Let's talk about the children!

[Spark1111]

It's unclear to what extent my father had an EA with the nanny when I was a small child. Perhaps he just looked at her with lust in his eyes. Perhaps he was just being attentive to her. Anyway, this seems to have been a turning point in their marriage. From this time on my mother has been weighing him down with guilt, using this as leverage to abuse my father throughout their married life. It has affected us children adversely.

 

It wasn't the affair as such, but my mother's reaction to it and consequent behavior that did the harm.

 

I can see this happening all too clearly. Even if not an affair, something like squandering family resources, or drinking too much or anything really where one partner harbors huge resentment towards the other can destroy the marriage and in the process, harm the children!

 

I just wanted to let OW/OM know that in SOME cases, the MM/MW might PRESENT themselves as all caring parents, but the MY reality was a distant, unhappy and uncaring spouse and father.

 

Jennie, as we are often shaped by our childhoods, do you think your experience made you more sympathetic to those who have affairs?

 

Because it sounds like you empathize with your father and the poor treatment he received at the hands of your mother?

 

OW, WF, you too.

 

I wonder what that impact might have been if your childhood empathy lied with your mother who was mistreated by a cheating husband.

[Snowflower]

Don't flame me on this posters!

 

But yes, there is a psychological correlation between having a parent who had an affair and having either one yourself, or marrying someone who would have a propensity for one.

 

Where is this psychological correlation? I'm genuinely curious where you found this information as I would like to read it.

 

I can understand the correlation to some extent, as least for my H. It was his mother who had an affair when my H was quite young. Her A caused his parents' immediate divorce and the complete upheaval of his childhood. The fallout was rough for my H and his siblings. One of his siblings had an affair in their own marriage...and it is apparent that this was a result of modeled behavior by their mother.

 

Many years later, my H has an affair. And now that I have a 'PhD' in romantic relationships from the Univ. of Hard Knocks , I can see the correlation between what happened in his parents' marriage and his decision to handle his own issues by having an A.

 

But neither of my parents had an A, to the best of my knowledge. So, I guess the correlation doesn't hold true for ME...because I married someone who apparently had the 'propensity' to do this.

 

Interesting theory though!

[jennie-jennie]

I can see this happening all too clearly. Even if not an affair, something like squandering family resources, or drinking too much or anything really where one partner harbors huge resentment towards the other can destroy the marriage and in the process, harm the children!

 

I just wanted to let OW/OM know that in SOME cases, the MM/MW might PRESENT themselves as all caring parents, but the MY reality was a distant, unhappy and uncaring spouse and father.

 

Jennie, as we are often shaped by our childhoods, do you think your experience made you more sympathetic to those who have affairs?

 

Because it sounds like you empathize with your father and the poor treatment he received at the hands of your mother?

 

OW, WF, you too.

 

I wonder what that impact might have been if your childhood empathy lied with your mother who was mistreated by a cheating husband.

 

What was really crazy in my situation was that while we never saw any tendencies of my father cheating (this incident with the nanny was when I was very small), my mother has had continuous EAs throughout the years. Yet that incident with the nanny has been brought up every now and then (even one Christmas Day not so long ago ).

 

I don't think my family background has anything to do with how I view affairs. My cultural background does, but not my family background.

 

I did/do emphasize with my father since he was my stable emotional support during my childhood, whereas my mother was very instable and abusive. The EAs my mother had just became part of the general pattern of abuse.

[jennie-jennie]

Don't flame me on this posters!

 

But yes, there is a psychological correlation between having a parent who had an affair and having either one yourself, or marrying someone who would have a propensity for one.

 

Dysfunctional family patterns, really doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you choose a dysfunctional family pattern.

 

One role a child in a dysfunctional family can take is being the hero. Hello MM!

 

You can become a workoholic, bulimic, alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, you name it.

 

My MM's siblings have been/are drug addicts and compulsive gamblers. My MM has been the one who "has done the right thing" all his life. Looks like it has finally caught up with him now!

 

Unfortunately, what he is still teaching his kids is "to do the right thing". So I wonder how many of them will end up in affairs, unless my MM sets an example by solving his own issues.

