She asked me for space...i'm hurting bad (WOMEN'S INSIGHT APPRECIATED)

[ElQuebrado]

Hello everyone---this is a follow up from a thread I posted a while ago. I'll get right to it, and then I can answer any questions u may have.

 

This is an email she sent me on Saturday:

 

Look about yesterday, ive been thinking alot and honestly i dont know what i want i am going to be real with you i was very upset yesterday (last nite) especially cause i was tired and all you wanted to do was talk after you were sleeping. i didnt appreciate the fact that you didnt respect me or atleast i felt disrespected in my own home.

 

things like this make me think alot and i am having so many thoughts come accross me that i need you to give me time to think things clearly to make a decision on what it is that i want to do. i know youve said many times that you dont go backwards and thats why i need my time to think and come to a decision with what i want.

 

I also have my doubts i dont know if i can give you what you want/need. U ask why i am still here and i told you i do have feelings for you and thats whats holding me but ive noticed that so many things that i am use to are making it hard for me very hard for me. you say you know what you want and youve made that decision, but i cant say the same thing and its wrong for me but like i said its taking me so much time to get use to this.

 

people told me that this would happen because i am so use to being on my own and independent that its going to be hard and trust me i am struggling very much with this that i just feel like giving up already. and that brings me down thats why i am asking you give me time to see if i can come up with a decision.

 

i dont know if well hook up tomorrow i need to clear my head and i really hope u understand. again i apologize if ive hurt you in anyway but i am trying to make things rite for us. and see whats best for us. ok i am going to bed now. talk to you soon.

 

xoxoxoxoxo

 

(her name here)

 

I replied that i was sorry for disrespecting her, and that she could take all the time she needed.

 

The next day she texted me and said, "thank you for being understanding. Hope you have a good day"

 

I replied "same to you---thanks for writing"

 

Abt 5 hours passed, and I put her on NC. She then texted me and said:

 

Thank u for giving me the space/time that i need 2 think. I appreciate it very much. Hope ur having a good day.

 

I replied that she was welcome and worth it, that i was sorry for not respecting her, and that I hoped she was having a good day too.

 

She replied that her day was ok, nothing exciting. That was 3:30pm yesterday. About 5:30 she wrote to me on my Tagged page and said:

 

thanks again for being patient with me i appreciate it. i know you will probably get tired of me and i dont blame you. but trust me i am trying to work with my issues but like i said its very hard i just need some time to decide on what i want. thanks again

 

hope you have a good day

 

I replied that I would not get tired of her, that I was working hard on my issue too, and that I hoped she was having a good day too. It's Sunday mornign now and I havent heard anything back. I went on my Tagged page and saw that she visited my page about midnight or so yesterday, although she didn't leave a message or anything.

 

My question is: What do I do now. I would love to hear from women who have been thru this, or women's points of view. I love her so much---I don't want to lose her.

 

Thanks again

[Lizzie60]

To be honest with you.. I don't think you got much choice here.. you need to respect her decision to work on her issues..

 

What else can you do? nothing.. just be patient..

[GrayClouds]

It sound like she is generally emotional distant person. The best think you can do now, and it goes against all your instincts it to focus on yourself and leaving her alone. I would tell her please do not contact unless she is ready for a committed, emotional available realtionship and then go complete NC. As long as you are moving towards her she does not have to come to you. Read the following and do all that it says.

 

So you want a second chance?

 

People in love does not have to think about it. Probably time for you to move on.

[ElQuebrado]

To be honest with you.. I don't think you got much choice here.. you need to respect her decision to work on her issues..

 

What else can you do? nothing.. just be patient..

 

You're right of course. I'm afraid that she's going to never come back. But as you said..what else can I do?

[ElQuebrado]

It sound like she is generally emotional distant person. The best think you can do now, and it goes against all your instincts it to focus on yourself and leaving her alone. I would tell her please do not contact unless she is ready for a committed, emotional available realtionship and then go complete NC. As long as you are moving towards her she does not have to come to you. Read the following and do all that it says.

