ggkrum Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Hi All, I, as prob many of you, never thought I will be writing in such a forum I am totally devastated and ....here is my story: I am 36 years old (i am very athletic and look much younger) and married for 5 years. My wife is 10 years younger than I am. We met in college (I went to college late) , dated for 7 months and got married. We had a very happy life and never really argued. If we had any disagreements we will always resolve them by discussing and never went to bed without resolving any issues we had. Anyways, 7 months ago she went back home for a week to her cousins wedding and after she came back she began to act strange and provocative. We went out for drinks and I wanted to understand why she is like this. I kept on asking questions and at the end of the night she said she can't live like this and she wants to move out. I said fine, and asked what is the reason. She told me that we don't communicate well, that we are very different people and so many things that were ridiculous. I told her this is all bsht and asked her whether she has cheated on me. She said no and she told me that she cant stand that I always assume things. I told how come all of a sudden such a change in her after this vacation, she started telling me how she had doubts about us even before... anyway, we manage to go through those few days and things came back to normal until 3 weeks after the first conversations she started acting weird and began being very careful with her phone and computer. I began being suspiscios but before I knew it she asked me if we could be just friends. I asked her whether she is crazy as we were married and asked her to move out. She started crying and said that she need to move out to find herself... Long story short. The first time she went on vacation she got drunk and cheated on me wiht some random guy. After she came back she was communicating with him until she met someone else in the city we leave and then she supposedly fell in love..... She told me all that about a month later. Now six months after the first time she told me she wanted to separate she moved out/in 3 times and had been coming back and leaving 10 times... maybe more.... I was accepting her every time, as i love her, and everytime she came back she was saying she is really sorry and wanted to be back....I told her I am forgiving everthing as I believe in us beause of our happy past... and than everytime we have the smallest argument she says this can never work and goes to her other appartment and after few days ends up with the same guy... who also felt in love with her... and everything is just a mess... I have become emotionally unstable after all this back and forth. One time i tell her I don;t want to see her again... than I call her and tell her I want to be with her..... I want to be with her, I love her... I don;t know how I can still love her after everything that has happened but I somehow I still do.... and this feeling is so much stronger than my reason..... and recently... the last 2 months it seems every time she comes back to me... at first it starts with several great happy days and it ends up by me driving her away by questioning her... about this other guy... than she starts crying telling me he doesn't exist in her mind when she is with me and that i dont believe in her and runs away and after few days goes back to him..... everytime she says she wants time to think what she wants and that she wants to be alone and she is never alone for more day a day or two... coming back to me or him....... i mean.... it is such a mess and even as i am writing this i can't believe it... but that is my reality right now and I get weak and just cant put an end to this........... as I guess I really want to be with her... but dont want to share her.... Now I have decided not to call her or email her... and I am not going to answer her emails or calls.... I want her to decide what she wants... thats the last thing I told her. The other guy told her he wants her to get divorce and she came and told me that 2 weeks ago. I said ok and thouth everything was over until a week ago when i found her sitting in front of my window.... and then she came back stayed with me for 3 days until and was happy until I asked what is going on with the other guy and her ... and she said she told him she needed time to think.... and when I said I want her to go back to her place be alone and only come back when everything between them is over she said agian i dont believe in her and said she will go and be alone and make her final desicion... I told her I've heard this so many times... and yestarday I found out she went back to him.... crazy story.. but this is my life right now .... i've never cried before and never considered myself a weak person... but i dont even know who i am anymore....
11bgentleman Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 GGKRUM, I am so sorry for what you are going through. The emotional ups and downs of this wears on a man. Trust me, I have been there. The only thing that really helped me was going NC or no contact and keep your mind and body busy with exercise. I quit communicating with her and setup a routine. Hit the running track, take a hike, or just go to a park and play some basketball. This forum is very helpful. Keep posting.
Author ggkrum Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Thanks for the quick reply. Yeap I am going to the gim now.... I've lost 30 pounds since this absurd started.... got average review at work for first time... was thinking of quiting.... but I need to snap out.... I hope I can stay without writting or calling.... but then again i really don't want to give up on her... I may be wrong but i really think that all this could have been avoided... and I still think we can work it out...
11bgentleman Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I have read advise from others that are against changing jobs during a divorce. I think it has alot to do with making big (life changing) decisions during an emotional state. I have also used work to keep me busy. I really felt like my work improved because I was so focused on work. It is difficult to block out the bad stuff but it gets easier. Good job on the weight loss.
Author ggkrum Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I just cant stop thinking about her..... and cant concentrate at work... or if I do something will happen between us.,,, yeah only if I need it to lose weight.... I am 129 now...
mark982 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 you're never going to get anywhere, with you letting her come in/out. your going to have to go nc to let her see that she just can't walk all over you. tuff---you bet, but look how it's tearing you down by the way things are going now. good job on the weight loss, keep the job, just knuckle down harder on it (it will help) .
