sarkandlauren Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I really need to write my story out, I am the one to blame, all the pain I'm enduring now is because of my stupidity, I have absolutely no one to blame, I realize that. I'm married. Yes, like many other's "excuse", i love my H but I'm not in love with him. EA partner and I are both interns in a hospital, he is engaged to his college sweetheart. Yes, I know this before the EA. Again, I'm the one to blame. We met during one particular rotation and stayed in touch via IM and texts everyday. We went to a medical conference together we decided to watch a movie together. (Bad move, I already know I am somewhat attracted to him, not sure if he feels the same, but our IM and texts does sound like teenagers high on hormones, flirted heavily). He ended up staying in my room, sharing the same bed, cuddled together till the next morning. I don't know if this alone constituted to PA yet or not, since there is no kissing or sex involved. Cuddling with him gave me the warmest feeling, and I must have released some kind of hormone that got me attached to him emotionally. We then went our separate ways back to our own city, but we stayed in touch everyday through text and IM for the last 6 months. We didn't really talked about what happened, but it's not like he is worried about it, because he will still mentioned that, oh, next time we see each other, we'll cuddled again. As if it's something "just friends" do all the time. I'm guilty as hell since I'm M, and i can't ask him what this means to him, fearing he'll ask me the same since I'm M. We tell each other "I miss you", when I got sick, he texted me late at night to make sure I'm okay. He calls me babe, baby all the time. But I truely believe he has no feelings for me at all. I don't know what I want, but I know i do not want to leave my H. I get very jealous over his gf, but I have absolutely no right to. I'm M, and I'm not even his AP. He would mention her to me sometimes during our conversation, as if nothing has happened between us. I think I am in this EA because I am loving the attention I get from him, I smile at the texts/email he sends me. I hate the days when he's off work and he does not contact me at all during his days off, since he's with his gf. If there is a button that I can erase this whole experience, I would. The emotional high is not worth the lows.... How do I get myself out of this EA, it's not even a two way street. I feel so disgusted about myself, I cannot talk to anybody about this, and I'm so depressed. I just need to write this out and vent it out. Those are are borderlining or at initial stage of EA, please stop and turn around, run away. It's not worth it. I've never been this miserable.
dazzle22 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 As a woman doctor, I can tell you our field is fraught with dangers. The divorce rate is very high in med school/residency. Especially during residency. You feel like you have 'been in the trenches' with these people, working really really hard, and like no one else can really understand, (especially not spouses, who often complain about the hrs) and it bonds you together. In my prior marriage, (which was not good) I had to fight very VERY hard to stay out of several of them along the way. These men are very attractive. They have power, intelligence, wit, and there is the colleagueality(sp)? that they really like when a woman can be one of them. If you know that you want to save your marriage, that is the first step. You have to make an EFFORT to connect with your husband, whenever you think of the other guy. Text your husband instead when you think of the other guy. When your mind wanders to him, go over to your husband and engage with him. I suggest you read a book called "Mating in Captivity." It is extremely thought provoking about how to keep the spark in long term relationships. Try to tell yourself if you did this with the other guy, you would eventually reach the same place with him. Except with a lot more grief along the way. You have not slept with this guy, so pat yourself on the back for that and move forward. We type A achievers do a lot of negative self talk (we all beat ourselves up-that was stupid, how could I have missed that diagnosis, what a dumb thing to say to a patient, goes on and on...) Be kinder to yourself. It is when you are flogging yourself and not treating yourself well that the biggest temptations look too good to resist.
bestplayer Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I really need to write my story out, I am the one to blame, all the pain I'm enduring now is because of my stupidity, I have absolutely no one to blame, I realize that. I'm married. Yes, like many other's "excuse", i love my H but I'm not in love with him. EA partner and I are both interns in a hospital, he is engaged to his college sweetheart. Yes, I know this before the EA. Again, I'm the one to blame. We met during one particular rotation and stayed in touch via IM and texts everyday. We went to a medical conference together we decided to watch a movie together. (Bad move, I already know I am somewhat attracted to him, not sure if he feels the same, but our IM and texts does sound like teenagers high on hormones, flirted heavily). He ended up staying in my room, sharing the same bed, cuddled together till the next morning. I don't know if this alone constituted to PA yet or not, since there is no kissing or sex involved. Cuddling with him gave me the warmest feeling, and I must have released some kind of hormone that got me attached to him emotionally. We then went our separate ways back to our own city, but we stayed in touch everyday through text and IM for the last 6 months. We didn't really talked about what happened, but it's not like he is worried about it, because he will still mentioned that, oh, next time we see each other, we'll cuddled again. As if it's something "just friends" do all the time. I'm guilty as hell since I'm M, and i can't ask him what this means to him, fearing he'll ask me the same since I'm M. We tell each other "I miss you", when I got sick, he texted me late at night to make sure I'm okay. He calls me babe, baby all the time. But I truely believe he has no feelings for me at all. I don't know what I want, but I know i do not want to leave my H. I get very jealous over his gf, but I have absolutely no right to. I'm M, and I'm not even his AP. He would mention her to me sometimes during our conversation, as if nothing has happened between us. I think I am in this EA because I am loving the attention I get from him, I smile at the texts/email he sends me. I hate the days when he's off work and he does not contact me at all during his days off, since he's with his gf. If there is a button that I can erase this whole experience, I would. The emotional high is not worth the lows.... How do I get myself out of this EA, it's not even a two way street. I feel so disgusted about myself, I cannot talk to anybody about this, and I'm so depressed. I just need to write this out and vent it out. Those are are borderlining or at initial stage of EA, please stop and turn around, run away. It's not worth it. I've never been this miserable. well if u are not in love with ur husband that is not an excuse it is a reason , enough to leave ur husband .
