Let's talk about the children!

[Spoiled]

THen your affair served to make you happier in the home. This is not always the case.

Often the person having the affair is NOT happier in the home. They are just going through the motions until their next tryst with their AP.

 

Curious....How was your husband's emotions towards his family during your affair?

 

I was the professional working mother who had two small children, lonely, minimal conversations with adults, very active in church, and spent much quality time with my children. This did not give me any justifications to cheat, but it's exactly how I felt.

 

For at least 1.5yrs prior to my A, my H was very distant, inattentive, impatient with the children, had a negative attitude, and had very little motivation to spend time with us. Of course my initial thought was that maybe he was having an A. When I researched the "signs of a cheating husband," he did not fit. He was home on the couch, not out. He would leave his cell at home to run a quick errand. Leave his laptop on. Nothing odd with our finances. We later found out through counseling that he was depressed. If he was cheating, he was reaaallllllllly good.

 

I, on the other hand, displayed at least 7/10 signs of a cheating spouse. Some were obvious but my H had no clue, therefore, confirmed his inattentiveness toward me. It was not unusual for me to not hear from my H all day so I did not have to "check in" at home. Whereas my MM's W picked up on several of his actions.

[Spoiled]

The kids are one factor among many, that is how I see it. Perhaps the one that breaks the camel's back.

 

I agree. There are other factors but the kids are a big one. My counselor asked me why I stayed in my M unsatisfied for 1.5yrs prior to my A. My answer was the kids. My mother has expressed to me multiple times how angry and resentful she was toward her mother for years after she left her father. He was physically and emotionally abusive, yet she loved her daddy and was upset for being away from him. I am attractive, great career, have a supportive family, and knew that my children and me would be fine if I had left. Unfortunately, I stayed long enough to allow myself to become extremely anger, bitter, and resentful toward my H. When my daughter, who was under the age of 4 made statements like "daddy is mean" and "I don't want him to come home," I should have demanded counseling and/or left.

[Spoiled]

My FWH often talks about how close he came to destroying his own children's lives, along with mine. His A was relatively short compared to most (6 weeks), but of course he thought he was in love... blah blah blah. As he says now, if he had really found true love, it would have made him a better man, but in stark contrast, he literally became a snarling creature none of us recognized. I was at the height of suffering from a recently diagnosed chronic illness when "she" came along. I remember the nasty comments flung my way about how I was using it as an excuse to get out of responsibilities. Ummm, yeah, being stuck in bed was just soooo much fun. He presented himself as the saint who "took care of his ailing wife who didn't love him back", and the Father of the Year. In reality, he had called his mom to come take care of everything while he took all the credit.

 

At the time, I thought he was stressed about my illness. It was a frightening time for all of us, especially the children. When he sat me down to tell me what had really been going on, I was completely blindsided. If it weren't for the fact that he is a completely different man today than the one who allowed himself to surrender to temptation, he wouldn't have been given a second chance. He is now the father I always knew he could be, and a better husband than I ever could have ever hoped for.

 

The children knew that dad had really flipped out during that time, but they don't know why (I decided it was best that they not have to suffer with that knowledge), but now they constantly comment on how much their parents love each other. We even get a lot of "ewwwww's" when we kiss in front of them. We were always very affectionate before, but it's been particularly fun to discover new ways to gross out our teenagers. It's especially effective for clearing them out of a room when we want it all to ourselves.

 

Glad to hear your situation is much better. Many men do not know how to react to illnesses and they are taught to be strong and in control. Your H was probably very afraid, shameful, and spiritually torn(if he is religious). My AP dealt with trips to the ER and hospital stays with his W. I recall him saying how helpless he would feel and how much it hurt to see his W in pain. He spoke of the guilt he experienced and how strong she was, never depicted her to not appreciate him. Despite our situation, he truly loved her. And your husband too!!!!!!!!!!

[Spark1111]

I was the professional working mother who had two small children, lonely, minimal conversations with adults, very active in church, and spent much quality time with my children. This did not give me any justifications to cheat, but it's exactly how I felt.

 

For at least 1.5yrs prior to my A, my H was very distant, inattentive, impatient with the children, had a negative attitude, and had very little motivation to spend time with us. Of course my initial thought was that maybe he was having an A. When I researched the "signs of a cheating husband," he did not fit. He was home on the couch, not out. He would leave his cell at home to run a quick errand. Leave his laptop on. Nothing odd with our finances. We later found out through counseling that he was depressed. If he was cheating, he was reaaallllllllly good.