 

So you want a second chance?

 

People in love does not have to think about it. Probably time for you to move on.

 

She doesn't respond favorably to ultimatums. What do you make of her thanking me for my patience and her saying " I know you'll probably get tired of me and I don't blame you"?

 

I'll check out that link too...thanks

[LucreziaBorgia]

People don't ask for space to figure out if they love you. They ask for space to figure out why they don't anymore.

 

She is on the way out. She still has some feelings for you, but not a sufficient amount or the right sort of feelings to stay in a relationship with you. It is painful to hurt someone you care about, but it is more painful to stay with someone you are no longer in love with. She is trying to decide whether to follow her feelings or spare yours. Not an easy choice, but with time she will choose her own feelings and break off completely.

 

Most people do, in the end.

[ElQuebrado]

People don't ask for space to figure out if they love you. They ask for space to figure out why they don't anymore.

 

She is on the way out. She still has some feelings for you, but not a sufficient amount or the right sort of feelings to stay in a relationship with you. It is painful to hurt someone you care about, but it is more painful to stay with someone you are no longer in love with. She is trying to decide whether to follow her feelings or spare yours. Not an easy choice, but with time she will choose her own feelings and break off completely.

 

Most people do, in the end.

 

I always read your posts..they are full of hard-hitting wisdom. Thanks for replying. If what you say is true, what do you make of her thanking me for being patient with her? Why would she bother to do that? Wouldn't it be easier to simply not say anything at all (since she asked me for space)? And what do you make of her statement:

 

"thanks again for being patient with me i appreciate it. i know you will probably get tired of me and i dont blame you." ?

[spriggig]

Maybe it will help you to read her answer after your question:

 

If what you say is true, what do you make of her thanking me for being patient with her? Why would she bother to do that?

 

It is painful to hurt someone you care about, but it is more painful to stay with someone you are no longer in love with. She is trying to decide whether to follow her feelings or spare yours.

 

She is just trying to spare your feelings.

[ADF]

I wish I could say something comforting or encouraging, but the truth is, there are no "breaks" in relationships. The request for a "break" is just step one of an eventual break up. Your GF may think she's being merciful by breaking the this to you slowly. Or, more likely, she's just trying to make breaking up with you as easy as possible on herself. But I don't see this ending with a reconciliation. I hope I am wrong. But someone should prepare you for the possibility that this is the end.

[Ninita]

Ok, this might be a bit late for you but I've been in her situation (I think at least, sounds familiar) and I disagree that there's nothing you can do. I find it really hard when guys want more commitment than I do (yes that happens a lot, at least in my case, so not sure it's us girls wanting to get married more often!) and I react just in the way that she has, now just judging from the letter she wrote to you (didn't read your earlier posts). When that happens, I tend to ask for space and disappear for a while. I've realised that I do that to find out if the guy respects my boundaries and needs. I do often feel guilty and so I write stuff like "thank you for being so understanding" etc.

What to do in this case? I'd say, complete NC, meaning, if she writes to you don't write back. It's not NC if you do!!! (Like you said you did). She asked for space, respect that, give it to her. Show her you are independent and can live without her. There's nothing sexier, in my mind, than a guy with enough self-respect and self-discipline to back off even when he wants you madly, when he senses that you are rocking the boat.

In fact, that has made me go back to a guy, who I'd given up on, thinking that he didn't have enough self-respect, and how he handled me backing off made me change my mind about him.

NC is great too in case you do end up breaking up because it will help you start healing quicker. Plus you keep your dignity intact.

[ElQuebrado]

Ok, this might be a bit late for you but I've been in her situation (I think at least, sounds familiar) and I disagree that there's nothing you can do. I find it really hard when guys want more commitment than I do (yes that happens a lot, at least in my case, so not sure it's us girls wanting to get married more often!) and I react just in the way that she has, now just judging from the letter she wrote to you (didn't read your earlier posts). When that happens, I tend to ask for space and disappear for a while. I've realised that I do that to find out if the guy respects my boundaries and needs. I do often feel guilty and so I write stuff like "thank you for being so understanding" etc.

