LostIt2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 First post, seems like lots of experience and advice on here.... of which I have neither. I'm 28,my husband is 31. We started dating when I was 14, he was 18. He swept me off my feet, I've never kissed another man. He brought me out of my shell and made me feel wonderful. I love him with all of my heart, he is a part of me. We had our ups and down but I felt we were soulmates, he enjoyed each other and were very emotionally attached. We got married when I was 20, he was 24. The first few years of our marriage were happy. He has never been big on PDA, but he was affectionate just us. We struggled like anyone, he had a bit of a temper but it got better.. I have co-dependency issues, but we had each other and were happy. In 2004 we moved a couple hours away from our home town. I missed my family and friends and was not very happy. He did as well and was away alot with his job, looking back I feel our detachment started here. After a year we moved back home and began working out together and going out with our friends, I felt happy, he acted happy. We have always been intimate with each other, thought not a lot in public. Over the past three years we bought a house, I work and went back to college, he is also working full time. I think our detachment went from that to probably getting caught up in life. We have been married almost 8 years. We were content, but I feel we lost a little intamacy. but I still love him with all of me, and I thought he always thought of me as his girl. Our time together made me trust him completely, whole heartedly. He never came to me with any complaints. In September I noticied him acting different toward me, constantly being on his phone, short with me, etc. We detached even more. Finally after some arguements over a few weeks after thanksgiving on December 1st, I was at my wits end and said, "Do you even want me here?" He looked at me and told me he had an affair. Now, I was shocked. And the saying the truth comes out little at a time rings true here. He didn't tell me much in the beginning but over that month he told me more, that he felt we co-existed, hadn't been happy, felt we were more friends than lovers, he said he had feelings for this other woman and felt he was in love with her. I found out in January through being forwarded emails it is a girl whom I befriended last year, we became quiet close actually. she hung out with he and i all the time, we helped her through a bad breakup. she has 2 kids from 2 different dads, her last one she was pregnant with while the affair happened. I was livid to say the least, but I tried to be understanding. I know that I played my role in ignoring problems, and I'm not perfect either. Since January I have moved out and back in three times. each time i moved back bc he wanted me to saying things were more clear, each time i moved out it was bc he was talking to her and treating me basically like a piece of furniture. we lashed out at one another, we called missing each other, we have thought maybe its best we split, and in less than 24 hours saying we can't imagine life w/o each other. sometimes he says he wonders if he ever was in love with me, bc he is affectionate and feels different with this other woman. he has stayed with her when i was moved out, he has went on "dates" with her and i know of at least 2 weekend trips. i hate this other woman, my so called friend who i think was far from innocent in all this. but i have healed a bit and am trying to focus on me and what i should do about my husband and I. i have lost 20 pounds and my sanity most days through all of this. i am just begininng to feel a sense of ok again. my whole life and all i've known was ripped out from under me. my self confidence bit the dust. i've never hurt so much and been so angry in my whole life. i feel confused and lost, i don't know if i even understand what love is. I am a sweet, too sweet person who has her own demons. my husband is selfish but he is a good man. he admits its his fault and is torn/confused. i don't know where we went so wrong an how he just fell out of love with me when my feelings are so strong for him. currently i'm moved out but we are still talking. everytime i feel i get a foot under me he pulls me back just enough, but still can't say he 100% wants to end it with her. he is talking and seeing us both basically. i love this man so much, we have no kids but he is only person i know and who i want a future with. he says same thing about me, but in same sentence says he is scared we can't find that spark, that "in love" feeling he has with other woman. i think we can, but now i don't know. he is scared to loose me, and scared if he ends it with her and we can't fix things he'll be alone. yet he is scared of her baggage and they fight quiet a bit, he has called her cold and selfish... yet he says he is happy and has "in love" feelings with her he is scared he can't find with me. i've seen him a few times these past weeks, he invited me over to our old home tonight... i haven't been there in weeks. i'm nervous, but i want to fight to regain our love, and fight for that part of him that can't let go of me... i know it sounds stupid. maybe i'm naive about love. my head tells me its over, but my heart doesn't want it to be bc i feel we are so connected and i love him so much. he just saw her saturday. i have tried to take steps to walk away, i even filed for divorce. i student teach in august and i am in the process of transferring my stuent teaching 2 hours away, to move in with my sister as an attempt to heal. he doesn't want me to go he said, but he said a part of him wonders if its best bc he doesn't deserve me. he won't let me go, yet he won't commit to us either. i want to show him how much i love him, but its like he doesn't think its enough or its too late.. or it won't be like what he feels with her. i feel half crazed. 6 months we have been doing this back and forth dance. its been turmoil for him and completely broken my heart. but we both can't let go for a reason, yet he can't seem to let go of her either. i told him the only way i can move on or walk away is if he lets go, he said he can't. any advice i would be thankful for, sorry its so long. its a much, much shortened version of this 6 month hell we have been enduring. i feel like my head and heart are at war, and the sacrifice is going to be my sanity.
