ImaManDammit Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Would you continue to date a woman who has a Gay BFF? Not that being Gay is the issue, but she is a self proclaimed.....well the term they use when a straight woman hangs around a gay man constantly. The thing I find odd is she calls him babe, sweetie, honey, but I don't see that with her other friends. She is contantly talking to him on the phone, going out with him and his freinds, having dinner there, and shopping. I took a step back and said, if he were a female would this still be weird? Yes, if she spent as much time with her as she does with him, called her babe, and sweetie, etc. yes, I would think it kind of strange. To make matters more confusing, since we started dating, I've been called babe, sweetie, honey. So now's there two, the guy she's dating and her Gay BFF. No other male or female friends get that destiction. Weird?
CarrieT Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It does not sound remotely weird to someone like me. I am a serious FagHag/FruitFly and the consistent relationships I have had in my life have been gay men. To me, they are sweetie, luv, and darling. We hug and we give each other pecks on the lips. They have always been there for me and I, for them. I'm sorry you seem to have a problem with it -- what is it exactly you are worried about? It isn't like she is going to have sex with her BFF... Are you just jealous she can have as much affection for another human being (never mind the fact that they are gay)? Do you feel her affection for this guy takes away from her love for you? 'Cuz I can assure you that is never the case with Gay BFFs.
Author ImaManDammit Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I'm sorry you seem to have a problem with it -- what is it exactly you are worried about? It isn't like she is going to have sex with her BFF... Are you just jealous she can have as much affection for another human being (never mind the fact that they are gay)? Do you feel her affection for this guy takes away from her love for you? 'Cuz I can assure you that is never the case with Gay BFFs. I'm not worried about sex. I know him very well, and that isn't even a remote possibility. Jealousy may be a factor, even where as the relationship grows, there may be a bit of a competitive fued for her time. I only know this as a few of her other boyfriends, found issue with this. Why she told me, I'm unclear. I'd have to say it's that last part mostly. So no one, other than the person I am with, would ever be called sweetie or honey etc. I would be willing to agree this may just be my little quirk, but I hugged my female friend the other day, as I haven't seen her in awhile, she was there, and told my friend that we would set up lunch, and she got her nose all bent out of shape about it. I asked her about it especially because of her relationship to her BFF, but she said its not the same, because he's gay. So if she were lesbian, it would have been ok? I fail to see the distinction and a bit of a double standard. Am I wrong?
CarrieT Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Jealousy may be a factor, even where as the relationship grows, there may be a bit of a competitive feud for her time. I only know this as a few of her other boyfriends, found issue with this. Why she told me, I'm unclear. The fact that she told you other boyfriends had this issue is telling; she is trying to spare you the possibility that you and BFF might be competing for her time. So no one, other than the person I am with, would ever be called sweetie or honey etc. For me, this is an issue that is tantamount to minutiae. You are getting pissy about semantics and amongst gays, these sorts of names are the norm. They don't mean the same as they do with an actual love, in my opinion. I would be willing to agree this may just be my little quirk, but I hugged my female friend the other day, as I haven't seen her in awhile, she was there, and told my friend that we would set up lunch, and she got her nose all bent out of shape about it. I asked her about it especially because of her relationship to her BFF, but she said its not the same, because he's gay. So if she were lesbian, it would have been ok? I fail to see the distinction and a bit of a double standard. Am I wrong? In this regard, I do not believe you are wrong, but I am not one of those women who have problems with my mate being physically affectionate with old, close friends. I'm sorry that your girlfriend does. But since this is obviously an issue for you, I think it is important that the two of you talk about it -- early now before it escalates into something bigger.
USMCHokie Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I had to deal with this with my ex, as she had a really good friend that was gay. It wasn't a big deal, but one day I had been having a really bad day and said some things that I definitely shouldn't have said about him and her...and then we broke up... But I wouldn't mind in the slightest bit if she had a gay BFF.
Stung Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I have a ton of 'gay boyfriends' and they don't bother my husband in the slightest, he's well aware he's go no competition there. My gay friends and I call each other sweets and darling etc. all the time, it's just a common form of address among friends in a certain subset of gay culture, it's nothing personal. I wouldn't call a straight male friend darling and I wouldn't expect my husband to call his straight or lesbian female friends darling either, as the cultures and expectations are different. Now that we're getting ready to move my husband is just glad I have them to help me go furniture shopping and talk about decorating with; whenever I ask him to look at fabric he wants to kill himself, so he counts himself lucky one of my best gay boyfriends used to be an interior decorator.
aerogurl87 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I have two gay best friends. One is my shopping buddy and my boyfriend actually likes that since it means I won't try to drag him to the mall to go shopping when I can just take my best friend with me. Then my other gay friend is just funny as all get out and my boyfriend doesn't mind him either. I don't see the problem, it's not like he's gonna try to sleep with her, unless he's actually bi and not gay, then there might be a problem.
Author ImaManDammit Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 I've taken alot of what you folks had to say and really thought about it. In an odd turn of events she asked me today how I would feel about her going with her BFF to visit his mom in the east. My first reaction wasn't the greatest, and then I thought of what you folks said here, that what I would normally apply to this situation doesn't apply here because he's gay. Would I have had the same reaction if she had said that her and her girlfriend were going to see her mom? Probably not. What if her girlfriend was gay? Possibly. So I have come to the conclusion that its not only the gay BFF that makes me uncomfortable, its that her entire social life, if not her entire life, revolves around the gay culture. So I look at it this way, being christian and if I were to date someone who is jewish, there will be obviously challenges with maintaining that relationship, especially if both people are integrated into their faith. Generally, I would suspect, this type of scenario doesn't have alot of success. What I think is, its the same here. Integrating with the gay culture is what I am finding difficult. Because it is difficult, I'm uncomfortable, which doesn't allow me to build a sense of security. Without security there is no trust, and with no trust, there is no relationship. I struggled with this, because I never try to judge other people, and because I made issue of the fact of her interaction with her friend and friends, made me feel bad about myself. As if I was a hypocrit. Then I realized that, feeling this way doesn't make me a bad person, its just the way I feel. Its seems I will have to let another one go. Sorry for the long post.
CarrieT Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Then I realized that, feeling this way doesn't make me a bad person, its just the way I feel. Its seems I will have to let another one go. Sorry for the long post. I don't think you have anything to apologize for and taking the time to realize why this whole scenario makes you uncomfortable is pretty admirable. I have also traveled with some of my GayBoys (and slept in the same bed with them when only a single bed was available) and if I was involved with a man who had problems with that, I doubt I would be able to maintain a relationship with said man. Don't feel bad that you are keeping true to yourself but I am sorry you can't find security in what you have to offer and in the girl you are having the relationship with. But that is within you and I hope you will acknowledge that to your GF when you break up with her.
2sure Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 A friendship between a straight woman and a gay male can be the most fun, most honest, most endearing type of friendship. No competing, empathy, both the underdog in some ways, the ability to really laugh at the similarities and differences between sexes. Cant beat it. Stop feeling threatened and embrace it.
Author ImaManDammit Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Don't feel bad that you are keeping true to yourself but I am sorry you can't find security in what you have to offer and in the girl you are having the relationship with. But that is within you and I hope you will acknowledge that to your GF when you break up with her. Thanks for the support. I definitely intend to share this with her, as she has always been open and honest with me, and I respect her to do the same for her. And I will also ensure that it doesn't come off as a "It's not you, it's me", cliche response. Thanks again.
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