SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 My husband seldom fight and I don't get mad at him about much. Yeah the sex I was ticked off about and that seems to be much better now. Here is the problem we have 2 cats. One male and one female. The male cat started spraying and he has to stay outside in the backyard now. They both are getting fixed this week. Anyway, I have asked my husband not to let the cat in the house because he sneaks around and pees on things and the stink is horrible. So I find out he has let the cat in and it peed all over the dirty clothes in the bathroom. So I clean that mess up. I asked him again to not let the cat in the house. A week later I come home from work and the cat is in the house. The next day I discovered the cat has peed in my clean clothes basket peeing all over my clean clothes. I had to do the laundry again. Today, I am cleaning up things in the bedroom and realize the cat has sprayed the side of our bed so obviously he let the cat in again. I was irritated and told him that he can clean the piss up as I was tired of him letting the cat in and it pissing all over everything. I mean it take me a couple hours to do a load of laundry and to have to do it all again plus scrub the floor or whatever the cat has peed on. Anyway all my husband says is you are grumpy with me. I said damn right I'm grumpy. So how can I solve this problem. I don't want the cat in pissing all over our stuff making hours of extra work for ME. He never cleans it up. And yeah I am really irritated about it as I have asked him nicely to stop doing it and keeps letting the cat in. So I go off in the bedroom to start packing up our closet as we are moving and he comes in and sits next to me and starts picking up things and folding them and handing them to me! Arggghhh! That is not helping! I have gently suggested he take one room and I take another but everywhere I go he follows me around and tries to do the same thing I am doing and frankly it isn't helping but he is just in my way. It is no help to pick something up and hand it me as I have to deal with the item anyway. Arrrgghhh!
faf Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Kitty omelet for breakfast? You may have to wait it out for the week if he's letting the cat in behind your back or sleep next to the door. Cat piss is vile. I can sympathize. Think he'd get the message if the cat pissed on his clothes?
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 My husband seldom fight and I don't get mad at him about much. Yeah the sex I was ticked off about and that seems to be much better now. Here is the problem we have 2 cats. One male and one female. The male cat started spraying and he has to stay outside in the backyard now. They both are getting fixed this week. Anyway, I have asked my husband not to let the cat in the house because he sneaks around and pees on things and the stink is horrible. So I find out he has let the cat in and it peed all over the dirty clothes in the bathroom. So I clean that mess up. I asked him again to not let the cat in the house. A week later I come home from work and the cat is in the house. The next day I discovered the cat has peed in my clean clothes basket peeing all over my clean clothes. I had to do the laundry again. Today, I am cleaning up things in the bedroom and realize the cat has sprayed the side of our bed so obviously he let the cat in again. I was irritated and told him that he can clean the piss up as I was tired of him letting the cat in and it pissing all over everything. I mean it take me a couple hours to do a load of laundry and to have to do it all again plus scrub the floor or whatever the cat has peed on. Anyway all my husband says is you are grumpy with me. I said damn right I'm grumpy. So how can I solve this problem. I don't want the cat in pissing all over our stuff making hours of extra work for ME. He never cleans it up. And yeah I am really irritated about it as I have asked him nicely to stop doing it and keeps letting the cat in. So I go off in the bedroom to start packing up our closet as we are moving and he comes in and sits next to me and starts picking up things and folding them and handing them to me! Arggghhh! That is not helping! I have gently suggested he take one room and I take another but everywhere I go he follows me around and tries to do the same thing I am doing and frankly it isn't helping but he is just in my way. It is no help to pick something up and hand it me as I have to deal with the item anyway. Arrrgghhh! what's the next irritating thing he will do? Sometimes, I do wonder why you are with him if he is so irritating... but at least you are getting sex, now...
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 what's the next irritating thing he will do? Sometimes, I do wonder why you are with him if he is so irritating... but at least you are getting sex, now... You wouldn't be irritated if a male cat was spraying all over the house? and your wife kept letting the cat in when you asked her not to?
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 The cat gets neutered in a week which will probably solve that problem. However I do have to agree with Giotto - there seem to be a lot of irritations in your rmarriage.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 The cat gets neutered in a week which will probably solve that problem. However I do have to agree with Giotto - there seem to be a lot of irritations in your rmarriage. What makes you say that?
