davids Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Unsure where to start, so im just going to start typing. My wife and I are one of the young couples who just 'went off and got married'. Everything was perfect. We were both happy everyday. Five months into our marriage, she seems sad, and not the same as she used to me. Sad in a 'i had all of these expectations of you, and you're not meeting them'. When shes sad, it changes the mood around our house, and then I just feel like im not good enough or something. I do everything I possibly can (no seriously, i do), I just cannot possible live up to 'movie standards' of romantic things that guys do. I would like to hear everyones opinion on that. Another short topic: Church. I'll be blunt. I am not religious, I do not believe in God. My wife on the other hand, is the opposite-I think. She has asked me, before we got married, 'Will you come to church with me?'. She knows what I believe. And I told her I would, but not every time. Well, apparently she took that as 'I will come every time'. Now, I do want to support my wife in what she likes, so I do. BUT if I mention that 'hey, I think I am going to sleep in this sunday', she will get upset, and wont even go herself. To me, it seems as if she only goes to church, because that is what her parrents EXPECT of her. If we dont show up together, they will become judgemental of me. Opinions? Questions? Thanks
confused and broken Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Did you go to marriage classes before the marriage (I can't remember the exact term) I think it might be a good idea to get some couples counseling An outsiders view because the two of you are too in it to be able to see clearly Have you sat down and said "I feel this way" NOT "You make me feel this way"? Do you both work, have hobbies, friends??? OR are you spending too much time together?? As for the church thing that is a something you should have clarified before the marriage... Now you need to be honest and say I will go to church this many times a month/year... Sorry if I misled you that wasn't my intention
mem11363 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Here is the deal: - Give more and - Be tougher about the things you won't give I go with my wife to church every single week - because it is roughly 1.5 hours a week and it really makes her happy. She doesn't "require" it or demand it but it really does make her happy that I go. With that said - there are things that she wants/expects that are not reasonable/practical/fair. And on those items I just say, "sorry you are disappointed I just can't do that" If she starts into the never ending list of bullsheet requests - which is actually quite rare - she risks getting a variant of "the talk" which goes like this. "You don't seem to be that happy when I am around - I think we need to spend less time together" and then I spend less time with her - and more at the gym/with friends etc. But if you get into a mode where you are jumping around whenever she says she isn't happy - she will gradually lose respect for you. Going to church isn't jumping it is being a good partner - IMO anyway. You can always do the what are 3 things you want me to do more of and 3 you want less of conversation but that conversation applies to BOTH OF YOU, not just you. Unless of course she is always the perfect partner. Unsure where to start, so im just going to start typing. My wife and I are one of the young couples who just 'went off and got married'. Everything was perfect. We were both happy everyday. Five months into our marriage, she seems sad, and not the same as she used to me. Sad in a 'i had all of these expectations of you, and you're not meeting them'. When shes sad, it changes the mood around our house, and then I just feel like im not good enough or something. I do everything I possibly can (no seriously, i do), I just cannot possible live up to 'movie standards' of romantic things that guys do. I would like to hear everyones opinion on that. Another short topic: Church. I'll be blunt. I am not religious, I do not believe in God. My wife on the other hand, is the opposite-I think. She has asked me, before we got married, 'Will you come to church with me?'. She knows what I believe. And I told her I would, but not every time. Well, apparently she took that as 'I will come every time'. Now, I do want to support my wife in what she likes, so I do. BUT if I mention that 'hey, I think I am going to sleep in this sunday', she will get upset, and wont even go herself. To me, it seems as if she only goes to church, because that is what her parrents EXPECT of her. If we dont show up together, they will become judgemental of me. Opinions? Questions? Thanks
Married_and_Lonely Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 (edited) How long did you two date before tying the knot? It sounds like you got married quickly while still in the lust stage and now that's starting to wear off (as is normal). The church issue is unfortunate because she probably married you hoping that if she could just get you to church you're heart would change and you'd want to be a Christian like she is. But it sounds like you're very firm in your disbelief of God, so I'm not sure that was a wise "gamble" on her part. I can relate to this because I grew up Baptist, went to church 3 times a week, participated in the Youth choir, went on Mission Trips, etc, etc. My wife grew up Methodist, attended about 10 times a year, and wasn't very involved. So of course after marriage we both became Methodists (LOL!) and we attend a couple times a month. It definitely makes the marriage a little easier if you both agree on religion, but not agreeing isn't necessarily a deal breaker. The big issue I see here is if you plan to have children, you two will have to agree on whether its important to you that they grow up going to church and having church influences. Otherwise the kids will be confused about why church is important to mommy but not daddy. Edited April 5, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely
mem11363 Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Firstly: Together 1.5 years before getting married. I flat out told her I was NEVER going to convert but would not interfere with her raising the kids in her religion. She almost didn't marry me over that - but ultimately went ahead. That was just over 20 years ago. As for the lust stage - while sex is certainly less frequent than the near daily connection we had for the first decade or so - I STILL have huge lust for her and she overall loves me enough that she gets joy from rocking my world several times a week. It is really hard to sustain intense/great sex without SOME amount of relationship excitement. And you really can't have excitement without a component of fear. And if you pick your spots - like I only really have two modes 1. 95% of the time I am in mode 1 which is: happy - positive - high level of cooperation fun to be around 2. 5% of the time I go into mode two - mainly because wife seems to WANT a certain amount of conflict - she claims it is cathartic - mode two starts with a question - and the question is some variant of "is this really important to you - because it sure is important to me" And that is a friendly warning. After that I don't get angry / loud - I get quiet - the happy/friendly vibe gets replaced with a very determined this is going to get resolved vibe. And then I don't really have much to say until we reach resolution. If she can persuade me she is right - than I apologize and we move on. But I pick my battles carefully - I never ever fight a 50/50 battle - if we are both equally right/wrong about something I immediately apologize and move on. If she wants to acknowledge her share of the blame later - that is up to her. But on firm ground - I am very hard to move. And my weapon of choice is thermal. Instead of the warm glow I normally radiate - I just keep dropping the emotional temperature - total indifference is the emotional equivalent of absolute zero. I am dead certain that if I didn't have conflict with her in that 5% - she WOULD lose her love / in love / desire for me fairly quickly..... Back to Church. If doing something 1.5 hours a week makes her happy the rest of the week - that is a no brainer. And frankly when on occasion she has a libido crash she spends an hour or so at least twice a week connecting with me physically because she knows that makes ME happy rest of the week. That is just common sense stuff. But the physical stuff is partly a physical thing - we have BOTH worked hard to stay fit - for ourselves and each other. How long did you two date before tying the knot? It sounds like you got married quickly while still in the lust stage and now that's starting to wear off (as is normal). The church issue is unfortunate because she probably married you hoping that if she could just get you to church you're heart would change and you'd want to be a Christian like she is. But it sounds like you're very firm in your disbelief of God, so I'm not sure that was a wise "gamble" on her part. I can relate to this because I grew up Baptist, went to church 3 times a week, participated in the Youth choir, went on Mission Trips, etc, etc. My wife grew up Methodist, attended about 10 times a year, and wasn't very involved. So of course after marriage we both became Methodists (LOL!) and we attend a couple times a month. It definitely makes the marriage a little easier if you both agree on religion, but not agreeing isn't necessarily a deal breaker. The big issue I see here is if you plan to have children, you two will have to agree on whether its important to you that they grow up going to church and having church influences. Otherwise the kids will be confused about why church is important to mommy but not daddy.
Married_and_Lonely Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 My comments were actually aimed at the OP (married in lust stage and church converting)... sorry for the misunderstanding MEM... but I still read your post and found it interesting.
waiting4marriage Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Firstly: Together 1.5 years before getting married. I flat out told her I was NEVER going to convert but would not interfere with her raising the kids in her religion. She almost didn't marry me over that - but ultimately went ahead. That was just over 20 years ago. As for the lust stage - while sex is certainly less frequent than the near daily connection we had for the first decade or so - I STILL have huge lust for her and she overall loves me enough that she gets joy from rocking my world several times a week. It is really hard to sustain intense/great sex without SOME amount of relationship excitement. And you really can't have excitement without a component of fear. And if you pick your spots - like I only really have two modes 1. 95% of the time I am in mode 1 which is: happy - positive - high level of cooperation fun to be around 2. 5% of the time I go into mode two - mainly because wife seems to WANT a certain amount of conflict - she claims it is cathartic - mode two starts with a question - and the question is some variant of "is this really important to you - because it sure is important to me" And that is a friendly warning. After that I don't get angry / loud - I get quiet - the happy/friendly vibe gets replaced with a very determined this is going to get resolved vibe. And then I don't really have much to say until we reach resolution. If she can persuade me she is right - than I apologize and we move on. But I pick my battles carefully - I never ever fight a 50/50 battle - if we are both equally right/wrong about something I immediately apologize and move on. If she wants to acknowledge her share of the blame later - that is up to her. But on firm ground - I am very hard to move. And my weapon of choice is thermal. Instead of the warm glow I normally radiate - I just keep dropping the emotional temperature - total indifference is the emotional equivalent of absolute zero. I am dead certain that if I didn't have conflict with her in that 5% - she WOULD lose her love / in love / desire for me fairly quickly..... Back to Church. If doing something 1.5 hours a week makes her happy the rest of the week - that is a no brainer. And frankly when on occasion she has a libido crash she spends an hour or so at least twice a week connecting with me physically because she knows that makes ME happy rest of the week. That is just common sense stuff. But the physical stuff is partly a physical thing - we have BOTH worked hard to stay fit - for ourselves and each other. Wow. I'm sure you saw my thread. It's stories like this that give me hope. Maybe if/when I get married, I can have a wife that will compromise with me and we can each keep each other happy. Thanks.
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