What to do in this case? I'd say, complete NC, meaning, if she writes to you don't write back. It's not NC if you do!!! (Like you said you did). She asked for space, respect that, give it to her. Show her you are independent and can live without her. There's nothing sexier, in my mind, than a guy with enough self-respect and self-discipline to back off even when he wants you madly, when he senses that you are rocking the boat.

In fact, that has made me go back to a guy, who I'd given up on, thinking that he didn't have enough self-respect, and how he handled me backing off made me change my mind about him.

NC is great too in case you do end up breaking up because it will help you start healing quicker. Plus you keep your dignity intact.

 

i appreciate all of your responses. Here is an update:

 

She sent me a text that said happy easter enjoy ur day. I replied for her to do the same. She said thanks, and i asked her how she was doin. she said she was ok and how was i?

 

i said i was doin well, thinking alot and hopin for the best. She said she was thinking about alot too. I replied that i didnt know wat was gonna happen but i was hopin to see her smile again. I told her that she could have all the space she needed, that i wudnt get tired of her and that i still love her and her daughter.

 

She said thanks, that shes sure we'll be ok she just needs time to know for sure what she wants and what i need 2 make this work.

 

i told her i understood and that i had been thinking abt all the things she ever asked me and that i was changing and that she was worth it.

 

she said she has alot of things to change too. I replied that shes a great woman who has been thru alot, that she deserves a man's best, and that i wud do everything i cud to be that man. I ended by saying i truly appreciated her place in my life.

 

Havnt heard back yet (abt 1 hour)

 

what do u make of this?

[wanderingsoul]

ElQuebrado, I was in your situation three months ago. I agree with ninita and lucrezia. In my case, I did contact her while we were taking a break, which irritated her to no end and while she did come back after several days of NC saying that she missed me, ultimately a month later she broke it off. I am still coming to grips with this reality, and in all honesty I think you need to start preparing emotionally for a break up and start taking care of yourself first and foremost.

[confused and broken]

It sounds like she has been hurt and has trust issues... she is scared of commitment...

I think that there is lots of hope if you are really patient with her and prove you are not going to hurt her

You also need to make sure there are no deal breakers (if that makes sense)

Her letter doesn't really make sense to me... I don't get what you did to disrespect her in her home?? Anyways whatever it is it really pissed her off but I think there is a much deeper issue behind it....

Don't give up yet but don't let her string you along forever

remember you deserve the best too

[GrayClouds]

She doesn't respond favorably to ultimatums. What do you make of her thanking me for my patience and her saying " I know you'll probably get tired of me and I don't blame you"?

 

I'll check out that link too...thanks

 

That is not an ultimatum, it is establishing boundaries and communicating your exceptions. It takes you from being in passive position to asserting what you need. It does feel instinctively wrong and is very difficult to do when everything in you is saying you will do about anything to get them back. She communicated her needs, "space", and it is far for you to do the same.

 

What I make of her statement is she wants you to do the break-up. That way she does not have to feel bad about hurting you.

 

Good luck.

[linwood]

 

My question is: What do I do now. I would love to hear from women who have been thru this, or women's points of view. I love her so much---I don't want to lose her.

 

Thanks again

 

 

I`m not a woman but I think you should stop replying.

 

Go no contact.

[threebyfate]

Straight up, she truly sucks at communicating. She uses 4 billion useless words to say nothing. Okay, we get that she's confused. Duh...

 

And yes, I tried to read her communications in your first thread and found my eyes wandering.

 

If I were you, I would run away. Ambiguity, combined with so much navel-gazing/self-centeredness, is a terrible combination for a partner within a mature relationship. She's got so many problems that stem from her father's controlling ways and the inability of her mother to assert herself.

