magic man Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Heres the deal, i met this girl early Februaryish and we hit it off straight away, phone calls every night for hours, falling asleep on the phone with each other, going to the cinema - her being really into me basically etc etc. Shes smoking hot too, i got really lucky. Im gonna call this girl, S. After 2 weeks of knowing her we got into a relationship (i know it wasnt the smartest thing to do so soon, but it felt so right at the time). Things were going good for a month until a week ago she phoned me up and said she 'just wants to be friends' for a while - her reason was because she had just got out off a year long on/off relationship with another guy just a week before getting with me (im 99% im not the rebound guy as she only stayed with her ex out of pity, she also ridicules him all the time like she doesnt give 2 ****s about him at all when hes trying to get back with her). This really threw me off because everything was going perfect and she was really REALLY into me (she told me she wanted a really long relationship with me all the time) and i have to admit i was and still am feeling her alot too. I didnt want to be clingy so i had no other choice but to go along with it. I went to go spend some time with her on Wednesday, and for the first half an hour or so was being really 'off' with me (not really talking much, pretty much trying to give me the message that we arent in a relationship anymore). Anyway to see if she was genuine and not just messing with my head i decided to play a game with her. I have a really close 'girl' friend from college who's like a sister to me (no, seriously.) and she wrote her name on my hand with a love heart earlier in the day, i flashed my hand to 'S' on purpose so she saw this and she got really mad and jealous - threatening to go home and not talk to me etc. After i explained to her that it was just a friend she seemed to cool down and started to be all over me, giving me long tight hugs, kissing my neck (basically confusing the **** outta me) being her usual self.. asif we were still together, at one point we even started passionately kissing and she even cuddled up next to me to fall asleep. Whenever i talk to her about me and her getting back together she almost always tries avoiding the conversation by telling me shes busy and cant talk over the phone, or cutting the conversation if its face to face by saying something like "please dont 'cos we're gonna go round in circles" bla bla. I went to the cinema with her yesterday night and after the film i started another conversation with her because tbh i dont know where the **** i stand with her. Her adamant reply like usual was "we're just friends.. FOR NOW" and that i just have to wait for her, to which my reply was im not prepared to be wasting my time with someone who'se only interested in being friends and not wanting a relationship. Bare in mind that moments before while we were watching the film shes sitting there with her hand on my face stroking it and holding my hand? So damn confusing.. She rung me a couple weeks ago and basically said that she shouldnt see me until i stop having feelings in that way for her, and that i should see her as a sister more than anything? (WTF!?) But obviously was 'busy' and had to go as soon as i questioned it all. Why is she saying this when she was the one who wanted a relationship in the first place, and then wants me to wait for her? She then went away for 4 days and the only contact we had was two 10 minute phonecalls on different days as she was busy working. When she got back she was literally all over me again, i was at her place with her and her mum (her mum approves of me alot) just talking and having a good time, when she takes me out the room to kiss me passionately in the hallway.. Yesterday night i went to go spend some time with her and gave her abit of a hard time about her playing games with me as she wants a relationship one day and then a couple days later go's back to wanting too be 'just friends', her reply was that shes confused and doesnt know what she wants and that she isnt using me and the reason she isnt with me yet isnt because she thinks she can do better - and tbh she did seem very genuine and upset (which is what i initially and still do sometimes think), she then shut off to me completely because she was upset that i even implied such things - all day today she didnt ring until a couple hours ago asking to see me - once i said i couldnt and was busy she again gave me silent treatment. Yeah so anyway.. i dont know if this girl just likes messing with my head, is really into me and doesnt know it yet, or just wants me as a friend. Hard to think a couple of months ago she wasnt even in my life and now shes more or less the only thing on my mind. I dont know whether to stop all contact or to wait it out :/ help, advice?
dazzle22 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Listen VERY CAREFULLY to what people say in situations like this, and they always show their hands, without even wanting to. Highlight some of the things she said, in your post and the meaning will be apparent, especially, the "THE REASON SHE ISN'T WITH ME YET, IS SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO BETTER!!!" There you go, there's your answer straight from the horses's mouth.....