pureinheart Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 As a woman doctor, I can tell you our field is fraught with dangers. The divorce rate is very high in med school/residency. Especially during residency. You feel like you have 'been in the trenches' with these people, working really really hard, and like no one else can really understand, (especially not spouses, who often complain about the hrs) and it bonds you together. In my prior marriage, (which was not good) I had to fight very VERY hard to stay out of several of them along the way. These men are very attractive. They have power, intelligence, wit, and there is the colleagueality(sp)? that they really like when a woman can be one of them. If you know that you want to save your marriage, that is the first step. You have to make an EFFORT to connect with your husband, whenever you think of the other guy. Text your husband instead when you think of the other guy. When your mind wanders to him, go over to your husband and engage with him. I suggest you read a book called "Mating in Captivity." It is extremely thought provoking about how to keep the spark in long term relationships. Try to tell yourself if you did this with the other guy, you would eventually reach the same place with him. Except with a lot more grief along the way. You have not slept with this guy, so pat yourself on the back for that and move forward. We type A achievers do a lot of negative self talk (we all beat ourselves up-that was stupid, how could I have missed that diagnosis, what a dumb thing to say to a patient, goes on and on...) Be kinder to yourself. It is when you are flogging yourself and not treating yourself well that the biggest temptations look too good to resist.[/QUOTE] I totally agree D, this is what I saw also....I worked also in an industry where you work closely together under much pressure, which does cause many A's...if you can get this under wraps now, it will be much better later.
fooled once Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 How do you stop? You decide you want and deserve better. You decide you don't want to be playing this game anymore. You love the attention. He loves the attention. But you both need to either dump your partners or stay away from each other. Or you can come clean to your H and see if you can fix your marriage. But to continue to cheat isn't right or fair to your H.
Author sarkandlauren Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 As a woman doctor, I can tell you our field is fraught with dangers. The divorce rate is very high in med school/residency. Especially during residency. You feel like you have 'been in the trenches' with these people, working really really hard, and like no one else can really understand, (especially not spouses, who often complain about the hrs) and it bonds you together. In my prior marriage, (which was not good) I had to fight very VERY hard to stay out of several of them along the way. These men are very attractive. They have power, intelligence, wit, and there is the colleagueality(sp)? that they really like when a woman can be one of them. If you know that you want to save your marriage, that is the first step. You have to make an EFFORT to connect with your husband, whenever you think of the other guy. Text your husband instead when you think of the other guy. When your mind wanders to him, go over to your husband and engage with him. I suggest you read a book called "Mating in Captivity." It is extremely thought provoking about how to keep the spark in long term relationships. Try to tell yourself if you did this with the other guy, you would eventually reach the same place with him. Except with a lot more grief along the way. You have not slept with this guy, so pat yourself on the back for that and move forward. We type A achievers do a lot of negative self talk (we all beat ourselves up-that was stupid, how could I have missed that diagnosis, what a dumb thing to say to a patient, goes on and on...) Be kinder to yourself. It is when you are flogging yourself and not treating yourself well that the biggest temptations look too good to resist. Thank you, these are all very good advices. I cannot tell you how many times I've beat myself up over this. I'm stupid, why can't I see this coming? He's not even all that into me, so what's the point....
dazzle22 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 You are obviously not stupid. You were in a high pressure situation, then alone together at a conference, your marriage has gone a bit dry, and attention from other attractive guys makes you 'feel alive' again. Think of it as neurochemicals that clouded your thinking. Have you ever seen, "What the Bleep Do we know"? Now I don't agree with everything in that movie, but the examples of how the neurochemicals wash over our brains during attraction being like a drug high is really interesting. These kind of things creep up on us, that is why you didn't see it. Of course if you had been at 'A' one day, and 'K' the next, you would have seen it, but this all happens with baby steps from one day to the next. Just realize it is irrational neurochemicals and try to leave it at that. Do something nice for yourself, schedule a romantic getaway with your husband, get a massage, have a spa day. You didn't sleep with him. This is totally salvageable. Somehow do the 'big fade' on this new guy, and let him know you no longer feel comfortable with this and you are going to devote your emotional energy to your husband (he will get the hint). Don't leave any more electronic trails that could come back to bite you, might I add...
