someotherguy Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I'm in a new relationship, almost a month old. We're very open and discuss pretty much anything. I subscribe to the philosophy that what she did before she met me is not within my purview to critique, but damn, she has done some things that really make me reconsider. So, I need some advice, or at least some feedback, since there's no way in hell I can discuss this with my friends or family. Very long story made as short as possible: She cheated on her ex husband, and had a multi-year affair with a guy who convinced her to join him at orgies. She claims she has turned over a new leaf, that she is not interested in that kind of lifestyle any more, and that she wants to be only mine. She says she wants to please me, and only me. I'm the kind of guy that has only had a handful of sexual partners. I'm not a prude, but I've never had a police baton up my ass, either. I'm down with anything she wants to do, except for more extreme stuff like pain/blood play, etc. How likely is it that she won't cheat again, or want to return to a more hedonistic sexual lifestyle? Do people really just go into a phase where they can participate in extreme acts and then come back to a more mainstream way of life / sexuality?
ImaManDammit Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 How likely is it that she won't cheat again, or want to return to a more hedonistic sexual lifestyle? Do people really just go into a phase where they can participate in extreme acts and then come back to a more mainstream way of life / sexuality? With every relationship there is a level of trust. It supposed to grow as the relationship get stronger. If you think she is a person that you connect with, give that time for that trust to flourish. BUT, if you think that just knowing this will affect you that it will always let these thoughts get in the way of building that trust, then don't try. I've seen people who try to rationalise this to the enth degree, because they feel that if they dump the person because of something like this, that it makes them a bad person for judging someone else. That's not the case, it's just not the situation that may be right for you, no matter how open minded or liberal thinking you are. You have to make the best decision for yourself, and both of you will benefit from it, no matter which decision it may be.
CarrieT Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 How likely is it that she won't cheat again, or want to return to a more hedonistic sexual lifestyle? Do people really just go into a phase where they can participate in extreme acts and then come back to a more mainstream way of life / sexuality? I can't address the cheating part of your question, but I can address the hedonistic side... Yes, people go through phases where they want to participate in extreme acts and then want a normal relationship. My ExH and I played the orgy game and we divorced when he cheated on me. I had several dalliances in that lifestyle but when it came to a monogamous relationship, THAT is still my preference. Now I still enjoy pretty kinky sex (and, like you, will try just about anything up to stuff that involves blood, scat, and urine). As long as the sex is interesting and imaginative, I am engaged and enjoying myself. I don't need orgies for that. I did have a 12-year relationship with a guy who was 100% vanilla. He would only do two styles; missionary and doggie and I could barely get him to spank me. I *did* finally get bored but it was only because he wouldn't even TRY different things with me, in the confines of our relationship -- not because he wouldn't let me go to orgies. As long as you two are open and honest about your needs and interests, there is no reason she would need to have to go elsewhere. But you need to find out why she cheated, I guess, to make sure that doesn't happen again.
SomewhatExperienced Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 With every relationship there is a level of trust. It supposed to grow as the relationship get stronger. If you think she is a person that you connect with, give that time for that trust to flourish. I agree. But I would let her know about the fact that this makes it difficult to trust her and why. If she's got got a brain she should at least understand. Just make it known that you know that you need time for trust to grow and that it will. Then it becomes a game for two people. It's her job to demonstrate that you can trust her, and it's your job to reciprocate. I'd expect this would help the relationship grow in a healthy manner. If see says that you should trust 100% just because she says you should, then she should wake the f*** up.
Author someotherguy Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I forgot one detail, and it might be important: She is still friends with the guy and his off-and-on girlfriend. We've talked about it a bit, but she told me she wants to try to stay friends with him and "give him a chance to be just friends". And not to be a judgmental prick, but this doesn't sit well with me.
Crazy Magnet Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 In terms of the wild and kinky sex stuff: Post divorce I went through a bat **** crazy phase where I did lots of stuff that was out of character for me. (Though I can't say it was quite the orgy level). Regardless, it was in fact a "my emotions are out of wack" phase and I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to go back to that. I want ONE man in my life and my bed and I want to experiment with him and only him. Now mutually, if we get into some kinky stuff that's ok, but it's between us and only reflects our sexual style as a couple. My man is really open about sex, so I don't see boredom in my future. Telling you about her orgy lifestyle so early is a little.....strange to me. Why would she think you need to know that much so soon? While honesty is extremely important, she shouldn't be going beyond what the current level of trust is between the two of you. In terms of staying friends with her, tread lightly. After reading a lot on LS and listening to my gut, I put my foot down on all the ex's my BF decided to keep in his life. I introduced him nicely to the concepts of "Hell no!," "over my dead body!!," and "you look like a P***SY following her around like a puppy dog."
phineas Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I forgot one detail, and it might be important: She is still friends with the guy and his off-and-on girlfriend. We've talked about it a bit, but she told me she wants to try to stay friends with him and "give him a chance to be just friends". And not to be a judgmental prick, but this doesn't sit well with me. I was with you all the way up to now. There are so many things wrong with wanting to be friends with the guy you cheated on your husband with when you are trying to have a relationship with someone new. That just sounds like all kinds of stupid to me. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone like that at all. I'm betting the only reason she still wants to be friends is because there is sexual attraction & she's waiting for him to give up the orgy life.
