A Bitter Man

[DustySaltus]

My current GF told me last night that she thinks I am a bitter man although she's sure that 95% of it is because of my ex. Yeah, she's absolutely right. The other day one of my young co-workers told me how great his date had gone the night before and how he called her the next morning to tell her he had a great time. I ripped into him telling him about how much of a pushover he was and that he probably blew any chance her had with her. Well, I was wrong because she was just as chatty & happy with him as he was with her. I was wrong, two people can actually be happy without a specific timeline for that happiness to evolve.

 

The fact is that I ALWAYS knew this but it's tucked away somewhere in my old, happy go-lucky mind.

 

Another example is how I keep thinking that my best friend and his fiance are never going to last. I'm a jerk for even thinking something like this but again it's probably because I was bitter about my old broken engagement. He did get engaged on the day I was supposed to be married so it did hurt a little bit (although he didn't know anything about that).

 

I hate my job and basically have to wait indefinetly until my dream job is given to me, which could take a while. 30 is right around the corner for me and I have nothing to show for it. I could've been done with law school and working somewhere making a difference everyday. If I put half the effort I've put into relationships & wallowing in my own self pity into something constructive I would be President of the United States right now. There's an old movie line from A Bronx Tale, "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent"....hit the nail right on the head.

 

I used to be such a happy guy but then someone sucked the life out of me. I'm trying to get my old self back one day at a time, but it's hard when life throws all kind of nonsense at you. It seems like everyone around me is happy these days, good for them. I want those days back. I have to try harder otherwise I am going to lose whatever I have left.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.

 

Just needed to vent, hope you all are doing well.

[Rearden Metal]

Hey Dusty...

 

You've got a leg up on a lot of people because you're calling yourself out. You are naming the problem. That's a huge step in helping yourself heal.

 

You help a lot of people on here regain their composure, treat themselves with respect and avoid becoming doormats. You're a soldier of NC. But there comes a point where rigidity in ones life is a limiting factor.

 

People who are well adjusted, sane, self respecting and intelligent will begin to take the bricks down from the wall they've built and allow themselves more fluidity in their thinking, and lives. At some point, this will leave them vulnerable, but the hope is that it's that vulnerability which will allow someone new into their heart. And should heartbreak occur again, the person is more adept and aware at what must be done to heal.

 

I suspect you are at a point where you need to start taking some bricks down, brotha.

[nobmagnet]

Hey you!

 

in a rut? pitty party for one? STOP:mad:

 

You need to look on the net. Find a depression questionairre and fill it in. If its bad get to the doctors. Long term life knocks and reduces the seritonin levels (spelt wrong cant be arsed to look it up!) now the longer its going on it eventually stops. No happy hormone. ugh. so the modern "happy" pills stimulate your brain to produce seritonin again at low level but enough for you to get out there and produce your own the only addiction is that you may fear comming off them but they are non addictive.

 

you are a good guy and your ex shouldnt dictate any more of your wonderful life. Get better and if means meds then why the hell not..........its better than where you are now.

 

being depressed it nothing to be ashamed of. It actually is a lack of a hormone. if you were a diabetic would you refuse insulin? I doubt it.

 

Lots of love

 

Nobby xx

[DustySaltus]

Hey Dusty...

 

You've got a leg up on a lot of people because you're calling yourself out. You are naming the problem. That's a huge step in helping yourself heal.

 

You help a lot of people on here regain their composure, treat themselves with respect and avoid becoming doormats. You're a soldier of NC. But there comes a point where rigidity in ones life is a limiting factor.

 

People who are well adjusted, sane, self respecting and intelligent will begin to take the bricks down from the wall they've built and allow themselves more fluidity in their thinking, and lives. At some point, this will leave them vulnerable, but the hope is that it's that vulnerability which will allow someone new into their heart. And should heartbreak occur again, the person is more adept and aware at what must be done to heal.

 

I suspect you are at a point where you need to start taking some bricks down, brotha.

 

Hey Rearden, thanks for the support. Yeah, I'm trying to knock down the wall. I was single for about 5 months before I got back into a relationship. The day that she told me she wanted to be in a relationship I told her about what happened with my ex and that I was very, very hurt. She said she understood and to be honest has been great throughout the whole process. Of course since that day I never brought up anything about my ex but she could see in my actions that the wall was still up. I try to take a brick off the wall everyday, but it's hard work.