 

I, on the other hand, displayed at least 7/10 signs of a cheating spouse. Some were obvious but my H had no clue, therefore, confirmed his inattentiveness toward me. It was not unusual for me to not hear from my H all day so I did not have to "check in" at home. Whereas my MM's W picked up on several of his actions.

 

You are describing I and my husband to a tee!

 

I have always stated on this forum that I am amazed that I did not have the affair! HE DID!

 

Imagine your husband, as you described him, now landing a new prestigious position that forces him to travel a lot. He grows more inattentive, angrier, and more distanced.

 

When you call him at work, he sounds downright annoyed to be bothered.

 

Then you discover her existence, and loving emails, and texts, and dating and romance....not for you, the wife who tried to shore him up throughout his depression....but HER, a co-worker who did not know his past.

 

It was the perfect storm to re-invent himself in her eyes.

 

Yet, it would have been so much kinder to have separated from us, rather than to be so angry and bitter towards us.

 

Kinder to me, definitely kinder to his children.

[Spoiled]

You are describing I and my husband to a tee!

 

I have always stated on this forum that I am amazed that I did not have the affair! HE DID!

 

Imagine your husband, as you described him, now landing a new prestigious position that forces him to travel a lot. He grows more inattentive, angrier, and more distanced.

 

When you call him at work, he sounds downright annoyed to be bothered.

 

Then you discover her existence, and loving emails, and texts, and dating and romance....not for you, the wife who tried to shore him up throughout his depression....but HER, a co-worker who did not know his past.

 

It was the perfect storm to re-invent himself in her eyes.

 

Yet, it would have been so much kinder to have separated from us, rather than to be so angry and bitter towards us.

 

Kinder to me, definitely kinder to his children.

 

Wow. This was my H also with the new position and traveling. Except he worked from home most of the time when not gone. Mine never seemed annoyed when I contacted him, just busy. I eventually stopped and it later helped me in my A. So sad. Cannot imagine if I were the BS.

 

I was actually very pleasant toward my family during the A. My bitterness and anger reared it's ugly head after d-day. My source of relief, comfort, and excitement was discovered and was being taken away from me. My H was rightfully angry with me and it pissed me off that for so long, I expressed my needs without any change. And then he wanted me to do everything he needed.

[2sure]

 

Your daughter may be too young to speak to, and if she has enjoyed a great relationship with him, I certainly understand not wanting to taint that. But why be quiet around family? Why protect him still?

 

My D is 14, so not sooo young. But she knows no details beyond H had a inappropriate relationship that was beyond the acceptable boundaries of our marriage.

 

As to protecting him...Nah, not him. I havent stood up and explained to his family because ...I love them. When D and I are gone, they will forget about me but still love him and why not? This would break his mother's heart and I just wont do it.

 

My close familiy members know. As to others as well as the community:

Let them think what they want. I am a very private person, I feel no need to defend myself or offer explanations. It bugs me, but I dont see me acting on it.

[chevos]

I don't post here often, but this is an issue I have really struggled with... as a child.

 

My father cheated on my mother when I was in high school. I was the one who found out. And eventually, after a brief period of torture, I had to tell my mom (she was suspicious already).

 

The affair was a few months. I still don't know all the details... why he did it, how long it really lasted, who knows. I don't want to know.

 

Crazy enough, my parents are still together after 10 years. My dad's changed, and they're together. I think they're happy, I believe they are, but my mom's damaged. I'm damaged.

 

I hated my home life. I hated my dad for what he did. Some days, I even hated my mom for staying...

 

Needless to say, it has **** me up. I'm 24 now, and I have a "natural" (unnatural) distrust of men because of my dad's affair. These are issues I bring into my relationships.

 

BUT at least, I think I have the consciousness to realize that some of the problems I have in my relationship do NOT stem from my partner... they stem from MY DAD and my relationship with him. The best thing was to realize this, and TALK AND TALK AND TALK with my partner about this in order for me to get past this. In this respect, my partner makes every effort to help me trust also.

 

Sometimes, I think I need real therapy to get through this issue. This issue that I have, that I carry with me, that my own father gave me.

 

I've written about this in my own post. It's here if you'd like to give me ANY advice on how to get over all this... Nobody's really responded yet. I think I'm going to find a therapist soon anyway.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224524/

 

Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't post here often, but this is an issue I have really struggled with... as a child.