 

Also, I see you're some kind of psych major. Step back from your personal feelings and seriously look at her actions rather than her attractiveness. Do you want a partner or a non-paying patient to fix?

[Lizzie60]

If she text you again.. just tell her that you'll be patient.. and she can take all the time she needs.. and you want her to contact you ONLY once she knows where she's going...

 

Let me tell you that she'll probably do a 180... she knows you're there, patiently waiting for her.. and she's texting probably to check on you...

 

Ignore her..

 

One more thought.. he might be 'buying' some time.. she might be torn between you and someone else.. and she's checking the grass on the other side of the fence... (I could be wrong.. but it feels like that)..

[ElQuebrado]

Straight up, she truly sucks at communicating. She uses 4 billion useless words to say nothing. Okay, we get that she's confused. Duh...

 

And yes, I tried to read her communications in your first thread and found my eyes wandering.

 

If I were you, I would run away. Ambiguity, combined with so much navel-gazing/self-centeredness, is a terrible combination for a partner within a mature relationship. She's got so many problems that stem from her father's controlling ways and the inability of her mother to assert herself.

 

Also, I see you're some kind of psych major. Step back from your personal feelings and seriously look at her actions rather than her attractiveness. Do you want a partner or a non-paying patient to fix?

 

How did u know that her father and mother are like that? And how did u know i'm into pshychology? That's dead-on. Her father is TOTALLY controlling of her mother---she can't move without his approval. She used to tell me that she promised herself no man would ever treat her and her daughter that way.

 

As for the disrespect thing, that night she mentions is when we had been chillin for a while and both fell asleep on the couch. I was dog tired and wanted to chill there for the night. She refused, citing the same old adage that her daughter would ask to many questions (although on New Years Eve i was totally drunk and passed out on the bed and when I woke up the next day both her and her daughter were sleeping next to me).

 

Her daughter is in love with me, even calls me daddy sometimes. She said I could rest but she was going to watch TV. I asked her why couldn't she just spend those last few minutes chillin with me---and she became agitated. Finally i just left. She began texting me saying how sorry she was and please b safe.

[ElQuebrado]

Let me tell you that she'll probably do a 180... she knows you're there, patiently waiting for her.. and she's texting probably to check on you...

 

Ignore her..

 

 

 

Can u explain this a bit more? And what are the benefits of ignoring her?

[Lizzie60]

Can u explain this a bit more? And what are the benefits of ignoring her?

 

I meant to ignore her ONCE you told her that she needs to take her time and figure out what she wants to do.. stay OR leave.. she can't manipulate you like a puppet as long as SHE wants.. you got to set a limit.. then once you tell her that.. you ignore her if she keeps texting you.

 

Methink she is manipulating you.. she probably knows she can...

I get the feeling that you are checking your email account every 5 minutes.. and once she texts you.. your answer is sent within 2 minutes..

[ElQuebrado]

Methink she is manipulating you.. she probably knows she can...

I get the feeling that you are checking your email account every 5 minutes.. and once she texts you.. your answer is sent within 2 minutes..

 

 

lol---its more like every 2 min. No, I'm trying to stay distracted, but it's very difficult. I just wish she would communicate with me. Things used to be so different. She used to say how i was different than any man she had ever met. Let me share with you an email she sent just last week--yes, that recent:

 

Hi Sweety,

 

Im sorry to hear abt u and ur mom i really hope that things get better. Im sure the ex will get back to u. if u dont hear from her tomorrow then give her a call or call your daughter atleast im sure youll get through to her.

 

I do want to apologize for the way ive been actng but u know how i get while im pms'ng and i thank you for giving me my space. i really wish i didnt have it bad like i do but instead of being here and me being bad company id rather not be with anyone. i went by the theatre but they dont have the movie there so i went home.

 

i did go to the store to get me a shirt for tomorrow and to get my frnd her gift and trust me i wasnt really nice i had attitude with the cashiers etc im just not good company when im like this lol. again i apologize we will hang out soon. hopefully my mood will go away soon. like i said i am going to this party tomorrow bcause its a close frnd and shed be upset if i dont go but well c how it goes lol i hope i dont snap at people at the party lol.

