Standing at a Crossroads, Need Guidance

[Eurydice]

Like so many others here I have read these forums for a while but only very recently decided to get an account because I feel that something has reached a critical point, and I need honest feedback with a dose of reality. My situation is not something I can talk to anyone in my family or friends about. They just wouldn't get it. For what it is worth I am also looking into personal counseling (RBET). Apologies for length.

 

My husband and I met when I was 17. I am 29 now. There was a significant (8 year) age difference between us at the time, but we maintained a close but non-intimate friendship, and then a distance friendship for a year. He fully anticipated that I was going to end the relationship and yes, we took some flack for the age difference, but it didn't matter to us. At that point in our lives, he was divorced 3 years (after marrying and having a child very young) and I was entering university for my B.S. We had extremely similar ideas about a "good life," beliefs, and compatible goals. It was a healthy relationship though not without its ups and downs. We married after 7 years of living together in a very low-key ceremony (something I somewhat regret), more as a formality on being together.

 

Our relationship hit a rocky point 18 months ago when my husband's work stress and midlife crisis found an outlet in his sportbike (motorcycle). It, and his riding club, eat up a lot of his free time and money. Our first major fights in years were caused by two things. One, him using most of our savings and tax refund for buying expensive upgrades instead of splitting it to help pay for our vacation to Hawaii. He said I communicated the split as 80/20, not 60/40. It was a case of selective hearing. Two, he spends lots of time with his riding club who is a new family to them and resented I had my reservations about them. We were in a rocky spot for almost a week in that argument. His club-members are nice enough but we have little in common, they are smokers/drinkers, and conversations are awkward though I have tried to educate myself on his hobby.

 

We are going in two different directions now. We don't talk about many things (politics, current events, science, social issues) because I've become accustomed to monosyllable answers as he isn't interested or has little to say. I've heard "You're too smart for me" so many times, despite him being a very intelligent man. He talks about leaving his job in the city to start a garage in a rural area (another point he got hostile on when I expressed reservations about moving out there). His sportbike/club take up a lot of his free time. We spend time together locked in a routine that would be great for friends but isn't for lovers and partners. I've started picking up new hobbies and making new friends slowly which he and my friends/family encouraged because I was reluctant to pursue these things alone. He has gone so far to encourage me to travel abroad by myself if I want. Can a marriage stay together with this dynamic?

 

The second problem, then, is a brilliant, attractive and single man I have met in the course of pursuing my hobbies. We have had long, scintillating discussions and for the first time in months, years even, I've found someone who makes me want to strive. He has experience in areas which directly interest me professionally and personally. We went through several similar experiences in our past, and being able to mutually express our frustrations, epiphanies, and thoughts to someone who _gets_ it has been amazing and refreshing.

 

But he is not my husband. In fact, he doesn't know I'm married-- I've skirted that fact for fear, now, in the past several weeks-- and I have to tell him. It's almost laughable (and certainly sobbable) that we make lovely friends. If I were single, I'd be with him in a heartbeat. I have an obvious crush on him and I am afraid, given time, this will come into something more. However, with one relationship on the wane, I am in a predicament that is tearing me apart.

 

How do I tell my friend who I feel strongly for about my husband?

Should I consider a separation?

Is even entertaining ideas about my friend ridiculous, when I should try to reconcile things in my marriage?

 

I still care for my husband. Even if we divorced tomorrow that would never change. He loves me a great deal though we are distant right now.

 

I do not know where this could go with my friend once he finds out. Presuming our friendship/interest survives, and I became available, the prospect of a relationship is there. But I know in my heart I would rather be in a long-term relationship rather than single. Throwing away everything on a chance... or staying and working on somewhere I feel like I am stifled, dwindling, and possibly making the other partner unhappy? What do I do?

 

Please help.

[kevinm1019]

Like so many others here I have read these forums for a while but only very recently decided to get an account because I feel that something has reached a critical point, and I need honest feedback with a dose of reality. My situation is not something I can talk to anyone in my family or friends about. They just wouldn't get it. For what it is worth I am also looking into personal counseling (RBET). Apologies for length.

 

My husband and I met when I was 17. I am 29 now. There was a significant (8 year) age difference between us at the time, but we maintained a close but non-intimate friendship, and then a distance friendship for a year. He fully anticipated that I was going to end the relationship and yes, we took some flack for the age difference, but it didn't matter to us. At that point in our lives, he was divorced 3 years (after marrying and having a child very young) and I was entering university for my B.S. We had extremely similar ideas about a "good life," beliefs, and compatible goals. It was a healthy relationship though not without its ups and downs. We married after 7 years of living together in a very low-key ceremony (something I somewhat regret), more as a formality on being together.