 

My father cheated on my mother when I was in high school. I was the one who found out. And eventually, after a brief period of torture, I had to tell my mom (she was suspicious already).

 

The affair was a few months. I still don't know all the details... why he did it, how long it really lasted, who knows. I don't want to know.

 

Crazy enough, my parents are still together after 10 years. My dad's changed, and they're together. I think they're happy, I believe they are, but my mom's damaged. I'm damaged.

 

I hated my home life. I hated my dad for what he did. Some days, I even hated my mom for staying...

 

Needless to say, it has **** me up. I'm 24 now, and I have a "natural" (unnatural) distrust of men because of my dad's affair. These are issues I bring into my relationships.

 

BUT at least, I think I have the consciousness to realize that some of the problems I have in my relationship do NOT stem from my partner... they stem from MY DAD and my relationship with him. The best thing was to realize this, and TALK AND TALK AND TALK with my partner about this in order for me to get past this. In this respect, my partner makes every effort to help me trust also.

 

Sometimes, I think I need real therapy to get through this issue. This issue that I have, that I carry with me, that my own father gave me.

 

I've written about this in my own post. It's here if you'd like to give me ANY advice on how to get over all this... Nobody's really responded yet. I think I'm going to find a therapist soon anyway.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224524/

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

Both my children found out about Mr. Messy's A before I did. I think that is still one of the things I still have a little anger about. My youngest was afraid that I would stay. She said that she would have hated for me to stay. It was on of my greatest fears. I do think therapy will help you deal with the emotional baggage you are carrying. I was in my 40's when I really began to deal with childhood baggage. Don 't wait that long.

[Woman In Blue]

To hear a MM/MW is only staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children

 

a) Makes me almost physically ill

 

b) and has to be the best line in the world, as far excuses go, IMO.

Agreed.

 

Give them all Mother and Father of the Year awards.

 

Funny that the same children they claim to adore and love SOOOOO much (and and are "willing to sacrifice their great love for") are ALSO the same kids they're NOT spending time with while they're busy out scratching their itches elsewhere.

 

Kind of hypocritical, ain't it?

[stillafool]

However, "for the kids" doesn't work when the "kids" are in college.

 

 

Absolutely! Why don't they leave when the kids go off to college? Selfish, selfish, selfish.

[wheelwright]

To hear a MM/MW is only staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children

 

a) Makes me almost physically ill

 

b) and has to be the best line in the world, as far excuses go, IMO.

 

How noble! What a great guy to sacrifice romantic love for the sake of his familial obligations! What a wonderful way to make an empathetic woman stay strung along for months, no years, as they wait for him/her to decide their course of action because "we/he/her can't hurt the children."

 

If my fWS's affair is any indication of how he stayed with me because he so loved his children, I want to barf!

 

First off, he was so obssessed with his AP that he also emotionally distanced himself from them, and even started to resent the cost of raising them because then he had less to spend on his secret life.

 

He grew quickly frustrated with them and used them at every opportunity to pick a fight with me!

 

If a confidant mother is one of the keys to successful parenting, I never felt less confidant than the 1.5 years he had his affair! I knew something was wrong, but never guessed it could be an affair!

 

My children SAW their mother's growing lonliness, depression and isolation. They also saw how hurtful he became towards me, and to a lesser extent, them!

 

But to her, he was the greatest Dad since sliced bread!

 

Give me a break. Any thoughts out there?

 

I think there is staying for the life that has been built together - it includes history, love, homes, and most importantly children. There isn't really any way to separate those things, but the children mean you don't walk away straight away. The other things are important too.

 

It's a parcel of love and commitment that includes the BS. There are some things that are inseparable.

 

My xMOM was a man very lonely. The A made him more and less lonely at the same time (so I think). I feel bad I made him more lonely - drove him away from his children and wife - but he was already there on the whole. He had no intimacy in his life. I see the word intimacy a lot on these threads, and I think it's the key to why people have As. Or one of them.

 

I have a great R with my kids, but I admit I was more distant during my A. I was working out things about me, after dedicating 24/7 to them. I don't feel good about that, but I knew I was really with them at heart. And I still showed that to them every day, not distant at all, but with more need for 'me space' than previously.

 

I didn't stay for them, but they were in my heart and mind every day |I considered my options.

 

I said to my H that staying for what you have built together is very different from staying for the kids - which would result in a dead M.

