anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Maybe then you could work on a split of jobs which take advantage of your respective skills (though not without full communications etc, especially when it comes to handling money). Maybe if you did that, you could see how he contributes too in a way that works for you both.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Maybe then you could work on a split of jobs which take advantage of your respective skills (though not without full communications etc, especially when it comes to handling money). Maybe if you did that, you could see how he contributes too in a way that works for you both. We don't have any problems with money. The issue is packing up this house to move. I don't want to do it all myself. He doesn't want to do something. He will just leave it for me to do. There are 2 people to do the work. He can take one room and pack it up and I can take another and pack it up. It really is that simple.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I didn't mean you had problems with money. I was trying to suggest a potential long term division of work so that you would feel as if he was contributing just as much as you (just in different ways)
soserious1 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I hope I am not dominant but I am an engineer and very left brained, logical, and analytical and am in management. I always ask for input but if I get none then someone has to do something. Like with moving, I tried the last time to get input and got none. I left it to him and he did nothing and I had to organize it all at the last minute. That clearly tells me he would rather just have me do it. What do you think would happen if you stopped jumping in at the last minute to fix everything? Why not sort and pack your own things and do roughly half of the rest of the house? Also not for anything BOTH you & your husband are responsible for the cat spraying all over the house, thanks to you guys failing to get him fixed before this behavior started, he's now outdoors, at great risk of being hit by a car and all the other ills that befall outdoor cats, he's also most likely able to father kittens.. and is likely out there now helping to increase the population of unwanted strays.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I didn't mean you had problems with money. I was trying to suggest a potential long term division of work so that you would feel as if he was contributing just as much as you (just in different ways) That still isn't going to get this house packed and moved. See I am very tasked oriented and logical. Our day to day division of work is fine for the most part. It is just these situations where there is a lot of work to do.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Sarah No offence but do you talk to your H in the same way you do to posters on LS? Because if you do then if I was him, I would think WTF and leave you to it too. Show him some trust. Give him some clear responsibility. But please don't treat him like an employee. He's your husband! Your equal!
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It is hard to know what he is feeling about anything as he is very quiet and doesn't tell me how he feels. Aren't you able to even guess? With all the counselling you're going through together, have you not gained any insight into how his mind works? Can't you even hazard a guess at maybe what his emotional responses are? Of course my posts are me oriented because I am the one posting here. Everyone who posts here is me oriented. You misunderstand me. Permit me, if I may, to put it bluntly. You make it sound from your posts as if this interaction only affects you negatively, and you're the only one to get irritated. It's like you don't care what happens to him, but this is how you feel, and it all seems to irritate you.... if it's not one thing, it's another. I apologise for my bluntness. my tactful and indirect approach is lacking in subtlety, so I had to put it harshly. And no, there is honestly no sarcasm or rudeness intended.
xxoo Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Our day to day division of work is fine for the most part. It is just these situations where there is a lot of work to do. That makes sense, because these situations are more stressful and require more communication. How is your communication? From this thread, it REALLY seems like you tell him how it should be done, and then are surprised when he doesn't do it. Adults don't like to be told how things should be done. Heck, kids don't like it, either. What are his ideas on how to deal with the cat, how to pack for the move, etc? Have you asked?
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 That makes sense, because these situations are more stressful and require more communication. How is your communication? From this thread, it REALLY seems like you tell him how it should be done, and then are surprised when he doesn't do it. Adults don't like to be told how things should be done. Heck, kids don't like it, either. What are his ideas on how to deal with the cat, how to pack for the move, etc? Have you asked? His ideas on the cat are letting it in the house because he feels sorry for it. Packing and moving he expects me to do it.
soserious1 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Another thought struck me here, when we adopt a pet, we are promising to take love and care for that animal thruout it's lifespan, sort of like the marriage vows you took with your husband.The cat that you failed to protect by having him fixed early enough has irritated you with his annoying, inconvenient behaviors and he's been tossed outside, wonder how long it will be before you toss your husband out there with him?
