SummerLady Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 A good friend of mine called me today very upset. Not sure how to advise her. She is divorced and dating a man for almost 2 years. This gentleman who I know briefly had a girlfiiend that was killed by her ex husband 9 years ago. My girlfriend said he has a picture of her in his wallet and she is upset that he still has it in there. She asked him to take it out and he said no he will keep it in there. That response bothered me as why would you create an issue. The person is deceased and you want to make a problem or issue about it? I understand that this person is no longer alive but I would have handled it differently. Is she being selfish or is this an actual issue, thoughts?? I do not know what to tell her that is why I am asking you all..
Author SummerLady Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 She is being selfish. I agree with you but do you think he should have said I am never removing the picture?? I don't think he handled it right. Meaning is it worth having a problem with your present relationship over someone that is dead. Does that make sense??
Woggle Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I think she shouldn't ask him to take it out but he might not be over her yet. Neither one of them seems like bad people but I don't think this will work in the long run.
Author SummerLady Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I think she shouldn't ask him to take it out but he might not be over her yet. Neither one of them seems like bad people but I don't think this will work in the long run. Wow 9 years later and not over it... I see your point though... Maybe he never will as I think 9 years is a long time at least to me...
Fouts Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 He has every right to keep a memory of a dear friend close to him. Your friend is being self centered, case closed. If she's that insecure she's never going to make it work in the long run anyway.
Author SummerLady Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 He has every right to keep a memory of a dear friend close to him. Your friend is being self centered, case closed. If she's that insecure she's never going to make it work in the long run anyway. Fouts I agree with you but but I would not make an issue with someone I loved over this if it bothered them, does that make sense??
Woggle Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Wow 9 years later and not over it... I see your point though... Maybe he never will as I think 9 years is a long time at least to me... When somebody you care about is murdered like that it is very hard to get over. A friend of mine was murdered in 2002 and I still find it hard to go past the spot where it happened.
dazzle22 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I think she shouldn't ask him to take it out but he might not be over her yet. Neither one of them seems like bad people but I don't think this will work in the long run. I have to agree. While it is a long time, he is not over her. If my current husband died, I would never get over it and would carry his picture forever and have pictures up at home too. Anyone coming after would have a big 'ghost' to deal with. Just the honest truth. Likely true for him too, given his refusal...
Fouts Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I'm hearing you SummerLady, but it's your friend who's making the issue hun, not him. Think about it..
Storyrider Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I agree with Fouts. If he flaunted the photo and waved it in front of her face that would be a different matter, but his wallet is his own. Your friend should think about it this way...how can a deceased woman be a threat to her? Furthermore, even if he got rid of the photo this woman would still be in his mind and heart. And if your friend hopes to control that, she's fooling herself.
ADF Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Your friend is being a selfishing, controlling idiot. She has no right to tell this man he cannot keep a picture of a lost loved one in his wallet. She better grow the heck up before she loses a good man.
Gunny376 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I could go into a long post about this and that? But I'll give you the Cliff Notes version of it? She's insecure and jealous of a dead woman. My definition of jealousy? Is a innate and irrational fear of one being able to compete with another in the presence of anyone else for the attention and affection of another? A really good example is my Bro ~ Mitch. Mitch is your average high school educated, intelligent, self supporting, self sufficient, like able, easy-going, hard working LA (Lower Alabama) Black man. He's a lot of fun to be around ~joke around and talk smack with! My Boy lucked up, and while filling up his car up in Montgomery one day? Got to talking with a woman that was filling up her car with gas. She handed him her card, and he blew it off as happenstance? One day? Months later? He was cleaning out his car and came across her card? JHC! She's an attorney! That has her own "elder-law" practice! He called her? They get to chatting. JHC! She's one of the highest ranking members of the National Guard! Not only that? She's up for promotion BIG TIME! Its possible that she may even earn her "Star" of being a General" But he told me what she said best! "If you can find yourself someone better than me and what I've got to offer you and give you? They deserve you! Damn right Skippy! Its all about self-esteem, self confidence, self-reliance, self perspective. Keeping it "Real"
dgiirl Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Fouts I agree with you but but I would not make an issue with someone I loved over this if it bothered them, does that make sense?? Your friend is the one who is making a big issue out of it. It's HIS wallet, not hers. And it's of a loved one who was killed, not an ex girlfriend who ended the relationship. She knew before getting involved with this man he had a past. If she cannot deal with it and be supporting, then she should leave. As it is, she's being selfish, controlling, and uncaring of him, over a photo?!
Lizzie60 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 My thoughts.. I think he's over the pain... but didn't like the fact that SHE wants him to get rid of the picture... it's a control thing IMO. She wants to control his wallet... and he doesn't like that.. my 2$
Fouts Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She wants to control his wallet... and he doesn't like that.. It's starts with pictures and ends with the cash & credit cards
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 The live woman should stop complaining about the picture of the woman who is no longer living. It's cruel and unreasonable to demand that he remove the picture. And even if she DID succeed in getting him to remove the picture, guess what? She still can't reach inside the man's brain and snatch out all the memories and feelings about that previous GF. Up to her whether she feels she is living with too big and powerful a ghost.
Disintegration Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She's only dating the man, yes he has a picture of his former gf in his wallet but she is deceased. He obviously still feels the pain of her murder. That isn't someothing that you can ever forget. This was before your friend was even involved with him. It is part of his past yes, but it isn't as though she is still living and he may still have feelings for her and can act on them. There really shouldn't be a cause for jealousy in this matter. She might drive the man away if she insists on him removing the picture. Maybe as time goes on he will eventually get rid of it, but then again it's been 9 years he may just keep it there forever.
Author SummerLady Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 She's only dating the man, yes he has a picture of his former gf in his wallet but she is deceased. He obviously still feels the pain of her murder. That isn't someothing that you can ever forget. This was before your friend was even involved with him. It is part of his past yes, but it isn't as though she is still living and he may still have feelings for her and can act on them. There really shouldn't be a cause for jealousy in this matter. She might drive the man away if she insists on him removing the picture. Maybe as time goes on he will eventually get rid of it, but then again it's been 9 years he may just keep it there forever. Thanks for all your feedback. She does feel bad about asking him to remove it. I think she had a crazy moment. My friend is not generally jealous to my knowledge. I was not so much siding with her but I have a tendency to accomodate people I love more then I should and not make waves. So if it were me I would have removed it but I see all of your points and agree. I see how she is insecure but agree that she should have just let that one slide by.
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