Let's talk about the children!

[Snowflower]

Thank you TG. I am sure my children would agree with you. We are all working hard to heal from my fWS's 1.5 year affair with a co-worker.

 

Today, I am most angry at my spouse for the pain this caused my children. They adored him and thought him an honest man. They were admired by their peers for our family life: we were always considered kind and compassionate to others; our marital relationship was spoken highly of by their friends.

 

No one saw this coming.

 

It will remain the single most self-destructive act he ever did in the eyes of his children. I see them wrestle with reconciling the father they thought they had with the man who had a long-term secret affair and treated us miserably during it to assauge his own guilt.

 

We have had honest conversations about it, as a family, and he will have to make ammends to them for the rest of their lives.

 

Do they love him? Of course they do. Have they forgiven him? Yes, I believe they are in varying stages of forgiveness.

 

But it will never be the same for them. Because he had to be a Knight in Shining Armor for his damsel in distress, he can never go back to being their Knight in Shining Armor.

 

This breaks my heart and probably will forever. I pray you and my own heal from this.

 

This is so sad, Spark.

 

But, please keep in mind that time heals all wounds. Trite, but true!! Hopefully the pain their father caused will begin to fade for your children.

 

My fWH told our teenage children the same day he confessed to me. I still have very mixed feelings about him doing this. But, I look at it as it's his relationship with them, not mine. I don't mean that in a condescending way. But he does have his own relationship with them, outside of the relationship I/we share with our children. Just like I have my own relationship with my children.

 

I don't know all of what he shared with them except that he told them that what he did was very wrong. I refused to speak with either of my children about that conversation, other than the barest minimum of details. I don't even want my children to have to think of it.

 

It is my best hope that my children will learn some big life lessons as they watched their parents' marriage implode. Someday, perhaps before they each get married, I/we will sit with each of them and explain the painful lessons my H and I had to learn about relationships. Perhaps they will avoid the same mistakes. Maybe they will be spared the same pain because they will be more aware of how much an A can hurt a family. Perhaps their children will be spared. I don't know.

 

So spark, maybe in time your children will have regain some peace and forgive their father. Perhaps they won't make the same mistake in their own marriages-or be cognizant enough to try to affair-proof their own marriages. Maybe they won't blithely assume-like we did-that it would never happen to them.

[bentnotbroken]

Come on, it's not like he committed a murder! I think the fact that you depict him so intensely as someone who did something so very wrong, increases the chance that at some point he will do it again. Noone wants to be described as the bad guy eternally.

 

If your relationship was so perfect as everybody thought it was, this would not have happened.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, their dad did not commit a crime. He did something which was not very wise and not constructive. They got a reality check: nobody is perfect and we are all human.

 

 

As far as my children are concerned their dad did commit a crime. A crime against not just our family but OW's family(H, children, extended family), against marriage and most of all against God. My children didn't need a reality check on life, they needed someone who could show them the right thing to do in a world full of things that are wrong.

 

They got lip service about honor, respect, dignity and morals when actuality he wasn't living up to what he was trying to teach them to do and say. They know he is human. They also know he lied to them, me and our family and friends. In their eyes they leads to the question about what constitutes a "good father". Is is someone who makes mistakes and does any and everything in his power to correct them and never repeat them? Or is it someone who lies, deceives, gas lights for a number of years and a number of A's? Is a good father who for years can carry on deception and live a life that no one he claims to love knows about? Is a good father(or mother) someone who willingly will hurt another family much like their own, for whatever the justification is at the time? Is a good parent one that can separate the life they really live with the life they try to teach their children.

 

It takes a lot of time and energy to carry on an A, let alone one that lasts for years or numerous A's. What does that say about someone who can successfully do that? What's their thought process? I dare say it isn't one of being a good parent. It takes more than giving baths, playing with a child, or going to the park to be a good parent. It takes living by example. It takes showing them how to be the person you want them to be. If we believe that children only hear what we say and not watch what we do, were fools at best and a waste of human flesh at worst. Whether the children ever really put two and two together....I don't know. Some do and never speak of it. Some are oblivious (thank God), still others imitate behavior.

 

I see it posted all the time that cheating has nothing to do with parenting, yeah right. Every aspect of our lives has to do with parenting. My depression affected my parenting. Didn't mean I didn't love them, it meant I wasn't the most effective that I could have been because the lack of attention and my selfish pity parties. It means that they got the short end of the stick. They got that short end from Mr. Messy too when he looked them in the face and lied to them that he was going on a business trip but he was screwing around.

 

They got that short end when they realized all the things that they had been punished for(lying, stealing or just ignoring the boundaries we had set) he never respected and never adhered to them. So yes, a crime was committed. Against the trust and honor of what a parent should be.

