new here...so

[twinsand1]

Hi all! I've stumbled across your forums and hope I can hang out for a bit. I am currently separated from my husband of almost 15 years. I left him in October because I was so miserable I couldn't stay any longer. I am very low key and we never argued, as I just don’t argue unless it’s a big deal. He took advantage of that buy shutting me down with spiteful cursing and name-calling, so I’d just drop whatever it was I was trying to discuss, knowing full well that I would never spar in that manner.

 

About 11 years ago, after the birth of our twins, I knew something was not right, and I began asking him to go to MC, but he never would. We grew further apart and as a defense mechanism I built a “wall” to hide behind. He has always been critical and often verbally abusive. He has not really cared who saw the abuse. His mother and sister on separate occasions asked me if he physically abused me because the verbal stuff was so bad. My sister’s say I am a far cry from the person I used to be, and not in a good way. He has belittled my job as a teacher anytime I complained of a hard day or a rough bunch of students. He’d tell me I hadn’t put forth my best effort decorating the Christmas tree, but never offered a hand when I was decorating it. I hated weekends because he’s sit on his chair and watch TV, completely ignoring the kids and I, unless we interrupted, and then he’d yell at us. But Sunday night he’d be all lovey-dovey and try to get me to have sex with him, after making me feel invisible for 2 days. Over the years I have forgiven him for major stuff, like being arrested for breaking and entering, because he swore to me that he was going to be a changed man. He wasn’t. I’ve tried to tell him before that I was unhappy, and he threatened to kill himself if I left, so I stayed. But I was so sad and miserable. So I decided, with the help of a counselor, that you can’t control what others are going to do, and I worked up my courage, and I left him. And he tried to kill himself. Over doesed on insulin and then drove to a state park with lots of trails and wandered around out of it. Police. Ambulance. Park rangers. The whole 9 yards. He admits now that it was for attention and to try to get me to change my mind, but the things he said to me that day, and the position he put me in, in front of my students and coworkers, was extremely painful and devastating.

 

But now that he knows I want to divorce him, and that I have already filed, he is swearing again to be a better man. He wants to go to MC. He has started to go to church. He is acting like a different person. The problem is that I don’t love him anymore. He pushed me away, and I let him really because I was so unhappy, and so non-confrontational, for so long that I have no desire to be married to him or be intimate with him. But he says that as long as we are still married he has hope. (The divorce is not yet final)

 

Then I find your forums, and read all of the stories of rejection and how bad it hurts, and I feel terrible. I have had to quit seeing my counselor b/c it’s too expensive now that I am taking care of the kids alone (he is unemployed, to add insult to his injury) SO I don’t have anyone to bounce my confusion and guilt off of. My family says “get rid of that bum!” and they don’t see why I feel bad after being treated poorly for so long. I just don’t know if I have it in me to forgive ONE MORE TIME.

 

Anyway, I guess that is enough for my first post. Jen

Edited April 6, 2010 by twinsand1

[mimidarlin]

There...there twins...

 

Don't feel like you are obligated to forgive. Now that my STBX and I are on our way to divorce I look back at many things and think coulda woulda shoulda.

 

I can be difficult. I've had depression issues. I've had anger issues.

 

He's had issues of avoiding conflict. He tries to please everyone but himself.

 

But we can't undo things. I love him but he doesn't love me anymore. Even if he wanted to come back I don't know if I could get past the affair.

 

Sometimes our emotions are damaged beyond repair. We have feelings for the other person but we don't want to continue to have a relationship. You can't fix him. You know that but he doesn't yet. He thinks that being with you will make things better again. But he'll quickly return to his routine if you get back together.

 

Stay strong for yourself and your children. Try to find the person you used to be.

[You Go Girl]

You hear others depression over being left and you feel guilty...

oh dear, you are so the ENABLER.

Now you keep going on the path you are on, it's the right one.

Don't you think for a minute that he's truly changed--true change comes from within, not from pressure from others.

It is going to take him many years to learn to respect others. He obviously has none.

He's a sad sad man, that's what he is, and you are freeing yourself from the horrible burden.

You didn't create the monster part of him, you can't change it, and you can't cure it.

You need a 12 step program for abusees.

I really believe after hearing your story that you have put up with enough. There's a time to say enough is enough. He had plenty of time to show a little respect in the past, chose not to, and now thinks he can play you like a puppet on a string? NOT.

I'm really worried right now, worried that you are going to fall into his trap. Believe me, after appearing to change for awhile, if you go back to him now, he's eventually going to be more abusive than he ever was in the past.

It's just a ruse to get you back.

The work involved in learning to respect only comes from pain. If you alleviate that pain, no lesson learned. That pain will come from losing you for real.

It's the way life is. Lessons have to be learned.

Do you wish you could have the man that will come out of the pain of having lost you, somebody that would respect you?

Sure.

But there's no guarantee whatsoever that that man you wish for will ever exist in his lifetime.

More than likely, he won't do the work involved to become a decent person, instead he'll find another unsuspecting victim.

It's the easy way out. Most people will take it.

[twinsand1]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. Guilt is definitely my downfall....and I appreciate the honesty. It is amazing how I only touched the tip of the iceburg, but you can get from it how he has zero respect, for ANYONE. I know what I am doing is right. Physically I can tell the difference in myself (no more palpitations, stomach issues, headaches, etc) I just need to deal with the guilt. I will get there......

 

I like it here... I'm going to stick around!