trust is part of the deal..I never went thru my ex's phone or emails..(maybe i should have sooner) but his new gf emailed me from an account with the user name both of their initials and year of births..HOW CRAZY IS THAT!

Dated this guy for 6 years and NEVER had a shared email..This biaaatch made an email for them to share after 2 lousy months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!

[CLC2008]

Does he/she have a "right" to it? No. Not in that context.

 

You're both entitled to want and have your own privacy with certain things.

 

Perfectly reasonable.

 

It only becomes an issue if/when your bf/gf can't for an underlying reason that only one party knows about...

[Engadget]

As much as we all enjoy our privacy, it is interesting that privacy is a modern invention. Back in the day when the internet didn't exist, or even phones, towns were too small to hide almost anything from anyone.

[LakesideDream]

GF/BF ? Absolutely Not ! Now that situation changes if you are GF/BF's shacking up, with 2-3-4 kids like many here are. That is a committed relationship.

 

Sadly when it gets bad enough to want to see your SO's communication records it's probably over anyhow. Good Luck.

[CLC2008]

TBF made a good point. OP why did you have a lunch date with your ex and not tell your gf?

[D-Lish]

Did your gf catch you making a lunch date with the ex, just a message from your ex requesting lunch, were you going to meet the ex and not tell your gf?

 

I enter each relationship giving my partner the benefit of doubt. I would never think of picking up his phone and scrolling through his messages. Trust me when I tell you, if I am dating someone and he is being is being dishonest, or doing something he shouldn't be doing, my spidey-sense will go off. I won't go crazy checking his TM's, I'll just leave him.

 

If I were to start dating someone and found out they were going through my phone without my permission, I'd be seriously pissed.

[threebyfate]

For most people unless they have mega-baggage, their spidey-sense does start tingling which is usually why they snoop. I've had my spidey-sense go off with two guys. Both times were bang on. One cheated, the other a "grass is greener" guy.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

The girl wasn't an ex. We did have some history, but it wasn't serious. It was years ago and over time we managed to stay friends. The fact that there was some history there is to be acknowledged and taken into account, I know!

 

The lunch plans were tentative, nothing set in stone, no date actually agreed upon. We barely see one another, and whenever talk of plans occur, usually they fall through because both of us are pretty busy. She has a kid, etc., and I am a grad student. Had we made definite plans I would have said something to my g/f no problem. I wasn't hiding anything from her honestly.

[threebyfate]

I'm going to use carhill's litmus test for cross-gender friendships. Do you have many common interests with this ex? Do you talk about science, math, technology, sports, the stockmarket, cars, politics or finance with her?

[ADF]

If you are an adult, and if you're not under the control of the criminal justice system, no one--NO ONE--has a right to invade your privacy. Unfortunately, too many people these days have no respect for privacy. They don't even have a concept of it. Once, the right to privacy was so sacred our founding fathers made it a basic constitutional right (4th Amendment). Today, many people in the US think more like people living in a dictatorship than a democracy.They feel that if people have nothing to hide, they shouldn't care that all their personal business is out in the street. And if people go snooping and find something incriminating, they automatically feel justified in what they did.

 

This is particularly true of young people. We've raised an entire generation random locker searches, random drug tests, and so on. They think it totally normal to be treated, and to treat others, as a criminal suspects.

 

Recently, I worked temp job that required me to ask patrons at a local sandwich shop to share their personal info for marketing purposes. I hated doing it, but needed the money. Know what I found? People over 35 refused to tell me anything. They didn't feel some company had any right to their personal information. But the people in their teens and 20s were willing to tell me everything. They freely gave out phone numbers, home addresses, and all kinds of info about themselves and their families. It was just incredible, and so, so sad.

Edited April 6, 2010 by ADF

[CLC2008]

The girl wasn't an ex. We did have some history, but it wasn't serious. It was years ago and over time we managed to stay friends. The fact that there was some history there is to be acknowledged and taken into account, I know!

 

The lunch plans were tentative, nothing set in stone, no date actually agreed upon. We barely see one another, and whenever talk of plans occur, usually they fall through because both of us are pretty busy. She has a kid, etc., and I am a grad student. Had we made definite plans I would have said something to my g/f no problem. I wasn't hiding anything from her honestly.

 

Yes but it sounds like you and this *woman* spoke regularly enough to warrant a lunch date. I'm not suggesting that you have ulterior motives where that is concerned, but this is how your gf probably perceives it from her point of view.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

I'm going to use carhill's litmus test for cross-gender friendships. Do you have many common interests with this ex? Do you talk about science, math, technology, sports, the stockmarket, cars, politics or finance with her?

 

Sure. Usually though, there are large gaps in time from when we last spoke, so its more "how are you, how's family, friends", etc.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

Yes but it sounds like you and this *woman* spoke regularly enough to warrant a lunch date. I'm not suggesting that you have ulterior motives where that is concerned, but this is how your gf probably perceives it from her point of view.

 

 

Its a valid point. I explained our history to my g/f and have tried to reassure her that there is nothing there on either side (mine especially).

 

As far as how often we talk goes, its sporadic at best. We've gone a year or more without speaking at times. We've known each other going on 10 years now.

[AAlike]

For what it's worth, I am married and my wife and I have separate cell phones, separate computers, separate bank accounts, and we don't read each other's e-mails.

 

I know that some people might take this to mean that we hide things from one another (part of the reason for the separate computers is the sensitivity of the material that I work with so in that sense I guess it is partially true), but really, I think it's more conceptual.