[Spark1111]

Yes, Snowflower, that is my hope.

 

And I believe that they NOW see how hard we work to keep our relationship stronger than it has ever been.

 

And I hope they take that lesson to heart too! I know it can be a rarity to succesfully reconcile after infidelity, and I know they are observing us all the time, especially me.

 

I feel I am being constantly assessed by them to make sure I am as happy as I appear and I am.

 

And you are right and I realized it immediately; he is responsible for his relationship with his children as I am for mine.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Walk in the park, There are days where I wish my dad would have just robbed a bank or sold drugs because I don't think that would have done as much damage to me mentally as finding out that my dad had a secret life FOR YEARS..

 

My issues with trust and looking at men a certain way are very hard to get over but it doesn't make me any less of an adult:rolleyes:

[Spark1111]

As far as my children are concerned their dad did commit a crime. A crime against not just our family but OW's family(H, children, extended family), against marriage and most of all against God. My children didn't need a reality check on life, they needed someone who could show them the right thing to do in a world full of things that are wrong.

 

They got lip service about honor, respect, dignity and morals when actuality he wasn't living up to what he was trying to teach them to do and say. They know he is human. They also know he lied to them, me and our family and friends. In their eyes they leads to the question about what constitutes a "good father". Is is someone who makes mistakes and does any and everything in his power to correct them and never repeat them? Or is it someone who lies, deceives, gas lights for a number of years and a number of A's? Is a good father who for years can carry on deception and live a life that no one he claims to love knows about? Is a good father(or mother) someone who willingly will hurt another family much like their own, for whatever the justification is at the time? Is a good parent one that can separate the life they really live with the life they try to teach their children.

 

It takes a lot of time and energy to carry on an A, let alone one that lasts for years or numerous A's. What does that say about someone who can successfully do that? What's their thought process? I dare say it isn't one of being a good parent. It takes more than giving baths, playing with a child, or going to the park to be a good parent. It takes living by example. It takes showing them how to be the person you want them to be. If we believe that children only hear what we say and not watch what we do, were fools at best and a waste of human flesh at worst. Whether the children ever really put two and two together....I don't know. Some do and never speak of it. Some are oblivious (thank God), still others imitate behavior.

 

I see it posted all the time that cheating has nothing to do with parenting, yeah right. Every aspect of our lives has to do with parenting. My depression affected my parenting. Didn't mean I didn't love them, it meant I wasn't the most effective that I could have been because the lack of attention and my selfish pity parties. It means that they got the short end of the stick. They got that short end from Mr. Messy too when he looked them in the face and lied to them that he was going on a business trip but he was screwing around.

 

They got that short end when they realized all the things that they had been punished for(lying, stealing or just ignoring the boundaries we had set) he never respected and never adhered to them. So yes, a crime was committed. Against the trust and honor of what a parent should be.

 

 

Bravo Bent!

 

It is not what you say, it is what you do and how you act that exemplifies proper parenting.

 

Staying for the sake of the children, while you lie, sneak and betray, is the height of hyprocrisy, IMO.

 

And a beautiful excuse to boot!

 

Because apparently, it works well. It works really, really well when you get your AP to believe that delusional excuse as well.

[Spark1111]

Walk in the park, There are days where I wish my dad would have just robbed a bank or sold drugs because I don't think that would have done as much damage to me mentally as finding out that my dad had a secret life FOR YEARS..

 

My issues with trust and looking at men a certain way are very hard to get over but it doesn't make me any less of an adult:rolleyes:

 

Thank you for this, Jonesy!

 

If WITP can find one adult whose parent had an affair on their other parent claiming it was the best thing that ever happened to them in their childhood, I will eat my hat.

 

From my experience, it seems to be the worst thing a child can experience in their parent's marital experience.

 

Drugs, crimes, depression, pale in comparison.

 

Why?

 

Because an affair is so intentional and so hurtful to the other parent.

[White Flower]

I think staying for the kids is a cop out.

I chose to leave because of my kid. Having my kid see a H not choosing to love his W - and me not loving my H, the hatred, the arguing. This is NOT good for any child to be in the middle of.

 

For a child to be in the middle of an A is mean, plain and simple. I have tried to shield my child from most of this. The hardest part? I still feel like I am living two lives - one with my AP, and one with my child.

 

My child is loved by me and my xH. Hard part is the x and I have the hardest time even speaking.

 

I also think it is a cop out for OM/OW to say they are staying for the house, life, etc. Most will never leave, because their lives are not that bad. They are missing something - maybe the rush of a new love, passion, emotions. Funny thing, in 'most normal' marriages - you should be able to find this again. Yes - it takes work, but I think it can be done. My situation? it was doomed, but I do have faith in other peoples lives and marriages.

