stace79 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 This is exhausting - bear with me. My ex-fiance and I had a host of issues, including an intrusive ex-girlfriend, he moved away for a better job and two pregnancies/miscarriages. Read previous posts for more background, please. After almost four years of off/on drama, I finally accepted we were not meant for each other and broke it off with finality. I stopped speaking to him for a couple months. (December-January). We then started talking occasionally again, maybe once a week. He has made it very clear that he wants to work things out with me, but slowly over time and through going to a counselor. He has volunteered to drive here once a month to attend counseling with me and visit me. Challenges here are he lives seven hours away (had moved for a better job prior to our breakup); our families will probably not be thrilled about us working things out b/c of all the drama; I am not sure I'm still "in love" with him, although I care very much about him and I could describe it as loving still. Positives are: he has started going to church regularly (I was concerned about our religious differences), he has become self-sufficient living on his own without me or his family nearby, he has taken more pride in himself (always trying to look presentable, keeping his place relatively clean and orderly), going out and being more active (he used to spend a lot of time at home and didn't want to do things with me or anyone). Problem is I have to somewhat take his word for it as he lives so far away. IF I decided to give things another shot, how would I determine it's not just because I am lonely or wanting to get back that comfortable feeling with someone who already knows me inside/out? I am so hesitant because we went through hell together and I was miserable for a large portion of the time we were together. I have been working on my self-esteem and learning who I am as an individual, and at the same time he has stated that he was before very selfish and narcissistic. He even told me last night on the phone that he had always thought he was God's gift and any girl was lucky to be with him -- now looking at old photos of us he thinks he was "an idiot" and that he "must have done a great sales job" to get me. I am just so frightened that if we got back together, things will go back how they were. I really don't know what to do here.
kickintheaz Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 hello Stace... I was gonna ask how ya been, but the above kinda says it all.. seems like ex has taken big strides in making himself into a better man.. (poster boy for the 'so you want a second chance' guide thats on here!) its understandable to be afraid and hesitant, its been a long time since we first met here last oct/nov.. think of all that you've accomplished in that time and now here you are, at a crossroads you thought you'd never be stopped at... IF I decided to give things another shot, how would I determine it's not just because I am lonely or wanting to get back that comfortable feeling with someone who already knows me inside/out? I'n not sure you need to make a conscious decision to 'yay' or 'nay' it just yet.. what about starting things slow, going to meet initially and see if there is a spark there, you don't have to be 'in love' right now with him, that can come back in time, but if there are mutual feelings there akin to what ye had before all the drama then its as good a starting place as any? You have already recognised the changes in him and I know you have gone through some aswell which he has more than likely recognised too if ye are still in contact? You know what I went (and am going) through and I would be well behind you to go for it, slowly, see if ye can reconnect as a couple, not rushing into counselling etc.. but just spending some time together and see what happens, again. And as to the families, PLEASE don't worry about them, they will support any decision you make cos they love you, but their thoughts are not the reason for you not to try this.. as to worrying about will things go back to the way they were?? well, theres 2 people who can ensure that that doesn't happen... oh, and I was flicking through some of earlier conversations on here.. found this.. still think like this (since you said it!)? I just know, that if this works out, neither of us would ever have a worry about our R because we've been through the absolute wringer -- I can't imagine any worse scenarios other than one of us getting a serious or terminal illness... but we'd have worked through so much, there would be no doubt in my head that we could make it through anything and that our love was as strong as possible.
zoltan Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 No need to rush into the relationship again. Four years of off and on fighting will take a little bit of time to let things settle down and start fresh. I agree with Kickintheaz, just see him occassionally, see how you two feel for each other, and see where it goes from there. Never rush into a relationship, especially one where theres been fighting for years. Remember, love is patient. Goodluck !!
DustySaltus Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I think what you need to figure out first is whether or not he is actually doing these things OR just telling you what you want to hear. A second chance is doomed unless the problems that led to the breakup in the first place are addressed and fixed. His offer to meet with you to attend counseling seems sincere and the right thing to do should you want to revisit the relationship. It will be a tough road but nothing is insurmountable if BOTH people are willing to work at it. The question is, are you willing to work at it because so many others would rather move on to something new. Patching things up takes a lot of heavy lifting and unless you are willing to do that, it won't work out.
Author stace79 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 thanks for the responses! you've pointed out some interesting thoughts. i don't think it will matter now. he and i had a discussion today and he felt like we should go to counseling to air all our "grievances" with a mediator present. he feels like a lot could be said that would hurt each other. at one point i just got the impression that he'd done something while we've been broken up that he thought would upset me. he kept saying that he wouldn't share everything with me unless i agreed to forgive him and not hold it against him. suspicious, no? anyway he finally said forget it, if there was anything he could have done while we were broken up that could make me not want to rekindle things. so i said fine, have it your way. this is the same manipulation i was used to with him previously. no thank you.
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