 

Our relationship hit a rocky point 18 months ago when my husband's work stress and midlife crisis found an outlet in his sportbike (motorcycle). It, and his riding club, eat up a lot of his free time and money. Our first major fights in years were caused by two things. One, him using most of our savings and tax refund for buying expensive upgrades instead of splitting it to help pay for our vacation to Hawaii. He said I communicated the split as 80/20, not 60/40. It was a case of selective hearing. Two, he spends lots of time with his riding club who is a new family to them and resented I had my reservations about them. We were in a rocky spot for almost a week in that argument. His club-members are nice enough but we have little in common, they are smokers/drinkers, and conversations are awkward though I have tried to educate myself on his hobby.

 

We are going in two different directions now. We don't talk about many things (politics, current events, science, social issues) because I've become accustomed to monosyllable answers as he isn't interested or has little to say. I've heard "You're too smart for me" so many times, despite him being a very intelligent man. He talks about leaving his job in the city to start a garage in a rural area (another point he got hostile on when I expressed reservations about moving out there). His sportbike/club take up a lot of his free time. We spend time together locked in a routine that would be great for friends but isn't for lovers and partners. I've started picking up new hobbies and making new friends slowly which he and my friends/family encouraged because I was reluctant to pursue these things alone. He has gone so far to encourage me to travel abroad by myself if I want. Can a marriage stay together with this dynamic?

 

The second problem, then, is a brilliant, attractive and single man I have met in the course of pursuing my hobbies. We have had long, scintillating discussions and for the first time in months, years even, I've found someone who makes me want to strive. He has experience in areas which directly interest me professionally and personally. We went through several similar experiences in our past, and being able to mutually express our frustrations, epiphanies, and thoughts to someone who _gets_ it has been amazing and refreshing.

 

But he is not my husband. In fact, he doesn't know I'm married-- I've skirted that fact for fear, now, in the past several weeks-- and I have to tell him. It's almost laughable (and certainly sobbable) that we make lovely friends. If I were single, I'd be with him in a heartbeat. I have an obvious crush on him and I am afraid, given time, this will come into something more. However, with one relationship on the wane, I am in a predicament that is tearing me apart.

 

How do I tell my friend who I feel strongly for about my husband?

Should I consider a separation?

Is even entertaining ideas about my friend ridiculous, when I should try to reconcile things in my marriage?

 

I still care for my husband. Even if we divorced tomorrow that would never change. He loves me a great deal though we are distant right now.

 

I do not know where this could go with my friend once he finds out. Presuming our friendship/interest survives, and I became available, the prospect of a relationship is there. But I know in my heart I would rather be in a long-term relationship rather than single. Throwing away everything on a chance... or staying and working on somewhere I feel like I am stifled, dwindling, and possibly making the other partner unhappy? What do I do?

 

Please help.

Ok E... let me ask you a question. If you discovered your husband was feeling the way you are feeling and pursing a potential relationship with another man... how would you feel? How would your heart feel? I ask you this because I just went through a similar situation with my wife-to-be and it has severely damaged our relationship. Why? Let me put it in perspective for you. I have been with my fiancee for 13 years. What she was seeking was intimacy and desire. She stated I have been an amazing man but she felt some frustrations about some early issues in our relationship and never addressed those issues. In turn, she went looking for comfort, desire, satisfaction, intimacy, etc in another man. Although she felt she had 80% of what she needed in me... she attempted to find the 20% she felt she was missing in another man. The 20% she found in this other man was exactly what she was looking for because she told this man about me and our family then shared she did not want her decision to affect either one. In turn, she told the man what she wanted and needed... and he told her everything she needed to hear to increase her desire for intimacy. Eventually... they slept together and were discovered by me. The moral of this story is this... why go and seek the 20% you are missing with another man? If the person you are with already has 80% of what you are looking for... wouldn't it be easier to work on the 20% versus trying to discover the 80% in another man? If you choose to pursue the 20%... the 80% you have may be reduced to that 20% or less... and then you will feel more incomplete than ever. Yes... my fiancee is having a very difficult time. Why? Because she has seen the change in us... and in our relationship... forever. The trust and love between us was broken. Why... because she chose not to communicate with me regarding her challenges or issues within our relationship. What does this mean? This means I will never look into her eyes and feel safe again... it means I will always guard my heart... just in case... it means the hopes and dreams I had for us will need to be revisited and thought over... it means the unconditional love I once felt for her... will become conditional. Is that what you want to feel or cause your husband to feel. "What is not good for the beehive is not good for the bees." I hope this helps...

[kevinm1019]

Ooookkay... There are several issues here, but they all go back to one thing: HONESTY.

You need to be honest with both of your men.

Tell your friend that you are married. Tell your friend that you are attracted to him. Tell your friend that you respect yourself, him, and your husband enough not to have an affair.

Then tell your husband the exact same thing about your friend.

You both are unhappy in your marriage. You need to be open enough with each other to determine whether you want to make the effort to save your marriage, or let each other go.

