HeartbrokenK Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I re-read through a bunch of my old posts, and I noticed a trend. People keep telling me that I should be directing my anger at my H, not the OW. I'm finding this incredibly difficult. I know it's all his fault. But she was a friend, I liked her, I respected her, I wanted to be more like her. She is one of his work colleagues (they work in a huge place and he transferred to a different area & shift - she's gone before he gets there. But I'm still making him look for a new job.) Before they started their A, I had spent time with her & her kids, I thought that given more time we would become very good friends. Then BOOM, one night I my husband sucking on her neck, in her car, in the middle of the night, with her pants half off. She knew damn well he was married, she was at our ******* wedding. Does she not deserve a little anger too? And if I'm wrong about this, how do I stop the hatred towards her? I'm not acting on it, but it's still there. How do I direct it where it belongs?
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 You have every right to be angry at the OW, even more so since she was a friend of yours. Yes, the anger should be directed at your husband as well, since he is the one who you are married to, but she was your friend, and should have not crossed that line with your H. Obviously she doesn't care, she was only thinking of herself, though so was your H, only thinking of himself. Be pissed at both of them, but just know that HE is the one who made the vows, the committment to you. Think about seeking counselling to help you cope with this, and keep posting. Sorry you're hurting.
Spark1111 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 It IS okay to have anger towards anyone that you perceive betrayed you! I do not think it is something you can control or deny or suppress, or should even try to at this point. In time, it will subside and you will be able to better process what has happened to you. Those of us who cannot even fathom committing infidelity are often outraged not only at the offending spouse, but at the OW/OM who knowingly engaged in the infidelity. So much more painful if they were a friend or acquaintance or knew the couple of family more intimately. LS boards are filled with BSs wanting to know the motivations of someone who knowingly has sex with a married person. Get to counseling please, to help yourself heal from this trauma.
Fouts Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Why shouldn't you feel anger and hatred towards her? It takes two, it wasn't a mannequin's panties that he was sticking his hand under. Like whichwayisup said, he's the one who made a promise to you, not her. Just be careful whom you get friendly with in life and let get close to you and your family, true friends are as rare as a good husband or wife.
bittersweet memories Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I re-read through a bunch of my old posts, and I noticed a trend. People keep telling me that I should be directing my anger at my H, not the OW. I'm finding this incredibly difficult. I know it's all his fault. But she was a friend, I liked her, I respected her, I wanted to be more like her. She is one of his work colleagues (they work in a huge place and he transferred to a different area & shift - she's gone before he gets there. But I'm still making him look for a new job.) Before they started their A, I had spent time with her & her kids, I thought that given more time we would become very good friends. Then BOOM, one night I my husband sucking on her neck, in her car, in the middle of the night, with her pants half off. She knew damn well he was married, she was at our ******* wedding. Does she not deserve a little anger too? And if I'm wrong about this, how do I stop the hatred towards her? I'm not acting on it, but it's still there. How do I direct it where it belongs? Absolutely you should feel angry and her..she was your friend. But your anger should be more directed and your husband. May I ask, why did you give him a second chance? Do you have children with him?
PhoenixRise Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Honey, you are a woman, and as such, you can multitask. Be pi$$ed off at them both. Direct your anger towards her AND direct your anger towards him. I didn't go back to read your old posts but I would say there is a problem if you are ONLY angry at the OW and giving your H a pass. Feel what you feel.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I dont think anyone would disagree that anger isn't the appropriate emotion when one is betrayed by someone close. You are normal; however, refusing to let go of the anger well after it's time to move on can be unhealthy. Obviosly severing all ties with that OW is a given, but 100% of the blame belongs with your H. He promised you and God on that alter to be faithful to you. She took no such vow with you. Do those vows mean one is no longer tempted? Hell no; all if us will be face to face with one temptation or another before we leave this earth. To give in to it, or to walk away is a CHOICE. Both your H and your friend were vulnerable to affairs. If it wasn't your former friend ascthe OW, it would have been someone else, so long as the circumstances were similar. Whether the factors that contributed reside within them personally or within the marriages is only relevant if it's your plan to reconcile with your H. If that's the case, MC may help in a big way - certainly if his cheating was/is a symptom of something fixable w/in your M. Your former friend clearly isn't a friend; but WAY over and above any anger you have towards her, your H chose to act in ways that may very well lead to the end of your M together. He chose it. If the OW was propositioning him all day long, all that proves is the obvious - she is not a friend and should be written off. Your H giving in, or choosing to be the aggressor (perhaps), attracts all blame as it relates to the damage caused to your M. To move on, whether you stay or go will require you to let go of your anger. If you seek a good counselor, you'll learn that. Good luck.