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Aren't you able to even guess? With all the counselling you're going through together, have you not gained any insight into how his mind works? Can't you even hazard a guess at maybe what his emotional responses are? You misunderstand me. Permit me, if I may, to put it bluntly. You make it sound from your posts as if this interaction only affects you negatively, and you're the only one to get irritated. It's like you don't care what happens to him, but this is how you feel, and it all seems to irritate you.... if it's not one thing, it's another. I apologise for my bluntness. my tactful and indirect approach is lacking in subtlety, so I had to put it harshly. And no, there is honestly no sarcasm or rudeness intended. Of course he probably gets irritated with me but how would I know that unless he shows it or tells me in some way? I'm not a mind reader. Of course I care about him and love him! I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. I wouldn't be on here trying to sort things out if I didn't care.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Another thought struck me here, when we adopt a pet, we are promising to take love and care for that animal thruout it's lifespan, sort of like the marriage vows you took with your husband.The cat that you failed to protect by having him fixed early enough has irritated you with his annoying, inconvenient behaviors and he's been tossed outside, wonder how long it will be before you toss your husband out there with him? Cool can I send the cat over to your place to piss all over? Neutering at an early age doesn't guarantee not spraying. There are no guarantees about male cats spraying.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Sarah No offence but do you talk to your H in the same way you do to posters on LS? Because if you do then if I was him, I would think WTF and leave you to it too. Show him some trust. Give him some clear responsibility. But please don't treat him like an employee. He's your husband! Your equal! Dear, I am logical and to the point. That is my nature. People on here ask me questions, I respond. There is nothing odd or sinister about that. You might be a more touchy feely person and maybe that is why I grate on you. Touchy feely people tend to grate on my nerves too.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Dear, I am logical and to the point. That is my nature. People on here ask me questions, I respond. There is nothing odd or sinister about that. You might be a more touchy feely person and maybe that is why I grate on you. Touchy feely people tend to grate on my nerves too. Thus proving my point. I am not a touchy feely person but I find your tone hard, selfish and condescending.
soserious1 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Cool can I send the cat over to your place to piss all over? Neutering at an early age doesn't guarantee not spraying. There are no guarantees about male cats spraying. True but chances are actually quite good that an animal properly vetted won't, at this point the cat's got a better chance at being hit by a car than it does of being fixed and becoming an indoor cat again. In any event your solution to this problem speaks volumes about how you respond when responsibilities you assumed willingly become annoying.
troggleputty Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Another thought struck me here, when we adopt a pet, we are promising to take love and care for that animal thruout it's lifespan, sort of like the marriage vows you took with your husband.The cat that you failed to protect by having him fixed early enough has irritated you with his annoying, inconvenient behaviors and he's been tossed outside, wonder how long it will be before you toss your husband out there with him? Well, considering how frequently us male types "miss the bowl" then there will be a lot of us out there next to him.
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Thus proving my point. I am not a touchy feely person but I find your tone hard, selfish and condescending. I agree. I'm beginning to wish the husband would post.... I think I might see his side of things better. The more I read, the more I sympathise with him.
atlnay Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 So I go off in the bedroom to start packing up our closet as we are moving and he comes in and sits next to me and starts picking up things and folding them and handing them to me! Arggghhh! That is not helping! I have gently suggested he take one room and I take another but everywhere I go he follows me around and tries to do the same thing I am doing and frankly it isn't helping but he is just in my way. I don't know if you are under an immediate deadline to move, but if you are not, maybe, just maybe, let it go from being a task to accomplish, to having him follow you around the room and just, talk and if there is nothing to talk about because you have such great communication throughout the day, just BE with him and enjoy his presence. I dunno, maybe I'm in a mood due to all these catastrophic activities, but if lord forbid something took him away from you one morning, you'll look back on the packing experience and remember how angry you were towards him for essentially nothing, especially if you don't have to move in 24 hours or less, and wish with all your might to get back that moment when he sat there refolding what you just folded up and handed it back to you. You'll remember it with such bittersweet fondness, as logical and to the point as you are, it'll touch you. Lighten up maybe
DaisyLeigh Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 He's letting the cat in, because he knows it pisses you off and he could not care less that it makes more work for you. That is my take on it. He needs to grow the hell up. Maybe if the cat pisses on his clothing, you should bag it up, pissy, and leave it for him to deal with.
del88 Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Hi Sarah, It's great that you are getting counseling and try to work things out. I don't think our complaining and even if you are, why not do it on the forum so you can vent and get it out of your system. I hope counseling is going well. Please keep us informed.
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