 

But it is not always easy to express the complexity of 'staying for the kids'. They are just the main chess piece in the outcome.

 

And no-one sane stays for the kids. They stay because they think staying with their MP and the kids will make them happier/more content than the alternative.

 

But that doesn't mean if there weren't kids/history they would stay.

 

But there is. That's the point.

[MizzBlue72]

I think staying for the kids is a cop out.

I chose to leave because of my kid. Having my kid see a H not choosing to love his W - and me not loving my H, the hatred, the arguing. This is NOT good for any child to be in the middle of.

 

For a child to be in the middle of an A is mean, plain and simple. I have tried to shield my child from most of this. The hardest part? I still feel like I am living two lives - one with my AP, and one with my child.

 

My child is loved by me and my xH. Hard part is the x and I have the hardest time even speaking.

 

I also think it is a cop out for OM/OW to say they are staying for the house, life, etc. Most will never leave, because their lives are not that bad. They are missing something - maybe the rush of a new love, passion, emotions. Funny thing, in 'most normal' marriages - you should be able to find this again. Yes - it takes work, but I think it can be done. My situation? it was doomed, but I do have faith in other peoples lives and marriages.

[Spark1111]

Agreed.

 

Give them all Mother and Father of the Year awards.

 

Funny that the same children they claim to adore and love SOOOOO much (and and are "willing to sacrifice their great love for") are ALSO the same kids they're NOT spending time with while they're busy out scratching their itches elsewhere.

 

Kind of hypocritical, ain't it?

 

I guess that is THE POINT I have been trying to make. During the affair he was a real Ghost Dad and the kids sensed it.

[Spark1111]

Absolutely! Why don't they leave when the kids go off to college? Selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

No, then it becomes, "when the baby graduates college," or "my wife couldn't survive without me," or "I need to reach my financial goals so I can take care of them and us,".....blah, blah, blah

[Spark1111]

I think there is staying for the life that has been built together - it includes history, love, homes, and most importantly children. There isn't really any way to separate those things, but the children mean you don't walk away straight away. The other things are important too.

 

It's a parcel of love and commitment that includes the BS. There are some things that are inseparable.

 

My xMOM was a man very lonely. The A made him more and less lonely at the same time (so I think). I feel bad I made him more lonely - drove him away from his children and wife - but he was already there on the whole. He had no intimacy in his life. I see the word intimacy a lot on these threads, and I think it's the key to why people have As. Or one of them.

 

I have a great R with my kids, but I admit I was more distant during my A. I was working out things about me, after dedicating 24/7 to them. I don't feel good about that, but I knew I was really with them at heart. And I still showed that to them every day, not distant at all, but with more need for 'me space' than previously.

 

I didn't stay for them, but they were in my heart and mind every day |I considered my options.

 

I said to my H that staying for what you have built together is very different from staying for the kids - which would result in a dead M.

 

But it is not always easy to express the complexity of 'staying for the kids'. They are just the main chess piece in the outcome.

 

And no-one sane stays for the kids. They stay because they think staying with their MP and the kids will make them happier/more content than the alternative.

 

But that doesn't mean if there weren't kids/history they would stay.

 

But there is. That's the point.

 

Thank you, as always, for your honesty.

 

I think you realize that having them in your heart is different than being a fully vested, emotional engaged parent; something that I believe naturally occurs during an affair.

 

I also believe the partner having the affair, does not truly realize how distant they truly are from parenting.

 

I also agree that no sane person would stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids since the damage to them would be lifelong.

[Spark1111]

I think staying for the kids is a cop out.

I chose to leave because of my kid. Having my kid see a H not choosing to love his W - and me not loving my H, the hatred, the arguing. This is NOT good for any child to be in the middle of.

 

For a child to be in the middle of an A is mean, plain and simple. I have tried to shield my child from most of this. The hardest part? I still feel like I am living two lives - one with my AP, and one with my child.

 

My child is loved by me and my xH. Hard part is the x and I have the hardest time even speaking.

 

I also think it is a cop out for OM/OW to say they are staying for the house, life, etc. Most will never leave, because their lives are not that bad. They are missing something - maybe the rush of a new love, passion, emotions. Funny thing, in 'most normal' marriages - you should be able to find this again. Yes - it takes work, but I think it can be done. My situation? it was doomed, but I do have faith in other peoples lives and marriages.

 

MizBlue, we agree!