I could have posted the same thing MB!

 

Thank you TG. I am sure my children would agree with you. We are all working hard to heal from my fWS's 1.5 year affair with a co-worker.

 

Today, I am most angry at my spouse for the pain this caused my children. They adored him and thought him an honest man. They were admired by their peers for our family life: we were always considered kind and compassionate to others; our marital relationship was spoken highly of by their friends.

 

No one saw this coming.

 

It will remain the single most self-destructive act he ever did in the eyes of his children. I see them wrestle with reconciling the father they thought they had with the man who had a long-term secret affair and treated us miserably during it to assauge his own guilt.

 

We have had honest conversations about it, as a family, and he will have to make ammends to them for the rest of their lives.

 

Do they love him? Of course they do. Have they forgiven him? Yes, I believe they are in varying stages of forgiveness.

 

But it will never be the same for them. Because he had to be a Knight in Shining Armor for his damsel in distress, he can never go back to being their Knight in Shining Armor.

 

This breaks my heart and probably will forever. I pray you and my own heal from this.

Be careful Spark. It would appear that they are on the road to forgiveness, but will you allow them to fully forgive?

 

Did your parents divorce because of this affair? Did your mother not manage to forgive him? That is kind of strange if their marriage was OK at that point.

It is not black and white. The cheating parent might betray the one who does not cheat but maybe it is impossible for the cheating one to talk openly about what he feels. There are marriages who are destroyed by avoidance of conflict.

 

As far as my own parents are concerned, I truly regret that they never divorced. I know my mother would have been a lot happier.

I agree in my case as well.

 

I think that my xMM is the living proof that people sometimes stay for their kids. His reason for staying: he does not want to break up his family, does not want to hurt his kids and does not want to hurt his W. His sense of responsiblity is too big. Is he passionately in love with his W? No. Would he date his W if he would be a free man? No.

But he does not detest his W, they get along for a lot of practical things and the kids. So he stays and hopes to find back the passion for his W.

 

I'm sure that if he did not have kids, he would have been out of there already a long time. But that does not mean he is right now not a good father and family man.

I know for a fact that my MM never missed a soccer game, a track meet, a field trip, or anything else in his kids' lives. His job made it so he had LOTS of time to spend with OW in his cheating career. I am not here to sing the praises of cheating men; I am here to say that not all of them become 'bad fathers' for having cheated.

 

Last summer my MM received a wedding anniversary card from his adult daughter saying THANK YOU for demonstrating what a good M is and that she hoped to have the same kind of M for herself in the future. From her POV, this is very touching. She knew of one OW and saw him get counseling and remain M. She forgave fully. The point I am trying to make is adult children of cheating fathers DO forgive. He is STILL her knight in shining armour. Not all cheating dads are bad dads. Just ask their adult children.

WalkInThePark,

 

Then pray his wife and children NEVER discover your existence.

 

Because then he will never ever be considered a good family man again.

 

We have two adult children post here whose father's affair has hurt them for life.

 

Good father? Ask the children.

Ask me. My father cheated and he was the best father in the world to me. Just because he fell in love with another woman doesn't mean he didn't provide for us, love us, spend time with us, and guide us. I cannot discount any of those things merely because he had an A. I hope you are not infuencing your children to never see their father as a good family man again. My mother never did.

 

And how did your children learn of your H's A? Didn't you announce it at Thanksgiving Dinner? If I am wrong, please accept my sincere apology. It may have been another poster. But if you did, why did you drag them into it if you knew the consequences (of the way they view their father) would be 'lifelong'?

 

A good parent doesn't disparage the other parent in front of the children.

 

Hurt them for life? That's because they want to be hurt for life. I am surprised that you say that they are adults because adults should be able to have a view which is a bit more balanced. The fact that your H had an affair does not make him a bad father if he has for the rest given enough love to this kids.

Enough said. It is all about choices. We CHOOSE to not forgive, to not 'ever' get over it.

 

That's right. We are all human.

 

And I, as their mother, am here to assert this was a reality check (wow, how minimized) they did not need and didn't deserve and which will continue to cause them pain for the rest of their lives, right TG and chevo?.

 

I will repeat this for the 1000th time.

 

It is NOT that he developed feelings for another; it is that he lied about them for so long, minimizing us, demeaning us, resenting us, so he could continue justifying seeing her in secret. All the while selling her with what a great family guy he was and why it wasn't the right time YET to leave us and be with her.

I agree, he should have been honest when you confronted him with suspicions because then you not only felt cheated, but humiliated for being duped when he had the chance to come clean. I wonder if THIS is the reason you don't fully forgive?