Author sarkandlauren Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 You are obviously not stupid. You were in a high pressure situation, then alone together at a conference, your marriage has gone a bit dry, and attention from other attractive guys makes you 'feel alive' again. Think of it as neurochemicals that clouded your thinking. Have you ever seen, "What the Bleep Do we know"? Now I don't agree with everything in that movie, but the examples of how the neurochemicals wash over our brains during attraction being like a drug high is really interesting. These kind of things creep up on us, that is why you didn't see it. Of course if you had been at 'A' one day, and 'K' the next, you would have seen it, but this all happens with baby steps from one day to the next. Just realize it is irrational neurochemicals and try to leave it at that. Do something nice for yourself, schedule a romantic getaway with your husband, get a massage, have a spa day. You didn't sleep with him. This is totally salvageable. Somehow do the 'big fade' on this new guy, and let him know you no longer feel comfortable with this and you are going to devote your emotional energy to your husband (he will get the hint). Don't leave any more electronic trails that could come back to bite you, might I add... Thank you so much... my irrational emotion is taking over my logical mind. It is so hard to let go. And the electronic trail.... i don't have the heart to delete the IMs/texts/emails, I'm that pathetic...as if I will lose everything the moment I press delete...I'm falling apart, I have no interest in anything in my down days. Every morning I wake up, I wish that this whole thing is a bad dream and I never met him. I'll have to check out " What the Bleep Do we know".
dazzle22 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 If you don't have the heart to delete the trail, then transfer them to a new email address, delete them in your regular account, and then keep them til you can let go. But do let go ....this is an illusion, a fantasy, it is not real life, but it has the potential to blow your real life into oblivion. How are things with your husband right now? You should be trying to reconnect and get through your down time by rebuilding your marriage if you really want to save it.
Author sarkandlauren Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 If you don't have the heart to delete the trail, then transfer them to a new email address, delete them in your regular account, and then keep them til you can let go. But do let go ....this is an illusion, a fantasy, it is not real life, but it has the potential to blow your real life into oblivion. How are things with your husband right now? You should be trying to reconnect and get through your down time by rebuilding your marriage if you really want to save it. I'm taking baby steps. He has a hard time with my hours, and even when i'm home, I'm always reading journals. I'm trying to do a weekend getaway with him, but it maybe hard.
dazzle22 Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Spouses feel very left out and they essentially take second place to a career that frankly saps way too much of our lives. Near the tail end of my career, I must tell you, do NOT offer your life on the altar of medicine. It is NOT WORTH it.! The only reward I ever got for hard work, was MORE hard work. You must set limits and boundaries. Your bosses, administrators, etc will always want MORE out of you, and it is total crap! Get to a point where you say, 'what I'm doing is GOOD ENOUGH!. I have done ENOUGH. I am going home to my LIFE! You may not have one, BUT I DO!!!" Now I know you can't say this as a intern or 2nd year resident, but gear up to do this. It is ridiculous how much they want us to work. And it will never end, unless you set boundaries around your time. Make sure you deliberately carve out time specifically for your husband, and don't let your studying 'bleed' into all the time in your personal life. You cannot snuggle up with medicine, it will not hug you back, it will not comfort you when you are depressed. It will not be there for you in the dark hours of your soul... It will SUCK YOU TOTALLY DRY and spit you out at the end if you do not set limits with it. This I know from bitter experience...
saywhat Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 If you really want to work on your marriage, you will both find a way to make the time. It's worth taking the shot. We high achievers like to think that it is on us so we have to fix it. If your marriage is having problems, enough for you to turn to the arms of another man, it's a two way street honey. Stop being so hard on yourself. People are a social sort who need love, attention, common interests and a feeling of saftey and belonging. You made the wrong decision to lay in bed with the man, but you made the correct choice in not starting a real PA with him. You had one moment where you lacked judgement and it's quite obvious wou realize you made a mistake and are trying to figure out how to make it right. The poster before me was totally correct. Live your life, don't live your career. I've made the mistake, burned out, alienated the people I loved and it was not worth it.
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