canyoubelievethis Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 you have ever right to be angry and you should!
bentnotbroken Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I think your anger and who it is directed at depends on the situation and the relationship. She was your friend, she DID betray you. I am not of the school of thought that AP aren't to as much to blame as the WS....I believe they are equally responsible. If the AP knew that the WS was married, then they are equally to blame. In the your case you knew her and respected her. She knew you and your family. I can relate to parts of this. I knew OW and her family and she mine. We weren't friends just associated with a lot of the same people. She is as much to blame as Mr. Messy was. She could have said no at any point and respected me, my children, her family and herself. She made the choice not to. We all make decisions that we have to be responsible for the consequences. She helped to destroy what was left of a marriage and she helped to destroy a family of four and turned it into a family of 3. She helped to shake that my children had in their father and the image that they had of him. By the same token Mr. Messy helped to destroy what was left of her family. He helped to change the dynamics of her family and helped change the image that her children will have of her for ever. Don't let anyone tell you there is a time limit to when "you should be over any emotion". We are all different and we deal with our emotions very differently. Your H is the one who took with vows with you in front of God and family. But the ow KNEW that he had taken those vows. She knew that you believed in marriage and that you had a family together. She knows what she did was wrong or she wouldn't have hidden her relationship with him from you. She would have come right up to you and told you she wanted to be with your H. Did she do that. She wronged you as much as he did. Unless her brain stem doesn't function or she is a outright barracuda, she holds an equal amount of responsibility. Don't expect to get an apology from her. Don't expect her to understand the damage she helped to cause. Until the type of pain she has helped to deliver has been revisited on her, she will never get it. I would just like to say, don't let the anger eat at you too long. Don't let it seep into other parts of your life. It can eventually destroy you if you let.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I have no idea who has told you that the OW doesn't deserve your anger. Talk about an avoidance of responsibility for a morally reprehensible and repugnant act of getting involved with a previously committed person. Both deserve your anger. But sooner or later you're going to have to move on in your life and let go of that anger, since it eats you up inside.
Spoiled Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 You have every right to be angry at the OW, even more so since she was a friend of yours. Yes, the anger should be directed at your husband as well, since he is the one who you are married to, but she was your friend, and should have not crossed that line with your H. Obviously she doesn't care, she was only thinking of herself, though so was your H, only thinking of himself. Be pissed at both of them, but just know that HE is the one who made the vows, the committment to you. Think about seeking counselling to help you cope with this, and keep posting. Sorry you're hurting. I agree. My MM's W mostly blamed me saying I used her to get to him, like it was all me and he would never do such a thing. Guess it was easier for her to believe that versus admitting her H could do such a thing!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I agree. My MM's W mostly blamed me saying I used her to get to him, like it was all me and he would never do such a thing. Guess it was easier for her to believe that versus admitting her H could do such a thing!!! Were you friends with your MM's wife before the affair? Did you go to their wedding? In this situation, it's not a case of the OW not knowing who the was is. She was a friend! That's double betrayal and the friend SHOULD have 1)said NO to him if he made advances, or 2)she (OW) should NOT have even attempted to go after her friends husband. That is just cruel and selfish of her to do since she was friends with his wife.
NoIDidn't Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I don't think that your anger at her is misdirected at all. You trusted her too, as a friend. She betrayed that trust. She was in front of your family pretending to be a real friend to you while in an affair with your H. You owe no apologies to anyone for still being angry with her. Its the denial of the feeling that making you still angry. Once you allow yourself to feel it and deal with it, then you will move on. But she deserves your anger. She was hardly being a friend to you.
califnan Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Heartbroken, you have a special situation because the OW was in your life, and you were friends - thus the obvious betrayal on her part. The reason why your husband is considered the Most responsible party is because he was your husband: your one flesh, the closest person to in your life .. the one who said his marriage vows to you - in the Committed Marriage contract. At another time you may see the OW only - for the desparate person that she was / is - regardless of her betrayal to you.
