elits0 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 (edited) Hey, new member here. I'll give a little history of my relationship with this girl before I delve into my problem. We're both 21 and we started dating in high school so it's been about 5 years. We were probably as in love as most teenagers are in high school and we were always breaking up and getting back together but never dating other people during our breaks. I believe we were truly in love and that is what kept bringing us back together. Fast forward to about a year and a half ago.. We got into a fight and we were on a break. Of course we were still talking to each other and doing "boyfriend and girlfriend" things like holding hands and kissing. Later I found out that she had actually been messing with some other guy at the same time.. For a year too! Initially I was angry because I felt I was cheated on even if we were on a "break". Also because I had previously tried to break it off with her, but she kept trying to get back into my life even though she had someone else. In the end we ended up getting back together and it lasted for a couple months (she broke up with me late january). The main reasons we broke up was because I wasn't able to show affection or be supportive enough. Few weeks later she is back with the guy she had cheated on me with... I went through all the emotional phases that people go through after rough break ups and I didn't contact her for about 2 months (last week). Ends up she isn't with the other guy anymore and when we met up she commented "it's like we never broke up". So basically we've had some contact and I slept with her.. After all this I've accepted her actions as just human mistakes and it's obvious that I'm still deeply in love with her. I've told her this, but she says even though she still loves me she loves the other guy still and that right now she is "empty" and unable to be "in love" with anyone. She also said she is scared to get into a relationship that will just blow up in her face. I admit I could've been a better bf, but how can I show her when she doesn't want to be with me right now and when she has feelings for me and someone else at the same time? I told her that things would be different right now and to not be scared.. I think that all my pleading and talking about my feelings might have just scared her more and maybe pushed her away. I just don't want to give up on our 5 year past, even if it had it's bad moments. I need to restate she doesn't want to be emotionally involved with anyone and I know I shouldn't stick around and keep pressuring her with my feelings. I especially don't want to stick around and have her say "oh I'm getting back with xxxx". I do want her back though. Should I just go no contact again? I want her to be the one.. My plan right now is to just go NC for a few months until I think I am ready to talk to her again.. Or should I just go NC and wait until she figures out her life? Should I tell her to contact me again when she is ready to try again? I feel like if I don't stick around and keep trying then I might lose the thing I care about most. Edited April 4, 2010 by elits0
SuperMatt Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 (edited) I would say NC and keep it that way. Go out have a great time get your life in order. One of my favorite movies to watch about break ups is swingers. And there are some good stuff in there. One of the quotes I liked is she will never want you back until you realllly forget about her. And by that time your over them and moved on. It has Vince Vaughn suuuper young. Hope the break up goes well. Understand that by waiting around your only going to hurt more and see her with other guys and just crush yourself. Good luck In addition: I have just got out of a 4 year relationship. I know its very difficult but in the end you will be happy you did it. Edited April 5, 2010 by SuperMatt
rand0m Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It always comes back to the super cliche, "if you love something, let it go." If she truly loves you and you were meant to be, she'll be back. If not, then at least you're leaps and bounds ahead of where you are today. I've fought with the same issue.. no contact and you could lose them forever, stay in some sort of contact and you think you can "win them back, always be there." After my ex and I broke off our 5 year relationship, I went no contact.. sure enough, we've had contact now after a few months, but it's all just chatter.. mind games. I'm now back to the point where if I don't talk to her for a day, thoughts are racing through my mind. You have to let it go for your own sake. I was better off not talking to her altogether, at least at this point in my life, where I know I'm still in love with her.
Author elits0 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Wow. I can't believe all this happened at the beginning of this month. It feels like it has been forever but at the same time like it was just yesterday. I haven't talked to her since April 6th.. I believe I'm making progress very slowly and I'm still trying to get my life on track. I still miss her sometimes or wonder what she is doing, but we are on separate paths right now and that's just the way it is. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get back together, but I push those thoughts out right away. If anyone else is in the same situation.. Just keep your head up. It gets better..
lullaby Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Yes, it's quite hard and complicated but this is best for you and your life. You can't let your life be carried away because of someone else. Besides, one thing I learned in therapy this week, is how strong and ready are you to come back. Because, let's see: do you miss her? yes. do you want to be with her? of course! it's comfortable and you're in love, and it was your life for the past years. Now, ask this: 'When we get back together, am I going to let myself go completely to her or will I still be wondering if she is going to leave me again?' 'is she really in love with me or doesn't want to be alone?' 'am I ready to be with someone that doubted so much?' Perhaps the answer is yes, but remember that right now you're thinking with your heart, not your mind. I'm going through the same, and I do realize now that even if he comes back, it will take time and more healing from my end to be 100% in the relationship, so it's best for you to heal completely, so when she returns, you will be able to face anything. I don't know, that's what I feel right now because otherwise, I would sink and drown in tears because of the whole I feel in my chest. Stay strong!!!!
ALombard Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hey elitsO, I recently just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship about 2 weeks ago and we did the exact same thing you two did with getting back together on and off, breaking up but still doing "boyfriend, girlfriend" things. Unfortunatley I wasn't so lucky with her no going to other guys when we split but I will tell you that the BEST thing you can do is go NC. I've only been doing it for a few days and honestly I feel so much better now. I know you miss her because it's natural you will miss anything or anyone that you had an emotional attachment to for a long time. And honestly I wanted my ex to be the one I married for so long but I don't see that happening anymore and you shouldn't hold out hope for it either. Move on, start going to the gym (that's what I did), get healthy and better yourself. Take time to heal and let memories of her fade, and DON'T jump into another relationship right away because with my experience they never work when you still have feelings for an ex. Wait it out and someone will come along who will be better suited for you at this time in your life. Good luck.
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