 

And I appreciate your honesty is posting the dual life feeling.

[WalkInThePark]

I think that my xMM is the living proof that people sometimes stay for their kids. His reason for staying: he does not want to break up his family, does not want to hurt his kids and does not want to hurt his W. His sense of responsiblity is too big. Is he passionately in love with his W? No. Would he date his W if he would be a free man? No.

But he does not detest his W, they get along for a lot of practical things and the kids. So he stays and hopes to find back the passion for his W.

 

I'm sure that if he did not have kids, he would have been out of there already a long time. But that does not mean he is right now not a good father and family man.

[Tommy's Girl]

I posted before that my dad had an affair for 4 years (that we know of) but we didn't find out until 15 years later. It was such a shock to find out because he really was around all the time for my brother and me. He never worked late, he spent lots of time with us on the weekends, and it just seemed so bizarre that he had an affair. It turns out it was a strictly daytime affair, but still - somehow how he managed not to seem distracted. I've discussed it with my brother over and over to see if we knew there were any signs and we didn't! Here's the bad news. If you don't think divorce affects grown children, you are sadly mistaken. It's different obviously because we don't depend on our parents anymore, but it still hurt like crazy. It took a long time to used to my parents not being together after 30 plus years of marriage. My dad managed to keep it a secret, and had hoped that it would have remained that way. Someone decided to tell my mom about the affair 15 years later and had enough evidence to prove it. I won't go into any more details. My point is no matter how old the kids are, it will hurt. My whole world and my whole perception of my dad was turned upside down. If there's a risk of hurting your children now or even when they're grown, is it really worth it? I know that not every relationship works out and kids are going to get hurt, but for a child to get hurt because of one parent betrayed the other is a pain like no other.

[Spark1111]

I posted before that my dad had an affair for 4 years (that we know of) but we didn't find out until 15 years later. It was such a shock to find out because he really was around all the time for my brother and me. He never worked late' date=' he spent lots of time with us on the weekends, and it just seemed so bizarre that he had an affair. It turns out it was a strictly daytime affair, but still - somehow how he managed not to seem distracted. I've discussed it with my brother over and over to see if we knew there were any signs and we didn't! Here's the bad news. If you don't think divorce affects grown children, you are sadly mistaken. It's different obviously because we don't depend on our parents anymore, but it still hurt like crazy. It took a long time to used to my parents not being together after 30 plus years of marriage. My dad managed to keep it a secret, and had hoped that it would have remained that way. Someone decided to tell my mom about the affair 15 years later and had enough evidence to prove it. I won't go into any more details. My point is no matter how old the kids are, it will hurt. My whole world and my whole perception of my dad was turned upside down. If there's a risk of hurting your children now or even when they're grown, is it really worth it? I know that not every relationship works out and kids are going to get hurt, but for a child to get hurt because of one parent betrayed the other is a pain like no other.[/quote']

 

Thank you TG. I am sure my children would agree with you. We are all working hard to heal from my fWS's 1.5 year affair with a co-worker.

 

Today, I am most angry at my spouse for the pain this caused my children. They adored him and thought him an honest man. They were admired by their peers for our family life: we were always considered kind and compassionate to others; our marital relationship was spoken highly of by their friends.

 

No one saw this coming.

 

It will remain the single most self-destructive act he ever did in the eyes of his children. I see them wrestle with reconciling the father they thought they had with the man who had a long-term secret affair and treated us miserably during it to assauge his own guilt.

 

We have had honest conversations about it, as a family, and he will have to make ammends to them for the rest of their lives.

 

Do they love him? Of course they do. Have they forgiven him? Yes, I believe they are in varying stages of forgiveness.

 

But it will never be the same for them. Because he had to be a Knight in Shining Armor for his damsel in distress, he can never go back to being their Knight in Shining Armor.

 

This breaks my heart and probably will forever. I pray you and my own heal from this.