Did problems develop in our marriage? Absolutely, of which I have always taken my fair share of blame.

 

But his choice to cheat? That's all on him. And I am here to tell of the lifelong consequences of that very poor, selfish and self destructive choice.

 

I love him. I forgave him. Our marriage is back to wonderful.

 

But his children? No, they will never view this wonderful family man the same way they did pre-affair.

 

And that's the reality of the situation.

Spark, I would strongly caution you to use language such as 'never' 'ever' and 'lifelong' because that is a very long time. Does your H know you speak like this?

 

Spark, he cheated and he finally confessed. He dumped the OW for YOU and has done the work to repair the M. He has reignited that SPARK that keeps the M alive and happy today. Don't ruin it, ruin HIM, by using language such as never, ever, and lifelong. I post this with tears on my cheeks Spark. You have the power to influence your children to LET go and forgive for good. Because forgiveness IS for good.

 

He came back Spark. In doing this, your H DEMONSTRATED how to repair a M. He SHOULD be seen as a knight in shining armour to your kids. It is not EASY to stay and do the work, especially given that he had feelings for someone else at the time. Let go Spark. Fully let go. And let your children see that demonstration of true forgiveness. You are SO close to truly healing.

 

Walk in the park, There are days where I wish my dad would have just robbed a bank or sold drugs because I don't think that would have done as much damage to me mentally as finding out that my dad had a secret life FOR YEARS..

 

My issues with trust and looking at men a certain way are very hard to get over but it doesn't make me any less of an adult:rolleyes:

BEJ, you are young. I felt much like you did when I discovered my dad's affair. You will heal, especially if you want it. I know you need it.

 

Thank you for this, Jonesy!

 

If WITP can find one adult whose parent had an affair on their other parent claiming it was the best thing that ever happened to them in their childhood, I will eat my hat.

Best thing that happened? That is an exaggeration. But I will say that I learned so much and became close to so many people in my life that I never would have had my fahter's A not happened. I learned that our parents are not super heros. I learned that no matter how much one prays, the prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be. I learned that God is not what I make him, but one who makes me what he wants me to be. I learned to love like I have never loved. I learned to forgive like I have never forgiven. I have learned to cry for those who will never know I cried for them or prayed for them. I have developed Rs that came my way unexpectedly like that of a step mother and step brother. I have learned to blend my life with them in good times and in bad and am better for the experience.

 

I would not have chosen it, but I can't say it wasn't the best experience for me. In fact, it was a good one.

From my experience, it seems to be the worst thing a child can experience in their parent's marital experience.

 

Drugs, crimes, depression, pale in comparison.

 

Why?

 

Because an affair is so intentional and so hurtful to the other parent.

Intentional? Taking a pill is intentional, drinking is intentional, and crimes are intentional. A sex addict getting his fix is intentional. They all hurt us.

 

Spark, the affair was bad, I get it. You are ALMOST over it. Please, for your sake, your KIDS sake, and most of all, your HUSBAND'S sake, let this go. He so wants to be the knight in shining armour to you and the kids, but as long as you keep using language as 'never, ever, and lifelong', he can't truly be.

 

Hug him for me today. Tell him he is your hero. Say it in front of your kids.

[Spark1111]

WF, you know me too well to ever think I would say a disparaging word about this man ever in front of our children.

 

Remember, I was the one who told our children that if this is the woman your father loves, she deserves respect from all of you, and I meant it!

 

I did not tell them. My oldest daughter intuited it, asked me and I told her the truth. They rallied around the both of us.

 

And yes, they love him and are in varying stages of forgiveness. Hell, when I decided to recommit to the reconciliation, we HAD to discuss how we needed to all heal.

 

And we will.

 

However, I think it needs to be noted that while the BS has to grieve the marriage he/she thought they had, so do the children.

And as a devoted mother, my children's pain causes me pain, maybe more than my own.

 

He is a better man and father today, and we are all proud of his efforts. Our love for him was never in question, only our memories.

 

I started this thread because I believe little thought is given to the children when one embarks on an affair. Just as it is hoped that the spouse never finds out, I am sure it is most passionately hoped that the children do not.

 

But sometimes they do, and the consequences can be equally and sometimes more painful than your spouse's anger and pain.

[White Flower]

WF, you know me too well to ever think I would say a disparaging word about this man ever in front of our children.

 

I didn't think you had, but was stating a general belief.

Remember, I was the one who told our children that if this is the woman your father loves, she deserves respect from all of you, and I meant it!

 

I did not tell them. My oldest daughter intuited it, asked me and I told her the truth. They rallied around the both of us.

 

And yes, they love him and are in varying stages of forgiveness. Hell, when I decided to recommit to the reconciliation, we HAD to discuss how we needed to all heal.