 

ive been thinking abt what you said you giving 100% and me 30% i wouldnt put it at 30% its more like 60 lol i know its messed up but you know what weve been through and the walls i put up and maybe its that i dont know why i put those walls up trust me its very hard for me to get use to the boyfriend girlfriend thing and i am trying i know its not fair to you so if you want to slow it down on your part for a little bit i understand

 

trust me i am trying just things are hard to get use to and i feel sometimes that i cant give you what you want and what you need so just give me time and if you feel that you cant do that and u want to step i understand. i know you are gng through alot and you dont need me to add stress to your life. but again i will keep tryng my best to atleast compromise wit u but remember it goes both ways but again

 

i do feel sometimes that your being pushy and i dont like that again i thank you for being patient i hope you have fun with your babies tomorrow and enjoy the rest of the wknd ok.

 

 

love ya

 

besos

 

tu bebe me

[threebyfate]

How did u know that her father and mother are like that? And how did u know i'm into pshychology? That's dead-on. Her father is TOTALLY controlling of her mother---she can't move without his approval. She used to tell me that she promised herself no man would ever treat her and her daughter that way.

Refer to your profile and also, to your first thread.

 

As for the disrespect thing, that night she mentions is when we had been chillin for a while and both fell asleep on the couch. I was dog tired and wanted to chill there for the night. She refused, citing the same old adage that her daughter would ask to many questions (although on New Years Eve i was totally drunk and passed out on the bed and when I woke up the next day both her and her daughter were sleeping next to me).

 

Her daughter is in love with me, even calls me daddy sometimes. She said I could rest but she was going to watch TV. I asked her why couldn't she just spend those last few minutes chillin with me---and she became agitated. Finally i just left. She began texting me saying how sorry she was and please b safe.

Do you see how she dysfunctionally interprets your actions as controlling and disrespectful? This is an over-reaction.

 

I'm also guessing she's threatened by your relationship with her daughter.

 

Step back from your emotions. Put your mind into analyzing her as a patient.

[ElQuebrado]

Refer to your profile and also, to your first thread.

 

Do you see how she dysfunctionally interprets your actions as controlling and disrespectful? This is an over-reaction.

 

I'm also guessing she's threatened by your relationship with her daughter.

 

Step back from your emotions. Put your mind into analyzing her as a patient.

 

Ive been ignoring what I see clinically because i KNOW shes dsyfunctional, but I do love her very much. I've also been diagnosed with OCD, and sometimes it's just HARD to let go, you know?

 

Everyone, if it's easier to commnicate, btw, please add me to your messenger:

 

elquebrado at yahoo dot com

[dazzle22]

Wow, Threebyfate is quite the Sherlock!! (IMpressed!!).

 

You two are the perfect dance partners, the yin and yang of both sides of her dysfunction related to a controlling father and passive mother. She HAD to pick someone who strikes her as controlling (note, I didn't say you were, but she perceives you are), in order to repeat the familiarity of her family of origin and continue to explore this issue. Like children playing house with dolls - ever watched that? Good way to find out what is going on in the home, they ACT it all out...as a way of getting control and mastery of it.

 

She is falling into the role of RESISTER, and you are falling into the complementary role of PERSUADER. Back way way off here. It will throw you both out of your comfort zones, but somebody needs to stop this dance of dysfunction..

[LucreziaBorgia]

And what do you make of her statement:

 

"thanks again for being patient with me i appreciate it. i know you will probably get tired of me and i dont blame you." ?

 

She cares for you as a person, and is glad that you aren't hassling her and appreciates it. She is basically saying that she understands if you get tired of waiting around (sort of a way of saying that it is ok if you get tired of it and walk away). Also wording it this way keeps you sympathetic toward her, and that helps keep the breakup from being too nasty.