JaneInVegas Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 My SO and I have had our fair share of rough spots in our 2 year relationship. He's a very good, decent man that treats me like a princess. Just to give you an idea, here's what he does daily: Gets up earlier than me to have time to make his and her pots of coffee (we don't like each other's brands) and to pack a lunch for me to take to work. Cooks dinner almost every night, and takes me out when he doesn't feel like it , I suck at cooking and he'd rather fix dinner himself, he enjoys it, it's something I've never been able to change about him, and I always clean up afterwards Jumps in and does housework while I'm already working on it, sometimes I actually have to good naturedly "yell" at him to stop, he needs to relax for awhile. He has to stand for 8 hours at his job ... I sit. He already does enough for me as it is. Calls me every single day on his lunch break, even if it's just for 30 seconds because he's short on time He's extremely responsible - excellent about money and walks a good fine line between generous and frugal - and every single time something needs fixed around the house he fixes it immediately, none of this "After the game, honey!" which for most men usually turns into days, weeks, or even months. So you're asking, what the heck is the problem? Well, there's several. He rarely says 'I love you' to me. He rarely reaches out to give me a hug, and sometimes I get the feeling he makes it a point to not touch me at all. He used to love to cuddle in bed with me, but now I mostly just stare at his back. Daily sex turned into three times in 2 months. I feel empty a lot of the time. I think about other relationships and how much my friends envy the deep stability and responsibility my SO provides me. He's an excellent catch on a lot of levels. But is it enough? What inspired me to write this post is something that happened last week. The day before my birthday I had to have a minor procedure to remove skin cancer from my waist. I'm fine and the cancer is GONE but I was scared to death. Of course he came with me, but he sat in the corner almost the whole time, even though the doctor offered for him to stand beside me. While she was sewing me up he finally came over and stood beside me, and I held out my hand to him, I really needed him to hold my hand. He just stood there watching the doctor, and the MA laughed and said, "She's asking to hold your hand!" He put both his hands in his pockets and shoved his elbow towards me as though to say, "Here, hold my elbow." It hurt my feelings a LOT. Is this the price to pay for the elusive "good one"? Am I asking for too much? Over the past 3 months I've talked with him about this at least 5 different times, and he always denies ignoring my emotional needs, like he knows how I feel better than I do! The talk always ends with a nice hug, and an "I love you", but the very next day is right back to Square One again, like the talk never even happened. I feel like I finally got a man that will take good care of me for the rest of my life, but I'm going to be lonely every day as part of the price.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I suppose with your partner its that, in some ways, he is perfect. He is helpful, considerate, generous and equal with you in all practical matters. BUT in other ways he is lacking. In the ways you crave; passion and affection. He is not a balanced man. That is, he meets all of your practical needs but not necessarily your emotional ones. You say you have tried to discuss this with him and it has not warranted any results. Are you affectionate with your husband often? Is he a cold person, or simply unaffectionate? For example my dad HATES hugs but i've realised this doesn't mean he doesn't love us - he just hates physical contact.
LonelyTiger Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Buy the book 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman and read it together. It may help you to understand each other better. It seems to me that his way of showing love is not compatible with your needs. For you to 'feel' loved you need him to be more physical with you. However wonderful he may be in other ways, if he can't or won't give you what you need you will have to decide whether he is the right man for you. Which do you value more - being 'taken care of' for the rest of your life, or sharing intimacy, passion and romance with an affectionate man who makes you feel loved, cherished and adored?
Luv2dance Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I feel like I finally got a man that will take good care of me for the rest of my life, but I'm going to be lonely every day as part of the price This line here says a lot to me...I think you really have to decide what is most important to you in a relationship and what you are willing to sacrifice. I don't think it is too much to ask to have some physical/emotional connection with your SO. Doesn't really matter HOW good a catch he is if you are left feeling lonely. The Five Love languages is a great place to start if you can get him to recognize the problem. Has he always been this way or has it changed lately?
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It seems he loves you, cares for you but is emotionally distant, even detached. He shows you he loves you by doing things for you to make you happy but isn't showing intimacy. So you're asking, what the heck is the problem? Well, there's several. He rarely says 'I love you' to me. He rarely reaches out to give me a hug, and sometimes I get the feeling he makes it a point to not touch me at all. He used to love to cuddle in bed with me, but now I mostly just stare at his back. Daily sex turned into three times in 2 months. I feel empty a lot of the time. I think about other relationships and how much my friends envy the deep stability and responsibility my SO provides me. He's an excellent catch on a lot of levels. But is it enough? Tell him this exactly. And, let him know that you DO love him but aren't willing to live life like this for another 10, 20, 30 years...That he has to be more emotionally involved and show more affection. Does he reject you if you hold his hand first? Or give him a hug? Does he hug or kiss you back?
LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Men don't learn fast. Sounds to me like your guy is doing what he does best. You need to teach him new skills to go with the skills you already appreciate. There's a big difference between a slow learner and a "distant" husband. The love languages book is excellent. Check it out.
giotto Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 he obviously has problem in expressing his emotions/is emotionally challenged... is he really always this bad? I don't think you'll be able to change him on your own... so, if that side of your relationship is very important to you, I would suggest you both go to MC... otherwise I can see you growing very resentful of him in the long term... despite his other qualities...
troggleputty Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Jane: I don't think you have to accept "either/or." Many men are EXTREMELY emotionally repressed (probably due to upbringing/family of origin issues). Your h for example, may have had an emotionally unexpressive father--this is not uncommon. So, your h might never have been habituated to be able to properly express his emotions. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel them inside. He cannot let them out though. Sometimes in a relationship everything is NOT "50-50." Sometimes one of the partners has to take 100% or 150% of the burden of an issue. Maybe for quite a while if the issue is to be resolved. He doesn't sound like he has the ability to break down his emotional/intimacy walls "from the inside." If so, that means you are going to have to bash them down for him, "from the outside." And keep bashing them down until he starts to get the point. So, you consistently tell him you love him, many times a day. AND, each time you tell him, you ALSO say: "Now tell me you love me." And if he asks why, you say: "Because I like to hear you say it and it makes me happy." And each time you say it you give him a big hug and a kiss. He needs to be taught how to express love the way you need him to express it. You are his teacher. Good luck.
Luv2dance Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 So, you consistently tell him you love him, many times a day. AND, each time you tell him, you ALSO say: "Now tell me you love me." And if he asks why, you say: "Because I like to hear you say it and it makes me happy." And each time you say it you give him a big hug and a kiss. Are you serious?? This would make me feel like I was being treated like a child! And if I hear it many times a day it is just irritating after a while, but maybe that's just me.
2sunny Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 i think you are incompatible in the area of vulnerability and compassion. was he this emotionally detached as a kid? he may be using it as a coping method if he's afraid he may get hurt. lack of intimacy is at the forefront of my mind.
2sunny Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 is this the same guy that is emotionally connected with someone else? looking back at your history - that explains more as to why he's not emotionally and physically connected to you. why settle? just to have a handyman around? convenience? i don't get why this would be enough... he doesn't talk, cuddle you are try to be present emotionally - even in times of need or crisis? that's an empty man - or absent at best... that would not be enough for me. why is this adequate for you?
Author JaneInVegas Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Wow, thanks for all the responses everyone! I just went on Amazon and ordered that book everyone suggested, and paid extra for expediated shipping. Nikki: Are you affectionate with your husband often? Is he a cold person, or simply unaffectionate? For example my dad HATES hugs but i've realised this doesn't mean he doesn't love us - he just hates physical contact. Yeah, I de-ice him at least once a day. He used to really enjoy physical contact, and we'd spend a long time every night in bed just touching and cuddling. That seems like a long, long time ago. These days if I touch him he'll break contact in less than 2 seconds, and RARELY touches me first. Lonely Tiger: Which do you value more - being 'taken care of' for the rest of your life, or sharing intimacy, passion and romance with an affectionate man who makes you feel loved, cherished and adored? I don't know ... sigh ... I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm leaning towards the affection, though. WhichWayIsUp: Tell him this exactly. And, let him know that you DO love him but aren't willing to live life like this for another 10, 20, 30 years...That he has to be more emotionally involved and show more affection. Does he reject you if you hold his hand first? Or give him a hug? Does he hug or kiss you back? Actually, I've told him all these things numerous times. He just doesn't 'get it'. He won't always pull away from me, but he does break contact rather quickly, like he doesn't like it. He used to LOVE it. It's very confusing to me. 2sunny i think you are incompatible in the area of vulnerability and compassion. was he this emotionally detached as a kid? he may be using it as a coping method if he's afraid he may get hurt. lack of intimacy is at the forefront of my mind. I don't know if he was emotionally detached as a kid or not, but he's somewhat of a 'momma's boy' and to this day she tends to give him a lot more attention and affection than his siblings. One of my friends suggested maybe he's burned out from the overkill? I dunno.
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