Not quite Sex...what the hell do I do now?

[red_barchetta]

Alright, so you may remember me from a few days ago asking about first kisses and all that jazz. Well, things have been moving rather quickly with this new girl, with us making out heavily last night, and then tonight, I went over to her place to "watch a movie."

 

Keep in mind this is my first real relationship ever (sadly, at 25--she's 28) and I'm still a virgin (even as I write this, which I'll get to in a second). She does not know this.

 

Alright, so after the movie, we start making out and clothes start slowly coming off. Before long, we're both just left in our boxers/panties and are sort of dry humping while kissing.

 

Now here's we we run into trouble.

 

Mr. Happy decided to do nothing...at all. And I didn't know what the hell to do, short of being super embarrassed,, so I just awkwardly avoided mentioning it altogether. At one point, she even asked "Am I doing something wrong?" and "it's my fault" which I assured her it wasn't. I do find her very attractive, but even with all the bumping and grinding and massaging, nothing was happening! We ended the night by just making out some more and spooning, but underwear remained on for both of us.

 

So what the hell do I do now? What do I tell her? Do I wait until I see her next and tell her I'm totally inexperienced and maybe it was the nerves? I don't even know how to bring this up without it being super awkward...

 

Argh...this sucks. The one chance I've ever had with a woman and my stupid body is blowing it for me

Edited April 5, 2010 by red_barchetta

[Bejita463]

Were it me, I would just be honest with the lady. You were nervous, and didn't want to make a mistake, and your nerves and desire to not make a mistakes caused you performance anxiety. Simply letting her know about that, would probably help.

 

I have a shy bladder. When I was in the military I had to do random drug tests where someone has to literally watch the urine exit your body and enter the sample container. They are waiting on you. Hurry up and pee already. That is specifically what makes me bladder shy in the FIRST place. As strange as it might sound, simply telling that observer that I am bladder shy always helped me.

 

That observer didn't care. He didn't even want to be there. That lady does; she does.

[matteomricci]

I concur with bejita. Your nervous and sharing your feelings with your friend will make things immediately better. Don't be afraid to share what is going on!

[TouchedByViolet]

I disagree with the above posts. Don't get into details about how you are nervous, inexperienced, and anxious. Simply tell her it was you and leave it at that, getting into details can be TMI. I'm sure right now this girl is doing research on how to improve her technique, and maybe some new moves for you haha. Let her think of how to up her game while you figure yourself out.

 

Were you sober? Do you feel comfortable with her? Are you fearful of something happening? The key is to relax and have a good time.

 

Maybe try focusing on pleasuring her. Seeing her have a great time could get you in the right state of mind. Good luck

[marsle85]

I'm sure right now this girl is doing research on how to improve her technique, and maybe some new moves for you haha. Let her think of how to up her game while you figure yourself out.

 

Yup. Yup. Yup. Don't tell her. You're just playing your hand and taking away the challenge.

 

Maybe try focusing on pleasuring her. Seeing her have a great time could get you in the right state of mind. Good luck

 

On the dot. I think you may be letting her take charge because of your inexperience - and it's very likely she already KNOWS you're inexperienced. Try taking charge. She will enjoy it more, you'll enjoy it more. Sex isn't hard. It's primal. Grab her, nibble, anything you want. Do what feels right to you. She will respond to your pursuit more than she'll respond to the specific things you do. My favorite part of sex is when I'm being thrown around, pulled here or there. It's so sexy. Let her enjoy it- don't make it so schedule. Go down on her- regardless of whether you can get it up from there or not- she will know you're trying to please her, and you're into it.

[red_barchetta]

Okay. so we've got two in the "tell her" camp, and two in the "TMI" camp...dammit! =P

 

I guess my biggest worry is, if I don't tell her, my complete ineptitude will come through even more so...and what if it happens again?! I don't know if I (or her!) could deal with that...plus I barely even know what I'm doing.

 

But on the other hand, I don't know what might happen if I told her. Would that be an instant turn-off?

 

Ack, so confused!

