how to take it?

[SamSam]

Boyfriend and I are both 20, have known each other since we were toddlers. starting dating in high school. it was one of those "first love" things, so sweet, happens only once in a lifetime things. we broke up when he left to college because I felt like I could not do a long distance relationship and he was testing his wings, trying out new things, and I didn't want to feel like I kept him from anything. Also, I was the only girlfriend he had had so I knew he may want to meet other girls and have other experiences; if we ever got back together, we would know we really wanted it and wanted each other.

 

flash forward three years: we have kept in touch, texting, fbooking, an occasional phone call to touch base. He did get a new girlfriend for 10 months. while they were dating he was still texting me, just to say hi and stay in touch. then he transferred back to our hometown and started attending the same college. I would see him on campus, say hey and give him a hug but would keep myself "removed" because I knew he was with this other girl who I happened to know, and she is a cool girl. Figured he and I were not meant to be.

 

suddenly, around the holidays, I get word "through the vine" he and this girl are having problems. (he is still doing the ocassional texting me but does not tell me anything about his relationship) then he breaks up with her. starts talking to me more, wants to hang out. at first I resist it, afraid to get caught up in the emotional aspect of it all, also wanted to wait it out awhile and see if they got back together. eventually I decide to just see how it goes. to make a long story short, our feelings for each other along with great chemistry all re-emerge, we started dating again after almost 3 months. (his ex had already found another guy one month after they broke up).

 

now, a few months later, we are doing great, awesome communication, I love him even more than I did before. our families are friends, they love me and mine loves him, share the same friends, etc its just great. out of the clear blue one day, he says he has texted and chatted with his exgirlfriend. at first I was like.. ok.. that's the way things are today, I will just have to be ok with him being friends with his ex. (she is still dating her new guy). then they start talking about meeting up and catching up on everything..

this is where I balk. why is that necessary? she's with her new man, he's with me, the past is over and need to focus on the present.. so why is it necessary to meet up? so I casually asked him if it was ok if I met up with one of the guys I dated last year and have lunch with him and caught up on everything.. he couldnt come out and tell me it was fine, got all uncomfortable and said it wasn't the same thing as his situation..why the hell not?

 

this past weekend he and I went to his family's camp on the river, spent the entire weekend with all of them, had an amazing time, never once argued, laughed and became even closer. we get back home, he tells me he is hanging out with a guy friend for some halo and I give him a hug and agree to see him the next day and I leave for the night. the next day we get together and he is all awkward. I question him gently and find out he texted his ex girlfriend again the night before and had talked to her again just before I arrived. she is wanting to meet up and he was asking me if that was ok. for some reason I lost it. went ballistic on him. asked him how was it possible we could have a weekend like we did, then as soon as he gets home he is texting her??? obviously she is still on his mind. I almost broke up with him because I will NOT share his mind/heart with another girl. if she was bugging him and initiating everything, that's different. but he has admitted he is texting her.

 

so last night, we had the most awful fight. I basically told him he needs to grow up, put the past behind him, decide what he wants with me, meet up with her and talk for CLOSURE, then just be friends with her but do not initiate convos and agree to meet up. he said he doesnt have feelings for her, only wants to be with me and would not talk to her anymore.

 

opinions? am i overreacting? what is this?

[confused and broken]

OHHH

Jealousy is the poison that kills relationships

Trust is the key ingredient in any relationship without it you are doomed

You need to stop being jealous!!!!!!!!!!!

You have two options

1. trust him (unless he cheats)...

If he is going to cheat he will weather you trust him or not... and it will come out so no need to spy

2. continue being the jealous gf and watch your relationship slowly disintegrate (as I said earlier jealousy is the poison that kills relationships)

[SamSam]

I understand that completely about jealousy killing a relationship.. but when I asked him if it was ok for me to do the same, hang out with an ex and catch up, he didnt want me to. ???

 

and I did say it was fine to be friends and all just dont initiate things with her.. that's too much to ask??

[confused and broken]

When you asked him if it was okay for you to do the same thing... You were doing that to make a point... you weren't randomly asking him because you genuinely wanted to see someone

 

I think it's okay to go as far as to tell him how his actions make you feel (without freaking out)... by the sounds of it you have already clearly explained how you felt a little irrationally

 

For example:

He says: is it okay if I meet up with this girl?

 

You say: I can't tell you who you can and can't hang out with, but I feel uncomfortable when you want to spend time with your ex girlfriend because I can't help but wonder why...

 

In all honesty he has agreed not to hang out with her which should make you happy sooo I would just leave it at that unless he brings it up again

than if you want to (these are just my opinions) you can take this advice

[SamSam]

I think your opinion is exactly right... I will just wait it out and see how it goes. I did apologize to him for going off on him and told him I would try to be patient and if he felt like he needed to talk to her to do it. just still struggling to understand why he feels like he needs to initiate contact with her. it's not like they were good friends before they dated, they just met and started dating. anyway, he says he is not talking to her anymore so we will see. what do i do if he initiates it and starts this all again? continue to allow it or...?

[cooldudeinberlin]

how do you know it only happens once in a lifetime? at 20 years old, you have barely begun to live beyond being a teenager and have no clue about what life has to offer you, no offense, but seriously... dont sell yourself so short... this is one of many experiences you will have... just pay attention to the things you can walk away with as a learning experience.

[SamSam]

What do you mean exactly by selling myself short? Are you saying I should walk away from this?

 

He and I have talked and we are still very shaky, he is telling me he should be able to text his ex if he wants to and is angry at me for putting him in that position. I have told him I was sorry, I will work on my trust issues, to go ahead and text her and do whatever..we will trust each other until we have a reason not to. He says he will not text her because he knows it will still make me mad, but continues to remind me that I was wrong.. yesterday he proceeds to tell me about a party he was at, how awesome it was, how he rode a jetski with a girl, said it in this almost defiant tone like he was testing me. I just let it go and said the party sounded like it was alot of fun. Then we go to a movie, he puts his arms around me and snuggles up for awhile, then pulls away and turns his back to me awhile, then takes my hand, then lets it go, and on and on. I just kept quiet and just did whatever he wanted. On the way home I tell him I hope he has a good week at work (he is doing an engineering internship an hour away and stays with his brother, comes home Thursday-Sunday) and I look forward to seeing him again soon. He then tells me he is going out of town this next weekend to visit his college buddies at the college he first attended. Staying the entire weekend and is "gonna be like the good ole fun college days I had there". So once again, I just smiled and said I knew he would have a blast and all of his friends would be happy to see him and I hoped it went well.

 

When I went to leave, he suddenly got really sad, grabs me in a long hug and wouldnt let go. Finally I left.

 

Today, we texted back and forth some, I was friendly and sweet, then he mentioned he had just ate a pile of lunch and was so full. I popped off and said "Fatty!! haha jk!" (this guy is rail thin and could not gain weight if his life depended on it) after that, it's been silence. He won't talk to me anymore. We usually call the other after work.. I called him and he didnt answer. Then he texted me and said "I'm eating..sorry :-/" I have yet to hear anything from him.

 

I am so weary and sad, tired of worrying about it. I am actually a pretty confident girl who has alot of friends and have had previous relationships.. people tell me I am very pretty so I know I am ok in the dating area and could eventually find someone else down the road. I am just so hung up on this guy and don't know what to do anymore. Do I keep doing what I'm doing and wait to see if it gets better or what?? People, talk to me!