Mme Kie Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 I am 24 years old and 2 ½ months pregnant with my first child. In late October I broke-up with my boyfriend of five years because we wanted to go different directions in our lives- he wanted to get married and start a family, while I wanted to put of children and focus on my career for a few years. After we broke-up I went to visit my old college roommate who is a grad student in Paris. While visiting her I had a short fling with a visiting professor I met at her university. We took a weekend ski trip and I stupidly let him talk me into having unprotected sex. Right before I left to come home he told me that he lived with a woman in Barcelona and that they had two children together. Well, of course, I was shook up about that- I’ve NEVER been involved in cheating on or with somebody before. And after telling myself that it would be okay, I and not to worry my period did not come and I took an HPT, which was positive. My problem is that I do not know what to say to the father of my child. I am a Japanese citizen and have already arranged to move back to Japan to have the baby. I have not told the father and I am not sure if I want to. I am financially able to support myself and my child, though I am considering adoption. My question is: should I tell him? We didn’t have a real relationship, from the time we met to when he told me about his family, and said we could not see each other again, was less than one week. If I do keep the baby we will be living on opposite sides of the world and in very different cultures. I have told my family about that I am pregnant, but not all the details about the man. If do tell him, does anyone have any advice about how to do it? All I have is his e-mail address, can I tell some one something like this over e-mail?
Errol Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 I guess you need to decide what you want to do first. If you decide to give the baby up for adoption the father will have to be told because he will need to sign over his paternal rights. That could bring up a whole can of worms though if he decides to protest -- you can talk to adoption agencies in your part of the world to find out what laws apply to your situation. it's always a risk to tell him because you don't know what he may do or want to do. He is living with someone and has children with her and this news could destroy their relationship (I feel sorry for that woman -- she's going to get really hurt, but that is not your fault). Personally I think what I would want is to talk to an attorney first about having sole guardianship and get whatever papers are necessary to facilitate that, then I would contact the father and tell him that all you want from him is a family medical history and to sign the papers waiving any rights to the child in the future. That way you can face whatever challenges he may throw at you right now and be confident that in the future he won't be able to swoop in and upset your family and you will have a medical history which will help your child.
midori Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 I think that if you intend to bring his child into the world, as it seems you do, then you owe it to him to tell him about his child's existence. I see no problem in conveying this information to him via email, especially since it's the only medium available to you. I think you should simply tell him that you're pregnant, that you currently plan to return to Japan to have the baby, and you are considering your options once the baby is born. It sounds like you have no expectations for this man, which is probably good. Let him respond as he will. He may ask you what you want from him. He may ask you to not name him as the father. He may tell you that if you give the child up for adoption, he wants it. Who knows? But he deserves to have the chance to respond to the news. Given his circumstances, I think it's likely that he'll go along with whatever you decide to do. If you choose to keep the baby, I doubt he'd contest custody. If you decide to give it up for adoption, I'm sure he wouldn't object. In addition to being fair to the father of your child, you owe it to your child to be able to provide at least minimal information about his/her father. Get this man's full name, place of birth, etc. -- if he's willing to provide it that is -- so that whether you raise your baby or put it up for adoption, there will be a record of his/her father, so that should he/she wish to, he/she could trace his/her father in the future. Good luck. I hope whatever you decide that it goes well for you. PS: you might want to put "Urgent & Private Matter Regarding October's Meeting in France" or the like in the subject heading, so that he's sitting down and paying attention when he opens the email!
SoleMate Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Bless you for your courage. You sound so strong. I would urge you to investigate the legal aspects of child support when the father lives in another country. I understand right now that you are financially able to care for yourself and the child, but things do change. God forbid that you or the child should ever have a health problem, disability, or special needs, but it does happen, and you may want to be sure that the child can benefit from his father's financial resources and/or whatever other support the father is able to give. It is essential that you find the father's full name, address, and other particulars. I agree that there is not really a relationship there, but the ironic truth is that there will nevertheless be a new human being, who has the right to a full life and to his birthright of two acknowledged parents. It's possible that he wouldn't reply to an email, in which case you may need to hire a private investigator in Barcelona.
