blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I'm feeling blah today. Angry, resentful, bitter. My mother watched my son while I went to church. It was full of families. I was alone. A divorced man with two boys sat next to me and hit on me. I was not flattered. It was during the service. I called my ex after church to see if he was around that side of town (most of his friends live in the area) so I could get my house key from him, finally, please Lord, I've asked him four times now. I don't want to be pushy, I have to just keep it light with him because otherwise I get angry and we argue. I am perfecting the art of smiling sweetly while saying "Screw you!" behind my teeth. He was binging again, I can tell, because that is the only time he turns off his cellphone. He is one of those people who feels naked without his cellphone, he even leaves it on at night. But when he's drinking for 24 hours straight, or doing other substances, he will always turn off his phone. I guess he doesn't want to be reminded of the real world. I also know because I saw him yesterday, he took our son for lunch (and forgot to feed him lunch ) and when he dropped him off he was...antsy. I know that look. I used to dread it, hate it, scream and yell and nag and bitch and cry about it. Secretly, I guess I wanted to see if he was doing well. Going to church, maybe, or spending the day with family because I know his family is close knit to a certain degree. His mother is a witch to me now that he son has been foisted back on her, though, so she and I don't talk anymore. I thought maybe our son could see his paternal grandparents for an hour or two, even. I want him to do well for himself. Be happy, live a healthy life, do right for his children who love him so much. Even if we can't be together, he should be able to get it together for them!! I cried on the way to pick up my son from my mom's house. Not the waterworks like I used to when we were together, just a few tears. I've let him go now. I can't allow him to have that hold over me. Still, part of me wonders why I wasn't enough. Never enough. But I know, his exwife wasn't enough, and she's still a raging alcoholic too. And his son from his previous marriage wasn't enough, to inspire him to stay sober. And I wasn't. And our son isn't, now. No one is.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Sending good vibes your way blind_otter, for feeling sad and hurt. Intellectually, you know that this has nothing to do with you or anyone else being enough or good enough. His mistress is substance abuse, a mistress that embraces him so overwhelmingly that reality becomes fantasy and fantasy becomes reality. Do you wonder if he woos death? Is this the difference between addicts that dry out and ones that don't?
Author blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I think so, and it worries me. He gets so desperate. I know that feeling - it is a scary point that you can allow yourself to get to if you lack self discipline. That's pretty much the whole thing, I think. You know, I saw this thing about van Gogh on TV the other day. I just saw the end, about his death. His last painting, of an empty field with crows flying over it - and how he walked out into a field just like that and shot himself in the chest. And he survived, for 2 days. Walked back to an inn. Died there saying "the sadness lasts forever" in french. It's all so melodramatic and depressing. The worst part is, I feel guilty for doing so much better without him. I wistfully wish we could have done better together. But no matter how hard I tried, it was like I was in quicksand. And I'm pretty imaginative and resourceful, so I stayed afloat for a good 3 years or so. But life is so much less exhausting now, even though I'm a single mother with a toddler.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Van Gogh is a classic example of someone who's so entrenched in "feeling" that what he felt, he was able to make everyone feel through his art. And yet when you're so focused in feeling, with no boundaries for self-preservation and emotional/intellectual balance, you destroy yourself with feeling when those feelings are entrenched in negativity. Did you know that it's been theorized that Van Gogh self-medicated with his addiction to absinthe?
Author blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I wouldn't be surprised. It seems like there is a certain sort, more men than women in my opinion, who feel driven to numb themselves with a damaging and painful anesthetic. Almost like, when men commit suicide they are much more likely to use a gun and shoot themselves in the face or whatever, whereas women are more likely to overdose. There is a masochistic component to it. And those who are unfortunate enough to care about these individuals are forced to witness this slow demise through self mortification. It's the passive aggressive way to kill yourself. It is taking a lot of strength for me to disentagle myself. There is the complusive component of my addictive tendencies inside me still, I feel this grasping needy part inside me wanting him, or someone, or anyone. I know I've made progress because I can see this going on now with a certain amused detachment. At least part of me is detached. There is still a little bit left inside me that mourns, though. I have to honor that, too....
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 There is still a little bit left inside me that mourns, though. I have to honor that, too....You have every right to mourn the loss of love, to mourn the waste of a man who might otherwise have been amazing. It hurts, you bleed. This is love, compassion and caring. I guess I'm trying to prevent the internalizing of being "enough" to fix, internalizing that he didn't love you or your son enough to fix himself. You know it had nothing to do with either yourself or your son. People who are self-destructive are like emotional terrorists, bombs strapped on them, waiting to press the detonator button. The scars and death left on the innocent people who get close to them, are horrendous and inhuman. Don't internalize his jihad.
Author blind_otter Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Bless you and thank you for communicating with me about this. I try to be strong, but I do hurt. It has nothing to do with me, but damn it all - it always seems like when people aren't trying to hurt me, they end up hurting me worse. Because I am so strong, so defiant - if you are overtly trying to hurt me I will fight back like a wildcat. But when I have my defenses down, I get blown to bits. I can only hope that I will find most of the pieces, and somehow use what I have now, to fashion replacement parts and fix up what was broken inside of me.
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