allez102 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I'm a 20 y/o female with a big problem that's destroying me inside When I was in school, aged 13, a boy in my grade I hardly knew got my MSN and said he fancied me, and we 'dated' for a few months before we ended it (we were v young!). Gradually after that, we both fell into the same group of friends at school- 5 boys and 5 girls. We were all incredibly close, right up till our senior year. In the summer after we left highschool me and the boy hung out a lot and got very close. He'd just broken up with my best friend and needed a shoulder to cry on, and I was there for him. He became very obsessed with me, which I secretly liked. Every day he'd ring me, every day we'd hang out, and we had a great friendship. Once he kissed me quickly on the lips, but I didn't really think much of it. Things took a turn when we all went to different colleges/universities. This boy was a long way away from me, but we used to text every day. He started saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and thought I was beautiful etc etc. However, as he used to go out with my best friend, there's no WAY we could ever be in a relationship. Anyway, we ended up sleeping together whenever we were both at home from college for that whole year. But at the same time, unusual things started happening. He started seeing another girl which, although hard for me, I knew that we didn't 'own' each other, so I pretended like I didn't care. One day he told me he was coming home on the weekend and said I should too, so we could hang out. So I drove home (4 hr drive!), and when I got in my best friend rang for a chat. We were just talking when she said 'So what are you doing tonight? i hear (boy's name) is seeing that girl later'. By 'that girl', she meant the one she was seeing. So i immediately knew he'd double booked himself. How did he get out of it? He didn't even contact me. I rang him the next day saying i knew exactly why he didn't contact me and that I was very annoyed. He never apologised. The next time I spoke/saw to him was at a birthday party. I got drunk and ended up speaking to him, and we ended up becoming friends again and I let what he'd done slip. But since then, occasions like that have become regular, just to name a few: - He REGULARLY texts me asking if he can come visit me in uni, to which I say 'sure ' and we plan it all, and then when it comes to that day, he either won't contact me, or he'll have an excuse that he'll use as last minute as possible. Does he get a kick out of doing this? - One weekend when i was home, he told me he was coming home too to go to a concert, and he'd come and see me after. He never contacted me. A bit of Myspace stalking informed me that he was planning on seeing some girl from the internet who lives near us that night too, so obviously thats where he went. He text me the next morning saying he was sorry he never contacted me, it was cos 'his phone broke.' I went CRAZY and he got very aggressive back at me. - When we are with our group of friends at home, when he gets drunk he insults me in front of everyone, sometimes very nastily. Then when i confront him he is all like 'oh lighten up/calm down/you're overreacting' etc. - All this vacation i've been texting him asking if he wants to meet up, but he always has an excuse, although he has seen EVERY other person in our friendship group at least once - On his birthday last January, I made the trip up to his college to visit him on his birthday. For my upcoming birthday in May? He's throwing a party for his brother and told all our friends to go, and forget about my birthday party. - He goes CRAZY when he finds out i've kissed another guy, and demanded that I have to tell him next time.. even though he's slept with about 10 people in college and never told me about that. So WHY do I still want to be his friend? Well when we're together I honestly have the best time. We just click, he's absolutely hilarious and we have such a good time. I just feel so energised and good around him. Also, he texts me nearly daily with saucy texts and saying how much he wants to make love to me and stuff like that, which makes me feel all wanted But when it comes down to actually meeting up, it just never happens. He treats me so badly but i've fallen for him so bad. We've been through so much together, it would break my heart to let him go as a friend. Once I told him i felt like he was just using me for sex and we weren't like friends anymore, and he apologised, but it went back to old habits very shortly after. He gets very aggressive and defensive if I ever try and confront him about any of this I get the feeling he now sees spending time with me as a friend as a chore. What do I do? Sorry this was so long.. I just needed to get it out. What's the next step? I love him but i hate him too!
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Please reread you post several times and think about it. Imagine you were reading that post from a stranger, and wanted to give her advice. I think you'd tell her to leave him, and move on, because the good stuff is not nearly worth the bad stuff.
dazzle22 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 My guess is that your compulsion to keep going back to someone who treats you so badly has something to do with repeating a pattern that you learned in your family of origin that feels like a familiar role. It is always behind behavior we feel compelled to do, even if it is bad for us..
Author allez102 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Please reread you post several times and think about it. Imagine you were reading that post from a stranger, and wanted to give her advice. I think you'd tell her to leave him, and move on, because the good stuff is not nearly worth the bad stuff. I know, you're right But it's hard.. we still have the same group of friends, so cutting him out of my life wouldn't really work, would it?