Mdm Kie Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Thank you for your support, reading your messages have made me feel a little better. Friday afternoon I finally worked up the courage to e-mail him. I told him that I was pregnant with his child and that I am moving back to Japan to be with my family. I also told him that I knew that it would be a shock for him and that I understood the difficult position his was in. I asked him to telephone me and I gave him my number. He called me back Sunday morning (my time) and we have a very uncomfortable conversation. I was a little surprised that he called at all, let alone so quickly. He asked if I am sure he is the father, I assured him he is- then he asked again. He asked me what I wanted from him and I told him I did not know but thought he had a right to know about the baby. I also told him that I had not decided what I was going to do yet, but that I was considering adoption. Then it got ugly. He got angry and accused me of lying about him being the father and of trying to blackmail him. He also kept raising the subject of abortion. He told me that if I got one he would “help out” but that if I didn’t then it was my choice and my responsibility. I told him that I have definitely decided to have the baby and abortion is not open to discussion. Obviously he did not react well. He ended the conversation by questioning whether he was the father and calling me some nasty names. Needless to say the conversation was not exactly positive, but I do feel better having made the effort. Clearly getting involved with this man was not a good decision on my part. I doubt he will voluntarily admit he is the father and I don’t think it is worth my time to establish it. Since I am having the baby in Japan I don’t think his attitude will matter much. It is usually take for granted that the mother will have the authority and responsibility of raising children after a divorce, I assume it is the same in case there was never a marriage.
Errol Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Please ask your doctor to give you a medical check list that you can forward to the father and ask then he complete it. It can even be done without his name appearing anywhere. Just to have a medical history for your child could prove very important. You can reassure the father that you want nothing else from him right now.
SoleMate Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 How awful that he turned this into an attack on you. You shouldn't worry about him contesting your rights to the child - that clearly is not in his mind. But I state again that I do feel your child-to-be has a moral right, as well as a legal right, to the acknowledgment of parenthood and the financial support of his progenitor. Please get a good lawyer and have him handle it. I don't really see huge value in a medical checklist, BTW. I doubt if he would fill that out anyway, since it appears to be an admission of paternity.
cdn Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 At the risk of being hopelessly un-pc, I think the child's interests -- not yours and not the father's -- are what need to come first. To this end, I believe that you and the father need to try to come to some agreement about your plans. I realize that this seems difficult, if not impossible, but it is too soon to give up on this, imo. I don't think it's fair for you to simply write off the father, nor for him to claim it is your responsibility alone. Babies are not created in isolation and if you are mature enough to have unprotected sex, then you need to be mature enough to discuss how to care for the life you've created, even if the answer is adoption. At some point, your child will have questions about his/her parentage and I don't think he/she will be well served by hearing that the father was not convinced of his paternity and you decided you would rather go it alone.
Author Mme Kie Posted August 28, 2005 Author Posted August 28, 2005 Test, Not long after my last posing I moved back to Japan to have the baby. My parents might have been disappointed in me, but they emotionally supported me. My baby was born last summer in Kobe. She was a beautiful girl who was adopted by a professor and his American wife who live in Japan. I know they will make good parents, they wanted to have children but had not been able to (they are now in their late 30s). Japanese child custody laws and traditions were very convenient for me- I did not have to name the father and the biological father had no real rights since the baby was illegitimate and he did not make a declaration of paternity before the adoption papers were signed. It would have been very difficult to get child support if I had decided to raise the baby, but this was not important to my situation. Since I did not need anything from the biological father I was happy to ignore him and leave his family in peace (I did not need his signiture on anything or any help from him, he had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, and I did not want to destroy his partner and thier children). My daughter's new mother had a different perspective. She contacted him wanting to get information from him and to give him a chance to know about his daughter. That process led to his partner finding out about our affair and the collapse of their relationship, which he blamed me for when he contacted me claiming he want to "talk." This spring I moved back to the US and finished my last semester of law school. I'm working as a lawyer for a software company. It is hard sometimes, but I have a strong family and good friends who have helped me through many of the difficulties I have faced. I have, whoever, resolved to avoid Barcelona. Kie
RecordProducer Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 I am just being curious here... How could you give up your own daughter? What was wrong with abortion when you were 2 months pregnant?
