Who's Wrong?

[illask]

I am pretty adamant with my thoughts and decisions but I want to be rationale and want outside opinions.

 

Facts:

Me-26,GF-24

Dating 1 yr 7 Months

Both American, live in NYC

 

Situation:

Happened @ 1 yr point,

Shes attending her best friends Bday party. I don't want to fraternize too much with her circle, but I make an appearance @ the end to say hello and pick her up. Only there for no more than 10 mins. As I'm waiting I see her talking to a dude. I'm waiting there for at least 1 minute and I get a feeling about the way they are talking. He looked very confident in front of her. I felt like some history must have existed.

I left it alone. Didn't mention anything. I've noticed FB comments on old pics(before I knew her) by same dude. One day about 1 months after bday party. Shes waiting for me @ my job to have lunch. I look @ her phone. Text from dude saying are you going to a party?

I ask. Did you guys date. Answer yes. did you have sex. Yes.

I blew up and left her @ the restaurant.

I didn't understand why she kept in touch.

She tells me she loves me and never felt this way about anyone.

 

She informed me before we started dating shes had 3 previous partners.

I've had 6 before her.

 

Her past has really bothered me for a long time. I'm getting to a point where I feel like I want to be serious about the girls I am dating, heading towards building a family. And shes a great catch. But I'm starting to feel like I don't want to lock down a girl with much history. If any at all.

 

I've known girls with 30 partners but it didn't bother me. Since she is my GF 3 seems like too many.

I've told her I cant deal with her keeping contact even if he initiates it.

And shes said she will do what it takes, cut people off etc.

But for some reason I feel like nothing will make me happy.

It even seems like insult to injury that she is "complying". I dont want to be controlling and tell her "I DONT WANT YOU TALKING TO THAT GUY!" it seems insecure.

 

I just wish she naturally had no inclination to deal with him at all, even if it was FB, txt msg or call every 3 months.

 

But shes not that way: shes much more social and will entertain these things.

I wish she was more innocent, I could feel closer to her. I'm not sure I can look at her the same.

 

Do girls like this exist at my age? Should I be smart and hold on to her if shes a good catch. Or should I listen to my pride/mind and continue my search?Nothings promised.

 

I havnt been this confused/depressed for a long time.

[TaraMaiden]

If she wants to keep in touch with an ex, why shouldn't she?

As long as she has no intention of rekindling their relationship, then I don't see the problem.

My partner is in touch with two of his previous GF's and his ex-wife.

 

I do not have a problem with that at all, because he's with me, and there's no way he would ever betray my trust in that way.

Your attitude may have the opposite to the desired effect, thereby making your jealousy a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

You need to find out what her feelings for this guy are.

if it's just friends, (which is possible) then you have no right to interfere.

Your self-esteem and jealousy are both damaging to you, and illogical.

while I know it can seem suspicious, there are many people who do remain friends with their exes once the pain of their break is done and dusted.

Some can do it, others can't.

You need to deal with this......

[illask]

she has said she has no feelings at all for anyone from her past. and I objectively believe her. I make it my business to be objective about things like this.

i couldn't be with her if she did have feelings. I would be cheating myself.

thats not what im worried about. i guess my opinion of her is less that what I would like it to be. and I'm really trying to not break up with her, even tho a part of me says do it.

[TaraMaiden]

Then what ARE you worried about?

I'm sorry, but you're coming across as controlling, irrational and obsessive.

 

Exactly what IS your problem?

[illask]

i think I am obsessive. a little. not dangeriously like to hurt anyone. controlling..

i like certain important things done right. if they are not with what I have in mind I'll tell you.

if you dont like it. then we probably wont work. I'll compromise on a lot of things. but not this. this is too important.

tarra maiden. I was looking for more of Mens opinions on this. no offense. I dont think a women completely understands.

[rgs1400]

You said she's had 3 partners before you and that her past really bothers you...care to comment why? Since you've had double the amount of partners she's had previously, maybe your past bothers her too?

 

I know that's not at all an answer to the situation, I'm just curious to know a little more regarding those details and how much of a factor it really is in the relationship.

[make me believe]

Ugh! Guys like you really disgust me. Maybe you should go to therapy to help you get over your gross, hypocritical views about "innocent" women. Her past is HER past and it's ridiculous to get upset about her three partners when you've had six yourself. Not to mention that you hold women to different standards than men, since it is ok for you to have past sexual relationships but god forbid your girlfriend or any future girlfriends should enjoy sex with anyone but you!! Good luck finding this "perfect" virginal woman you're dreaming of.

 

I dont want to be controlling and tell her "I DONT WANT YOU TALKING TO THAT GUY!" it seems insecure.

 

Well, you ARE controlling and insecure so maybe you should just own up to it.

[TaraMaiden]

i think I am obsessive. a little. not dangeriously like to hurt anyone. controlling..

Even a little is not good, if it's not worked on.

From the little acorn, and all that.....

I'll compromise on a lot of things. but not this. this is too important.

