Custody question

[sweetseraph]

I'm new here and in a panic. My ex and I have been split for 6 months now and I have had primary custody of our 2 children. I have recently begun a custody hearing due to some personal reasons. Now my ex has decided since I am taking him to court that he wants 50% custody. He works full time and I am a full time stay at home mom doing correspondance. He wants his girlfriend to watch the children while he is at work during his week of having the kids. Do you think he will get custody? They would be in someone else's care for 10+ hours a day with him and I don't think that's right or fair to our children when I am here to take care of them. Thanks in advance for any response

[Lizzie60]

What's wrong with his gf? Can't she take care of your kids?

 

If you were working.. someone (stranger) would take care of your kids.. I see nothing wrong with his gf looking after them.

 

There is not much you can do.. the judge will decide whether he should get 50% of the custody.. which I think is fair.. if he's a good dad.. why deny him his kids half the time?

 

It's over with him.. he will have another woman in his life.. and he will get to see his kids.. so methink you should go with the best scenario for your kids.. therefore... be amicable with your ex when it comes to your children.

[sweetseraph]

His girlfriend is probably capable of taking care of my children but not for 10+ hours, she is a child, only 21. Besides, if I were working this wouldn't be an issue. My problem is that I don't think they should be cared for by someone else when I am around to take care of him. Should he get 50% custody he would see his kids for 2 hours, home in time to put them to bed. He doesn't take them for an entire day as it is because he needs time off. I have offered him more access but he does not want it.

 

edited to add they have only been together for a few months, he hardly even knows the girl and from the stories I've heard I don't really trust her temper.

[nobmagnet]

I like lizzie but i dont agree,

 

you are primary career always have been. as am too. no i wouldnt imagine in a million years it will happen unless you are areally bad mum.

 

i understand your fear, and i would be worried too. but in all real sence of life why would they ever?????????? it just wont happenIMO

 

have my hugs and im here if you need me. just not for a few hours im afraid as i am at least 5 hours ahead,

 

 

nobby xxxxxxx

[sweetseraph]

Thanks

 

I am so scared right now. He never really seemed interested in taking the kids until child support became an issue. He just can't afford it. He has expensive taste that takes up most of his budget. I just can't be without my babies for that long. Since we separated he has gone almost a month once without even wanting to see them. He often cancels on the days we have agreed that he has the kids overnight and always returns them early in the afternoon if not in the morning. I just don't get it. I really can't stand to be away from my babies, and obviously he can.

[LonelyTiger]

The best scenario for kids is to be looked after by their parents (assuming the parents are not abusive in any way).

 

If you are able to be at home to take care of your children on a daily basis it would seem very wrong to me to move them 50% of the time to a home where they were being looked after by someone else, especially a 21 year old new girlfriend.

 

If your ex is a good father then 50% custody does seem fair to both him and the children, but I can't imagine any judge agreeing to the situation your ex is suggesting. He isn't available to look after them during the day and you are!

 

Do you perhaps live near enough that you could take care of them Monday to Friday during the day and you share evenings and weekends with your ex?

 

I sense there is quite a lot of information missing here. What prompted you to start a custody hearing when you already had primary custody?

[Lizzie60]

His girlfriend is probably capable of taking care of my children but not for 10+ hours, she is a child, only 21. Besides, if I were working this wouldn't be an issue. My problem is that I don't think they should be cared for by someone else when I am around to take care of him. Should he get 50% custody he would see his kids for 2 hours, home in time to put them to bed. He doesn't take them for an entire day as it is because he needs time off. I have offered him more access but he does not want it.

 

edited to add they have only been together for a few months, he hardly even knows the girl and from the stories I've heard I don't really trust her temper.

 

I totally agree with you.. I can understand your worries.. but the judge might think otherwise.. be prepared.. write a letter to the judge explaining why you think you should keep the full custody.

 

How do you live? he obviously don't pay support for you.. (I think) and you say you're a SAHM.. how do you live?

[You Go Girl]

She must want more money, or some money if he's giving her none...that's for sure, its' something about money.

You need to document which days he spent time with the kids, which days he cancelled, etc. Then show those records to the judge.

The judge of course needs to know that this gf will be watching them when he is not around.

