HopelessOne Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 As of today, I am 31, single, no girlfriend for the last 10 years and no sex for the last 5. What do I do?
Author HopelessOne Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Easier said than done my friend...
Bejita463 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Easier said than done my friend... Making less excuses to not do it, and more excuses to do it simplifies it greatly. Think of things you'd enjoy doing, and go and do them. Only, do things that get you out of your house/apartment/tent/whatever. If you have no interests that can do that, well, there's your problem. Tadah! Keep this in mind: As nervous as you are about speaking to someone, they are likely just as nervous as being spoken to. Doesn't mean they'd be unreceptive.
Author HopelessOne Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I know man... For me, it has never been easy and I find as I get older it gets progressively even more difficult. It is one thing to not know what you are doing as a young person, but as I get older, it is getting more and more difficult for me. 31 and very little to no experience... At my age, people are married and already on their second child, I have nothing. I haven't even dated around. FML...
MalachiX Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 As of today, I am 31, single, no girlfriend for the last 10 years and no sex for the last 5. What do I do? Give yourself a pat on the back since you just cheered me up about my own life. There's some guy on these boards who's a 40-year-old virgin. Maybe he can cheer you up. And then we can find a 50-year-old virgin who will cheer him up. Finally, I'll show you guys pictures of the last woman a friend of mine dated and it will cheer everyone up.
FryFish Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 My guess is that you have confidence issues. Am I correct? Here is a little exercise you can do to help. Ask yourself what the worst thing is that is going to happen if you go "coldcall" the next girl you see that you are attracted to... The answer is that she will politely excuse herself. Now that is not really all that bad. You wont be made to feel like... whatever it is you are imagining. What is the best thing that can happen if you do it though?
Bejita463 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I know man... For me, it has never been easy and I find as I get older it gets progressively even more difficult. It is one thing to not know what you are doing as a young person, but as I get older, it is getting more and more difficult for me. It is "easy" for very few people. All you are accomplishing with this reasoning is to talk yourself out of getting that experience. So you don't have it. So what? That is only as hard to address as you make it. There are people everywhere, and they want to talk with you. Sure, they might have something going on, or they might be having a bad day, so they might be closed off that day. They do want to talk to you. No one walks around thinking to themselves "I hope no one tries to be friendly with me today." You'll never learn that, if you don't try.
kassy Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I agree with the above poster about confidence. I think most guys who aren't players don't understand that dating really is a numbers game. You will get rejected, it's a fact, and possibly a lot - maybe the girl has a boyfriend, maybe she isn't attracted to you, lots of possible reasons why she won't give you her number or go for a drink. But themost significant difference between players and other guys dating prospects (in moy opinion) isn't the massive amount of game that players have, it's that they get rejected and then the next girl they see who they take a facny to they strike up a conversation with and ask her for her number anyway!! If you don't put yourself out there, talk to lots of girls and ask the girls you are interested in out, it isn't going to happen... and if they say no, really is it that bad?? No... just try again with the next girl. I also agree, go meet girls with interests similar to yourself.. join a hiking group or something, and start yourself off easy if you like say have a goal of each day for the next week you have to strike up a conversation with 3 women of any age or level of attractiveness who you don't know. Doesn't have to be a huge conversation, maybe ask a lady in the supermarket how to pick a ripe pinapple or anything and try and have a easy conversation with her for a very shor time... just get used to talking to women you don't know (it's just practice and confidence) and then maybe later move on gradually to talking to women you find attractive. Nothing will change unless you change your situation. I agree online dating might be good, but only if you actually meet the girls, not just endlessly email them! Just don't revert to sleazy chat up lines... generally normal chit chat is well recieved, and refreshing. Hope it helps, sorry a bit of a rant, I have a friend in your position and while he complains a lot, he won't do anything to change his situation and I think you just bore the brunt of that haha
Bejita463 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I don't know, I get that "talk to every girl you see" advice a lot and don't think it's that wise in the long run. Think about it, do you want all the girls in town laughing , sharing stories about how they rejected you? Your social life in general will never improve with an attitude like that. You could use that exact same logic as the basis of an argument for never leaving home at all.
Bejita463 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Doesn't it make you look needy and hence of a lesser value in the eyes of women if are always trying too hard? (especially if you dont get anywhere). My self-esteem could probably survive rejection by 20 women in a row but would the girls in my neighborhood still respect a guy who gets rejected so much? My philosophy has always been to get to know 1 woman at a time and see if i can connect with them, rather than just hitting on every girl I find physically attractive. If you try too hard and keep getting rejected women will think there's something wrong with you and probably not want to date you anyway. Then again my approach has seldom been successful so what do I know. I'm well aware that things don't just "happen" by "fate" for guys unless they are extremely attractive, but it's a real catch 22. Think about it. You go to a restaurant and you know a few people who get sick from eating there. Would you still go to the restaurant, even if the food sounds really good? Los Betos destroys my colon. It is a safe bet that not long after eating there I will be afflicted with a condition which would allow my bowel movements to pass through a screen door if I so chose to attempt it. I still go there occasionally, regardless. Bad analogies aside, it doesn't require "hitting" on someone to learn how to converse with people. You don't even have to do it with females specifically. Talk to someone. If it seems like there is a connection you'd like to continue, ask for contact information. The results would probably surprise you, and even if you failed the person would be more likely to be flattered by the gesture than to become condescending. What are you afraid of? That people might learn that you care about your social life and that you actively try to meet people? You don't even need to justify that. Everyone cares about their social life. That isn't a question, what IS a question is what you are willing to do about it. Staying at home thinking of reasons to not go out is way is easier, yes, but it will not produce the results you desire either. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Say you did go out and got a bad rep, the worst result is your social life remaining unchanged. There isn't even any risk, except to your pride. If you really want to see improvement, get out of your own way and start trying!
Bejita463 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Don't know man, I'm just speaking from my experience. I know a few guys who are like that (hit on every women) and when I eavesdrop on women gossiping about it they don't hold back any punches. I really don't know what you are getting "hit on everything that moves" from. Nowhere did I say that. I said to learn to talk to people.
kassy Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I am not saying ask every girl in town for her number, I am saying practice just talking to people you don't know in a casual and fun manner (especially women because it's not going to help you if you are great at talking to men you don't know but not women, but agree just talk to ANYONE!) If you are chatting to one of the women you don't know and you get a bit of an interest in them... then ask them for their number or to go for a drink or something. If you are an open and approachable person who initiates conversation with people...not trying too hard, but just generally open to talking to someone, most people find that appealing not in anyway offputting. You have to realise that you are not trying to chat up everything on earth... but rather that you need to get yourself a life, gain confidence, meet lots more interesting people, enjoy yourself, and get yourself out of this rut that you have dug and seem determined to continue digging! If you focus on that, and also ask out girls whose paths you cross along the way... then you are likely to change the situation. Even if you don't ask out anyone, but just chat to people, you will find most girls find it very attractive when someone is confident, able to talk appropriately to anyone in any situation, well liked wherever they go and kind. It is simple things like learning peoples names who you see regularly and hopefully already say hi to but never actually get to know (the 55 year old cleaning lady in your office is a good example) if you get in the lift with her and the conversation goes "Morning susan, did you have a good weekend?"...and then you have a one minute chat about it in the lift. If there is a hot woman in the lift, when you talk to her at some point, she is going to think you are a friendly guy who chats to everyone, and probably really likes the fact you chat to the cleaning lady and know her name, rather than thinking he hits on everything that moves! I'm sorry but I can't stand people who complain and yet refuse to do anything to proactively change the situation.
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