 

I guess I feel that as long as I have a GENERAL sense of what she does, who she talks to, how she spends money, etc. etc. that I don't need to have formal documentation of EVERYTHING that she does. We generally always know where the other one is, no one makes any big purchases without the other knowing, and if one of us has a long phone conversation we'll always disclose who with. but I think that if I read her e-mails regularly it would just open up the possibility of something getting misinterpreted...and plus, I feel that even in the best of relationships people need a little sense of privacy and an outlet. I mean, I know that when I first found out she was pregnant, I had a long e-mail conversation with a friend of mine about my reaction and mental state...the end result was resassuring, but what good would it have done to have her read that conversation? i'm sure she also had similar conversations with friends of hers that are her business.

 

I suppose that very well could change if I felt that I had lost that general sense of her daily activities (aka trust)...however, I feel like if that ever happened no amount of snooping or monitoring is going to bring that back...if anything, it reinforces the LACK of trust. that's why I never understood the whole playing detective thing - I was in one relationship where I lost the sense of trusting of a girl - and I ended as soon as I felt that it was gone. I still to this day don't know if she cheated or just felt the need to be dramatic and unpredictable, nor do I care.

 

however, that is a general answer - in regards to OP's post, I believe that I would have told my wife about a lunch date with an old female friend. I wouldn't expect it to be a problem either. Does that justify the snooping? no, not if she had no probable cause, but now she's going to think that it is justified.

[Engadget]

If you are an adult, and if you're not under the control of the criminal justice system, no one--NO ONE--has a right to invade your privacy. Unfortunately, too many people these days have no respect for privacy. They don't even have a concept of it. Once, the right to privacy was so sacred our founding fathers made it a basic constitutional right (4th Amendment). Today, many people in the US think more like people living in a dictatorship than a democracy.They feel that if people have nothing to hide, they shouldn't care that all their personal business is out in the street. And if people go snooping and find something incriminating, they automatically feel justified in what they did.

 

This is particularly true of young people. We've raised an entire generation random locker searches, random drug tests, and so on. They think it totally normal to be treated, and to treat others, as a criminal suspects.

 

Recently, I worked temp job that required me to ask patrons at a local sandwich shop to share their personal info for marketing purposes. I hated doing it, but needed the money. Know what I found? People over 35 refused to tell me anything. They didn't feel some company had any right to their personal information. But the people in their teens and 20s were willing to tell me everything. They freely gave out phone numbers, home addresses, and all kinds of info about themselves and their families. It was just incredible, and so, so sad.

 

I agree with what you say, but the 4th amendment is only a right to privacy from the government. Not other people.

[Crazy Magnet]

I would never snoop or ask to see anything unless spidey sense started shooting off flares. So far, spidey sense has never been wrong so I never doubt it anymore.

 

Have you asked your GF why she was motivated to snoop? Maybe her spidey sense went off. If it did, you probably need to know what set her off and give her a chance to explain what she's thinking. If nothing else, you'll understand each other better in the long run.

 

In the past I have had full access to a SO's personal things after cheating occurred for full transparency to try to work it out. Currently I have access to absolutely nothing, and I am ok with that because I trust him.

 

I believe two people need privacy within a relationship, HOWEVER, you shouldn't really be making lunch dates with someone with "history" behind your GF's back. I don't care how "tentative" they are. Does your GF know this other woman? It doesn't sound like it. Of course she is now going to feel justified in her snooping b/c you were doing something that violated her boundaries. The two of you need to have a frank discussion on where the boundaries of your relationship are with ex's and opposite sex friendships.

[sally4sara]

Well, I mean if my husband wanted to use my phone I really wouldn't care. If he wanted to check my call logs or messages, he can, again I don't care.

 

But in the asking to check, I would wonder why he couldn't just talk to me if he thought something was up instead of going through my phone. I'm of the mind that if you have suspicions, you won't find out anything by simply seeing who was called and a lot of messages can be taken out of context when you're not thinking clearly. Simple phrases can seem sinister.

I had one BF do this and found a message saying "you looked and smelled great today" sent by me to a guy friend. He flipped out. The friend in question had been crapped on by a bird right before I ran into him. My message was a joke about the bird crap.

[123BeachFan]

You have both violated each other's trust (you in setting a secret lunch date with your ex; her in snooping through your phone). You've both done wrong here, though I'd say the secret lunch date was a much bigger act of deception.

 

That being said, a relationship should be based on trust. I don't see a point where anyone has the rights to the other person's email, cell phone, and snail mail to check up on them. If they don't trust each other on the basics, the relationship has no solid ground.

Edited April 6, 2010 by 123BeachFan

[make me believe]

It was wrong of your gf to snoop in the first place, but unfortunately she found something that upset her and now feels justified in the snooping. Even though you say your interaction with this female friend is innocent, you can see how it looks like a "secret lunch date" to your gf and to outsiders, can't you? You should have mentioned it to your gf as soon as you began making plans with this other girl. I would bet that now you'll have a lot more snooping to deal with in the future from your gf. She'll want to know which other female "friends" you're sneaking off to have lunch with. (I'm saying that from her likely POV)

 

I would ask her why she felt the need to snoop. Did she suspect something, or was she just "checking up" for no reason? If it's the latter, then that is a red flag and not to be taken lightly. She absolutely does NOT have a right to free reign of your personal phone/email/etc.