Spoiled Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Were you friends with your MM's wife before the affair? Did you go to their wedding? In this situation, it's not a case of the OW not knowing who the was is. She was a friend! That's double betrayal and the friend SHOULD have 1)said NO to him if he made advances, or 2)she (OW) should NOT have even attempted to go after her friends husband. That is just cruel and selfish of her to do since she was friends with his wife. Met him a few months prior to wedding, then became friends with her. There was instant attraction and a good friendship but we wanted to respect each others' relationships. Because of one close incident we had, I did not feel comfortable attending the wedding. We lived hours apart but were all close for at least 10years. Him and I were closer than either of us with our spouses. Had not seen them for 2 years when the A began(not an excuse, just saying). She had every right to be angry with me and for the first twenty minutes of our conversation, I said nothing and let her give it to me. However, the majority of the anger was toward me. He hid my identity for almost a week, he was refusing to answer her questions, and would not say anything negative about me. During our conversation and her multiple messages to me, she was livid and asking why he was protecting me over her and taking up for me. I suspect this is why much anger was directed toward me.
silktricks Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Both people knew one of them was married. Both people get equal portions of anger, IMO. You'll get by it when you can. Don't feel you have to rush it, because pushing your way past anger usually just lets it come up and bite you on the backside down the road a bit. Just take it a day at a time. Don't let it consume you, but don't pretend you don't feel what you feel, either. Counseling can help for some people, religion for others. Do whatever works best for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I re-read through a bunch of my old posts, and I noticed a trend. People keep telling me that I should be directing my anger at my H, not the OW. I'm finding this incredibly difficult. I think anger at an OM/OW is completely appropriate. However the brundt of anger should be reserved for your H, he is the most direct player in your betrayal. She is one of his work colleagues (they work in a huge place and he transferred to a different area & shift - she's gone before he gets there. But I'm still making him look for a new job.) Before they started their A, I had spent time with her & her kids, I thought that given more time we would become very good friends. Then BOOM, one night I my husband sucking on her neck, in her car, in the middle of the night, with her pants half off. She knew damn well he was married, she was at our ******* wedding. I in a car with her pants down....what class. Does she not deserve a little anger too? you bet she does! don't let anyone else let you think otherwise. but again, your H should bear the lion's share of that anger.
share&care Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I re-read through a bunch of my old posts, and I noticed a trend. People keep telling me that I should be directing my anger at my H, not the OW. I'm finding this incredibly difficult. I know it's all his fault. But she was a friend, I liked her, I respected her, I wanted to be more like her. She is one of his work colleagues (they work in a huge place and he transferred to a different area & shift - she's gone before he gets there. But I'm still making him look for a new job.) Before they started their A, I had spent time with her & her kids, I thought that given more time we would become very good friends. Then BOOM, one night I my husband sucking on her neck, in her car, in the middle of the night, with her pants half off. She knew damn well he was married, she was at our ******* wedding. Does she not deserve a little anger too? And if I'm wrong about this, how do I stop the hatred towards her? I'm not acting on it, but it's still there. How do I direct it where it belongs? (((((HeartbrokenK))))) Well I usually agree with not hating the OW because it was your H who broke his vows to you. BUT this OW was YOUR friend too. That is a DOUBLE betrayal and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. At least for most BW/BH the OP is an anonymous person and someone we don't have to think about with regard to them being in our home or knowing what they look like, how they dress, know our kids etc. I think you have a right to be angry at this so-called 'friend' because she also betrayed you. If she was totally anonymous to you, then focus all your anger on the only one who betrayed you, your H. (((HugS)))
D-Lish Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 You have every right to be angry at a person that looked you in the eye and pretended to be your friend, while pining after your husband. That's an incredibly devious act, and she deserves your anger.
White Flower Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 You have every right to be angry at a person that looked you in the eye and pretended to be your friend, while pining after your husband. That's an incredibly devious act, and she deserves your anger. As an OW I have to agree. It may sound contradictory but that is one thing I couldn't do. Well, I didn't think I could be with a MM but that is ONE betrayal, not two. JMHO.
fooled once Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 You have every right to be angry at the OW, even more so since she was a friend of yours. Yes, the anger should be directed at your husband as well, since he is the one who you are married to, but she was your friend, and should have not crossed that line with your H. Obviously she doesn't care, she was only thinking of herself, though so was your H, only thinking of himself. Be pissed at both of them, but just know that HE is the one who made the vows, the committment to you. Think about seeking counselling to help you cope with this, and keep posting. Sorry you're hurting. I totally agree with this!!
Recommended Posts