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 You wouldn't be irritated if a male cat was spraying all over the house? and your wife kept letting the cat in when you asked her not to? absolutely...but why is he doing it? (your husband letting the cat in... not the cat spraying... ) Is he a bit absent-minded? How does the cat come in? Does he feel sorry for the cat? I can't believe he is letting him in when he knows he is going to wee all over the place... it's horrendous... I know that... we have 3 cats and - although neutered - they would occasionally pee on the bed if locked in a room by mistake. Have you asked him the reason why? And why is he following you around the house like a sad puppy? That would put me off in a major way...
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 What makes you say that? maybe because you keep posting complaining about this man?
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 maybe because you keep posting complaining about this man? Exactly At first, I was just going to post stating that the cat is about to get neutered but I was curious about the level of anger expressed in the post so I looked back at the OPs other threads - there is definitely a history which makes you wonder whether there is any real communication in this marriage
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I used to work with a relationships organisation, and I learnt something very significant: A relationship is like a huge stone wall, with loads of different aspects and factors going to make it up. (They're the big bricks) There's a whole load of other minor, little niggly issues, tiny incidents, seemingly insignificant little episodes that irritate.... These are represented by the mortar, or cement. I'll tell you, if the cement/mortar is crumbling, not right, falling out in chunks, the bigger bits won't hold together, no matter how big, heavy and strong they are. It's the little things getting at you that make or break it, not the bigger huge issues. If both lots fall, you're in deep pschyt. Sarah, it sounds like your wall's not too stable, frankly....
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 We are working things out in marriage counseling. Should I just not complain anymore on here?
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Should I just not complain anymore on here? Nope... venting a good thing...
xxoo Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 So how can I solve this problem. This might be a good place to start. How do you generally solve problems in your house? Do you come up with a decision and tell him what you've decided? Or do you approach problems together and brainstorm solutions you both can appreciate?
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 We are working things out in marriage counseling. Should I just not complain anymore on here? Complaining is fine, providing you transform your words into actions to resolve the complaints.... If you're working things out in counselling, do you mention all these little things? How's it working for you? Does anything in my post resonate with you? it's natural, but when you post here, your focus is entirely on what effect his actions are having on you. Your posts are very "me" oriented. Do you have any idea what his feelings and reactions to these situations are, from his point of view? I'm not asking you to make assumptions, but all I have seen is complaints from your angle, about him and what he does, but nothing to suggest you've both sat down and tried to resolve this issue..... How does he feel about all these things?
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 So I go off in the bedroom to start packing up our closet as we are moving and he comes in and sits next to me and starts picking up things and folding them and handing them to me! Arggghhh! That is not helping! I have gently suggested he take one room and I take another but everywhere I go he follows me around and tries to do the same thing I am doing and frankly it isn't helping but he is just in my way. seems to me that you are treating your husband like a child... he's been naughty and now he follows you everywhere trying to be forgiven, trying to get your approval again. Are you very dominant in your relationship? Maybe that's one of the reasons he didn't want or was very reluctant to have sex with you? If you two are having a "mother/son" type of relationship, do you really believe he is going to have sex with his mother? I might be very off the mark, but the way he is behaving is very suspicious...
crazycatlady Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I'm sorry to say if your cat has started spraying then neutering him will not change that behavior. It might slow it down some, but once they spray, they will always spray. It won't stink as bad, but its still stinky. After three years of trying to keep a cat outside - he learned to open doors himself - that was neutered too late, we had to have a cat put down. He was a stray that adopted us so was spraying when he found us, a real sweet smart kittie, but he couldn't not spray. We tried everything. Broke our hearts to do it, but there was no other way. They couldn't adopt him out with that problem. However it could also be stress of your impending move or in the marriage. Cats will pick things like that up and will pee in places they shouldn't. Is he spraying or peeing - spray tends to go on a vertical surface and isn't a lot? And are you positive its the male because females believe it or not can also spray and will pee in places - clothing being a particular favorite - when stressed. Cats are much like children, stress in a marriage will affect them too. CCL
troggleputty Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I'm sorry to say if your cat has started spraying then neutering him will not change that behavior. It might slow it down some, but once they spray, they will always spray. It won't stink as bad, but its still stinky. After three years of trying to keep a cat outside - he learned to open doors himself - that was neutered too late, we had to have a cat put down. He was a stray that adopted us so was spraying when he found us, a real sweet smart kittie, but he couldn't not spray. We tried everything. Broke our hearts to do it, but there was no other way. They couldn't adopt him out with that problem. However it could also be stress of your impending move or in the marriage. Cats will pick things like that up and will pee in places they shouldn't. Is he spraying or peeing - spray tends to go on a vertical surface and isn't a lot? And are you positive its the male because females believe it or not can also spray and will pee in places - clothing being a particular favorite - when stressed. Cats are much like children, stress in a marriage will affect them too. CCL Based on the above, the cat must go.