Woggle Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 If you two don't have any kids why do you even want her back? What does she contribute to your life that is in any way positive? I know you are heartbroken but think about this logically.
Author ggkrum Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 No kids. The plan was to have kids next year. What she has contributed.... the 5 happiest years in my life.... and also the 6 worst months in my life
Woggle Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 No kids. The plan was to have kids next year. What she has contributed.... the 5 happiest years in my life.... and also the 6 worst months in my life Relish those years but if you stay trying to chase her you will not have anymore happy years. I know it hurts to see that it was all a lie but you can be happy without her.
Steadfast Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 (edited) The fact that you wrote to this forum proves you're ready for help. Well, you'll get it...if you *really* want it. Be sure. Some of the advice is hard. You are in a very emotional, fragile state right now. Nothing to be ashamed of; it just proves you are human and that you love your wife. Life is going to get harder so let's start slow and gradually build up the process of healing as your strength and resolve grows. And it will; trust me. First, you must see, realize and believe that what she is doing to you is not healthy. Look at it medically. Not healthy? Stop. Hurts? Stop. So, accept the fact that self-love is needed to heal more than anything right now. It'll be impossible to halt communication right away (until after a possible divorce or separation) but until then DO NOT discuss relationship issues with her. At all. Stop. Only basic needs; food and money. OK? Important! If she insists, hire a trained councilor. Only speak to THEM about your marriage. She's a lost cause now, not worth your time. Find something you like to eat and eat it. It's impossible to think rationally when you're malnourished and 129-lb is too skinny unless you are five-feet tall. Fruit (bananas are my favorite) 2% milk, peanut butter and omelets got me through. Oatmeal with apples. You must eat. OK? Do it! Find a friend to lean on; someone trustworthy who can be there for you. Let them know in advance that it'll be a process. Train yourself to limit thoughts of her so you can sleep. Think of your body. It needs you now. That's enough. Other will chime in with more good advice- Edited April 5, 2010 by Steadfast
Author ggkrum Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 The friends I think I tired from the same story over and over... and I dont want to burden them anymore. I want to be back with her. I know prob many will advise me that she is not worthed but I still want to give it another try but only if it is just me and her and if it doesnt work than I will move on knowing I tried and was wrong. It just that after 6 months I realized what I was doing wrong or not doing but never had the chance to really fix what can be fixed. She did come back to me many times but I could never get out of my head the fact that someone else exist and she can always runaway the first time we had any type of disagreement. She had said several times before that she is going there because at home is the pain house.. always questions , always mistrust but how can it be any different when there is someone else. Anyway, eventually this running in the fun house turn out into love. Or actually turn out into love a week ago. She had dumped the guy 2 weeks ago telling him she doesnt love him and it is not right to be with him. Than she came back to me and when I told her I dont feel she is 100 % with me and want her to go and stay alone she went back to him and told him she loves him...than came back to me and the story repeated. Now she is with him since 2 days ago. I think.... Anyway, I want to give it another real try but seems that since this guy is arround it will not happen. She had told me few weeks ago she wanted to go with this guy and if he is not right than at least she will know, because if she comes back to me she will always have doubts. I told her that 3 months ago we had first started talking about divorce and she moved out and was with him, but than she came back as she said things between them are not as they use to. It is hard to write this ... as it is someone repeatedly spitting at your face...and no... i dont like it at all... So I want to be with her but I dont want to go through another cycle of this hope and than pain. She is going home on the 16th for another marriage of a friend (i was invited but am not going) and will stay for a week there, after she comes back she said she will decide whether she will move back in with me for good or whether we will divorce. I confused and not sure what is the best, whether not to communicate and wait until she comes back with her desicion( i dont like waiting one like a pupet) or whether to just tell her this week that I want to get divorce. Than after time... months or whaterver time it takes maybe get back together when she is ready to... if she is... not sure.... changing my mind about it constantly
Steadfast Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Only you can decide for you, but your situation is not unique. This pattern of human behavior is common, as is the proper reaction on your part. Know this; your best chance of reconciliation lies in your ability to regain her respect. She does not respect you now, because you are her doormat. Your relationship has very little value in her eyes. That must change. Just because you love her does not mean she will, or even wants to do the right thing. Clearly, she is not. Please ask yourself why you are willing to accept this? There are no magic words, no special formula. Grow some backbone and show her the door. Then, and only then will she begin to understand.
nobmagnet Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Hi, What a hell hole you are living in:eek: Im sorry for you:love: Niceties aside you need to "MAN UP" there is no way she respects you at the moment because she is walking over your feelings in stillettos. Dont allow her back and give her the ultimatum " marriage councelling and lets get this back on track or divorce" Coucelling can be done from separate houses she doesnt have to live with you. You have to take control and show her that her behaviour is unacceptable and you are no longer willing to accept it any more. Make statements not retorical. Be firm infront of her. When you close the door then is the time to cry not infront of her. hugs Nobby xx
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