Where to from here..

[bolase]

I slept with my flatmate once after agreeing we didnt want relationships, but after that night, I told him I couldnt do anything casual and he agreed it wasn't his thing either. He went away for work recently and we were back to being friends flirting, but he knew one of my male friends was keen on me back home here, and kept texting an emailing me gushy things like "i've fallen for you", "I want to give you much more", "youre amazing, i just don't know how to proceed either"...."I'd gladly do it again" referring to when I thanked him for the date he took me on after we slept together just before he left.

 

but, when I asked him if we were going to make the leap to something with some level of commitment, he said he felt berated. After that we still emailed like little kids, him telling me all about his family and things at home, and dropping cute hints, saying even if we didn;t live together we would be trying to pursue me, had since we met and still was..

 

He suddenly stopped replying, to my last which was a pretty brief email.

 

He's back, and my other girl housemate who doesnt know what went on between us told me that he told her (sorry that's confusing) that he'd found a woman at a big family party he wasn having, and I don't know the details but obviously he slept with this person.

 

I guess I have no idea how to proceed from here, do I have a conversation and ask him about this woman, wait for him to tell me, sidesteping it? Yep, I have no option but to forget about his words to me these last 2 weeks, they were only words, but its pretty crushing all the same.

So much for having fallen for me, and ive started to let myself question whether we could work something out since he seemed to start feeling something for me

 

I have been as cool as I can possibly be since he's been back, keeping out of his way and doing my own things. The problem is that even though i will see where things go with my other friend, I am mad at my housemate for starting to give me hope that he actually cared, when it was...lies I guess. It hurts.

 

Should I confront him...keep staying out of his way...do I have to be nice to him just to keep the harmony? Argh!!! Hurting for the first time in ages. My ex was right, there are guys out there who will really screw with your mind.

 

 

Thanks

Edited April 5, 2010 by bolase

[bayouboi]

I'm not saying this is the case, and it would be highly manipulative if it were the case, but just suggesting this as one possibility because I've been guilty of doing it in the past.

 

When my last relationship felt like it was on the rocks, I started getting desperate to try and get my gf to desire me more. One way I did this was by hanging out with one of my platonic girlfriends a lot & dropping real subtle hints that she might be into me in an attempt to show my gf that other women found me desirable & perhaps make her a little jealous to hopefully urge her to make moves to keep me.

[DustySaltus]

but, when I asked him if we were going to make the leap to something with some level of commitment, he said he felt berated.

 

he'd found a woman at a big family party he wasn having, and I don't know the details but obviously he slept with this person.

 

I think you have your answer right here.

 

I would respond with Indifference. Maybe even think about getting a new apartment and a new outlook on things, although I don't know if that's feasible for you at this point.

[bolase]

Thanks but what do you mean don't respond with indifference?

 

I can't move out for 5 weeks, will possibly after that. So in the meantime, tell him that i can't respect what he did and have a talk....or just avoid him and stop being friends with him?

 

He is sitting silent on this woman and his lack of contact, only told my housemate about her. I just don't get why would he say he's fallen for me then do this - what does he now expect is gonna happen living with me? Is his week of sudden silence just guilt? or completely stopping having feelings?

[confused and broken]

I'm not sure what's going through his head but he sounds like a jerk

The whole relationship between the two of you started in a really weird space (as in neither of you wanting a relationship, but jumping in bed) that is never a good way to start a long term committed relationship

He doesn't deserve a conversation from you

You need to pretend that you don't give a s*&t

Don't ever give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke your heart

Move on with your life

[DustySaltus]

Thanks but what do you mean don't respond with indifference?

 

Respond with Indifference meaning his actions don't have any bearing on your feelings.

 

I can't move out for 5 weeks, will possibly after that. So in the meantime, tell him that i can't respect what he did and have a talk....or just avoid him and stop being friends with him?

 

Well, if you want to have a talk with him, by all means go ahead but the question is what are you trying to get out of this talk? He clearly said he didn't want a relationship and is sleeping with other girls. What is there to talk about?

 

He is sitting silent on this woman and his lack of contact, only told my housemate about her. I just don't get why would he say he's fallen for me then do this - what does he now expect is gonna happen living with me? Is his week of sudden silence just guilt? or completely stopping having feelings?

 

It seems like at this point he wants a Friends with Benefits situation. That's where his head is at right now if you ask me.

[make me believe]

I'm sorry to say this, but he never had feelings for you in the first place. After you guys slept together you said you couldn't do casual sex, so he stepped up a little bit with the sweet-talk in an attempt to seem slightly more boyfriend-ish to make you possibly feel comfortable having sex with him again. But he had no intent of ever actually becoming your boyfriend, which is why he can claim he's fallen for you, but then say he won't give you any kind of commitment. Sorry, but he was just trying to butter you up for more sex.

 

I am mad at my housemate for starting to give me hope that he actually cared, when it was...lies I guess. It hurts.

 

As you should be! He is a complete jerk for doing this to you.

I just would ignore this situation completely if I were you. Honestly, you have nothing to confront him about because technically he never made you any promises, so he didn't owe you anything. I would just treat him very casually, don't let on that you're upset, but don't be super buddy-buddy with him either. He's shown that he's no friend of yours, so don't waste anymore time on him.

[bolase]

just to vent, we talked, after he asked me about guys in my life and what was going on with my guy friend, pretending it was all sunshine and roses between us. I didnt take the bait and told him I was keeping that to myself because no one needed to know, but he pressed on, so we had a TALK..

 

I told him that he'd said gushy things then dropped out of contact and I couldn't respect him for that, and I didnt have time for any guy who treated me that way. He was upset but still kept looking deep into my eyes and searching for me to show some emotions..said he did want me...I held strong.

 

He said he didnt think I was completely ready to jump either, and didnt know what would happen if he did propose a relationship, so he needed the week to think. I told him yes I woud have, but I had lost respect over the past weeks behaviour and was seeing where things went with the other guy.

 

He said he felt like he was missing out, and that nothing happened with the girl at his party, he just met a great girl and it wasnt because of that that he stopped contacting me. He said he did mean those things at the time, but admitted that a casual thing is the ideal for his life at the moment, though that changes when you meet the right person. I feel better with my feelings out there even though he probably loves knowing I did want more.

He's not going to get more, even though he told me just now that he loves looking into my eyes but it makes him like me even more.

 

Hard trying to pretend I wasnt hurt, but we hugged and talked lightly after and it was okay.

[bolase]

Is there anything I can do at this point to pay him back for being just a dckhead? I guess i made my point that I don't trust his words anymore since they are just words..but what would make a guy actually feel bad for that kind of behaviour?

 

I guess not a lot, just move on and see other guys but Ill still be his friend, having let him know that I wasnt cool with what he did on a friends level.

[confused and broken]

You broke NC and now you feel like sh*t

classic

trust me I do it all the time

the only pay back is stick to a strict NC in your case it will have to be minimal contact

If you let him suck you in you will end up feeling like you do right now

Talking to him= bad decision

BUT it's too late now

LEARN from your mistake I know I haven't and that is why I continue to torture myself

[bolase]

nah I feel better and looser about it now, theres nothing left unsaid..but staying out of the way from here on is a good idea.

 

we live together! NC is NOT an option, so...