I need guidance, what else can I do??? This is so hard

[KewlBum]

Helps guys. My ex-gf broke up with me a month ago. She was my first love, and I was her first love as well. Our relationship didn't last too long...6 months. But everything happened really fast, and it was very intense and pasionate. Ever since the breakup, I feel like I haven't improved at all. I've talked to my friends ALOT about my problems. Probably 80% of what I talk to them about is me and the ex. I don't want to bother them much more about this as I'm sure they're tired of always hearing this from me.

 

I'm trying my best to move on, but like I said, I don't think I'm improving at all. There's still not 20 minutes in a day where I don't think about her. I just can't get her out of my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy. I think about the good times we've had, how we met, our first date, the last time we saw eachother, the last kiss we shared, the mistakes i've made, what I would give up to be able to go back in time top change things, how I would die for her even now, the smell of her hair...just anything and everything about her is constantly on my mind. It doesn't help of course that seemingly everything reminds me of her. I was at a friends house last night chilling with some people and I was really sad because me and my ex had been at that house before and I would think about how happy we were then. Everytime a song comes on that we've listened together, or that I had listened to before while thinking about her...I just have to turn it off. I can't go to the movies because me and the ex went there ALOT. Certain restaurants I can't even think about because we ate there. Just so many things in life remind me of her and it just causes me so much damn pain. I try my best to go out, but I am a fairly shy person and not very outgoing. I do go to the gym often and that's probably the best place where I don't think about her much (though her thoughts still do creep in my head there), but right after I finish my workout my mind just thinks about her again. Whenever I do hang out with my friends, I often have to fake having a fun time because all I do is think about her. I can't concentrate on my studies or listen while in class. I talk even less to people now which is pretty scary because like I said, I'm a shy guy so I never really talked much to begin with. Many days I still cry over her, over wanting her back. I want to see her face so badly. I have deleted her from my facebook. And I've blocked some sites on my internet such as her flickr and deviantart because I don't want to be tempted to go to them reminding me of her which I did alot before. But even with those, it seems like nothing is helping me...she's on my mind 24/7!!!

 

Right after I post this, I'm going to make a list of all the things I didn't like about her or our relationship. I'm hoping this will help and whenever I think of something new I will add to it. Hopefully the reasons will be meaningful enough that I'll review the list from time to time and over time I'll realize that being with her wasn't really a good things and being apart from her is the best. I need other ways to try and move on though. I mean, maybe a year from now I'll be fully over her, but my fear is how long exactly it will take. 4 months from now, will I still be wracked with thoughs of her haunting my mind? 6 month? 8 months? When will it end? Tomorrow I'm going to the counsellor on my campus to talk about this issue. I really feel like I'm taking this alot worse then most people in my situation would. I need help. Something is definitely wrong.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions or from personal experiences on how to stop thinking about her and move on? I'm going absolutely crazy here...

[monkeymaid]

its only been a little while bum!! you are making progress!! at the start, you wanted nothing but to get back with her. ...now you are trying to figure out how to stop hurting. ...it doent look like it to you, but you have already started moving forward!

 

your pains right now, your thoughts, just be with them. get the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. read it!!!!! id send you mine, but im still using it.

 

this pain can be unbearable at times, but stay strong for yourself. ...go to the gym, run, hike, walk, snowboard, play guitar, or drums, or cello, right in a book, go punch a bag, enroll in martial arts, draw, immerse yourself in anything you can. ...listen to loud ass music, ride a bike, work on a project.read a book. ...the one aboce is a good start.

 

ask yourself something. would you want to date you? if not why? then fix it, if yes why? then strengthen it.

 

you are doing f@cking fantastic! keep going forward minute by minute. ....when you find yourself losing track of minutes, do it hour by hour.

 

and keep posting!!!

 

chin up man its all up hill from here

 

 

 

...just read the part about going to the gym ...time to start ramping up the intensity!