Author magic man Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Listen VERY CAREFULLY to what people say in situations like this, and they always show their hands, without even wanting to. Highlight some of the things she said, in your post and the meaning will be apparent, especially, the "THE REASON SHE ISN'T WITH ME YET, IS SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO BETTER!!!" There you go, there's your answer straight from the horses's mouth..... No she said, its NOT because she thinks she can do better, i see how you made the mistake though. and the reason she isnt with me yet isnt because she thinks she can do better
dazzle22 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 No she said, its NOT because she thinks she can do better, i see how you made the mistake though. Oh, misread the double negatives in the sentence. That being said, she's making noises like you should look at her like a 'sister'.. friend zone language. So you are going to have to make some maneuvers to get out of that driving lane!
Author magic man Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 where are the signs shes putting me in the freind zone?
Author magic man Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Im 18 and shes 16 (whenever i mention this, the universal reply is RUN haha), im really into her like i thought (think?) she was into me.
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 At the risk of sounding patronising, she's just a child and only just legal in some places, to even consider getting physical... and you are still in the throes of your adolescent puberty, and your hormones haven't actually even settled at all yet. That's not being dismissive, that's a fact. if I may say so, perhaps it might be the wise thing to relax, take it easy, be more laid back, and actually not care about things right now, because I can promise you, this is not a huge deal. I know it probably feels like it is. In fact, I'm sure you do feel like that. Hard as it may be for some to believe, I too hit 16. And even 18. And went through some tough times. No, I mean, really tough. So I do know what it's like to be pulled through the wringer, which is why I can honestly tell you, from experience, don't make things too deep. You're young, and this is the time to just hang loose and enjoy life one day at a time. Trust me, when you have rent to pay, bills to meet, and all the responsibilities being an adult entails - you'll want these days back, so badly.......... Don't spend them agonising over trivia.
dazzle22 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 where are the signs shes putting me in the freind zone? Because she said you should look at her like a sister. Now unless she is ancient Egyptian royalty, where bros and sisters married, that is 'friend zone'. Plus, now that we know she is 16, well....she doesn't even know if she likes her hair from one day to the next, let alone a guy. No seriously, she might like you but she is stringing you along. Date some other girls to get your mind off her. Then she'll come running back. You've got to play this 'cooler'. You are showing your hand too much. Take some cards back.
boogieboy Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She likes the attention from you, since when she says jump you ask her how high. You are giving her too much power over you because shes hot. Ill tell you something that might change your mind about her. She said her ex is stalking her and trying to get back with her....I bet its the other way around. She is stalking him, but trying to make herself look good to you. This is typical hot & cold behavior of someone who is strung out over someone else, and it trying to fill the void they left. She was dumped, youre the rebound, and shes acting like this because you....as a rebound...aint working for her. her ex gave her a glimpse of hope, and thats why she told you "lets just be friends". Either that or after two weeks you did something to turn her off, but since youre the only one calling her right now, and she cant get the guy she REALLY wants, she keeps kissing you once in a while to keep you around. Please stop talking to her. You will NEVER get into a relationship with her again. While youre at it, make sure she sees you with a new girl, because it will make her insanely jealous, but it will never make her want to be in a relationship again with you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 im 99% im not the rebound guy as she only stayed with her ex out of pity, she also ridicules him all the time like she doesnt give 2 ****s about him at all when hes trying to get back with her It doesn't sound like she was trying to convince you of this so much as she was trying to convince herself. If she was really over it, she'd be indifferent. As for the hot and cold treatment - it sounds like she is doing the hot and cold with someone else as well. When it is hot with him, it is cold with you. When it is hot with you, it is cold with him. She is between branches right now. Whichever branch she has the strongest hold on will be the one she swings to. Might be yours, might be his - but it sounds like she is holding on to you while waiting to see if she can latch on tighter to another branch. I'd tell her to take all the time she needs, and then cut her off completely and date other girls. There is no sense in letting a girl treat you this way.
DustySaltus Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It doesn't sound like she was trying to convince you of this so much as she was trying to convince herself. If she was really over it, she'd be indifferent. As for the hot and cold treatment - it sounds like she is doing the hot and cold with someone else as well. When it is hot with him, it is cold with you. When it is hot with you, it is cold with him. She is between branches right now. Whichever branch she has the strongest hold on will be the one she swings to. Might be yours, might be his - but it sounds like she is holding on to you while waiting to see if she can latch on tighter to another branch. I'd tell her to take all the time she needs, and then cut her off completely and date other girls. There is no sense in letting a girl treat you this way. Magic Man, this is right on the money. You are the rebound guy, she was trying to fill a void with you. Her reason for keeping you around is to appeal to her OWN interests, not yours. That's not fair to you. It's time to distance yourself from her and fall of the face of the earth.