 

And we will.

 

However, I think it needs to be noted that while the BS has to grieve the marriage he/she thought they had, so do the children.

And as a devoted mother, my children's pain causes me pain, maybe more than my own.

 

He is a better man and father today, and we are all proud of his efforts. Our love for him was never in question, only our memories.

 

I started this thread because I believe little thought is given to the children when one embarks on an affair. Just as it is hoped that the spouse never finds out, I am sure it is most passionately hoped that the children do not.

 

But sometimes they do, and the consequences can be equally and sometimes more painful than your spouse's anger and pain.

I get that the BS and the children need to grieve the M (and memories) they thought they had. An excellent point.

 

Spark, I was chatting with an LS friend over the phone today and he brought up how many BW seem to be seething with anger over the OW instead of lashing out at the one who took vows with them. I was going to say that you were the exception, but before I could get a word out he said, 'But there is one...who is it?...Spark, oh yeah, Spark is quite reasonable and has a lot of heart.' I said oh yes she does.

 

Not only is your H lucky to have you, but your children are lucky as well. I am very happy that you are all healing.

[Owl]

Way back in history...on our d-day...

 

When I confronted my wife with the 'proof' of her EA...OM bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him...even though they had never met in person.

 

Needless to say, I was floored.

 

So this was on a Tuesday, and happened while our teenaged kids were all in school. Her flight was for the upcoming Friday. I told her point blank that if this was her choice...then SHE could explain it to our kids when they got home from school.

 

I sat outside on the patio while she did so.

 

Then the kids all came out to check up on me, knowing I'd be devestated. I told them point blank that this was her choice...her decision, and not one that I pushed for nor even had agreed to.

 

Part of this revelation came back up a few days later, when she was trying to explain to the kids that she wasn't leaving them. She tried to convince them that she'd be home to visit them, and that they could come visit her at OM's. THEY were the ones who corrected her, explaining that they wouldn't come to visit there until the end of the following school year...9 months away. And they pointed out to her that she couldn't possibly afford a trip across country and a motel to come back to see them very often at all.

 

She ended up not getting on that plane. (There's a whole story of its own behind that)

 

But when she came home that Friday night, she found that our daughter had gotten so angry with her that she'd packed up most of her clothes and her stuff in boxes. Our boys were relatively quick to forgive her, but our daughter was another matter entirely.

 

She felt betrayed too. She felt that her mom was leaving her. It took her months to open back up to her mom.

 

There's no way that this event was a positive for our kids...but the damage was pretty much unavoidable once the affair began. It was just a matter of when, not if...

[White Flower]

There's no way that this event was a positive for our kids...but the damage was pretty much unavoidable once the affair began. It was just a matter of when, not if...

I can see where your kids were angry with her Owl. She was going to leave them on a few days notice, and that was when YOU told her she needed to tell them. I would be angry too.

 

But I disagree that nothing good came from all of this. They saw first hand a M in trouble and also witnessed you two mending that M. They now know that all Rs need tending to and you don't go running at the first sight of trouble. You stay and work on it first.

[nobmagnet]

what about the children?

 

maybe some of you can explain if this is a rare thing. My ex has moved/not moved to europe to live/not live (his explanation not mine)

He was with her(new GF) for 3 weeks at Christmas and i felt I had to remind him after 2 weeks to call his children and he did.........from a busy bar where they couldnt hear him, but I digress, she (new GF) moved from australia back to europe to be nearer Lowly worm and he said he was "helping her out" for a month to settle back (right:mad:) anyhoo....i decieded to not remind him about dd1 and ds2 just to see how long it would be before he contacted them.

 

He didnt. He phoned to speak to them the day he returned to the UK and 2 days before he was due to have them for the weekend. 4 whole weeks no contact with his children

 

Is it my place to cover for him?? I wont slag him off ever but they are only 8 and 6 age.......and still confused.

 

Would you remind Lowly or would you allow your children to understand this is how it is? My dd1 gets upset when he doesnt call BTW and I say "well maybe you can ask him." She left a message for him too 1/2 way through this month which he didnt return.

 

He is with her(gf) for two weeks again. Should i remind him once a week to call or not?

 

grrrrrrrrrrr

 

Nobbyxx

[White Flower]

what about the children?

 

maybe some of you can explain if this is a rare thing. My ex has moved/not moved to europe to live/not live (his explanation not mine)

He was with her(new GF) for 3 weeks at Christmas and i felt I had to remind him after 2 weeks to call his children and he did.........from a busy bar where they couldnt hear him, but I digress, she (new GF) moved from australia back to europe to be nearer Lowly worm and he said he was "helping her out" for a month to settle back (right:mad:) anyhoo....i decieded to not remind him about dd1 and ds2 just to see how long it would be before he contacted them.