Edited April 5, 2010 by monkeymaid

[KewlBum]

its only been a little while bum!! you are making progress!! at the start, you wanted nothing but to get back with her. ...now you are trying to figure out how to stop hurting. ...it doent look like it to you, but you have already started moving forward!

 

your pains right now, your thoughts, just be with them. get the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. read it!!!!! id send you mine, but im still using it.

 

this pain can be unbearable at times, but stay strong for yourself. ...go to the gym, run, hike, walk, snowboard, play guitar, or drums, or cello, right in a book, go punch a bag, enroll in martial arts, draw, immerse yourself in anything you can. ...listen to loud ass music, ride a bike, work on a project.read a book. ...the one aboce is a good start.

 

ask yourself something. would you want to date you? if not why? then fix it, if yes why? then strengthen it.

 

you are doing f@cking fantastic! keep going forward minute by minute. ....when you find yourself losing track of minutes, do it hour by hour.

 

and keep posting!!!

 

chin up man its all up hill from here

 

 

 

...just read the part about going to the gym ...time to start ramping up the intensity!

It's been a month. The progress I've made is just realizing I'll never be able to get her back. I'm still thinking about her by the same amount as I did when she broke up with me. I am so depressed all the time, I talk even less then I did before, I dont smile much and when I do it is fake. I try to keep busy but it doesn't matter, I still end up thinking about her.

 

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong?

[KewlBum]

I can't do this anymore. I feel so empty...

[Odyssey]

Yeah, know how you feel. walk around with a unconvincing smile, pretending to everyone that nothing's wrong. All the while... empty yet aching pain on the inside. Sleepless nights. When you do sleep, you dream. Endless flashbacks. It's when you're alone that the demons come out - that's when you really crumple. start neglecting parts of life. lol. yep we've all been there!

 

But OP, you can do this! I mean there's no other choice if you think about it. There is simply no quick fix here, you'll have to find discipline and inner strength just to make it through one day. And that's all you have to think about! Try not to think about the ifs and whys too much... just gotta take one day at a time.

 

Take care of yourself man.

[KewlBum]

There's been one day (about 4 days ago) where i didn't think about her much, where I wasn;t in too much pain. But that was it, just that one day. Every other day has been the same hell. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's just pure darkness. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to go. Just me, this unbearable pain, and not knowing how she could cut me out of her life so easily and abruptly. I don't understand, she's has 4 boyfriends before me. Two were short term, but the other two were both long term (over a year each). Yet she didn't love any of them. I was her first love. We loved eachother very fast, only like three months in, and it was intense. And yet now she can just cut me out of her life like it's nothing. I can't stand this pain.

[skydiveaddict]

There's been one day (about 4 days ago) where i didn't think about her much, where I wasn;t in too much pain. But that was it, just that one day. Every other day has been the same hell. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's just pure darkness. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to go. Just me, this unbearable pain, and not knowing how she could cut me out of her life so easily and abruptly. I don't understand, she's has 4 boyfriends before me. Two were short term, but the other two were both long term (over a year each). Yet she didn't love any of them. I was her first love. We loved eachother very fast, only like three months in, and it was intense. And yet now she can just cut me out of her life like it's nothing. I can't stand this pain.

 

 

hang in there the pain will subside. I know how you feel, so do lots of others here. You will get over this

[just1guy]

Hang in there. It's gonna be a tough road, but it does get better each day. I felt the way you did over my ex, and I still have those lingering feelings and like you, it feels like I just can't get her out of my mind. I will say that, four months after our breakup, the nastiness doesn't last that long, the sad cry spells end quicker, and the thoughts of anger disappears faster.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing and don't force yourself to any uncomfortable situations if you're a shy person because you'll start to think about her as a way to cope from the awkward situation. Just hit the gym, work out harder, so when summer comes around, you'll look like a million bucks and feeling great. At least that's what I'm doing.

[GrayClouds]

First of all, give yourself a break. It has only been one month.

 

Understand the first few months after a break up your body is reacting in auto pilot, your stress-response system is behaving in the flight or fight response. Hormones such adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream and pretty much takes control by physically and psychologically. Making you feel all this anxiety, panic and obsessiveness. It effects your thinking, sleep and desire to eat. But you are ok, what your going through is natural.

