HeartbrokenK Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 (edited) I can't get the picture out of my head. Them together, me standing a few feet away, before she saw me and jumped. My H was too busy sucking on her neck to see me... Ouch. Their A went on for at least two months. It's been 6 months since Dday. He never makes the same face when we're being *ahem* intimate, that he had with her in that moment. What does that mean? How do I make that mental picture go away? The flipside is - I'm doing great. Started a new job, I'm kicking serious a** at it, and I have a new sense of pride and confidence. I made the realization that she didn't beat me. She had him at his lowest - at his most selfish, stupid & cruel state. That's not something I would brag about or feel victorious about, if I were her. And if she does, I pity her for being a pathetic, hopelessly evil, less-than-human being. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen while listening to Tubthumper on repeat, and silently shouted the lyrics at him when he wasn't paying attention. It was really passive-aggressive, I know, but it felt good. Life is so damn messy... but I've at least reached a point where I know I'm going to have a good life regardless of whether he's there or not. I'm still committed to working it out, but there are road blocks in the way, the one that's getting to me is that moment. Oh how I wish it would go away. Edited April 4, 2010 by HeartbrokenK
Fouts Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 It will never go away, but hopefully won't haunt you for as long as you two are together. She didn't have him at his lowest, she just had him. He wanted to be with someone else. In most men, married or not, that feeling doesn't go away, we'll be looking over your shoulder for someone else whether you want to accept that or not.
scatterd Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 In my opinion I say kick the crap to the curb.Find a better man that will give you a beatiful visual like a good moraled man should.Your better then that let him have her so he and grow to be bored and pissed she does not trust him.No man that cant be loyal is not worth wasting your time with.I cant find solid enough proof to do so .you seen yes and their is men that dont cheat I know plenty. now you got the taste of a bad guy enjoy a good man I am so sorry for you be happy.It make me feel like cring hearing this big hugs.
norajane Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 If you find that the image simply will not fade and go away, that could very well be your inner instincts telling you that you cannot and will not actually be able to forgive him and carry on. Despite that you have committed to making it work, you have a right to change your mind about that and move on without him. You don't have to carry that image around with you forever.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 That image will always be present in your mind. It'll have less power as time goes on and your M heals and becomes more successful. Do you have children together? Are you both in MC together?
Steadfast Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I made pancakes for my kids this morning. Cleaning up afterward I was again reminded just how sticky maple syrup is. Darn sticky! After it dries you'll damn near rip a dish towel in half trying to scrub it off the counter. That's when I quit fooling around and got the soap and water out. It's the same with your memory; you're not washing it off with the right stuff. I had some pretty painful mental images of my ex after we broke up; they'd wake me from a fitful sleep and ruin my appitite. Tired of the game, I threw my mind a curve and acting on good advice, started praying for her. Cheating isn't right and I knew that. She's knew that. Yet... It was her problem and (I figured) it was something in her life that was bad for her. It wasn't easy, but I stopped fixating on how it was affecting me and concentrated my approach to the problem. Like stepping outside. In time, my heart was filled with a sense of peace and forgiveness; an awakening, if you will. In a pretty short amount of time I was handling myself, my kids and especially her, better. No, I didn't like it anymore than I ever did, but my perspective changed. For the better. The most amazing part is how she began reacting to me. The sticks and stones just bounced off of my indifference. She even accused me of taking my 'control' of things pertaining to her to new, unseen levels. I'd respond by agreeing that I had been controlling, but no longer wished to and hey! Doesn't tuna fish sound good right about now? On wheat, with pickles and mayo. Yeah. Let it go, and realize the problem is his, if you haven't already. Let it go.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I've been following your story and I don't know how you do it..my H had encounters with strippers and phone sex..and I can't get that out of my mind...I'm sorry for your pain. You set a 6 month goal for your M...where are you at with that? I honestly have to say I would leave....that early on is a bad sign.