[WalkInThePark]

I posted before that my dad had an affair for 4 years (that we know of) but we didn't find out until 15 years later. It was such a shock to find out because he really was around all the time for my brother and me. He never worked late' date=' he spent lots of time with us on the weekends, and it just seemed so bizarre that he had an affair. It turns out it was a strictly daytime affair, but still - somehow how he managed not to seem distracted. I've discussed it with my brother over and over to see if we knew there were any signs and we didn't! Here's the bad news. If you don't think divorce affects grown children, you are sadly mistaken. It's different obviously because we don't depend on our parents anymore, but it still hurt like crazy. It took a long time to used to my parents not being together after 30 plus years of marriage. My dad managed to keep it a secret, and had hoped that it would have remained that way. Someone decided to tell my mom about the affair 15 years later and had enough evidence to prove it. I won't go into any more details. My point is no matter how old the kids are, it will hurt. My whole world and my whole perception of my dad was turned upside down. If there's a risk of hurting your children now or even when they're grown, is it really worth it? I know that not every relationship works out and kids are going to get hurt, but for a child to get hurt because of one parent betrayed the other is a pain like no other.[/quote']

 

Did your parents divorce because of this affair? Did your mother not manage to forgive him? That is kind of strange if their marriage was OK at that point.

It is not black and white. The cheating parent might betray the one who does not cheat but maybe it is impossible for the cheating one to talk openly about what he feels. There are marriages who are destroyed by avoidance of conflict.

 

As far as my own parents are concerned, I truly regret that they never divorced. I know my mother would have been a lot happier.

[Spark1111]

I think that my xMM is the living proof that people sometimes stay for their kids. His reason for staying: he does not want to break up his family, does not want to hurt his kids and does not want to hurt his W. His sense of responsiblity is too big. Is he passionately in love with his W? No. Would he date his W if he would be a free man? No.

But he does not detest his W, they get along for a lot of practical things and the kids. So he stays and hopes to find back the passion for his W.

 

I'm sure that if he did not have kids, he would have been out of there already a long time. But that does not mean he is right now not a good father and family man.[/quote

 

WalkInThePark,

 

Then pray his wife and children NEVER discover your existence.

 

Because then he will never ever be considered a good family man again.

 

We have two adult children post here whose father's affair has hurt them for life.

 

Good father? Ask the children.

[WalkInThePark]

It will remain the single most self-destructive act he ever did in the eyes of his children. I see them wrestle with reconciling the father they thought they had with the man who had a long-term secret affair and treated us miserably during it to assauge his own guilt.

 

We have had honest conversations about it, as a family, and he will have to make ammends to them for the rest of their lives.

 

Come on, it's not like he committed a murder! I think the fact that you depict him so intensely as someone who did something so very wrong, increases the chance that at some point he will do it again. Noone wants to be described as the bad guy eternally.

 

If your relationship was so perfect as everybody thought it was, this would not have happened.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, their dad did not commit a crime. He did something which was not very wise and not constructive. They got a reality check: nobody is perfect and we are all human.

[WalkInThePark]

We have two adult children post here whose father's affair has hurt them for life.

 

Good father? Ask the children.

 

Hurt them for life? That's because they want to be hurt for life. I am surprised that you say that they are adults because adults should be able to have a view which is a bit more balanced. The fact that your H had an affair does not make him a bad father if he has for the rest given enough love to this kids.

[Spark1111]

That's right. We are all human.

 

And I, as their mother, am here to assert this was a reality check (wow, how minimized) they did not need and didn't deserve and which will continue to cause them pain for the rest of their lives, right TG and chevo?.

 

I will repeat this for the 1000th time.

 

It is NOT that he developed feelings for another; it is that he lied about them for so long, minimizing us, demeaning us, resenting us, so he could continue justifying seeing her in secret. All the while selling her with what a great family guy he was and why it wasn't the right time YET to leave us and be with her.

 

Did problems develop in our marriage? Absolutely, of which I have always taken my fair share of blame.

 

But his choice to cheat? That's all on him. And I am here to tell of the lifelong consequences of that very poor, selfish and self destructive choice.

 

I love him. I forgave him. Our marriage is back to wonderful.

 

But his children? No, they will never view this wonderful family man the same way they did pre-affair.

 

And that's the reality of the situation.

[Spark1111]

Did your parents divorce because of this affair? Did your mother not manage to forgive him? That is kind of strange if their marriage was OK at that point.

It is not black and white. The cheating parent might betray the one who does not cheat but maybe it is impossible for the cheating one to talk openly about what he feels. There are marriages who are destroyed by avoidance of conflict.

 

As far as my own parents are concerned, I truly regret that they never divorced. I know my mother would have been a lot happier.

 

So because the cheating spouse avoids conflict, which is a common characteristic of cheaters, along with feelings of entitlement, it is then okay to have an affair?

 

Sounds like a rationalization to me.

Why not learn to confront conflict first?