SoftDrink Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I am just being curious here... How could you give up your own daughter? What was wrong with abortion when you were 2 months pregnant? i am totally pro-choice, but why do you think it would have been better for her to abort "her own daughter" than to allow a healthy, happy couple who want children but can't to have the experience? anyone i have known who either aborted or opted for adoption did not think of the child as "my daughter or son" or even "my baby" but as "the pregnancy" or "the baby". maybe she's not pro-choice. some people don't believe in abortion, you know. i don't want a pro-life advocate telling me what to do anymore than they want me telling them what to do.
Author Mme Kie Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 We all have our own views on abortion. For RecordProducer the time frame is important, but for me it is not. I knew I could have had an abortion (legally), but I also knew that I could not have done it. More than that- I wanted to have my baby because I wanted to let her (though I didn't know it was a her yet when I made my decision) have a chance in life. My mother was adopted and so I have grown-up believing that adoption is an act of love. I would not have existed if my biological grandmother had decided to have an abortion instead of giving my mother up for adoption. Given my family history and my spiritual beliefs abortion was never an option for me- no matter what point I was in my pregnancy. I knew that I was not in a good place to have a baby. I could have paid for the child, but money is not the really important thing in raising a child. I would have been alone, still finishing school, working full time, and when I finished I would have been trying to care for her while working in a field that demands very long hours (and probably living in the US). In addition I was not in a very good mental place. Rather than me raising her I would have been paying childcare centre to raise my daughter for me while I worked 60-70 hours a week as a junior lawyer. My parents would have tried to help- if I stayed in Japan- but my mother is ill and my father works himself. I could have physically done it, but I believe she is better off with her adoptive parents. They love her and treasure her as much as i could have. Although I do feel a great sadness for having given her up, I also feel a great peace for knowing that she will have her chance in life and in some way I am a part of her life as well. Kie
LittleMiss Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Well, I think you are very strong to be able to do that for your baby. Most people are too selfish too give their children up for adoption when that is actually the most loving thing to do. I'm glad you didn't have an abortion and istead gave your child a better life with a good couple that will love her.
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Dear Kie, I completely understood your reasons and admire them. It was only a question, not an accusation whatsoever. I am a mother of two boys. When they were one year old I had an abortion and I never thought about the embryo that died in my womb afterwards. I was married at the time, but I didn't want anymore children with my ex-husband. Had I had the baby and given it for adoption, it would have killed me. But given your history, you cherish positive feelings for giving someone a chance to live. It indeed is very brave. My mom's comment was: "It's actually a great thing and very corageous of her that she went through pregnancy and labor just to give somebody life!" I just think I couldn't bear it emotionally. But I am happy that you are content with your decision. Your offspring has a nice home and parents thanks to you! Isn't that wonderful? You gave her the biggest present ever - life! Regarding abortion itself, I don't view the accidentally conceived embrio as a human. I don't go that far to see spermatozoids that end up in the condom as dead babies.
whyohwhy Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 Mme Kie, this is a bittersweet and happy ending to what began as a sad and painful story. A beautiful little girl has entered the world into the arms of two loving parents who will rear her, thanks to the mother who carried her for those nine months and did everything with the little girl's best interests in mind. I will pray earnestly that your pain will lessen and be replaced only with the peace, joy and thankfulness that you deserve. "The Former Solemate"
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