revenge

[canyoubelievethis]

My wife had a one night affair that she told me about 10 months ago, it happened two years ago.

I have come to accept why it happened and I do forgive her for what she did. I have lingering issues with the guy who took advantage. of course it takes two to do this and she has to share the blame. she was drunk, lonely for a long time because we were not good, she was at a conference and her co worker, who previously made it know he was hot for her, hung onto her for two hours, kept telling her how hot she is, which lead to it happening. This person lives 5 miles from my house and I want revenge on him, his wife now knows because when I found out I made it known I was furious and he blew up, got drunk and told his wife. That alone made me happy.

But I want more, my wife has said he is a good man who made a mistake and we have fought over this many times. I think he is a sleaze, he lust had a baby and had only been married for about a year. my wife and I have been married 17 yrs.

how can I get back at this man?????????

[anne1707]

You have already told his wife. Surely that is enough?

 

The best thing you can do is focus on whether you want your marriage and if so work on that with your wife. If you keep seeking revenge, you will never be able to move on. Is that what you really want?

[TaraMaiden]

You sound 15.

I'm sure you're not, but you sound it....

What kind of revenge are you looking for?

His wife knows, and everything's out in the open.

This is an indication of the fact that you are soooo not over this.

But it happened a long time ago....and she told you a long time ago.

 

What was happening in your relationship at the time of the affair?

Was there an issue which was prominently affecting things between you?

 

 

Honestly?

You have to take your focus off this man, and concentrate on making things really good between you and your wife.

The more you focus on him, the more you're neglecting what matters:

Your marriage.

Quit looking for the payback. Get your love back.

Because whilst you feel like this, it's lacking.

[canyoubelievethis]

at the time i was going through depreesion, it lasted a long time, there was no love for her and she fell off.

what kind of revenge? I am angry at this guy for taking advantage because he knew what was going on, because my wife shared too much with him.

 

I may sound 15 with my anger but I am not. what wa done to me is life long damage, I want him to experience the same thing. eye for an eye, and no, I dont want to sleep with his wife.

 

I know it sounds child like, but I am very angry

[anne1707]

Have you considered individual counselling to help you deal with this? You should not still be feeling this level of anger.

[canyoubelievethis]

we have and we are. and we are doing ok. my anger now is all directed at him.

I know it sound childish, but him want him to hurt. more than he is now

 

thanks

[anne1707]

What do you want more? Your marriage or revenge?

[canyoubelievethis]

I want both.

My marriage will be ok, in fact, when I am not angry it has been better than it ever was.

why cant I have revenge and my marriage? this guys is an ass who thinks he is so cool, well i want to make sure he knows how Ii think and I need to show him, for me! that would make me feel better, no matter how sick that might sound

[TaraMaiden]

we have and we are. and we are doing ok. my anger now is all directed at him.

I know it sound childish, but him want him to hurt. more than he is now

 

thanks

Why? what good would it do?

Why would you want to purposely inflict pain and suffering on another human under the mistaken impression that it would be a good thing for you if they did?

 

Do you realise that the more damage we do, or intend to do to others, the more we end up harming ourselves?

The best 'revenge' you could practice is to show him how much stronger your marriage is, how much more devoted you and your wife are to one another, and how insignificant his presence in your life is.

Indifference would be the best revenge of all.

[anne1707]

I want both.

My marriage will be ok, in fact, when I am not angry it has been better than it ever was.

why cant I have revenge and my marriage? this guys is an ass who thinks he is so cool, well i want to make sure he knows how Ii think and I need to show him, for me! that would make me feel better, no matter how sick that might sound

 

Well as you have just said, your marriage is better when you are not angry. You cannot have both - if you stay angry, it will erode away at your marriage and stop you making any form of recovery. Seriously what more do you want. You have told his wife and now they are dealing with all the pain and cr** that comes from something like this just as you and your wife are.

 

If you think you are justified in inflicting physical harm on him then are you also saying that it would be OK for his wife to hurt your wife? After all, your wife chose to do this just as much as he did.

[TaraMaiden]

I want both.

My marriage will be ok, in fact, when I am not angry it has been better than it ever was.

It should be better than it ever was, no matter how you feel. But for it to be better "when you're not angry" implies that when you are, it goes through the wringer.

And this is YOUR fault. Not your wife's....

 

 

why cant I have revenge and my marriage?

Because by focussing such antipathy and anger on this man, you re-ignite guilt, animosity and resentment in your wife. This is neither good for you, nor her. What you're effectively doing is continuing to rub her nose in it, because you're telling her "This is not over, I'm still mad and I will not rest or devote myself to you 100% until I get what I want."

 

this guys is an ass who thinks he is so cool, well i want to make sure he knows how Ii think and I need to show him, for me! that would make me feel better, no matter how sick that might sound

he doesn't care how you think. if he ever did, he wouldn't have porked your wife in the first place. All he cares about is that his world was rocked and that now he has a baby to care for too....he's young and he had a fling with a bored, frustrated and neglected woman.

Jeesh, look after you and your wife and move on....!

[canyoubelievethis]

quess you are right. My marriage will and is fine. I do not want to cause pain or physically hurt him, just annoy him somehow

 

Thanks for your comments

[dazzle22]

They say anger is a 'secondary' emotion, meaning that it covers an underlying emotion that is too painful for the psyche to look at, at the time. My guess is that may be hurt, or fear about possible recurrence. It could also be displaced, as in you are really angry at your wife, really angry, but do not feel you can let that out appropriately. I'd be so PO'd at my husband for something like this, it would be hard to restrain myself..