I believe if you asked the judge if you could drop them off when he returns home from work, or if he picks them up on his way home from work only, not letting them spend time with the gf alone, the judge will probably agree with you.

[sweetseraph]

Thanks for responding. Our situation is complicated. It was an abusive relationship. He mentally abused me for 9 year and I have found out that he has also been with other people during our relationship while on a "break" for 3 days(2 people in 3 days). He often threatens not to return our children when he is angry at me and I have no legal rights to apprehend them. I believe he would keep them to hurt me, hence the court case. He uses support as a leverage tool as well. He will only pay me if he puts it in my hand and won't agree on a day to pay it each month. I have to wait until his girlfriend pays him rent.

 

I have no problem doing my best to share the kids with him. They are so young (2.5 and 8 months) that I don't want to damage them in any way and I don't want to refuse them their father. He has carte blanche right now. As long as I don't have plans already he can take them. I think it's the support payment he wants to avoid since he can't really afford it. We also live 10mins apart. He doesn't ever ask to take his kids other than every 2nd tuesday and Sunday, oh and holidays but it's always last minute.

[Lizzie60]

Oh gosh... document everything... let the judge know everything.. it's important for the little ones..

 

Your ex seems to be extremely selfish and NOT a good father.. because if he was, he would take care of them a lot more..

 

He is immature and selfish ... not a good combination.. poor kids..

[LonelyTiger]

Yes, definitely, get everything on paper and make sure the judge knows every last detail.

 

I can't imagine, for one minute, that a judge would grant custody to a man who is going to leave a 2yr old and an 8 month old with a 21 year old who pays him rent - especially when their mother is able to take care of them full time!

 

I can understand how horrible this is for you but hang in there. I'm sure the odds are very much in your favour.

[You Go Girl]

Seraph--you're with a control freak. It's going to get uglier, because when control freaks can't control--they lash out.

Definitely go through with getting the court involved. His wages need to be garnished for support.

Go for the absolute max you can ask for.

Don't let this person control any aspect of your life.

Insist all visits with children are set up a week prior.

Start taking control of the decision making process.

He is going to be even nastier, but he will have lost control over YOU!

 

Stay strong, I know how a control freak is, married one myself.

[sweetseraph]

Oh gosh... document everything... let the judge know everything.. it's important for the little ones..

 

Your ex seems to be extremely selfish and NOT a good father.. because if he was, he would take care of them a lot more..

 

He is immature and selfish ... not a good combination.. poor kids..

 

See that's what I think but I don't want this to be a pissing contest where we bash eachother. I was just talking with him and he said if I drop the court case he won't ask for 50%. I don't know what to do.

[sweetseraph]

Seraph--you're with a control freak. It's going to get uglier, because when control freaks can't control--they lash out.

Definitely go through with getting the court involved. His wages need to be garnished for support.

Go for the absolute max you can ask for.

Don't let this person control any aspect of your life.

Insist all visits with children are set up a week prior.

Start taking control of the decision making process.

He is going to be even nastier, but he will have lost control over YOU!

 

Stay strong, I know how a control freak is, married one myself.

 

 

He is a control freak. He said he'll drop the 50% thing if I don't take him to court. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take him to court and have it backfire.

[You Go Girl]

He is a control freak. He said he'll drop the 50% thing if I don't take him to court. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take him to court and have it backfire.

 

Sure, and he'll screw with your head forever more, playing games with visitation, support payments, and anything else that he knows you NEED, or NEED to know, that he can mess up your life and still have CONTROL OVER YOU.

It isn't worth it. You'll be controlled by him forever more...think about that.

You didn't get out and FREE just to be controlled by him until those kids are 18.

Maybe he'll even think of a way to control you past that, since he already knows all the easy ways to manipulate you.

[sweetseraph]

Sure, and he'll screw with your head forever more, playing games with visitation, support payments, and anything else that he knows you NEED, or NEED to know, that he can mess up your life and still have CONTROL OVER YOU.

It isn't worth it. You'll be controlled by him forever more...think about that.

You didn't get out and FREE just to be controlled by him until those kids are 18.

Maybe he'll even think of a way to control you past that, since he already knows all the easy ways to manipulate you.

 

 

He already has control over me and always will. I don't know that a court case will change that at all. He can still play games with visitation, by that I mean refusing to take them, if we go to court. It's the support that I will be sure to get if we do go the distance but I will have to wait for it because if I go forward I won't see a dime of it.