[OWoman]

Because it sounds like you empathize with your father and the poor treatment he received at the hands of your mother?

 

OW, WF, you too.

 

I wonder what that impact might have been if your childhood empathy lied with your mother who was mistreated by a cheating husband.

 

Interesting question, Spark!

 

As a kid I wasn't close to either parent - I thought my father was a wuss for withdrawing and not standing up to my mother, and I thought my mother's martyrdom act was beyond the pail, a denial of her agency and responsibility. They were the authors of their own unhappiness, and their refusal to address the situation and do anything to make it better for ANY of us infuriated me and filled me with simmering resentment.

 

It was only when I was older, having been away from their house for many years, that I was able to gain sufficient distance to view them more sympathetically, as two rather limited people trying to do the best they could without a clue, rather than as Bad People.

 

I wonder if my later empathy with my father resulted from my own experience of As, having had intimate dealings with MMs (though the situation there was quite different, as I wasn't wanting these MMs to leave their Ms, and in fact when a couple of them did, I dumped them pretty quickly... )? IDK, it's not something I'm conscious of. My choice of partners has never reflected my parents (my H has the same colouring as my father, and the same height, but beyond that there's no resemblance other than gender; my xH was the same height, had the same hair colour, and the same gender - but that was it. Other BFs similarly had nothing in common - one had had a related career in common, another wore the same shoe size, but ito attitudes, behaviour, values or histories, none had anything in common with either of my parents) and since my values are still diametrically opposed to theirs on pretty much everything that matters, it's unlikely that there would be many points of intersection.

 

Would my kids be likely to have As? Who knows. My D had a string of unsuitable BFs, and is now in a happy LTR with a younger GF; my son has recently stepped back from a R that was getting too serious too quickly with a wonderful and very grounded GF. No As yet... but there's still time for that, I guess

[OWoman]

Don't flame me on this posters!

 

But yes, there is a psychological correlation between having a parent who had an affair and having either one yourself, or marrying someone who would have a propensity for one.

 

My H's background is interesting, on that issue. His mother left his father and remarried when he was very young. I asked if an A had prompted her leaving and subsequent (quick) remarriage, but he responded with shock - it wasn't something he'd ever considered. (Oddly enough, every time I've wanted to ask her this, we've been interrupted, so am still none the wiser!) His father never remarried - but did go on to become the OM (with the H's permission) in a LTR which began in my H's teens (IIRC). We're still very close to his father's GF, though his father has passed on. More recently - not long before he died - his father did have a fling with an OW; his GF was not too happy about it (it wasn't a secret) but it was brief and she knew his heart really lay with her.

 

My H's lovelife had also started out rather unconventionally - he was barely legal (if he was legal - I'm hazy on the exact timing) when he was hit on by this sophisticated older woman... who, once she'd ensnared him, neglected to mention that she was M... until her BH showed up one day and threatened to beat him up unless he backed off! Being young and naive, he believed the BS she spun him about being abused, needing him to rescue her, etc - and got completely enmeshed in what went on to become a long and horrible R / M (once she'd dumped the BH) that DID become abusive - only she was the abusesr!

 

Was his willingness to stay the OM (once he discovered that he was) conditioned by his father's role as OM? Was his A several decades later similarly enabled by his parents' Rs? (Or perhaps just by the knowledge that his xW wasn't that into fidelity herself!) Clearly his parents' attitudes on such matters were very relaxed - early on in the A, before he'd said anything to his family, his father was having a chat with him, concerned at his chronic unhappiness, and suggested that he find "someone else" - at least on the side, if he couldn't bring himself to dump the xW. H was very surprised, and told his father about me - leading to his insistence that we be introduced. (His GF promptly rang his mother after the meeting, to tell her how "lovely" I was, and how happy she was that he'd finally found someone suitable - leading to his mother being grumpy that she hadn't yet been introduced to me, or even told about me! So a big family do was staged, where I had to meet EVERYONE - ulp!)

 

His kids are pretty relaxed about such things too. Recently his son started a new R before he'd canned the last GF - though he did say he wouldn't allow that to carry on too long "as things get horribly complicated, and you have to deal with really bad tempers!"