 

My ex cost me about $45K when she decided to blow up everything in our path after the relationship was over. I am STILL dealing with the consenquences of her actions in my professional environment. I work my *** of and I feel like the email my ex sent to my boss (Telling him that I didn't feel appreciated and was set to leave) his still hanging over my head. Almost like my boss is saying I dare you to mention a raise, or complain or anything because you should be lucky you have a job. But I trust try to look at the big picture when it comes to work, because it will all fall into place. My personal life however, will take a little longer.

 

When me and my girl had this conversation about bitterness she gave a pretty sound opinion on things. She told me that she couldn't help me get through it, I need to get through it on my own. She would be patient with me, but not wait around forever. So again, I have to get my head on straight.

[Perhaps]

My current GF told me last night that she thinks I am a bitter man although she's sure that 95% of it is because of my ex. Yeah, she's absolutely right. The other day one of my young co-workers told me how great his date had gone the night before and how he called her the next morning to tell her he had a great time. I ripped into him telling him about how much of a pushover he was and that he probably blew any chance her had with her. Well, I was wrong because she was just as chatty & happy with him as he was with her. I was wrong, two people can actually be happy without a specific timeline for that happiness to evolve.

 

The fact is that I ALWAYS knew this but it's tucked away somewhere in my old, happy go-lucky mind.

 

Another example is how I keep thinking that my best friend and his fiance are never going to last. I'm a jerk for even thinking something like this but again it's probably because I was bitter about my old broken engagement. He did get engaged on the day I was supposed to be married so it did hurt a little bit (although he didn't know anything about that).

 

I hate my job and basically have to wait indefinetly until my dream job is given to me, which could take a while. 30 is right around the corner for me and I have nothing to show for it. I could've been done with law school and working somewhere making a difference everyday. If I put half the effort I've put into relationships & wallowing in my own self pity into something constructive I would be President of the United States right now. There's an old movie line from A Bronx Tale, "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent"....hit the nail right on the head.

 

I used to be such a happy guy but then someone sucked the life out of me. I'm trying to get my old self back one day at a time, but it's hard when life throws all kind of nonsense at you. It seems like everyone around me is happy these days, good for them. I want those days back. I have to try harder otherwise I am going to lose whatever I have left.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.

 

Just needed to vent, hope you all are doing well.

 

You're one of the wisest advisers on LS and your messages always have encouraging words for me and whoever else reads 'em. I don't know what else to say - just wanted to let you know that you do make a difference when you give someone any advice on how to deal with their relationship - even if it may seem small to you.

 

Btw, I'm doing well, thanks for asking , and I hope you find what you're looking for, DS.

[DustySaltus]

Hey you!

 

in a rut? pitty party for one? STOP:mad:

 

You need to look on the net. Find a depression questionairre and fill it in. If its bad get to the doctors. Long term life knocks and reduces the seritonin levels (spelt wrong cant be arsed to look it up!) now the longer its going on it eventually stops. No happy hormone. ugh. so the modern "happy" pills stimulate your brain to produce seritonin again at low level but enough for you to get out there and produce your own the only addiction is that you may fear comming off them but they are non addictive.

 

you are a good guy and your ex shouldnt dictate any more of your wonderful life. Get better and if means meds then why the hell not..........its better than where you are now.

 

being depressed it nothing to be ashamed of. It actually is a lack of a hormone. if you were a diabetic would you refuse insulin? I doubt it.

 

Lots of love

 

Nobby xx

 

Hey nobby, thanks as well. I refuse to take any medication whatsoever and actually was in therapy for about 5 months (a psychologist) to get past the situation with my ex, which for the most part accept for the bitterness I have. I think I may need to go back to get through this though. I wouldn't say that I am depressed, I'm just unhappy and angry at what my life is right now. I need to fundamentally change myself and unless I take the first step, any third party help would be futile.

[DustySaltus]

You're one of the wisest advisers on LS and your messages always have encouraging words for me and whoever else reads 'em. I don't know what else to say - just wanted to let you know that you do make a difference when you give someone any advice on how to deal with their relationship - even if it may seem small to you.

