This Hurts Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 This will be what I'm feeling right now and what I have been feeling lately. Hopefully writing this out here will make me feel a little better. Something I feel I should say before I type this is that I of course have not been feeling all of these things all at once, nonstop. They have come and gone and gone up and down in intensity, just a note. Dreaming: I feel like I have been walking through a dream. This doesn't feel like real life, it feels like I'm in some other dimension, with a house and friends and lifestyle that appear to be mine but they're really just imitations—empty. Nothing feels familiar, it kind of feels as if I started a whole new life... but as myself. I know everybody wishes to start a new life, but this is not a pleasant feeling. Desperate: I feel desperate for something, but I don't know what it is (I'm aware it's most likely her). Now more than ever I understand "Love is like air", because now that she's gone I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm desperate to breathe. I feel desperate for help, for love, for aspirations, for everything. I want help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I want love, but when I imagine myself even being hit on, or complimented by another girl, I feel empty and uncomfortable. I want dreams and goals, but whenever I think of the future (even if it's good), I feel depressed and scared. It's the weirdest feeling in the world, it's like WANTING something but when you imagine yourself with it, you feel terrible EVEN IF IT'S GOOD! Doesn't that suck? Scared: This one is pretty self-explanatory. I'm scared, of everything. I'm scared of the past, I'm scared of the next hour, I'm scared of tomorrow, next week, 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now. I'm scared of staying home and I'm scared of going out. I don't know why. I don't even think it's normal to feel this scared when going through heartbreak. I'm torn between options. If I'm offered to go out, I have NO IDEA if I want to stay home or go out, mostly because I'm afraid of how I'll feel if I stay home, or if I go out. Hate: I ****ing hate her for making me go through this. I have wished the worst upon her lately. I hate her for breaking all the promises, for hurting me so god damn badly AND NOT CARING ABOUT IT. She seriously has not given a **** about how she's been speaking to me and how she's affecting me. She's been SO careless, and it makes me want to start learning voodoo and casting spells on her (lol). That's just a few things I have been feeling. There's other stuff, but they're all mostly tied into these 4 main things. A couple of things I want to clear up that I feel I will be called out on is very briefly what's happening: over 3.5 year relationship, ended a little over a week ago, very abrupt and confusing, first love, first everything, etc etc. The main thing with my situation is that she has bipolar disorder and she's not really treated for it, and I'm pretty sure she's going through a manic episode. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of days and I will start NC as soon as I can (I'm getting a psychologist soon, plus I want to talk to a close friend of mine and my mommy before taking this step because right now I REALLY am not stable). So please, I ask from the bottom of my little broken heart, don't jump me for not being on strict NC just yet.
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 What do you want? Do you want her back? Do you want to move on? I could have written this post, except for the details of your relationship, and the fact that I am a woman and I have a child, and I've been split with my ex longer. The only advice I have is choose your path and do not waffle.
Author This Hurts Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 What do you want? Do you want her back? Do you want to move on? I could have written this post, except for the details of your relationship, and the fact that I am a woman and I have a child, and I've been split with my ex longer. The only advice I have is choose your path and do not waffle. Thank you. All I need is a little more time to take the step. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what needs to be happen, my heart is just going through shock right now and I need a little more time to prepare myself. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I know no other way of explaining it. I promise it's not an excuse. I know myself and all I need is a little more time.
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 No problemo. Everyone has to hide in their cave sometime. As long as you don't suffer from chronic ostrich with head in the sand syndrome, it's perfectly acceptible to take some time to yourself to gather your thoughts and observe your feelings. Just get outside sometimes.
dazzle22 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 The feelings you describe are part of the 'stages of grief' explained by Kubler-Ross. Denial/anger/bargaining/depression, then acceptance.. If she is bipolar, I strongly advise you to google for some support groups of spouses or SO's of bipolar people to see what is in store for people who commit to relationships like this. Extremely difficult...You may come to find that this is a blessing in disguise for you.
just1guy Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Hang in there man. I have and still am going between the stages of anger, depression, and acceptance. I will tell you that as I continue to go thru these stages in cycles, each cycle becomes easier to survive.
pgummins Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Thats exactly what Im feeling... I hardly recognise myself. But I am KIND OF excited that this could be a new beginning
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