jj33 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Its been a long time since the A officially ended but the fall out has continued far longer than I ever would have expected or wanted it to. And its hindered my ability to really put it behind me the way I would have liked to so long after it ended. Yes I could have simply decided to steel mayself against anything he might say or do, but thats proved harder in practice than I expected it to be. After a tumultous period things are calm but there have been hiccups recently. I am contemplating sitting him down and saying I know you think I should not react anymore but when you do x it upsets me and so I get upset with you, we have a professional relatoinship and if we want it to go smoothly then could you not do xyz. ive already stopped alot of the xyz (things that clearly had no business purpose that couldnt have been accomplished in some other way that did also have a personal component). Im going back and forth in my mind, should I just say nothing and hope that eventually I stop reacting (not working so well) or should I finally say something so that he knows that I am reacting not because I am a lunatic or emotionally unstable but because he is (to my mind) jerking me around. Am at my wits end with this and every few months I blow up at him because I cant deal with it. I cant complain about the fact that he shoved away this very hot man I was talking to at a party by barging in and essentially marking his territory (which felt very unfair hes made his choice I should be able to move on too) but I can mention other things that are more concrete and less petty. Thanks in advance
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I still work with the ex-OM and I found the best way to get him to stop playing so many games was not to react. Give him nothing at all - he's not worth it. He still tries now and then but I act as if nothing is happening and just keep it all work based. If I said anything, he would know I was bothered and I won't give him that satisfaction.
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Maybe I am really naive. I cant believe he would keep doing these things if he knew that they were upsetting me. Hes finally stopped calling my home because I asked him not to. I dont know why it took me so long. His position is that he only calls for business but isnt that what cell phones are for? And most of the out of hours calls left me staring at the phone hissing why are you calling me to tell me this? Call your wife... No I didnt say that to him, he would have said that I was being bitter. Our industry is very social and its important to be pleasant and cordial at all times... I always jumped off the phone quickly but it really got to me that he was calling me as if we were still a couple when we hadnt been in so long. I did shut that down. I thought I had shut down every avenue but he always finds something. I feel like I need to call him on it so that he knows that I am on to him. And so he doesnt have scope to keep saying that he doesnt know why I am reacting. Maybe I am being naive. Maybe these are playground rules. I dont know.
fooled once Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Its been a long time since the A officially ended but the fall out has continued far longer than I ever would have expected or wanted it to. And its hindered my ability to really put it behind me the way I would have liked to so long after it ended. Yes I could have simply decided to steel mayself against anything he might say or do, but thats proved harder in practice than I expected it to be. After a tumultous period things are calm but there have been hiccups recently. I am contemplating sitting him down and saying I know you think I should not react anymore but when you do x it upsets me and so I get upset with you, we have a professional relatoinship and if we want it to go smoothly then could you not do xyz. ive already stopped alot of the xyz (things that clearly had no business purpose that couldnt have been accomplished in some other way that did also have a personal component). Im going back and forth in my mind, should I just say nothing and hope that eventually I stop reacting (not working so well) or should I finally say something so that he knows that I am reacting not because I am a lunatic or emotionally unstable but because he is (to my mind) jerking me around. Am at my wits end with this and every few months I blow up at him because I cant deal with it. I cant complain about the fact that he shoved away this very hot man I was talking to at a party by barging in and essentially marking his territory (which felt very unfair hes made his choice I should be able to move on too) but I can mention other things that are more concrete and less petty. Thanks in advance Why not? As you said, you have already tried it by not saying something and that isn't working so well for you...so what do you have to lose at this point?
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Thats what I figure Fooled. We are getting along better than we have in a long time and I want to use the opportunity to set out ground rules so that hopefully we wont have the same sorts of squirmishes in the future. There is a risk that he will just throw up his hands and say enough, I dont want to even deal with her anymore if its not absolutely necessary (which would be a big problem for me financially because he has hte power to imopact my income and to do it by saying I wasnt the right person etc etc ) so there is risk. I have to be calm and cool which is not my strongsuit especially about this stuff.