[You Go Girl]

Why will he always have control over you? Maybe with some help here that doesn't have to be the case. We need a lot more details as to why you would say such a thing!

 

As for the support, they can make it retroactive if he doesn't pay you while the proceedings are going on.

[sweetseraph]

Why will he always have control over you? Maybe with some help here that doesn't have to be the case. We need a lot more details as to why you would say such a thing!

 

As for the support, they can make it retroactive if he doesn't pay you while the proceedings are going on.

 

 

The relationship was fairly abusive, in the mental sense. He was very controlling and manipulative. That coupled with the fact that I am so brainwashed that our family is better whole than separated I don't want to stir things up too much. I love him still even though I don't know why. He knows exactly how to control me and it's usually through fear.

[Gunny376]

You didn't say where you from, (you don't have to mention the exact state, but West Coast, East Coast which country would help.)

 

I'm assuming your living in the United States.

 

But it comes down to this?

 

They are so young (2.5 and 8 months) + working SAHM? So not going to happen. You need but subpoena his boss to court and ask what kind of hours he works and keeps, and then bring in the GF and ask what time he leaves for work and what time he gets home? Ask her how many hours a day she will have them (you said ten), and that he will actually only see them for two hours a day.

 

The judge is then going to factor in that this is is twenty-one year old GF, who may be here today, but gone tomorrow.

 

Do you have any witnesses that he's been emotionally abusive? Mother, sisters, SIL, BIL, neighbors,etc.

 

I really don't believe you've got all that much to worry about. Women are awarded sole custody, (Joint custody is a fairly new concept in family law, and is only coming up because men are asserting their parental rights) 90% of the time. Especially when it comes to children so young as yours.

 

About the only way he's going to pull this off, (and I'm not saying he can't with the right lawyer and judge ~ in which case you can appeal) is that he can demonstrate that your trying to deny his parental visitation rights and/or attempting to alienate them from him, (Which is pretty damn hard to do when they're so young)

 

Most judges are going to see right through him, (they've dealt with this a million and one times) in that he's trying to get out of paying child support.

 

The health and welfare of the children comes first and foremost, then who is and has been the primary caregiver, and then keeping the primary caregiver and children off of the food stamps, welfare, section 8, Aid for Dependent Children Roles. WIC, etc roles.

 

If the spouse that earns the most income has to take a hit in the wallet? Oh Well? So be it! No one "forced" him to have unprotected sex with a woman.

 

That is to say? He had choices and options before he sent his "Willie" over the bern and across the wall without a helmet?

 

I alone could trip him up in court?

 

"Mr SG? What time do you get up to go to work? What time do you leave for work? What time do you leave work? What time do you get home from work? What time does your children go to bed? How much time do you spend with your children when you get home from work? How much do you earn? What are your expenses? Why do you need this or that? When was the last time you took a vacation? How did you pay for it? Do you have credit card receipts, canceled checks? Why do you need to drive such an expensive car? Why do you need to live in such an expensive apartment, house, neighborhood?

 

What time does your DD go to bed? What time does your DS wake up? What is their favorite food? Do you really think feeding a 2.5 year old McDonald's fast food is nutritionally good for them day in and day out?

 

How long have you known Miss 21 year old bimbo? Do you really think she's ready to be a full time babysitter to your two children. How long will it before she bails on you with someone that doesn't have children?

 

He's got about as much chance of getting joint custody as the Detroit Lions have of winning the Superbowl! (Sorry for you Detroit Lions fans ~ I know that hurt! To the OP? I don't think the Lions won a single game last year?)

[sweetseraph]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your post is very comforting lol. Technically I am going for joint custody, just primary custody with me. I don't know why I am doing it that way.....well ya I do. I was scared he would freak if I went for sole custody. I don't want to take away his parental rights. That would be unfair.

 

It woulnd't be hard to prove how long he works for, he has been doing it for years and he is the boss so there is no boss to get to testify lol. As it stands our arrangement is that he picks the kids up at 6pm, after work. Sometimes he is late. Last time it was 7pm. 8am - 6pm is 10 hours, 8am - 7pm is 11. Our kids go to bed at 8pm. Not much time left there.

 

Edited to add that I live in Canada