 

I still don't know what 'this' is.... I'm guessing you're finding it hard to put your finger on it too....

TaraMaiden. (corrected)I was looking for more of Mens opinions on this. no offense. I dont think a women completely understands.

Oh on the contrary. I think a woman understands better than you think.

After all, you're judging and condemning this girl without her giving inpout here. Let's just say we're responding for her....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Who's Wrong

 

 

Uhhhhhhhhhh, it would be against Loveshack rules to print the appropriate response to what you've written.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Then what ARE you worried about?

I'm sorry, but you're coming across as controlling, irrational and obsessive.

 

 

But this is a step toward it...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ugh! Guys like you really disgust me.

 

 

... and this isn't far off either

 

 

(but alas, we still can't print the most appropriate replies while remaining within the rules here)

[You Go Girl]

Woah. Double standards alive and well?

Do you need to move to one of those countries where the women cover everything up and only have eye holes so they don't stumble on their own feet?

And only marry virgins?

And kill non married non-virgins off?

 

Because that's how ridiculous you sound.

You really need to listen to yourself. I mean hear yourself. Everybody's criticism is so ON.

[EricaH329]

I know you've asked for mens input, but i'd really like to understand this a little better. I'm also going to try and keep this very clean, considering i've yet to recieve an infraction and I don't want to start now.

 

You are 26. Do you expect to find another woman in your age range that is a virgin? If so... do you honestly think that if you did find a woman like that, that they would have sex before marriage?

 

I actually think you are lucky to find a 24 year old who has only had sex with 3 people. Does it bother you more that she slept with 3 people whom she had no feelings for? Or just the simple fact that she's had sex?

 

No offense, but this sounds a little rediculous. If you are able to find a woman that fits the standards you have mentioned, then I would love for you to update us. I would put everything in my life on hold to hear about that. But I can guarantee you it won't happen. Unless you are ok with not having sex before marriage.

[mark982]

her past is exactly that, her past. if you can't get past that then you got issues that need resolved. it seems like she's all but bent over to try and please you,can't understand what your problem still is.

[123BeachFan]

I'm seeing a few things here...

 

1) BIGGEST ISSUE - you are judging her because she's had 3 partners before you? Which is less than what you've had? And she tells you this early on, and NOW you seem to have issue about her "morality"? The big red flag here lands squarely on YOU. She's done nothing wrong.

 

2) You're snooping through her phone? Not good

 

3) You don't want to fraternize with her circle of friends. Why not? If you are in her life, you should get to know her friends too.

 

You are looking for a woman to control. You don't want a woman with her own mind and history because it's too threatening to you. And apparently a woman's opinion on your situation threatens you too.

[cooldudeinberlin]

dude, you gotta get a hold of yourself... 1.) you are a man, act like it... 2.) dont be so insecure... its emotional weakness 3.) understand that your jealousy and insecurity is only a horrible cousin of your ego... that is all... get that ego in check and shelve it.

 

another little tid bit:

 

if your GF didnt have all the positive and negative experiences (just like you and everyone) of the past, she wouldnt be the same person you are falling head over heels...

 

now brace yourself:

 

YES, she had a life before you... so did you... yes, she has been in love once... she has explored her sexual identity, she enjoyed it... same as you. BIG DEAL! be happy for her... and be happy that she had these experiences... stop treating her like a possession or that she is some delicate little flower, little sister or your daughter... encourage her growth, her free spirit and her honesty... YES, her honesty... you start freaking out about text messages, getting all paranoid, insecure and inconfident: two things will happen: she will inadvertantly start keeping things from you to keep you from getting hurt which eventually leads to hiding things from you in order to not deal with your immature emotional instability to out and out lying to you... to where there is no more respect for you at all and she will most likely leave you.

 

the other: you will become this possessive, insane jealous type that will turn her off majorily and make her sometimes feel threatened and even worried how you might react to this and that (and wonder if she could ever rely on you in a situation that really requires you to be calm, cool, collected and take charge/action).... result: she will leave you.

 

you should apologize for the childish blow up and leaving her at the restaurant (do you really want to drive her away... because this behavior will do it!)

 

sit down and talk with her... then maybe get some advice online or in books or whatever about dealing with the green eyed monster: jealousy... come to the understanding that trust is very important and you should encourage her to keep whatever friends or contacts she wants... after all, its none of your business who her friends are or what the nature of her past relationships are... understand? We all have histories....

 

good news: she is telling you how she feels... that you mean something to her that she has never felt or had before....

 

get over yourself, grow a pair or find them and be a strong, confident, secure man that can easily keep his emotions under control and be reliable, open, trusting partner.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I guess you've had more 'men's opinions', and... guess what?

They don't differ in any way from mine.

 

Permit me to ask, were you looking for some kind of masculine solidarity?

I'm sorry (if that was the case) that you didn't find it, but see, we're all of the same view.

 

you're being completely and totally unreasonable, because among other things, there is absolutely no rhyme, reason or justification for doing what you're doing.

 

So, either lose the attitude - or lose her.