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I dont think he would actually do anything to hurt me but we have been getting along so much better its our business dealings a lot more pleasant. I dont want to go back to the constant stress that we had for awhile.
pureinheart Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Hi JJ, I have little to add except a big hug (((((((hug))))))) and I am soooo sorry about all of this. It's so difficult, hey JJ you got my thoughts and prayer, always!
jwi71 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 JJ Darling... Don't. Just don't. I understand what you are trying to do and what you want to happen. But do you honestly believe he his eyes will widen full of soulful understanding and give you the peace and distance you so seek? Or is shythead gonna puff like like a balloon, grin stupidly, think "I still go it", and continue with this juvenile sense of self-worth and power. Uh-huh, the latter. You have done all you can do. You've ended it. You've outed it. You've done all a reasonable person could do. He persists, albeit at a low level of "interference"...or has that changed since Dec? I'd let it be. Ignore him. I know its a bitter pill. I fear this talk, though warranted, has the opposite effect of what you want. JW
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I am contemplating sitting him down and saying I know you think I should not react anymore but when you do x it upsets me and so I get upset with you, we have a professional relatoinship and if we want it to go smoothly then could you not do xyz. Don't. Just try your best and keep telling yourself you don't care. You have no control over what he may feel, think or do. You can only control yourself and how you react to stuff. If you have a professional relationship with him, keep it that way. As simple as possible! By talking to him, this lets HIM know that he is on your mind. Just BE professional. Let your actions show this and he'll have no choice but to follow suit.
NoIDidn't Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I say, don't. I don't know his motivations for what he is doing. It could be that he is interfering to cut you off from other interests and endeavors, because he can. And it may be that he simply can't see beyond his own ideas to even notice or care how it affects you. Either way, I think sitting him down is going to be an exercise in futility. I just don't think he cares how you feel about his actions. You'll notice these annoying things less once you get really good at ignoring them. I don't always agree with a recommendation of practicing indifference towards a person, but I think that's your best option in this situation. (((jj33)))
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Thanks all. I know he knows. But I have never called him on it. I have always backed down short of calling him on various things to keep the peace. I know it probably wont do anything and it might make me feel worse. But its been so long if it could help at all, it may be worth it. Hes away for Easter break now so it will have to wait until he's back in town.
Hazyhead Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Hey JJ. When I initially read your post I was like, 'Yes! Confront the bugger!' But, now, after reading everybody's oh-so-wise posts, I agree that you shouldn't. I think sometimes I can be a little confrontational - not in an aggressive way - just because I like to 'sort things out', or so I think, but here I see that it could make things worse. I work with children/teens and my advice when another is bothering them is the typical 'Ignore them and they wold soon get fed up as they are looking for a reaction', which I think could apply here. How bloody childish of him! Rise above the fool!
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 I know what you mean Hazy but several years on it hasnt worked out that way in this case.... hes obviously got a longer attention span than I would have thought:lmao:
Author jj33 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 That is the dilemma exactly JThorne. I think Ive found a way of saying it that doesnt come off as aggressively telling him to knock it off - so that it doesnt create yet another congfrontation. But it will make it harder for him to keep it up and then tell me I am unprofessional when I ask what he is doing (only to be told nothing why are you making a fuss?)
White Flower Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I wouldn't JJ. I would just go on and continue to look for happiness elsewhere. BE HAPPY! And if he EVER marks 'his' territory like that again, go chase down the other guy and make well sure he knows that exMM is quite jealous, you're sorry, and could you start up the convo again. Don't ever let him chase another handsome guy away again! If he were so 'over you' he wouldn't display such behavior. What a peacock!
Author jj33 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Thanks. WF I did chase down the other guy, I didnt know anyone at the party at that point other than the host so I found the man who was talking to a friend and at that point he was not interested in continuing the conversation. Either he wasnt terribly interested or he had been successfully chased away. As for decisions I was going to but now am thinking twice about it. For xMM each day is a new chapter so to him anything that happened more than 24 hours ago is ancient history.
Author jj33 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Actually I have to think about this. If I didnt still have feelings for him his current stuff wouldnt matter - its not anything that harms me professionally anymore. Its stuff that toys with my heart. After all this time, youd think Id be hardened to it. Telling him does just reinforce the fact that Im not over him and may accomplish nothing...
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