Author magic man Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 She likes the attention from you, since when she says jump you ask her how high. You are giving her too much power over you because shes hot. Ill tell you something that might change your mind about her. She said her ex is stalking her and trying to get back with her....I bet its the other way around. She is stalking him, but trying to make herself look good to you. This is typical hot & cold behavior of someone who is strung out over someone else, and it trying to fill the void they left. She was dumped, youre the rebound, and shes acting like this because you....as a rebound...aint working for her. her ex gave her a glimpse of hope, and thats why she told you "lets just be friends". Either that or after two weeks you did something to turn her off, but since youre the only one calling her right now, and she cant get the guy she REALLY wants, she keeps kissing you once in a while to keep you around. Please stop talking to her. You will NEVER get into a relationship with her again. While youre at it, make sure she sees you with a new girl, because it will make her insanely jealous, but it will never make her want to be in a relationship again with you. She was the one that finished it with him, and ive seen the texts he sends her, trust me its him trying it not her. But anyway remember i said she was giving me the silent treatment, well i was ringing her this morning and she didnt pick up my calls. So i then put myself on withheld and rung her.. she picked up and i told her not to bother speaking to me again. She then rung back 4 times and i cancelled each call, after that she sent me a text telling me to delete her number (basically trying to get me to run after her?).
make me believe Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She doesn't want to be with you but she wants to keep you around because you feed her ego. She is a drama queen with all of this "hot and cold" behavior and you should respect yourself more than to play her games. Just get rid of her. Delete her number like she said to, and quit answering her calls/texts. I totally agree with the others who say she still has something going on with her ex. If she's so over him and wants nothing to do with him, why does she spend so much time talking about him (even if she's talking sh*t), showing you his texts, etc? She's stringing both of you along. Don't let her do it!
Author magic man Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 where are the signs that shes still getting over her ex? call me thick but i honestly dont see them at all :/
Odyssey Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 well OP, you know her better than me. But someone's not over their ex, if they still bring up their ex right? ...only you can tell.
spiderowl Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 (edited) "she phoned me up and said she 'just wants to be friends' for a while" She was OK with things at first then started having doubts. Could be you were pushing forward faster than she felt comfortable with and she needed you to back off a bit. Her reasons are her justification, not the same thing at all. "I went to go spend some time with her on Wednesday, and for the first half an hour or so was being really 'off' with me (not really talking much, pretty much trying to give me the message that we arent in a relationship anymore)." Sounds to me like you are being quite pushy, maybe unwittingly because you're keen, but she wants you to back off. She will feel pressured otherwise. If you want her, then back off and let her feel she's choosing you not the other way round. Well, you both sound a bit immature, playing games with each other. She fell for your game with the heart but maybe she was just claiming possession of you for a while. It still didn't mean she wanted a serious relationship, just to know she could have one if she wanted. "**** i stand with her. Her adamant reply like usual was "we're just friends.. FOR NOW" and that i just have to wait for her" I think you're reading her all wrong at the moment. It sounds like she barely has chance to breathe alone, let alone miss you. Give her chance to miss you. If you behave like you might be losing interest a bit (but not completely), she may find she misses you and wants to spend time with you. Just don't blow it by putting her under pressure to make decisions. She probably doesn't know what she wants at this point. She is not in the same place as you emotionally, but if conditions are right and you give her a little space and consideration, she may catch up with you. "She rung me a couple weeks ago and basically said that she shouldnt see me until i stop having feelings in that way for her, and that i should see her as a sister more than anything? (WTF!?)" Because you are putting her under pressure. You are making the mistake of thinking because you feel strongly that she must too or she is messing you around. Her feelings may not have had chance to develop yet. People fall in love at different paces. Then again, they may never develop, but that's a chance you take in relationships. "she then shut off to me completely because she was upset that i even implied such things" If you don't let her find her own way in this relationship and just care for her and spend time with her when she wants it, then you will lose her. Too much pressure will make her panic, which is exactly what happened here. "Hard to think a couple of months ago she wasnt even in my life and now shes more or less the only thing on my mind." Yes, it's the way you're feeling that's driving her away. You're feeling mad and passionate. She's just getting to know you and warming towards you (hopefully). Just give her time and space and carry on caring for her and being affectionate. Don't expect commitment so early - it's two months, for goodness sake! No wonder the woman's holding you at arm's length. Edited April 6, 2010 by spiderowl
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