 

Btw, I'm doing well, thanks for asking , and I hope you find what you're looking for, DS.

 

Thanks Perhaps. You know it's a lot harder to take the advice given to you then offer it to someone else. NC was a powerful tool to help me heal but it's only the first step on a long journey to self recovery. It helped me to get over my ex but now I need to figure out where I am going with myself. I never thought I would get married and then I was planning my life 20 years ahead with someone only to be right back where I started. But hey, it's a beautiful day...bbq some swordfish tonight, wtach the game, have a beer or two and work on knocking down the wall a little bit more.

[Rearden Metal]

There you go buddy. Baby Steps. Baby Steps to the front door....

[Toki]

In my experience it's easy being cynical, when you try to please everybody it makes you tired and bitter. When I discovered that I needed to take better care of myself, instead of the masses, when the veil slowly began to come off I realized that no matter how hard I tried, getting ahead in life is something very few people actually manage to do. So, I decided to kick back and stop trying to control the direction of the wind, and instead just adjust the sails. So far, I'm not nearly as bitter, tired, or cynical as I used to be. A Good Beer, Barbecue, and a football game is almost as good as life gets!

 

Cheers!

[Woggle]

I would embrace your bitterness. It has worked well for me. At least I know I will never be a doormat.

[TaraMaiden]

There's that little raincloud over your BBQ....!!

 

Ok, DS... which would you rather listen to?

The 'Misery loves Company' one-man brigade, or the count your blessings bunch?

 

let me tell you something.

I was once strapped into a hospital bed for my own safety because I wanted to end it all. My mother was one step away from having me committed as a danger to myself....

 

It gets better.

Trust me.

 

You 'just' have to turn the thinking around.

And it does begin there.

With your thought processes.

Has nobody, in therapy or otherwise, pointed that out to you?

 

The snowballing negative depressing effect enveloping and engulfing you in its pessimistic fug, all stems from one single thought.

Insidious, unseen, unnoticed, and suddenly, there you are... standing near a precipice in such a thick mist you can't see your hand in front of your face....

The trick is to catch that thought.

And deny it air.

see it for what it is.

Sabotage.

And contradict it.

Really.

Reverse the statement, and expose it as the lie it is.

If you don't like what's happening to you, only you can reverse this, or turn it around.

[EmperorR]

I'm a bitter man but you would to if your ex fiancé had a abortion behind your back, cheated on you and left you in debt

 

I already know most relationships people have with women 18-24 won't last

[Tamia78]

When me and my girl had this conversation about bitterness she gave a pretty sound opinion on things. She told me that she couldn't help me get through it, I need to get through it on my own. She would be patient with me, but not wait around forever. So again, I have to get my head on straight.

 

Man, this girl is smart! She's a keeper!

 

Hey, at least you know what you need to do, and you are willing to do it. That's the best thing you got going for you right now. And you will do it. You have your head on straight, and your priorities in order. You're gonna do just fine.

 

--T

[threebyfate]

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.

 

Just needed to vent, hope you all are doing well.

The Serenity Prayer is amazing and so true.

 

You cannot change the past but you can change your future. The only person who can stop you or hold you down, is you. While your dream job might not fall into your lap, this doesn't mean you can't reconsider pursuing your legal degree if it honestly is that important to you. If it's not important to you then let those regrets go, same as letting your ex-fiancee go.

 

You sit right on the edge of cliff, either pointing your skis downhill and taking life by the balls or clinging in fear to the side of the cliff. Your life, your choice. Choose wisely.

[Odyssey]

Dusty, it's okay to be bitter when you've been hurt, but am sure your happy self will come back. Dude, for all the advice you've given you should know this! Here have another beer on me.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Much support Dusty!

 

I can't believe she sent an email to your boss. Your feelings are perfectly human but you have to channel them into paths of healthy resolution. If you become bitter toward ALL women, the ex really wins, doesn't she?

[DustySaltus]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

I need to transform this bitter energy into something that's going to help me grow. It angers me that my ex still has an indirect effect on my career. At the beginning of the year when we were supposed to get bonuses my boss kind of singled me out about how "personal problems' affected my work.....after he told me that he had took everything she said with a grain salt.