[silic0ntoad]

Dude, just get some over the counter viagra. My buddy struggles with performance anxiety and he takes it for the first few times with a girl so he can get comfortable and used to it. I tried it once, wasn't my bag as I don't have that issue, but it's an easy, quiet, hush hush fix

[Bejita463]

I don't see how it makes any sense that being honest can be 'TMI' with someone who was about to let you stick your penis in her. That aside, they might be right, but I'd be more interested in trying to keep it from happening again were I you. Honesty might be a bit off putting, but a repeat performance would be more off putting. Without any communication I would be more nervous the second time for exactly the reasons you listed. If it happened when I was less stressed it would happen when I am more stressed, therefor that approach is not optimal.

 

I have trouble seeing her sitting at home refining her skills, but I can easily see her wondering at what happened. Addressing the latter would be easy.

[CLC2008]

When you really like someone, this sort of thing does not matter.

 

Maybe a few years down the road if it happens each and every time, then yes, she would get frustrated and slip a few Viagras in your drink.

 

Also, she may get the impression that it's something about her that atrributed to it. Either way, things will get more comfortable as you ease into it.

[Maxxx]

Tell her what happened and why. As a poster above said you were about ready to put your !@# in her..... Why hide the fact that you are a virgin......

[Disintegration]

So do you all think that if she knew he was a virgin it would be a negative thing? I seriously don't see it like that at all. I think she will be flattered that she'd be your first, and that will explain that you were nervous about the situation since you hadn't done it before. She might expect more but knowing if it was your first time she can work with you and maybe even teach you a few things. I think it may even be a turn on for her to know you haven't had too much experience in that department.

 

Maybe I'm just too honest for my own good, but why not just inform her that you haven't had sex before and that you were nervous about the whole thing? You want to be comfortable with the person you're with.

[red_barchetta]

Maybe I'm just too honest for my own good, but why not just inform her that you haven't had sex before and that you were nervous about the whole thing? You want to be comfortable with the person you're with.

 

Thanks for the feedback all. I honestly think this is the best course of action for me, otherwise I'll be frazzled next time we try again and that might make things even worse. At least if I let her know, it should take some of the pressure off her too, because I really don't want her thinking it's her fault, when it's not at all.

 

Now I wonder how to even bring this up? I have no idea when I might be seeing her next (prolly later on this week); should I wait until then? Or call her? And then what do I say? It seems like a hard thing to just bring up out of the blue...

[make me believe]

I don't see how it makes any sense that being honest can be 'TMI' with someone who was about to let you stick your penis in her.

 

I completely agree with this!!! It's amazing how people can be so physically intimate with someone else, but still refuse to talk to them honestly. You need to tell her. She will understand and most likely help to ease your nerves. If you don't, you're just going to be even MORE nervous next time. If I had sex with a guy and later found out it was his first time and he hadn't told me that, I'd feel really weird about it. Trust me, if you're going to have sex with her, she will want to know if it's your first time.

 

Ok, so as for how to tell her. Hmm. I think you should call her, just chat casually for awhile, and then bring up the other night. Say something like "This is kind of awkward for me talk about, but I just wanted you to know that what happened the other night wasn't your fault at all. I want to be up front and tell you that I'm a virgin, so it was nerves on my part. I really like you and want things to continue for us so I wanted to be honest with you about everything." Or something!!

[Crazy Magnet]

I completely agree with this!!! It's amazing how people can be so physically intimate with someone else, but still refuse to talk to them honestly. You need to tell her. She will understand and most likely help to ease your nerves. If you don't, you're just going to be even MORE nervous next time. If I had sex with a guy and later found out it was his first time and he hadn't told me that, I'd feel really weird about it. Trust me, if you're going to have sex with her, she will want to know if it's your first time.

 

Ok, so as for how to tell her. Hmm. I think you should call her, just chat casually for awhile, and then bring up the other night. Say something like "This is kind of awkward for me talk about, but I just wanted you to know that what happened the other night wasn't your fault at all. I want to be up front and tell you that I'm a virgin, so it was nerves on my part. I really like you and want things to continue for us so I wanted to be honest with you about everything." Or something!!