 

He didnt. He phoned to speak to them the day he returned to the UK and 2 days before he was due to have them for the weekend. 4 whole weeks no contact with his children

 

Is it my place to cover for him?? I wont slag him off ever but they are only 8 and 6 age.......and still confused.

 

Would you remind Lowly or would you allow your children to understand this is how it is? My dd1 gets upset when he doesnt call BTW and I say "well maybe you can ask him." She left a message for him too 1/2 way through this month which he didnt return.

 

He is with her(gf) for two weeks again. Should i remind him once a week to call or not?

 

grrrrrrrrrrr

 

Nobbyxx

Nobby that is a toughie. Was it like this when you were M? Did you always have to push him to do right by his kids? Or is this a new development?

 

If you always had to then I suspect I would still push him along, especially if it makes your children happy. Although, I'm sorry that he isn't self-led and that you have to push him along.

 

If this is something new then I don't know what to say except to call him out on it. Ask him if he wants his children to remember a dead-beat dad who stopped caring just when the new woman came into his life. If the new woman really loved him, she would care about the way his children viewed him. You can tell him an OW told you that.

[OWoman]

Thank you for this, Jonesy!

 

If WITP can find one adult whose parent had an affair on their other parent claiming it was the best thing that ever happened to them in their childhood, I will eat my hat.

 

From my experience, it seems to be the worst thing a child can experience in their parent's marital experience.

 

Drugs, crimes, depression, pale in comparison.

 

Why?

 

Because an affair is so intentional and so hurtful to the other parent.

 

Me.

 

My father's A was the best thing that happened for us as kids.

My parents were constantly at daggers drawn. When I was a small kid I begged my father to get a D, and was forbidden ever to speak such things again. My father was depressed, withdrawn, unavailable to us. My mother was in a permanent rage, even when self-medicated with a bottle. We tiptoed around between Scylla and Charybdis, spending as little time as we could at home, where my father would be holed up in the shed, and my mother locked into her bedroom.

 

Then my father met his OW, and fell in love. And he changed, overnight. He became a lighter, happier person, he spent time with us, spoke to us, tolerated us around him, was fun to be around. My mother withdrew, but in silence rather than in rage, which was better. We had one parent available to us, which was better than before. Since D was out of the question (my father was a firm believer in "staying for the kids", and D'd only once we were all grown) it was the best thing that could have happened. Of course, if my mother had found someone herself it would have been even better, but she's sworn off men even to this day (I think the last time she had sex was when my brother was conceived )

 

My father and his fOW have been married now for a long time - and my only regret is that that didn't happen sooner. For them, and for us.

 

Never did the thought cross my mind that the A was "intentional" or "hurtful". I saw it - and still see it - as redemptive, and a sign that there was hope and promise in the world, after all

[bentnotbroken]

Me.

 

My father's A was the best thing that happened for us as kids.

My parents were constantly at daggers drawn. When I was a small kid I begged my father to get a D, and was forbidden ever to speak such things again. My father was depressed, withdrawn, unavailable to us. My mother was in a permanent rage, even when self-medicated with a bottle. We tiptoed around between Scylla and Charybdis, spending as little time as we could at home, where my father would be holed up in the shed, and my mother locked into her bedroom.

 

Then my father met his OW, and fell in love. And he changed, overnight. He became a lighter, happier person, he spent time with us, spoke to us, tolerated us around him, was fun to be around. My mother withdrew, but in silence rather than in rage, which was better. We had one parent available to us, which was better than before. Since D was out of the question (my father was a firm believer in "staying for the kids", and D'd only once we were all grown) it was the best thing that could have happened. Of course, if my mother had found someone herself it would have been even better, but she's sworn off men even to this day (I think the last time she had sex was when my brother was conceived )

 

My father and his fOW have been married now for a long time - and my only regret is that that didn't happen sooner. For them, and for us.

 

Never did the thought cross my mind that the A was "intentional" or "hurtful". I saw it - and still see it - as redemptive, and a sign that there was hope and promise in the world, after all

 

 

Spark, would you like that hat baked or fried:p:love:

[White Flower]

Spark, would you like that hat baked or fried:p:love:

I'll brink the margaritas:p:love:

[BlueeyedJonesy]

This post makes me wonder if those of you who had cheating fathers or mothers and think that its the best thing that ever happened to you...do you think this makes you more vulnerable to becoming an OW/OM or WS?

 

I don't accept it in any way..I never will. I love my dad, I love my mom and they were good parents don't get me wrong..but I think its just wrong to teach your kids to fake it through life...