She is absolutely right about being forthcoming with both men... but you also need to help your husband understand why you have reached this point... then work on strengthening things between the two of you.

[Eurydice]

Ooookkay... There are several issues here, but they all go back to one thing: HONESTY. You need to be honest with both of your men.

Tell your friend that you are married. Tell your friend that you are attracted to him. Tell your friend that you respect yourself, him, and your husband enough not to have an affair.

Then tell your husband the exact same thing about your friend.

You both are unhappy in your marriage. You need to be open enough with each other to determine whether you want to make the effort to save your marriage, or let each other go.

Thank you for the feedback. My husband is happier than I am, I think, but honestly I don't know to what degree. It is not an easy conversation to just bring up. "How are we doing?" or "Look, what are your major goals for the next ten years, because I don't know where I am trying to head."...? I do not want to leave this a rat's nest of lies, deceptions, and untruths. If for whatever reason we decide to end our relationship, I do not want to stand on a bad footing with my husband. I do not want to venture into a second relationship with a besmirched reputation that my friend, if we end up trying to make a go of it, will never be able to get past.

 

My friend has told me he's attracted to me. I haven't tried to encourage it, leaving things as they are. But I think, yes, they both have to know. My husband deserves to know I am unhappy. My friend has to know where I stand. If that drives him off, I admit it's going to hurt an awful lot but better now than never knowing.

[Eurydice]

Ok E... let me ask you a question. If you discovered your husband was feeling the way you are feeling and pursing a potential relationship with another (wo)man... how would you feel?

 

Honestly? While I would absolutely mourn what has been lost, I would embrace him lovingly and give him the space he needed to figure it out. If it was truly what would make him happy then I would let him go. No, I have no illusions anything of this nature would be at all easy, and I am terrified of being alone, unloved, and unwanted. I would sooner burn to death (my second greatest fear) than be left alone.

 

But I don't think I could stand in the way of someone I care for, even if it's not in the level and the spark that it used to be, by demanding they be something they are not, somewhere they do not wish to be, and suffering at some level because of it.

 

What she was seeking was intimacy and desire.

Ours has suffered. In part I have body image issues, and always have, but I started working out to counterbalance these, and the endorphins are helping with my self-esteem. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been much in the way of supportive in picking up a healthy lifestyle himself. He doesn't set aside the time for the gym. He isn't interested much. I cook healthy and he'll eat that, but he's not invested himself nearly as much. Another example of our diverging interests, I find it hard to be totally passionate about him and his appearance when I am trying my darnedest to make a healthy lifestyle change and he isn't much up for his own initiative.

 

It does not help one bit that my friend is far more motivated, and physically highly appealing.

 

She attempted to find the 20% she felt she was missing in another man. The moral of this story is this... why go and seek the 20% you are missing with another man? If the person you are with already has 80% of what you are looking for...

You're honestly right here. I sit here weighing up what I *do* have in my SO, which is a great deal, and what I stand to gain from my friend. It isn't an easy equation. It rips me down the middle and I'm exhausted from trying to wade through what on earth my tangled emotions are telling me. I have tried in many cases to push for that extra 20%, so to speak, to limited value. My husband is willing to go out to more restaurants, for example, and show some interest in my different hobbies. I turn to my friends for people to go to art galleries, museums, and whatnot with where he would have no interest. The point is, though, I *want* to do this with my SO. I want to share those travel experiences, those silly insights with him. And he's not really tuned in completely. He listens, but it isn't the same as an active recipient.

 

My friend, who has nothing to gain at the moment other than feeling somewhat attracted, is fulfilling this. Yes, I realize this isn't a tenable situation if I am feeling the attraction in response.

 

I just don't know what to do. I see so many sides of this, and in the end, all I can do is put my head in my hands. I cannot force someone to change. I am happy in many ways, but I feel like I am stagnating, without direction, and here is someone who gets me as I am. The allure is unquestionably very strong.

[Eurydice]

First trip for IC was informative and galvanized me enough to get moving upon three critical things: tell the OM I'm married, write down a list of what I want from my H/M, and write down a list of what I think my H wants from me/M.

 

In addition I got a few strategies to try to cope with some irrational fears by challenging them. Could I *not* live without contact from my friend? Of course I could. Would it suck? Yes. What makes it unbearable? Nothing, nor does it make me a terrible person if he decides to go on his way. When these will start translating into logic without making me feel a tad weepy, I don't know. Unfortunately the session is very much out of my price range to do on a regular basis but I figure at least asking about reduced cost of therapy. I'm also on a list for lower cost therapy but there's a waiting list for it due to limited resources.

 

I sent a letter to my friend (the OM) yesterday night, late, after I knew he was unlikely to read it. Maybe that's a callous way out of doing it but it was the best way for me to get my thoughts into order. It was short but not impersonal. Now? Now I wait to see the reaction.

 

Now I try to throw myself into other things and I wait. And I wait. And I fight off the dread.