 

Tell her that. Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. If you are at the point of having sex then you've got to get over feeling awkward about TALKING about sex.

[dreamergrl]

You don't need to go into a long story about why you couldn't get it up. Just keep it short and simple. And you may as well tell her your a virgin, because she'll figure it out after sex anyways.

[red_barchetta]

You don't need to go into a long story about why you couldn't get it up. Just keep it short and simple. And you may as well tell her your a virgin, because she'll figure it out after sex anyways.

 

So you think I should call her, or save it for when I see her next?

 

Yargh, why is dating so hard? (so to speak =P)

[confused and broken]

I feel for you rb this is a really hard situation

Life is full of struggles

Tell her in person (IMO)

and just say i have something to tell you... I really like you... and that makes me nervous... especially since I am a virgin (something like that)

If she is any kind of a nice person she will take it in stride

she might be a little taken aback... just because it's pretty intense to take someone's virginity but if she likes you that won't matter

[dreamergrl]

So you think I should call her, or save it for when I see her next?

 

Yargh, why is dating so hard? (so to speak =P)

 

I wouldn't call and tell her, just lightly bring it up next time you see her. The more of a deal you make it out to be, the more of a deal it will be for her. I'd tell her, but don't go out of your way to do it.

[red_barchetta]

Alright, thanks Confused and Broken and Dreamergrl (and others!)--I guess I'll let her know in person. Damn, it's one road block after another for me. Luckily, she's a really cool girl, so hopefully this doesn't change (if not enhance) things =)

[confused and broken]

Alright, thanks Confused and Broken and Dreamergrl (and others!)--I guess I'll let her know in person. Damn, it's one road block after another for me. Luckily, she's a really cool girl, so hopefully this doesn't change (if not enhance) things =)

Good luck--- you will do great and let us know how it goes

[red_barchetta]

Good luck--- you will do great and let us know how it goes

 

Thanks! And will do

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yup. Yup. Yup. Don't tell her. You're just playing your hand and taking away the challenge.

 

 

 

On the dot. I think you may be letting her take charge because of your inexperience - and it's very likely she already KNOWS you're inexperienced. Try taking charge.

 

Dear OP;

 

I am pretty sure you've made up your mind to be straightforward with your new lust interest, and I hope that is the case.

 

The advice quoted above - I think it is extremely poor. Your friend already has self doubt about her sex appeal with you. Let her keep thinking that and the chances that she will shut down towards you are pretty good. Don't let that happen! Just tell her you're a virgin! She will probably gain confidence and help YOU to do the same.

 

I have NO idea what marsle85 means by "you are playing your hand and taking away the challenge." What is the challenge? To get a boner? If that's a challenge, and it sounds like in this case it was, I'm sure you'd be thrilled to remove it! Is this a game? Doesn't sound like you are playing a game. It sounds like you have a person in your life with whom you might experience sex! And, you are understandably nervous and unsure! Get off to a good start, and pave the way for good communication ... and great sex.

[red_barchetta]

Dear OP; I am pretty sure you've made up your mind to be straightforward with your new lust interest, and I hope that is the case.

 

Thanks, I agree with everything you said--I think that makes by far the most sense, the more I've thought about it. Kind of wish I had brought it up earlier, but I wasn't sure how far things were going to go last night and didn't want to ruin the mood.

 

Hopefully I can find a good time to bring it up when I see her next.

[troggleputty]

Dude, just get some over the counter viagra. My buddy struggles with performance anxiety and he takes it for the first few times with a girl so he can get comfortable and used to it. I tried it once, wasn't my bag as I don't have that issue, but it's an easy, quiet, hush hush fix

 

 

This is an absolutely brilliant post. I thoroughly agree. A purely technical solution, a completely practical solution, a man's solution.

 

As DuPont (or was it Dow?) used to say:

 

"Better Living Through Chemistry."

[troggleputty]

You don't need to go into a long story about why you couldn't get it up. Just keep it short and simple. And you may as well tell her your a virgin, because she'll figure it out after sex anyways.

 

Yes esp. if you get the wrong hole.