[canyoubelievethis]

i know he doesnt care about me, but he will and i want him too

[nobmagnet]

HI,

 

My ex had an affaire and is still with her now (well he was last week:)) I might just have to meet her soon. I have had thoughts of chucking a bucket of water over her or a cream cake in the mush and worse:D:D

 

But its pointless. Yes I might love seeing her humiliated but at the same time run the risk of her seeing a bad side to me (which in all honesty i dont have) The best thing I can do is smile and look my best and be polite. What she did to me and the kids was horrible but my best revenge is that she is with him and thats revenge enough in my book for he is no catch :p:p

 

This Worm you hate so much is going through his own poo from his wife. That is enough revenge in my book.

 

You mention if your not angry you relationship is good. So I ask you if you shouldnt consider anger management. I beleive you are over the top in your attitude to this Worm. Although, as I say i understand it.

 

Nobby xx

[TaraMaiden]

quess you are right. My marriage will and is fine. I do not want to cause pain or physically hurt him, just annoy him somehow

 

Thanks for your comments

Yeah, right.

Quick turn around and thanks for input.

 

What you mean is that you were hoping somebody would see your side of things, support you, back you up and tell you how justified you are, and maybe even give you a couple of pointers.

 

This abrupt end remark tells me that you are just as hacked off at him as you were before, but you're not going to post any more because people are obviously not on your wavelength, so you're not going to waste your time here, but you're going to think about it and maybe see where else you could find someone to agree with you.

 

or am I completely wrong?

 

Come back and tell me that in a matter of an hour or so, you've changed an opinion you've had for two years, because of four posts from complete strangers?

 

 

What do you think of what I think....?

[canyoubelievethis]

thank you, and i am sorry for what you went through. I may have spoken out of place. I do not have much anger towards my wife, i love her, i do get sad sometimes that she did this. i am angry at this man, his wife knowing is not enough for me. i do not want to go to jail over him but there are many ways to get back. i know that sounds so wrong, but why should i care about him and what happens to him, he made his bed so he should sleep in it, he made a choice to do what he did, knowing i live near by, knowing i know where he lives, etc. he is stupid, but that is not enough for me. he marked my life forever, my wife and i will be ok, but him? well we'll see.

 

i sound like an ass? i am not, i am a good, sweet person, most of the time, until i get pushed

[canyoubelievethis]

hey, really wasnt loking for support or someone to change my mind, and i am not going to run away because people dont agree with me, i really dont care. i just wanted to hear what others thought.

 

for those that dont understand, maybe they never went through this aweful thing.

 

and for those who are going to do it, beware, there are crazy ? people like me out there.

so if you are going to put you #@$* in someone else you better be prepared to have it removed by someone!!!!!!

 

so be it

[anne1707]

Why are you posting here? Everybody here has told you that you need to let this go and get on with your marriage - are we all wrong? Maybe we have learnt through our own personal experience that what you are suggesting is wrong. Certainly Nobmagnet and I know this from differing sides of the affair triangle and as for Tara, she does not suffer fools.

 

If you carry on like this, you will destroy your marriage.

[canyoubelievethis]

and oh yeah, i havent had this thought for two years, i just found out last june

[TaraMaiden]

The affair took place 2 years ago. You found out 10 months ago.

It's been festering and brewing all that time, and bubbling resentfully ever since then.

What you don't seem to understand is that by harbouring this feeling, you haven't got over it, and your wife is not off the hook, because you still want to take some kind of vengeful action against this man.

As Anne pointed out, how would you feel if his wife took out some kind of retribution against your wife?

made her feel the way you want him to feel?

What is it you want to do against him?

Because if his wife did that to your wife, would you support HIS wife and agree that your wife should still suffer for what she did?

 

What was she thinking?

With so much more experience under her belt, and a long and eventful marriage, why would she go looking for a young buck just starting out on his own marriage?

Why would she wilfully jeopardise the future of two people just starting out on their own?

His wife would be just as justified....right?

It would serve your wife right....wouldn't it?

 

Think about it.

Really.

Do. It's a valid point.

[nobmagnet]

Hi,

 

IMO its still along time of anger and i can only assume its getting worse for you to be posting on here?

 

anger can help you deal with some emotions at the beggining and not having a pity party for one (we all do that) However your anger now and feelings of revenge should have subsided. They can be helped by talking to a councellor about you extream feelings toward this Worm. and I say this because I wouldnt want you to get into trouble over this.

 

Put it this way......and its not about relationships. I lived in a posh street, they hated us because we had a VW Campervan instead or a merc. they did all sorts of vengful things (calling the council because at christmas we but our bin out a day early) ect. Now i could have bought a car from the scrap yard with no MOT or TAX and parked it infront of this nasty guys house and registered it in his name then called the police to snitch but i didnt. (i would have loved to tho) All we did was sell the house for a stonking proffit and on moving day had to park the camperven infront of his house for a couple of hours. As My ex drove away in it (i drove the lorry following) she, the camper, decided to dump her sump infront of his house. I swear i didnt losen the drain plug its what campers do somethimes:laugh: anyhoo he came out saw the van down the road and trod in the oil. I sat there watched this and thought of Karma then moved to our new home with no neighbours.

 

I am trying to say that he will indeed get his cummopance. His wife might be on LS and planning to dump him. Consentrate on you beloved wife and put him out of your head.

 

nobby xx

[canyoubelievethis]

thank you so much for your thoughts and opinion