[jennie-jennie]

It's unclear to what extent my father had an EA with the nanny when I was a small child. Perhaps he just looked at her with lust in his eyes. Perhaps he was just being attentive to her. Anyway, this seems to have been a turning point in their marriage. From this time on my mother has been weighing him down with guilt, using this as leverage to abuse my father throughout their married life. It has affected us children adversely.

 

It wasn't the affair as such, but my mother's reaction to it and consequent behavior that did the harm.

[White Flower]

This post makes me wonder if those of you who had cheating fathers or mothers and think that its the best thing that ever happened to you...do you think this makes you more vulnerable to becoming an OW/OM or WS?

 

I don't accept it in any way..I never will. I love my dad, I love my mom and they were good parents don't get me wrong..but I think its just wrong to teach your kids to fake it through life...

Well you're assuming that all MM stay M and fake it. My dad left for the OW, so did OWoman's, I believe. Had my dad stayed, he would have been faking it. He showed us how to break free when happiness cannot be obtained. He didn't throw in the towel after just a few years. He did it after 35 years. He paid his dues and nothing was going to change. He spent the last 20 years of his life a very happy man. I'm glad he ended his own suffering.

 

Having said that my mother was a wonderful and intelligent woman. She was not 'the problem'. They just weren't right for each other and no amount of counseling was going to fix it. It was selfish of me at first when I wanted them to stay together, it really was. When I got over myself, I was glad that nobody had to fake it anymore. Not for their spouse's sake, nor for the sake of us kids. Life is too short.

[White Flower]

This post makes me wonder if those of you who had cheating fathers or mothers and think that its the best thing that ever happened to you...do you think this makes you more vulnerable to becoming an OW/OM or WS?

 

I don't accept it in any way..I never will. I love my dad, I love my mom and they were good parents don't get me wrong..but I think its just wrong to teach your kids to fake it through life...

To answer the question, no, I don't think having a parent who cheated made me more vulnerable to having an affair. In fact, I became a Born-Again Christian and lived in perfect harmony with God's children for years after my father's affair because I was bound and determined NOT to be like him! It took a while, but I got over it. But it wasn't until I had my own A that I really began to understand the deep pain and inner struggle he must have gone through before and during the A and after leaving. Also, seeing MM go through his own wishy-washy struggle, I now have even more respect for my father for sticking to his guns and following through. He was never in the military, but he pulled this mission off like a hero.

 

As a giver, had I not had this example, I might be submissive to this day to my ex Middle Eastern H, serving tea to his friends and family while they spoke their language in MY house completely ignoring me all the while as if I wasn't there. I would be on Prozac for sure. 'Faking it' for me could have led to straight jackets or a life of Prozac popping.

 

And my children would see an example of an overly submissive mother had I not left. I really wanted better for them. They have better now.

[OWoman]

I don't accept it in any way..I never will. I love my dad, I love my mom and they were good parents don't get me wrong..but I think its just wrong to teach your kids to fake it through life...

 

There was absolutely no faking, with either of my parents. They were always upfront about where they stood ito their R, and the fact that they were both just staying until we were grown. My mother in particular made it abundantly clear that had we kids not been there, her life would have been very very different (ie, happy and free). And although my father never told us about his OW, we were old enough (teens) to work out for ourselves what was going on.

 

This post makes me wonder if those of you who had cheating fathers or mothers and think that its the best thing that ever happened to you...do you think this makes you more vulnerable to becoming an OW/OM or WS?

 

Well, since it was something I actively chose (having done the more socially acceptable options and rejected those) I don't consider myself as being "vulnerable" to it, simply more open minded about its possibilities, having seen them work out positively up close... But my parents' M, and those of my friends' parents, close family and others I got to see up close DID convince me that M was death... and played into my nascent political consciousness about the oppressive and exploitative nature of M. As a kid growing up I swore I was never going to M, I was never going to have kids, I was never going to put myself through that hell that I saw all around me... But then, societal pressures being what they are, I found myself falling into "all that" as a young woman, and being every bit as unhappy in that role as I'd expected to be.

 

As I've gotten older, and gotten to know more people (and more people "like myself", rather than just people like my parents), I've met people who have happy Ms as well - though these are usually 2nd Ms rather than 1st ones, and so some of my deeply grained cynicism has moderated over time. But even now I don't see M as the ideal R between two (or more) people who love each other and want to be together, and I am relieved that my kids are open-minded and progressive in their own thinking, too.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

hmm..I still find it interesting. I've been thinking about it alot. Every situation and M is different..My mom and dad had a beautiful (and I really mean it) M. They were so in love with eachother, and they had a good friendship on top of that but my dad was what I believe now a sexual addict...back then it wasn't so common or talked about. He had multiple affairs one was serious that ended with his OW having an abortion..