califnan Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Based on the above, the cat must go. -------------------- Troggle: This has nothing to do with this post, this thread. I have followed your works on another thread - and must tell you how hillarious and "right-on" you can be with your opinions..
make me believe Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 (edited) Getting the cat neutered will cover up the symptom, but the real problem here is your husband's lack of respect for your wishes. Why does he not care that when he lets the cat in it creates extra work for you? You need to deal with that issue, not just get the cat fixed and ignore the root of the problem. I agree with giotto that it seems like maybe a mother/son dynamic has crept into this marriage, and maybe you nitpick a little too much? I mean, with the cat thing I totally agree with you, but your example of him helping you pack up the closet -- how was he NOT helping by folding the clothes and handing them to you? That sounds helpful to me. Were you just annoyed because he wasn't doing exactly what you had decided he should be doing? Edited April 5, 2010 by make me believe
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Getting the cat neutered will cover up the symptom, but the real problem here is your husband's lack of respect for your wishes. Why does he not care that when he lets the cat in it creates extra work for you? You need to deal with that issue, not just get the cat fixed and ignore the root of the problem. I agree with giotto that it seems like maybe a mother/son dynamic has crept into this marriage, and maybe you nitpick a little too much? I mean, with the cat thing I totally agree with you, but your example of him helping you pack up the closet -- how was he NOT helping by folding the clothes and handing them to you? That sounds helpful to me. Were you just annoyed because he wasn't doing exactly what you had decided he should be doing? It probably has to do with the way I like to do work. I take a task and do it start to finish. If I pick up a piece of clothing and have folded it and packed it up then that task is completely done. He can be off doing some other tasks. If he picks it up and folds it and hands it to me to put in the box then yes the task gets done but the work is inefficient. It would be like 2 people trying to type the same letter.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Complaining is fine, providing you transform your words into actions to resolve the complaints.... If you're working things out in counselling, do you mention all these little things? How's it working for you? Does anything in my post resonate with you? it's natural, but when you post here, your focus is entirely on what effect his actions are having on you. Your posts are very "me" oriented. Do you have any idea what his feelings and reactions to these situations are, from his point of view? I'm not asking you to make assumptions, but all I have seen is complaints from your angle, about him and what he does, but nothing to suggest you've both sat down and tried to resolve this issue..... How does he feel about all these things? It is hard to know what he is feeling about anything as he is very quiet and doesn't tell me how he feels. Of course my posts are me oriented because I am the one posting here. Everyone who posts here is me oriented.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 seems to me that you are treating your husband like a child... he's been naughty and now he follows you everywhere trying to be forgiven, trying to get your approval again. Are you very dominant in your relationship? Maybe that's one of the reasons he didn't want or was very reluctant to have sex with you? If you two are having a "mother/son" type of relationship, do you really believe he is going to have sex with his mother? I might be very off the mark, but the way he is behaving is very suspicious... I hope I am not dominant but I am an engineer and very left brained, logical, and analytical and am in management. I always ask for input but if I get none then someone has to do something. Like with moving, I tried the last time to get input and got none. I left it to him and he did nothing and I had to organize it all at the last minute. That clearly tells me he would rather just have me do it.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Are there some things that he is better at than you? Something you could focus on to see a positive side? I know my H and I have different strengths which means we complement each other.
Author SarahRose Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Are there some things that he is better at than you? Something you could focus on to see a positive side? I know my H and I have different strengths which means we complement each other. Of course there are things that he is better at than me! He is better with money than I am.
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