make me believe Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Does she seem genuinely remorseful about the cheating? If so, I think it's definitely possible she learned from that mistake and has changed. If not, it's a HUGE red flag. I really don't think she should still be "friends" with this guy though... That seems really inappropriate. How can you honestly be just friends with somebody you had a years-long affair with?? Actually, now that I think about it, the fact that she cheated on her ex for YEARS has me concerned. It just seems so heartless. Again, I would have to judge that based on how remorseful she seems about it now. As for the kinky stuff, that seems like a stone you two shouldn't have necessarily turned over. There's really no reason to discuss specific sexual acts either of you have taken part in -- as you can see, all it does is make one or both of you uncomfortable. Yes, people go through phases where they want to participate in extreme acts and then want a normal relationship. I agree with Carrie about this. I went through a pretty wild phase and did things that I don't really have the desire to do again. I'm glad my bf doesn't know the details of that!!
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I know from personal experience that people CAN change and a "colorful" past does not necessarily predict a person's future. I am, however, a little concerned about her wish to remain "friends" with her former illicit playmate. Why? What are the grounds for actual friendship? I would not advise trying to forbid the friendship. If you are uncomfortable with that, I think you should let her know. If it is difficult for you to reconcile yourself with her past, I think you should have ONE open conversation about this as well - I mean, do not feel free to bring it up every time you have an insecure moment. That will never work. See how she responds to knowing how you feel. Ultimately, you might not be able to flourish in the relationship if she continues to maintain the "friendship." It could hinder her from truly moving on from her former lifestyle. So, take it one day at a time and take care of yourself without making her feel bad about herself.
dreamergrl Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 You can do one of two things. You can make the choice to put her past behind your relationship, or you can break it off if it doesn't sit well with you. Some people change, others don't. You have to look at her actions and see if they match up with her words. Everyone has a past, but only you can decide if it's a past you can handle knowing about.
Author someotherguy Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 She is terribly remorseful about the affair, and she broke off the sexual part of the relationship with this guy last summer, so it has been awhile. The basis for their friendship was that she began confiding in him when her marriage was on the rocks, and they gradually became lovers. Yep, totally cliche. However, I know there are still lingering feelings on both sides, which is why I'm not comfortable with him hanging around as a friend. Not that I really know him from Adam, or have any real reason to think he would take advantage of a "moment of weakness" or anything, but it just seems ill-advised to me. Why live with that kind of temptation? I mean, I don't hang around any of my exes, that's why they're exes for christ's sake. Hell, I boot em off my friends list on facebook. She did offer to drop him if it made me uncomfortable, and while I don't want to come across as a controlling jackass, I think I may have to accept her offer under the principle of needing to make a break from the past to move forward.
dreamergrl Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Do you honestly think you can move on from her past?
ImaManDammit Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Do you honestly think you can move on from her past? I think this is key. If you can't don't try and convince yourself that you can. I remember reading something somewhere that said, the first thing that really bothers you when you in a relationship is the thing that will eventually drive you apart. This, I think, would fall into that criteria.
dreamergrl Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I think this is key. If you can't don't try and convince yourself that you can. I remember reading something somewhere that said, the first thing that really bothers you when you in a relationship is the thing that will eventually drive you apart. This, I think, would fall into that criteria. Agreed. Just because she deletes him from facebook doesn't mean she's deleting her past. It will always be there. You have an issue with it. Dissecting it wont make it go away. We get she's done this and that. But you aren't okay with it. Case closed. Move on.
Author someotherguy Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I honestly don't have a problem per se with what she did, we all do things that we may regret at some point in the future, I'm not a saint either. Hell, some of those things make for great memories, and hilarious stories for drinking sessions with my friends. The real issue for me, as I write this out and it becomes "real", is that she didn't truly resolve her feelings for this guy, which is why he's still in her life. It seems to me that she still has an emotional connection to him, and I'd like to address that in a meaningful, productive way.
dreamergrl Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I honestly don't have a problem per se with what she did, we all do things that we may regret at some point in the future, I'm not a saint either. Hell, some of those things make for great memories, and hilarious stories for drinking sessions with my friends. The real issue for me, as I write this out and it becomes "real", is that she didn't truly resolve her feelings for this guy, which is why he's still in her life. It seems to me that she still has an emotional connection to him, and I'd like to address that in a meaningful, productive way. See, you didn't address this in your OP, which leads me to believe that it's not just the 'connection' to this guy. Friends or not, this guy was a part of her past that seems to have been quite significant. Maybe not in a good way, but I think often we hold some sort of connections to those who play a large part in our lives one way or another. She can delete him, but it still happened with him. She can delete him, but it doesn't delete any type of connection she feels. She'll let go of that in her own time, and it's better for her to be the one to decide when to let go.
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