 

I'm in a position now with the economy and waiting on my ideal job that I just have to sit here and take it. I'm very good at what I do but I feel underpaid and underappreciated. Add that to the fact that my ex more than likely used my engagement ring to finance her masters degree and buy a laptop and you can understand why i've been just a tad bitter.

 

But my current GF has been nothing but supportive. I've had someone like her in the past but I wasn't mature enough to appreciate it. I am now. Set up a nice little picnic lunch for Sunday to show her that I appreciate her and we'll go from there. I'll just continue to take bricks off the wall.

 

Thanks again.

[monkeymaid]

so why not go back to school and be a lawyer still? why not do all the **** you wanted to? if youre going to sit there and be bitter, you might as well do something constructive with the time. ...besides, being an ******* might help if you go to trial!

[McGrupp]

wow i can really relate to your original post.

 

although my depression has ceased, and im currently dating 2 women (who arent aware of each others existence) i still have a huge wall up.

 

i think about my ex not as much, but the whole experience has killed that innocence i once had, and next time i think im in "love" i will prpbably look at it with a grain of salt.

 

i think now ill stay out of relationships for awhile, unless i find someone special. right now im trying to pursue other career paths, but like you feel like im over my ex, but still stuck in a rut regarding my career.

 

idk. its the little things i guess that get us back to normal.

[threebyfate]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

I need to transform this bitter energy into something that's going to help me grow. It angers me that my ex still has an indirect effect on my career. At the beginning of the year when we were supposed to get bonuses my boss kind of singled me out about how "personal problems' affected my work.....after he told me that he had took everything she said with a grain salt.

 

I'm in a position now with the economy and waiting on my ideal job that I just have to sit here and take it. I'm very good at what I do but I feel underpaid and underappreciated. Add that to the fact that my ex more than likely used my engagement ring to finance her masters degree and buy a laptop and you can understand why i've been just a tad bitter.

So what's the best way to take back full control of your life? That's right...pursuing other jobs so you can leave this part of your life behind, regardless of economy. While the current state of the economy affects how quickly you find another job, opportunities still exist. It's a matter of being opportunistic enough that when you see jobs posted on monster or other places, that you aggressively pursue those opportunities.

But my current GF has been nothing but supportive. I've had someone like her in the past but I wasn't mature enough to appreciate it. I am now. Set up a nice little picnic lunch for Sunday to show her that I appreciate her and we'll go from there. I'll just continue to take bricks off the wall.

For some reason, I get a feeling that while you intellectually know that your current g/f is good for you, something's missing. She's not your ideal or even close to it. Make sure you're not settling since it's not beneficial for either one of you.

[paleblue]

don’t be too hard on yourself. it does take time… lots and lots of time. tara has some good points I believe. it can become all consuming if you do not snuff it out. if you let it envelope you. it can be hard to look past everything. it almost becomes comfortable being in that negative territory. im beginning to think that is why they say keep a positive attitude. it must help to overcome the negative one. there truly is a war going on inside our heads.

[DustySaltus]

I guess I've become a little bit of a hater lately. I was playing a game with my current GF where we would sit on a bench in Central Park, watch all the "happy couples" go by, try and guess how long they were going out and how long they would last. I really don't know what good could come out of this game but it somehow made me feel a little happier about myself. I don't think that i'm depressed, I just need to re-establish my sense of direction and where I'm heading in life. It's hard though when you see all these happy couples and you think to yourself, how do they do it? Which is weird because we've been in that situation a million times and are still asking ourselves that question.

 

Everyone is getting married, got bachelor parties or weddings every weekend, people are asking me how's married life (who didn't know that my ex and broke up), friends who used to play basketball on the weekends have now been sentenced to Home Depot duty with their wives or GF's, have to hear about my current GF's biological clock every couple of days and I found three gray hairs this morning.

[nobmagnet]

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

 

I play that game too!! i aint bitter though but then again i am in the lucky postion that im glad my ex has gone. :p:p

 

Summer is on its way...............and I personally feel like a weight of gloom has gone with the sunshine on my face and shoulders........:love:

 

World is your oyster and you have dodged a bullet......try to look at it that way?? You sound like you have a darling of a new chick so get out and have fun! well done on the picnic idea i bet she loves it!

 

New oppurtunities ahead.......BRING IT ON!!!!!

 

Nobby xxx