 

But perhaps social attitudes are just more relaxed around here among the circles we move around in, generally, and family histories are just reflecting that?

[Spark1111]

Interesting question, Spark!

 

 

 

It was only when I was older, having been away from their house for many years, that I was able to gain sufficient distance to view them more sympathetically, as two rather limited people trying to do the best they could without a clue, rather than as Bad People.

 

My dad was a kind, somewhat neglectful, benevolent alcoholic. My mother grew depressed and had a nervous breakdown of which she never fully recovered.

 

When i was older, I realized as you did: two polar opposite people who at one time, truly loved each other but grew apart and could never seem to be on the same page. Without a clue as to how to make it better.

 

Could my father have cheated? Absolutely! But in their particular situation I do not see how I could have held it against him.

 

 

Would my kids be likely to have As? Who knows. My D had a string of unsuitable BFs, and is now in a happy LTR with a younger GF; my son has recently stepped back from a R that was getting too serious too quickly with a wonderful and very grounded GF. No As yet... but there's still time for that, I guess

 

I just want my children to choose wisely and well. Marriage and LTRs are hard enough to sustain.

 

 

Being young and naive, he believed the BS she spun him about being abused, needing him to rescue her, etc - and got completely enmeshed in what went on to become a long and horrible R / M (once she'd dumped the BH) that DID become abusive - only she was the abusesr!

 

No offense meant here, but I think you are describing my fWS's OW.

 

Was his willingness to stay the OM (once he discovered that he was) conditioned by his father's role as OM? Was his A several decades later similarly enabled by his parents' Rs? (Or perhaps just by the knowledge that his xW wasn't that into fidelity herself!)

 

That certainly could be a factor, if no one in the relationship has been faithful.

 

 

Recently, Meryl Streep, while receiving yet another acting award, said "I'd like to thank my parents, whose 60-year marriage has taught me ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I needed to know about drama!"

 

Hahaha...love it!

[White Flower]

Well I find it odd and a little bit of a coinsidence that I am now married to one too... I was reading about it the other night and my IC talked about it once..that you look for someone (without really thinking about it) who has some of the same characteristics that your parents have.. does this make sense at all? I just find it intresting.

This is a well known phenomenon.

 

Because it sounds like you empathize with your father and the poor treatment he received at the hands of your mother?

 

OW, WF, you too.

 

I wonder what that impact might have been if your childhood empathy lied with your mother who was mistreated by a cheating husband.

Just because I defend my cheating father for 'doing the right thing' and leaving for his OW doesn't mean I didn't empathize with my mother. My mother WAS mistreated by my father and I sided with her for years.

 

I would wake up in the middle of the night because I could hear her sobbing. I'd follow the sound into a dark livingroom and ask her if she needed a hug. She was crying because my dad hadn't come home and she knew where he was. I had loads of empathy for her, and like I said ealier I couldn't stand my dad for doing this to her.

 

Like OWoman, it took years for me to look inward to find answers but not until after lashing out at him outwardly. I went through many of the struggles you suggest kids will experience when a parent has an A. I am only here to say that they WILL get over it and may learn valuable insight in the process, the process being ongoing.

 

Much later, after my dad ended up living with OW, I saw a different man. He was happier, calmer, more settled. I finally saw that however he met her, started up with her, whatever, they were better for each other than my parents were. God I loved my mother, but she just didn't bring out the best man in my dad. No amount of empathy on my part (for my mother) could change my POV on that now.

 

Dysfunctional family patterns, really doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you choose a dysfunctional family pattern.

 

One role a child in a dysfunctional family can take is being the hero. Hello MM!

 

My MM's siblings have been/are drug addicts and compulsive gamblers. My MM has been the one who "has done the right thing" all his life. Looks like it has finally caught up with him now!

 

Unfortunately, what he is still teaching his kids is "to do the right thing". So I wonder how many of them will end up in affairs, unless my MM sets an example by solving his own issues.

Hello! (Same in the case of my MM).

 

(Oddly enough, every time I've wanted to ask her this, we've been interrupted, so am still none the wiser!) His father never remarried - but did go on to become the OM (with the H's permission) in a LTR which began in my H's teens (IIRC).

What is IIRC?