Author HeartbrokenK Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 I've been following your story and I don't know how you do it..my H had encounters with strippers and phone sex..and I can't get that out of my mind...I'm sorry for your pain. You set a 6 month goal for your M...where are you at with that? I honestly have to say I would leave....that early on is a bad sign. 6 months passed yesterday. We're still working on things. The truth is, I'm not perfect either. We've been together for a few years, and in that time I was in and out of jobs alot (layoffs, not fired - I want to make that clear), I went through a major depression - and when I'm not feeling like I'm on top of my game, I isolate myself from everyone and everything around me. I felt guilty because he was covering our bills (his idea, not mine) so I stopped going out with him and his friends - honestly, I just didn't want to cost him the extra money on top of everything else. I was just so scared and worried all the time that I couldn't focus on anything else, and he got tucked away in a corner at the back of my mind. I'm not saying it's a good excuse, but I made vows to be there for him and be his partner, and I didn't keep up my end of the bargain either. His behavior was worse, but I betrayed him too. The point is, it's ugly and messy but we both owe it to each other to try and fix it. I know some angry woman is going to come in here and call me an idiot and weak for staying, but I don't care anymore. I need to believe that people can change. If we change in ways that aren't right for each other, or if it's just too much hurt and anger to conquer, we'll be done. But we're trying, because that's what we promised each other. I don't know any other way to explain it.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 6 months passed yesterday. We're still working on things. The truth is, I'm not perfect either. We've been together for a few years, and in that time I was in and out of jobs alot (layoffs, not fired - I want to make that clear), I went through a major depression - and when I'm not feeling like I'm on top of my game, I isolate myself from everyone and everything around me. I felt guilty because he was covering our bills (his idea, not mine) so I stopped going out with him and his friends - honestly, I just didn't want to cost him the extra money on top of everything else. I was just so scared and worried all the time that I couldn't focus on anything else, and he got tucked away in a corner at the back of my mind. I'm not saying it's a good excuse, but I made vows to be there for him and be his partner, and I didn't keep up my end of the bargain either. His behavior was worse, but I betrayed him too. The point is, it's ugly and messy but we both owe it to each other to try and fix it. I know some angry woman is going to come in here and call me an idiot and weak for staying, but I don't care anymore. I need to believe that people can change. If we change in ways that aren't right for each other, or if it's just too much hurt and anger to conquer, we'll be done. But we're trying, because that's what we promised each other. I don't know any other way to explain it. wow... you really must be feeling confident... Im impressed... you know in looking at things from a mutual and equal standpoint is actually quite healthy rather than shift the blame or make others responsible for whatever. There are many, many situations where people learn to trust again (regardless if its infidelity, lack of emotional support, depression, detachment, etc.)... sometimes these situations can even act as warning signs that all is not well in paradise... this whole idea on just giving up and throwing it all away might in many cases be the best option, but not always... and its easier for others to always advise than having been there themselves or perhaps they have and are just bitter and making others responsible for some of their own poor decisions. I certainly do hope you have moved past the depression and whatever issues that were haunting you during those times. I think the image of shock, disbelief and pain that your H saw in your face at the exact moment is one that he wont easily forget and trust me... is as painful to him as the situation was to him... That image will eventually fade to a black and white, almost dream state... continue being healthy and focusing on all the positives right now....only more will come your way congrats on the new job and good luck!
Author HeartbrokenK Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 wow... you really must be feeling confident... Im impressed... you know in looking at things from a mutual and equal standpoint is actually quite healthy rather than shift the blame or make others responsible for whatever. There are many, many situations where people learn to trust again (regardless if its infidelity, lack of emotional support, depression, detachment, etc.)... sometimes these situations can even act as warning signs that all is not well in paradise... this whole idea on just giving up and throwing it all away might in many cases be the best option, but not always... and its easier for others to always advise than having been there themselves or perhaps they have and are just bitter and making others responsible for some of their own poor decisions. I certainly do hope you have moved past the depression and whatever issues that were haunting you during those times. I think the image of shock, disbelief and pain that your H saw in your face at the exact moment is one that he wont easily forget and trust me... is as painful to him as the situation was to him... That image will eventually fade to a black and white, almost dream state... continue being healthy and focusing on all the positives right now....only more will come your way congrats on the new job and good luck! You should know that you're the very first person who's actually made me feel empowered about making the decision to try and work it out. 99.9% of the response has been BW's or WS's trying to tear me apart or making me terrified to take a step further. So thank you.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 You should know that you're the very first person who's actually made me feel empowered about making the decision to try and work it out. 99.9% of the response has been BW's or WS's trying to tear me apart or making me terrified to take a step further. So thank you. You are an adult, you arent unaware, you arent some fragile, stupid submissive (as can be ascertained by the way you write and describe all sides of the situation)... many couples that have experienced something like this actually come back stronger and make it work... plus, the others are entitled to their point of view, but also understand you may have to discount a certain degree of other's opinions when they are haunted by the same, if not, worse situation or betrayel... and they may even take no responsibility in any part of it. Pat Conroy's book "The Prince of Tides" - also same title by film adaptation... the lead character has to eventually deal with his wife's infidelity and takes their time away (due to other pertinent story reasons) to reflect how withdrawn and distance he has become in the previous years... pushing away the woman he loves and the woman that loves him very much... its a realistic scenario... doesnt make that turning to someone else for attention, validation, affection is the right thing to do, but most times... these "affairs" are like rebound relationships... its almost a figment character without a face or personality... just simply there to help ease whatever confusion or pain... and you are right... its not that there is something so wonderful shared between the two... as you said, one or both are at their worst and lowest point... and they are aware on some level.
seren Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 6 months after D day is not so long for everything to be OK, we are over two and a half years after D day and the images still haunt me, but not so much. I can see the A for what it was and together, me and H have made ourselves some lovely memories for me to put up in my mind when the A demons bite at my arse. I would say that you never ever forget, but you sort of learn that you cannot change it and there comes a day when you just cannot be bothered to let it keep tearing you up. I understand the neglecting the marriage, I did that - correction WE did that, but we no longer do so, but it took time. I have to say you are doing brilliantly with your career and the getting to feel you have some control. The feeling of being out of control when discovering an A is, IMO, simply exhausting. Our M is in a far better place now than it was in the years before the A and just gets better. If it didn't work for me, I would leave, if setting yourself timescales works for you then so be it, but everyone is different. It sounds like you are doing well, I hope it all works out for you and that you and H can work on making new memories together that trump the mind pictures.
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