 

In time is will decrease. There are things you can do to help. You are already doing a good deal of those...talking and writing. Keep doing that stuff. The other thing start getting active, walking running , lifting weights. Getting physical helps you body to produce better hormone that can stable you out and help sleep at night. Finally make sure your eating good food and regularly. You can not feel good if you are not eating well.

 

So this stuff it will make it easier, not easy, but easier. Be kind to yourself.

[KewlBum]

I feel like it would be so much easier if I were dead. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. And I've yet to have any real thoughts of committing suicide or plans on doing so. I'm just saying, if I were dead right now (don't know how or why, just dead), then I wouldn't have to be feeling this huge amount of pain 24/7, the pain that just won't go away...

[skydiveaddict]

I feel like it would be so much easier if I were dead. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. And I've yet to have any real thoughts of committing suicide or plans on doing so. I'm just saying, if I were dead right now (don't know how or why, just dead), then I wouldn't have to be feeling this huge amount of pain 24/7, the pain that just won't go away...

 

 

it will though trust me it will

[KewlBum]

it will though trust me it will

You don't know that, maybe something is just wrong with me. I honestly think I'm taking this worse then I should be. I don't think this is normal what I'm going through. I mean yes, I should be sad...my first love dumped me. But there hasn't been a waking hour since the breakup where I haven't thought about her. Everything is reminding me of her, logical or not. I am not happy. And I don't want to keep pretending to be happy when I'm with my friends and family. I put on a fake smile when really i'm dying inside. Anything I had fun doing before is just hell. I just don't care about anything anymore. I'm an idiot, I'm a lowly man. I want her back, and I don't think I'll ever change my mind on that.

 

I don't even care if I die right here right now. Why do I still every night in bed?

[GrayClouds]

It may be time to talk to a professional.

[EmperorR]

took me like 8 months, hang in there, dont contact her keep busy.

[KewlBum]

With the way she ended things so abruptly and just seemed so easy to cut me out of her life, I'm really afraid she's just going to forget about me soon. Here I am not getting any better, still crying at night, and all around depressed. While she is probably doing none of those things and forgetting about me more and more every day.

[KewlBum]

Wow. Ok so when we broke up she told me she just wanted to be alone and didn't want to date anyone. Last week when I talked to her on msn she said the same thing.

 

Anyways, last night I was feeling extra depressed. One of my friends came on msn and started talking to me. I hadn't talked to her in a long time. She asked how I was and such and so I started venting. She told me maybe I should start dating again. She said she met her current bf through the plenty of fish dating website. I told her I didn't think online dating was my thing, but she assured me it was great. I ended up looking at the website, I wasn't planning on making a profile or anything I just wanted to see what it looked like. Anyways, i made a search and guess what.....my ex was on there.

 

WTF!!!!

 

She lied to me. Wanted to be alone? Didn't want to date other guys? BS

 

When I saw her picture, my heart such broke even more. I was so damn depressed. God. How can she do this. I was her first love and not even a month after she broke up with me, she's already on an online dating site going on dates with other guys. Normally I'd think that she's just doing this to help her forget about me. But she's already forgotten about me. She's made absolutely no attempt at contacting me siince the breakup. She is completely over me in one damn month, her first love. And she dating other people.

 

I didn't think I could be more depressed then i already was...I was wrong.

Edited April 10, 2010 by KewlBum

[nolanola]

KewlBum,

You really will get better. I know because I've been where you are. When my ex started dating someone else about three months after we broke up, I thought I would die. I laid awake at night trying to work it out in my head - I could not accept it, it was like I had to come up with other ways to deal with it. I did so many humiliating things, like calling him and crying while he was out on a date with his new girlfriend. I've never felt so low and pathetic in my life.