 

Well I find it odd and a little bit of a coinsidence that I am now married to one too... I was reading about it the other night and my IC talked about it once..that you look for someone (without really thinking about it) who has some of the same characteristics that your parents have.. does this make sense at all? I just find it intresting.

[Spark1111]

Me.

 

My father's A was the best thing that happened for us as kids.

My parents were constantly at daggers drawn. When I was a small kid I begged my father to get a D, and was forbidden ever to speak such things again. My father was depressed, withdrawn, unavailable to us. My mother was in a permanent rage, even when self-medicated with a bottle. We tiptoed around between Scylla and Charybdis, spending as little time as we could at home, where my father would be holed up in the shed, and my mother locked into her bedroom.

 

Then my father met his OW, and fell in love. And he changed, overnight. He became a lighter, happier person, he spent time with us, spoke to us, tolerated us around him, was fun to be around. My mother withdrew, but in silence rather than in rage, which was better. We had one parent available to us, which was better than before. Since D was out of the question (my father was a firm believer in "staying for the kids", and D'd only once we were all grown) it was the best thing that could have happened. Of course, if my mother had found someone herself it would have been even better, but she's sworn off men even to this day (I think the last time she had sex was when my brother was conceived )

 

My father and his fOW have been married now for a long time - and my only regret is that that didn't happen sooner. For them, and for us.

 

Never did the thought cross my mind that the A was "intentional" or "hurtful". I saw it - and still see it - as redemptive, and a sign that there was hope and promise in the world, after all

 

OW, certainly I was not talking of an exit affair, where one spouse or the other is so damaged and remote, whether due to drugs, depression, incarceration, alcoholism....that the other spouse cannot have ANY need met.

 

I get that and support it. We are only human and there is just so much one can wish and hope for in life before growing defeated and powerless.

 

But, if anyone wants me to eat my hat, I will...fried, I guess!

 

And white flower is bringing the margueritas!

[Spark1111]

Way back in history...on our d-day...

 

When I confronted my wife with the 'proof' of her EA...OM bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him...even though they had never met in person.

 

Needless to say, I was floored.

 

So this was on a Tuesday, and happened while our teenaged kids were all in school. Her flight was for the upcoming Friday. I told her point blank that if this was her choice...then SHE could explain it to our kids when they got home from school.

 

I sat outside on the patio while she did so.

 

Then the kids all came out to check up on me, knowing I'd be devestated. I told them point blank that this was her choice...her decision, and not one that I pushed for nor even had agreed to.

 

Part of this revelation came back up a few days later, when she was trying to explain to the kids that she wasn't leaving them. She tried to convince them that she'd be home to visit them, and that they could come visit her at OM's. THEY were the ones who corrected her, explaining that they wouldn't come to visit there until the end of the following school year...9 months away. And they pointed out to her that she couldn't possibly afford a trip across country and a motel to come back to see them very often at all.

 

She ended up not getting on that plane. (There's a whole story of its own behind that)

 

But when she came home that Friday night, she found that our daughter had gotten so angry with her that she'd packed up most of her clothes and her stuff in boxes. Our boys were relatively quick to forgive her, but our daughter was another matter entirely.

 

She felt betrayed too. She felt that her mom was leaving her. It took her months to open back up to her mom.

 

There's no way that this event was a positive for our kids...but the damage was pretty much unavoidable once the affair began. It was just a matter of when, not if...

 

Owl, interesting point.

 

When DDay struck, I moved out to give him time to pack his belongings and go be with his soul mate. Why?

 

I did not want to subject my children to my out-of-control emotions. I knew how damaging that could be and refused to let them see it.

 

Their father then sat at the kitchen table with all three of them.

 

My daughters raged at him, one even telling him "You are exactly the man you warned us against ever dating!"

 

Ouch.

 

My son was given an opportunity to speak and remained a puddle of tears.

 

Today, I believe he is the most affected. Why?

 

Because he adored his father; looked up to him; and of course, that IS the parent who is HIS primary role model.

 

Plus, I believe sons are very protective of their mother.

 

So, your daughter's angry reaction against her mother, her role model, rings true for me.

 

Are you concerned about this? Because I am. I worry about that one most of all.

[Spark1111]

This post makes me wonder if those of you who had cheating fathers or mothers and think that its the best thing that ever happened to you...do you think this makes you more vulnerable to becoming an OW/OM or WS?

 

I don't accept it in any way..I never will. I love my dad, I love my mom and they were good parents don't get me wrong..but I think its just wrong to teach your kids to fake it through life...

 

Don't flame me on this posters!

 

But yes, there is a psychological correlation between having a parent who had an affair and having either one yourself, or marrying someone who would have a propensity for one.