Author allez102 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 My guess is that your compulsion to keep going back to someone who treats you so badly has something to do with repeating a pattern that you learned in your family of origin that feels like a familiar role. It is always behind behavior we feel compelled to do, even if it is bad for us.. Really? I can't think of a time when i've done this before though I just can't help it no matter how bad for me it is!
jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Allez you have to care about yourself and stop it. This boy is treating you very badly. Who cares if he wants to sleep with you - hed probably come to see you, sleep with you and ignore you after. Then where would you be? Stop responding to his texts. Stop telling him anything. Stop it all. You are obviously popular and have friends who care about you. You dont need attentoin from someone who doesnt appreciate you. It never gets better. You may have heard the line we teach people how to treat us. Well he has learned that no matter how badly he behaves you will still entertain the idea of hooking up with him. Change that. NOW
Author allez102 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Allez you have to care about yourself and stop it. This boy is treating you very badly. Who cares if he wants to sleep with you - hed probably come to see you, sleep with you and ignore you after. Then where would you be? Stop responding to his texts. Stop telling him anything. Stop it all. You are obviously popular and have friends who care about you. You dont need attentoin from someone who doesnt appreciate you. It never gets better. You may have heard the line we teach people how to treat us. Well he has learned that no matter how badly he behaves you will still entertain the idea of hooking up with him. Change that. NOW I think i'm in denial.. i'm too scared to admit i've been treated badly because then I know i've been an absolute fool for the past year. But thankyou, very inspirational advice.
blueyedgrl85 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Allez you have to care about yourself and stop it. This boy is treating you very badly. Who cares if he wants to sleep with you - hed probably come to see you, sleep with you and ignore you after. Then where would you be? Stop responding to his texts. Stop telling him anything. Stop it all. You are obviously popular and have friends who care about you. You dont need attentoin from someone who doesnt appreciate you. It never gets better. You may have heard the line we teach people how to treat us. Well he has learned that no matter how badly he behaves you will still entertain the idea of hooking up with him. Change that. NOW Exactly. This guy is not worth your time- he just strings you along to get what he wants (ie: sex, attention, etc.) and once HIS needs are fulfilled, he drops you like a hot potato. You deserve sooo much better but until you believe this, he will keep on hurting you.
hpblah Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Hey allez102 i read this story... and i made an account just to reply i dont mean to be rude at all, but this guy seems like a complete idiot!! He did just use you, and is now trying to control you... Dont let him!!!! you will have plenty of other options of men, and you will find someone else to click with, this man treats you with no respect at all, and sounds like a bit of a womaniser tbh he is not worth it, and he probably wants you be in this vulnerable state that your in so he can continue his attention seeking mind games!! forget about him, focus on other things in your life, and you should gain some self confidence before you jump into another relationship!! best of luck!! Hannah
SoleMate Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 ...we still have the same group of friends, so cutting him out of my life wouldn't really work, would it? OK then, it appears you're stuck there permanently in whatever capacity he chooses to use you.
carhill Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 What's the next step? I have a word I want you to learn... Unacceptable. Practice saying that in front of the mirror. It will be the last word he hears from you. The world is full of friendly, loving people. You don't need, require, nor have any debt to either he or your 'friends'. Mature people can relate to and *accept* endings. Time to show your maturity. Good luck 1
phineas Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 we still have the same group of friends, so cutting him out of my life wouldn't really work, would it? Are these the same friends that he did this in front of? When we are with our group of friends at home, when he gets drunk he insults me in front of everyone, sometimes very nastily. Then when i confront him he is all like 'oh lighten up/calm down/you're overreacting' etc If so & one of the other guys in the group didn't clean his clock for acting that way i'd just go find new friends. Back in the day, if someone acted like that towards another in the group they would stop being called to hang out. If a guy mistreated a woman in the group like that he got his ass kicked.
Author allez102 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 I have a word I want you to learn... Unacceptable. Practice saying that in front of the mirror. It will be the last word he hears from you. The world is full of friendly, loving people. You don't need, require, nor have any debt to either he or your 'friends'. Mature people can relate to and *accept* endings. Time to show your maturity. Good luck Thankyou Very insightful. I will definitely be getting rid of this guy very soon! 1
Author allez102 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Are these the same friends that he did this in front of? If so & one of the other guys in the group didn't clean his clock for acting that way i'd just go find new friends. Back in the day, if someone acted like that towards another in the group they would stop being called to hang out. If a guy mistreated a woman in the group like that he got his ass kicked. Yes those are the same friends. To be fair, my other friends do stick up for me a lot.
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