Now, two years later, I am in a MUCH better place. I still feel bad sometimes and I still cry about it from time to time, but most days I am ok. I really, really believe that NC is the best thing that I've done. I do worry sometimes, as you mentioned, that he will forget about me. I can't control what he does or thinks. The only thing I can do (and you too) is to try to move forward with my own life.

I know it's hard to believe when you're hurting that anything will ever be better - but it will! Keep going. When you feel really depressed, try to think of something to either distract yourself (going to the gym, watching a funny tv show) or to treat yourself. Or come to this site and see the positive stories of how others were able to cope. That helps too.

[KewlBum]

It just...it angers me so much because:

 

1) She LIED to me. I asked her several time if she wanted to date other guys. I told her to not sugarocoat it, that I'm a big boy and can handle the truth. Yet she still said she doesn't want to date other guys. What a ****ing liar! I mean, if she told me the truth, then I would've been ok with it (it would suck, but I would be ok with it)

2) We were eachother's first loves. She got over me in less then 1 month and is already starting dating again. Guess I didn't really mean that much to her.

 

 

I just don't understand how she could lie to me like that several times or how she could get over me that quickly. Call me naive, but when we were together I was so trusting of her. She really is a good hearted person. So how could she do those things?

[skydiveaddict]

You may consider her a good hearted person. But she is cruel, dragging you through the s..t like this. Have nothing more to do w/her

[KewlBum]

You may consider her a good hearted person. But she is cruel, dragging you through the s..t like this. Have nothing more to do w/her

I don't think she is cruel though. I mean when we were dating she was honestly a very good hearted person. It was my mistakes which led to the breakup. And even though she did it through a text, I realize it was because it would be too hard for her to do it in person. Also, the not contacting me after the breakup is also due to it being too hard on her. And I guess the same could be said about why she lied to me about this. She's not cruel, how she handled the breakup was a bit selfish, but it's just in her human nature and I do still think she's a kind person.

 

But damn, knowing that she lied to me and is already over me...this just sets me back in my healing process....and I was doing HORRIBLE anyways. Now I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Why. Is. This. Happening. I feel even worse then when she broke up with me. I want so badly to talk to her so she can explain her actions. But I know if I called, she probably wouldnt pick up. If I knew she would pick up and talk, I'd be dialing her number right this second.

[skydiveaddict]

You must move on my friend. I wont argue the cruelty issue anymiore, but she lied to you. she doesnt want you anymore. I had the same thing happen to me. so have lots of others here. hang tough you will do fine

[KewlBum]

You must move on my friend. I wont argue the cruelty issue anymiore, but she lied to you. she doesnt want you anymore. I had the same thing happen to me. so have lots of others here. hang tough you will do fine

I know what you're saying. But does that really make her cruel or a bad person?

 

And yes I agree I do need to move on. The problem is how? It's been more then a month and I don't think I improved at all. Then after I just found out about her being on a dating site...I'm so afraid this pain inside of me will last a REALLY long time.

[KewlBum]

Ok so now it's been about 1 month and 3 weeks. I guess I am a bit better now then before. I'm not thinking about her as much...but that's a relative term, I still think about her ALOT.

 

I've been reflecting alot and trying to figure out why I'm in this huge amount of pain. The conclusion I've come up with is I think I'm just afraid of being alone. I want to be with someone, have someone who cares about me the same way that I care about her. I want someone to be there for me no matter what, someone I can cry in front of, somone I can cuddle with, hold hands with, someone who will make me feel so good just like when I was with my ex.

 

I want to be with someone because I don't want to be alone...

I am so pathetic

[skydiveaddict]

You are not pathetic. You're no different than the rest of us. Everyone wants what you want. including me Edited April 22, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[KewlBum]

Yes but it's like a need for me, not a want. With my ex, I was pretty clingy. She was the one clingy in the beginning but it slowely turned to me being the clingy one. I would've been completely glad if I were with her literally 24/7. I'm just not happy when I'm just by myself. I need someone else to make me happy...and that is why i'm pathetic. That is why i'm in so much pain right now, because I was with the love of my life 2 months ago and now I've got nothing. You really don't know what you had until you lost it...