Fouts Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Even though it's a long story and your mega-post was just a condensed version, it's a simple relationship line that gets repeated again and again. HS sweethearts who don't know anything else but have grown apart. Both of you have no idea how to get on with your life without each other, because you've never been alone. You went from being raised by your parents to being co-dependent on each other. He took the first step to get away by having the affair. Obviously she's no prize, so he doesn't want to risk losing that umbilical to you over her. If you hang in there long enough, eventually a better opportunity will come along and he'll cut the umbilical to you. You'll probably be even more fed up by that point, but no less alone in the end. The only advice is what you really dont want to hear or do. Realize you've grown apart as adults and move on with your life. Accept the fact there's going to be a transition time and make the best of it by getting your life on track and your career started. It's tough advice, I know. But you will not be with this guy a year or two from now either way, so why not take control of the situation yourself?
Disintegration Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I know it is obviously rough on you since you've lost 20lbs in the process, I'm sure the stress is doing a number on you. He basically wants his cake and to eat it as well. He wants the best of both worlds. He wants both of you and when the going gets tough with one of you he switches to the other. He may be your first love but you most definitely deserve better than what he is delivering to you. I know you know this as well and it must be a very difficult thing to deal with when he is the only man you have ever been with since a young age. The good thing is you filed for a divorce and have no children, imagine how much more difficult it would be if you did have them together. I think the best thing for you to do is stop all communication with him and get that divorce finalized. They both had a part in the affair which is even worse because you befriended her and she didn't care and still went behind your back and was intimate with your husband. I think she is equally as wrong as he. It's good that you are focusing on yourself now and getting your life in order. You really just need to stop giving in to him by initiating no contact. It will allow you to heal and get over this mess he has caused. It isn't your fault he cheated, he could have expressed to you how he was feeling but instead he went and did the unimaginable which was betray your marriage. I know it is going to be tough but I guarantee you, this will be a learning experience and you will find someone that is better suited for you who will treat you even better! Stay strong, I have a good feeling you'll be all right!
2sunny Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 you can't begin to do a thing about your M and the healing that needs to start until your H goes completely no contact with his other woman. do not continue to stay in contact with him while he sees her... this only reinforces his bad behavior. where's his penalty? he gets to be in touch with both of you with no repercussions. make him uncomfortable. his discomfort will be a strong motivator for change in the long run. show him by your actions that he can't have both. IF he chooses to be in contact with her = he can't have you too. do not do the move in and out thing. he needs to earn you back by showing with his actions that he's finished with her and totally committed to you. do not make this easy for him - or he will think he can do it again and again. get counseling. serious counseling... it will help you.
Author LostIt2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 that's what my head says. thanks for the replies. my heart however is a force to be reckoned with. i believe in him and in love, maybe stupidly and at a high cost of myself. i don't understand how this happened. we were supposed to be forever. i know we love each other, i just don't understand a part of us both feel we have grown apart. a part of us both feel we are at fault and we could reconnect. but there is no for sure that we can. and he is still unable to end it with her... or me. i have been a cupcake through this for the most part. even he said no other woman would have handled this like i have. i feel so stupid and betrayed. a part of me doesn't really believe in love anymore. i really haven't talked to anyone but my sister about all this. i've holed up and shut people out. i don't want to give up on the person i'm in love with, but i've told him i don't know what he expects me to do. i've tried to move on, my steps always lead back to him. i still feel somewhere down deep we are worth saving, and our love can be stronger. some people say an affair made their relationship stronger. he tells me that he sees her, but he doesn't tell her about me. i've told him i started the divorce, which he has thrown in my face like i filed w/o telling him but i did not, i told him he was gonna have to be the one to follow through with it. if she knew that she would be furious he hasn't. has anyone ever recovered from something like this? i feel our love is there, but the "in love" part is all we are missing. i may be stupid or in denial or have false expectations or beliefs in love, but i feel like that part of him holding on is worth fighting for. i can not imagine not having him in my life. cutting all contact with him would be like sitting down and cutting off my own leg. if i don't fight and try with him, i'll always wonder what if. and if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just tell me that. i've given him every opportunity. i've been understanding and told him he needs to be happy and if that is without me, i understand that, i've tried to go so many times.... but he keeps pulling me back. i love him too much to say no. i've tried so hard. i'm tired and emotionally drained, i feel i'm just not strong enough. pathetic, i know.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 work off of his actions not words. his actions state that he has a gal that's a bigger priority than you. he's being very clear. you need to stop communicating with him - it tells him that you are ok with him treating you like second fiddle.
Fouts Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Well Lost, when these long drawn out high school love affairs reach their shelf life, unfortunately it's usually an even longer, drawn out painful end. It's easy to give the right advice, but we're also giving it knowing you're not going to take it. It well end eventually hun, and you'll feel even worse than you do now, but life will go on, things will get better, you'll have a new man in your life one day that you can't imagine how much better it is than what you had. Try to stop being a doormat, it's time to grow up and take responsibility for yourself, not wait around to see if this guy is going to quit screwing the local barmaid with 2 kids and fall in love with you again.
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